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Rejoice, Republicans: Divorced Hollywood Actor Will Be Your Nominee!

It seems like only yesterday when we were bemoaning the terrible non-Hollywood crop of not-that-tall Republican front-runners Rudy, Walnuts and L. Ron Romney. When, oh when would giant right-wing dreamboat Fred Thompson and his latest wife join the race?


According to BREAKING NEWS, the star of cop shows and old-people radio will join the race in exactly ... five weeks. Meet America's great white male hope, after the jump.

* Fred will declare on July 4, a holiday that's symbolically important to GOP primary voters.

* Showing his infamous hatred of Mormons, this news immediately put Thompson in third place and knocked Romney to fourth in the national polls.

* The campaign's COO will be Thomas J. Collamore, who in the past has successfully marketed such awful products as Philip Morris cigarettes and George H.W. Bush.

* The handlers must deal with several negatives: Thompson is notoriously lazy, has cancer and looks like a cartoon bear.

* Contributors to his campaign expect him to fiercely pretend to be against cheap labor from Mexico.

* Because he plays a "folksy" character, Fred's handlers have a prop pickup truck that they'll again rent for this campaign; Tennessee voters found the red truck a very effective prop when he ran for the Senate there!

Fred Thompson will run, advisers say [Politico]

Adding Thompson to the GOP Index [NY Sun]

Earlier: Fred Thompson Has Complete Control of Every GOP Primary Voter

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