Friday Nice Time: Watch Rand Paul Run From Hero Reporter Like His Neighbor's After Him!


Rand Paul's Near Year's resolution was to become the most loathed senator from Kentucky, and when the other one is Mitch McConnell, that's a challenge. But Paul screwed over 9/11 first responders this week, so challenge accepted! Maybe McConnell can blame Obama for slavery some more to stay in the game.

Paul is a big doucher whose inspiration is the even bigger doucher Ayn Rand. She probably would've also voted against the 9/11 Victim Compensation Fund. "What Would Ayn Rand Do?" is not much of a governing philosophy, but it might explain why Paul claimed he should be "commended and loudly cheered" for his "fiscal responsibility." Yeah, he's a big hero -- not like those moochers who ran into the burning Twin Towers. That's why Super-Objectivist ran from a reporter Thursday like the guy was carrying a lead box filled with human compassion -- Rand Paul's kryptonite.

Guys, seriously, watch the greatness:

When Jeevan Vittal from Spectrum News tried to get Paul to answer a question, any question, about blocking the 9/11 bill, the feckless coward referred Vittal to his previous interview on Fox News. Vittal is a journalist. Why would he want to talk to Fox News? If you need a recommendation for an apartment rental, you don't ask your drug dealer to vouch for you.

PAUL: If you'll tell your viewers to tune into Fox News, we've got some great stuff there.

Sen. Doucher straight up just did a promo for Fox News. Guess it beats doing his actual job. He doesn't even know how TV works. If people "turn their cranks" to Fox News, they're guaranteed some right-wing hackery but not necessarily Paul's right-wing hackery. Fox News isn't airing his stupid interview 24/7 like TNT used to run episodes of "Law & Order."

Paul was really impressed with that Fox interview. Neil Cavuto threw him softballs, and he whined about how mean Jon Stewart was to him. Stewart is the liar and fraud -- not the senator whose intellectual hero literally wrote a book called The Virtue of Selfishness.

PAUL: If you're a professional outlet, you could call and get an interview like [Fox News] did.

Paul tried to blow off Vittal like he's some common paparazzo: "We're just good friends. Now please don't follow me into the bathroom." The senator is normally a big proponent of "free speech," but he apparently defines that as "your people call my people." Vittal was just asking for a comment from a public official. He never once threatened Paul -- although he did tower over the fun-sized snack.

Vittal explained that he'd already asked multiple times for an interview with Paul. Paul slung his jacket over his shoulder -- like a douche -- and insisted he didn't know who Vittal was. We can appreciate that when you're the subject of beatdowns by your own neighbors, you'd be cautious about meeting strangers for interviews. But "I don't know who you are" is a weaksauce excuse in a world with a Google. Someone on Paul's staff must know how to access the Internet.

See? That's not so hard.Twitter

Paul concluded the encounter with Vittal by shilling for Fox News some more:

PAUL: If you watch Fox News, you'll see that we explained exactly what the lies were. So watch Fox News.

Fox doesn't offer any "on-demand" service where we can just call up interviews with Rand Paul. Seriously, this is an offense to legitimate journalism. Republicans can't just send pesky reporters to their state propaganda outlet where they give carefully controlled interviews to partisan hacks. Fox News isn't a primary source. Paul prefers a "journalist" to just sit back and let him explain "exactly what the lies" are without any actual pushback. We still have a free press -- for now -- and Paul needed to stop and answer for himself. The 9/11 first responders deserve at least that much.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes reviews for the A.V. Club and make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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