Rebecca Schoenkopf Is Prophet Like Tucker Carlson: A Story By Rebecca Schoen-I Mean Evan Hurst


We found somethingpublished in March at The Tucker Call Girl, or the Daily Tucker, or whatever that fucking website is called. Yeah, we are telling you about a thing that leaking anal fissure of a website published in March, because all our news days lately are just TOO SLOW.

This is the thing we found:


If you are blissfully unaware, Tucker Carlson is not only the second biggest idiot to appear on Fox News each and every night, he is also the founder of The Daily Caller. He's not the editor anymore, because he is doing Important Work being a shitty TV host.

The writer of the piece above is named "Chris Kalbach," but we don't know if he's a real person and we're far too lazy to look it up. He is prolific, having written four whole pieces for the Daily Caller since January. Now look, we're not saying Kalbach did not write this paean to Tucker Carlson's "Socratic" interviewing skills, but we are also not saying Tucker Carlson didn't awaken from a night terror with a terror boner one late evening in March, and immediately take his panties off and ghost-write a story about how awesome he is, under the name of "Chris Kalbach."

Tucker Carlson learned the lesson of history, and he’s following in the footsteps of Socrates.

It's impressive how "Chris Kalbach" typed this with just his left hand, ALLEGEDLY.

By not taking a position, Carlson makes sure that the focus isn’t on his beliefs, but on the beliefs in question. He can hold everyone accountable for their words.

TUCKER CARLSON does not take a position? Tucker is literally one rung on the ladder below Sean Hannity when it comes to taking stupid indefensible positions and then shouting at his guests and declaring victory when the segment is over.

Tucker is one of the worst TV hosts ever to appear on a channel we do not watch. His most memorable interview in the past 12 months was when that badass chick from Teen Vogue kicked his ass. One of his favorite stories is about the time he got Gay Panic like a pussy, and proceeded to beat up a gay dude in the bathroom.

Was "Chris Kalbach" sniffing poppers when he wrote that last part? Or was he just sniffing glue?

"Chris Kalbach" whacked his willy (ALLEGEDLY) to the idea of Tucker Carlson as Socrates all the way to this last line:

Carlson followed the philosophers. He followed Socrates. And while he is no Socrates, he is a fantastic model for young students looking to shine in journalism.

UH OH, did a creeping feeling of inferiority just interfere with somebody's jerk-off session? Did it force him (whomever "he" is) to type the words, "while he is no Socrates"? Tough break, dude, it happens to all guys, no really it does.

Editrix Rebecca, who is DEFINITELY NOT GHOSTWRITING THIS POST RIGHT NOW, was just wondering why none of the Wonkette employees have ever written such a glowing tribute to her. OUR BAD, we are probably all fired. Tough break, us!

We've searched the annals of Wonkette, and the most self-glorifying things ANY OF US WONKETTES have posted (that we remember, as we are often drunk) are the following:

Wait, that last one may not quite fit our theme.

Well anyway, because we aspire to be like "Chris Kalbach" who aspires to be like "Tucker Carlson," we will rectify the lack of "Rebecca As Prophet" stories on Wonkette with the following prayer:

Rebecca is great.

Rebecca is good.

While she is no Tucker Carlson, she makes us laugh and is fun to work for and anyway she signs our paychecks real nice-like so HEY YOU FUCKERS SHOULD GIVE US A LOT OF MONEY SO SHE CAN HAVE EVEN MORE FUN SIGNING OUR PAYCHECKS.


Goddammit that shit didn't even rhyme.

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[The Daily Caller]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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