Rand Paul Has Another Extremely Occasional Moment Of Sanity, Drops Out Of Race
Well this sure is upsetting, no it's not.
[contextly_sidebar id="Uwvfge8uPRvxRTaqNopneHMWY3Iap83S"]See? The insane, dumb Iowa caucuses DO serve a purpose, and it's to get rid of some more of these damn Republicans who think for whatever reason that they might get to be president someday, LOL as if. First it was Mike Huckabee, who skedaddled back to Arkansas the second it was clear he had been abandoned by Iowa voters and also his god. And now! Rand Paul, it is time for you to don your tiara and take your last walk as Miss Kentucky Dumbass Who Thinks He's Gonna Be President:
Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) is suspending his presidential campaign, Politico and CNN reported Wednesday.
Paul, who has served in the Senate since 2011, launched his presidential bid in April. The self-described "libertarian-ish" candidate poised himself as an alternative to establishment candidates, touting his grassroots appeal.
However, Paul failed to break ahead of the crowded GOP field ...
[contextly_sidebar id="lNZYd55wMKMiPsabQGTIrc6kPaOJ52BD"]Because he sucks. Rand was one of the earliest to launch a presidential bid, and it was PATHETIC. How bad? Well, from day one, he thought it would be a good idea, if you were a Jewish, to change your Facebook avatar to say you were a "Jew For Rand":
[contextly_sidebar id="QgV6a6xDMSzyUj5s01zczyhmezfS6N9q"]But that was just the tip of the iceberg. He waged war with lady reporters, because he's such a feminist. (Except when he's trying to regulate all the vaginas. He likes to do that, because he is an "eye doctor.")
Rand SO came up with the idea of banning all the Muslims, and WAY before that dumb Donald Trump thought of it.
[contextly_sidebar id="7re1Q1J91rGs0q0Hq0hxCAF1x6aXNNBk"]He solved school shootings forever, with his brilliant idea to put stickers on all the windows that say "HEY YOU SHOOTERS, NO WAY!" Or something like that, can we all relive this for a second?
I would have, and encourage, every school in America to put stickers on every window, going into the school saying “We are armed. Come in at your own peril. We have concealed carry for teachers who have permits. And we also have armed security. And you will be shot.”
Longest sticker EVER, but hey, it's better than Jew For Rand. (No it isn't.)
[contextly_sidebar id="1DWqiqIj3EBCzOemiXozPFXIm58O1Psd"]Rand even figured out how to talk to black people, by telling them that hey, maybe if you don't use such a controversial name like "Black Lives Matter," then maybe people will like you more. He also said maybe if they were a LITTLE more polite to the white people, that would be great. Oh, and maybe if all The Blacks had better dads, they wouldn't be crimers, says Rand Paul, whose own son is, science fact, a drunk crimer who can't stop getting arrested.
But anyway, thank you, Rand Paul, for your help 'splaining things to The Blacks!
It was, however, strangely OK for Kentucky clerk Kim Davis to rudely break the law for HER cause of "religious freedom," maybe because she's white, who can say?
[contextly_sidebar id="ZjLjkiMycTgRaGLXexnoDDKBLoEWLiGf"]Oh, and one time Rand said it's no big deal if gays get fired from their jobs as florists or whatever, because they could always get different jobs as hairdressers or caterers. No big. And The Civil Rights Act? Pfffffffft. Unnecessary, says the "Libertarian-ish" Rand Paul.
Oh, Rand isn't always insane. He sounded downright sentient that time last year when he filibustered the Patriot Act. Good job, Rand!
Rand has moments of clarity, once in a while, and leaving the presidential race is one of them. So don't let the door hit ya on the ass, Senator Aqua Buddha! Now which Republican presidential candidate would like to be next to quit?
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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