Was It Jerry Falwell Jr. In The Outhouse With The Pool Boy? DOES WONKETTE WIN THE GAME OF 'CLUE'?

We are just asking.

We would like to say right here at the outset that we do not care what kind of cuck bullshit Jerry Falwell Jr. and his wife get up to, if they do in fact get up to cuck bullshit, and we do not know that they do. We don't know if old Jerry is sticking it to the pool boy, or if the pool boy is sticking it to him, or to anyone else, or if they even have a pool boy. And we certainly would not like to know if Jerry Falwell (allegedly!) likes to have the pool boy do sexuals to his mother in the outhouse while they're both "drunk off [their] God-fearing asses on Campari." That would be GUH-ROSS, not just because Mrs. Falwell is dead, but also obviously because it is not Bible-approved, and regardless, YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

But because this is 2019, we do now know that back in 2015, Michael Cohen (who is on like day three of prison, hope he's making friends and not getting in any trouble!) claims, he helped Falwell deal with some RACY PICTURES he didn't want getting out, pictures described as "between husband and wife." Not long after that, Falwell endorsed Donald Trump.

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Measlesboat McScientologyface Quarantined In St. Lucia

Looks like somebody missed some thetans!

In this week's episode of Antivaxxers Fuck Everything Up, we learn that a small cruise ship with up to 300 passengers and crew has been quarantined in the Caribbean island of St. Lucia since Monday, when health authorities learned a female crew member on the ship was diagnosed with the measles. Not just any old cruise ship, though -- the virusboat has been identified as the MV Freewinds, the cruise ship belonging to the Church of Scientology. Huh!

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Post-Racial America

Meghan McCain Wants To Jewsplain To (((Us?))) REALLY?

Go crap in the ocean.

GTFOH with that both sides BS! Like we Jews don't know who's shooting at us. Shouting "Ilhan Omar!" over and over won't hide the fact the the GOP brought these Nazis to the party. Republicans have been bedding down for decades with anti-Semites like Pastor John Hagee, who preach the Holocaust was part of the divine plan to get Jews out of Europe and into Israel to bring about Judgment Day. And now they're bringing the "very fine" tiki Nazis into the fold. Meanwhile, hate crimes against Jews jumped 37% between 2017 and 2019, and Saturday was the second synagogue shooting in six months. So Meghan McCain can spare (((us))) the crocodile tears about the anti-Semitic left endangering the poor Hebrews.

I do think when we're having conversations about anti-Semitism, we should be looking at the most extreme on both sides. And I would bring up Congresswoman Ilhan Omar and some of her comments that got so much attention, and in my opinion Nancy Pelosi wasn't hard enough in her response to her trafficking in anti-Semitic language, talking about 'all about the Benjamins,' and how Jewish people had hypnotized the world.

So, I think when you are talking about rhetoric, and you want to talk about President Trump -- and by the way I agree that he needs to have his feet held to the fire as well, but we're talking about it on both sides of the aisle as well.

WTF does Ilhan Omar have to do with some 8chan lunatic with an AR-15 whose manifesto refers to a medieval blood libel and who took credit for burning down a mosque? Nothing! And it's disgusting to use the body of Lori Kaye (may her name be for blessing), who was murdered trying to protect her rabbi, to bludgeon a Muslim congresswoman and the Democratic Party generally.

I have been critical of Omar's comments on Israel, but I sure as hell know who my friends are. See this picture of the Republican Jewish Coalition's Twitter page?

Notice anything funny, besides the fact that Liz Cheney got eaten by that eagle? Oh, right! The only two Republican Jews in Congress are Lee Zeldin and David Kustoff. Because despite furiously humping Benjamin Netanyahu's leg, Donald Trump is very, very Bad for the Jews. That's why upwards of 75 percent of us voted Democratic in 2018. Because unlike Megs -- "I don't technically have Jewish family that are blood-related to me doesn't mean that I don't take this seriously" -- those of us with actual skin in the anti-Semitism game know who is playing footsie with Nazis and who is not. Hint, it's not the party that sent 35 Jews to the House and Senate. But please, Mr. Trump, tell me more about how Chuck Schumer is anti-Israel, and Steven King is just a proud American.

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White Nonsense

Kellyanne Conway Went On The Shows To Call Everyone Else White Supremacist

It's the Sunday Show Rundown!

We begin the Sunday Show Rundown this week at CNN's "State of The Union" with counselor to the "president" and sentient Hillary Clinton-slur speak-n-spell Kellyanne Conway. Conway, it seems, was there to make her usual rounds of propaganda, when Jake Tapper questioned her about rising white nationalism and her boss's lack of concern about it:

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Church Of Holy Bleach Drinking Offering $450 Seminars. We Say NO THANK YOU!

Yeah, don't drink bleach. It is a bad idea.

In this increasingly polarized society we live in, it's hard to find any kind of consensus on anything -- but one would think that there would still be a few things here and there that we could all agree upon. One also might assume that one of those things would be "drinking bleach is a bad idea."

But if one were to do that, they would be wrong. Because the Genesis II Church is holding a seminar today in Washington State in order to promote the use of a substance they call "Miracle Mineral Solution," which they consider a miracle cure for every disease on earth, and which the FDA and anyone who can read ingredients would consider "industrial bleach."

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A Very Smart Post About Evangelicals, Trump, Michele Bachmann, AND A SURPRISE

It's so good, you're gonna love it so much.

Whoa hey you guys, blast from the past, but Michele Bachmann A) is still a tree that falls in the forest even if literally nobody is around to hear it make a sound and B) TIMBERRRRRRRR!

She was on one o' them prophesyin' radio shows, little outfit called "Understanding the Times," and she said:

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Culture Wars

Ilhan Omar Danced On Rooftops While Notre Dame Burned, Say People Who Think You Are Stupid

Jim Hoft and others are doing that hoodoo that they do.

It shouldn't be at all surprising that when US Rep. Ilhan Omar tweeted her sympathies for the people of Paris (and her prayers for the firefighters), the Stupidest Man On The Internet and his compatriots at Gateway Pundit decided that was incredibly offensive because her tweet simply wasn't Jesusy enough.

The Omar story came on top of a whole raft of stories aimed at whipping up political outrage over what appears to have been an accidental fire, because why waste a good tragedy? Despite official announcements that the fire appears to be related to renovation work, Gateway Pundit suggested something more sinister: "French Media Confirms There Were NO CONSTRUCTION WORKERS at Notre Dame Cathedral at Time of Fire" (based on one tweet paraphrasing a news report). Hoft and his culture war battalion insisted, in two separate stories, that all Muslims everywhere were dancing on rooftops celebrating the fire, even if they didn't set it (but do you know for sure they didn't?). Fox's Shep Smith was scolded for cutting off a French municipal official who hinted the REAL cause of the fire would be covered up by "politically correct" officialdom, and just to be sure readers knew Muslims are bad, the site reminded them of the 2015 terrorist attacks in Paris, too. Hoft's internet outlet also offered some uplifting stories about Parisians -- no, "Catholics with rosaries"! -- singing hymns as the cathedral burned, and proclaimed the survival of some parts of the interior a genuine miracle.

But then there was this horrible tweet by Ilhan Omar, a slap in the face to all Christendom:

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Culture Wars

Steve Bannon's New Hobby: Try Overthrowing The Pope!

Latin Mass or GTFO!

Former Breitbart publisher and Trump adviser Steve Bannon has found himself a new mission in life, according to NBC News. Bannon wants to "reform" the Roman Catholic Church the way he remade American conservatism, albeit perhaps with fewer memes of Pepe the Frog -- that part is still being decided. But definitely with an eye to telling nonwhites to fuck off, and making Holy Mother Church a Safe Space for Nazis again. Except, does it have to be so feminized? Holy FATHER Church would be much better.

Foreign correspondents Richard Engel and Kennett Werner bring us the straight dope on Bannon's dream of making Catholicism White Again, in a teaser report ahead of Engel's "On Assignment" TV show scheduled for Sunday night at 9 Eastern. Bannon explains he has a perfectly good reason for wanting to rescue Catholicism from that mean old Pope Francis and his SJW agenda:

He's the administrator of the church, and he's also a politician [...] This is the problem. ... He's constantly putting all the faults in the world on the populist nationalist movement.

That's a pretty victim-y way to whine about a pope whose real agenda seems to have a hell of a lot more to do with steering the institution toward caring for the least of those among us, like that radical social justice warrior from Galilee did a couple millennia back. But sure, Steve, make it all about YOU. And Francis definitely has talked about the dangers of unfettered capitalism, the need to care for immigrants and refugees, and yes, he's even condemned racism, damn his popish eyes.

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Erick Erickson Says Pete Buttigieg Thinks Jesus Loves Bestiality, Which Is NOT A LICENSE TO F*CK GOATS, ERICK!

Come sit with us in Wonkette's Bible Study room.

"Goddammit, I have to Bible-splain Goatfucker now, don't I," said we, because that is how all of our Christian sermons begin.

Let us tell you why we are about to give Erick "Goatfucker" Erickson the what-for, though. Pete Buttigieg -- AKA Mayor Pete, AKA all kinds of sophomoric names we could give except for how the Chapo guys kinda ruined that for the entire internet this week -- is running for president. Mayor Pete is both a married 37-year-old gay man and a devout and outspoken Christian. And USA Today did a really great piece about Mayor Pete's faith, and his experience of it, which is not all that different from our own personal experience of it, as a 38-year-old gay man who is also a classical pianist, etc., and so forth.

"This is a nice article," we said to ourselves, after we read it. Mayor Pete said things like this:

Buttigieg criticized right-wing Christians for "saying so much about what Christ said so little about, and so little about what he said so much about."

This is just a true fact, and a good way of putting it. Those of us who were raised in the conservative Christian church and lived to tell the tale can tell you chapter and verse on how conservative Christian motherfuckers mangle scripture for their own bigoted purposes, all while setting forth a narrative that they and only they are "serious" about their faith.

His point, in case that wasn't clear enough, was this:

"When I think about where most of Scripture points me, it is toward defending the poor, and the immigrant, and the stranger, and the prisoner, and the outcast, and those who are left behind by the way society works. And what we have now is this exaltation of wealth and power, almost for its own sake, that in my reading of Scripture couldn't be more contrary to the message of Christianity. So I think it's really important to carry a message (to the public), knitting together a lot of groups that have already been on this path for some time, but giving them more visibility in the public sphere."

Conservatives dismiss it as pure unabashed liberal claptrap when we point out that Jesus -- you know, the guy the religion is named after -- literally would not STFU about protecting the poor, immigrants, outcasts, literally anyone shunned by society. It was kind of His thing. And He wasn't big on giving oneself the glory when you do those things you're supposed to be doing anyway, and you can see in Mayor Pete's discussion of his own religious faith that he feels the same way. After he cited his favorite Bible verse (the "least of these" one), he also cited Matthew 6:5, which begins, "And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men." (KJV)

And yeah, the other half of Buttigieg's argument about what Jesus did and did not focus on is that it's kind of fucking mindblowing how these conservatives at the Church Of Holy Jesus No Buttfucking No Abortion House Of Prayer (when you're non-denominational, you can make up your own theology!) are so obsessed with two things Jesus didn't say a damn word about. The point is that if that was important to Jesus, you'd think He might have spared at least an aside during the Beatitudes, like "blessed are the poor, blessed are the meek, NO BONER GAMES WITH DUDES, OK?"

But He did not.

Now let's talk about Erick Goatfucker Erickson and his stupid Goatfucking article about Pete Buttigieg's faith.

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Post-Racial America

Christchurch Shooter Had Ties To Austrian Fascist. No, Not That One, Another One.

The shooter donated money to Austria's Identitarian Movement. Who are NOT RACIST.

Austrian Chancellor Sebastian Kurz is looking into dissolving a hate group known as Identitäre Bewegung Österreichs (Identitarian Movement of Austria, or AIM) after authorities discovered that the man who carried out the recent massacre in Christchurch, New Zealand, had donated $1,690 to their organization -- an unusually large amount compared to their other donations. As you probably know by now, "Identitarian" is the newfangled word all the white supremacists are using these days in order to distance themselves from the term "white supremacist."

The leader of the AIM is Martin Sellner, who has attracted attention in the States as well, notably being featured in an extremely unfortunate CNN article, back in 2016, of the "Look at this handsome, clean cut Nazi!" variety.

Sure, he's a white supremacist -- but have you noticed that he wears hipster glasses?

Authorities raided Sellner's house after the connection was discovered, confiscating electronic devices that might provide further links and communications with the shooter.

Sellner claims in YouTube videos that his only connection to the shooter was having "passively received" a donation from him back in 2018, and that the large amount was possibly even due to the shooter actually wanting to oppress "patriots" like himself.

This could be a plausible argument if the movement were entirely unrelated to the shooter's motives -- for instance, if he had donated to an animal shelter, no one could reasonably say that the animal shelter ought to be closed down or investigated. However, being that AIM is a notoriously Islamophobic organization, the shooter's target was a mosque, and his manifesto was filled with statements closely resembling the rhetoric of the IBO and other "Generation Identity" movements, it's reasonable to look into the extent of their relationship -- as well as the likelihood that their rhetoric could inspire further attacks.

It is also known that the shooter traveled to Austria and other places in Europe in late 2018, and authorities are investigating whether or not he met up with any fellow "identitarians" while he was there.

Since Sellner isn't quite as well known as some of his counterparts, it's worth giving a quick rundown on who he even is. He's been active in far-right circles since at least 2008, when he was a part of the Austrian neo-Nazi movement, which he claims to no longer be into (though mostly for PR reasons). Like many other white supremacist types, he came to prominence in 2016, around the time Donald Trump started to make fascism great again. Though he claims he and his group are non-violent, he is banned from carrying weapons in his home country due to his fondness for pepper-spraying liberal protesters.

He also claims his organization is not racist, often in the same breath that he says extremely racist (and completely batshit) things:

"My generation was never asked if we want this mass immigration, this Islamization and population replacement in this country," he explains over several cups of Viennese coffee. "We were born into a society that believes we are racist for simply saying that we are becoming a minority in our own country."

In a series of posts on YouTube, Sellner suggests white Christians are on the verge of "extinction," increasingly marginalized by growing numbers of migrants in what he calls the "Great Replacement."

"My biggest fear is that at some point demographics could kill democracy," he says, "that our society by mass immigration becomes such an ethnically fragmented society that a real democracy is not possible anymore because there is no common ground of values, history and identity."

Man, it sure is unfair of people to call someone a racist just because they say obviously racist things!

Sellner is currently engaged to American alt-right figure Brittany Pettibone -- who first made a name for herself back in 2016 spreading the ridiculous Pizzagate conspiracy theory.

The pair previously made headlines after being barred from entering the UK, along with their good friend Lauren Southern, for being gross anti-Muslim bigots.

Like Sellner, Pettibone also denies being a white supremacist or racist, despite regularly hanging around avowed white supremacists like Lauren Southern and saying things like this:

This is why civic nationalism isn't working and won't work, because of this. So it's based on the idea that as long as you have the same ideology and you love America and you believe in equality then it's gonna work. You know, all the bases of civic nationalism. But the left has made it where or, I don't even know what to call them anymore, these people have made it so we're not equal anymore because of the identity politics. You know, it's like a white straight guy can't even talk. His opinion's worthless. Do you understand what I'm trying to say, like why that would not then work? Because there's such an unequal balance throughout our country now of different groups. If you're an oppressed minority then you're automatically treated way better and so it can't work because of that. It's too divided now and so that's why I don't say I'm a civic nationalist because I don't think it can work.

Ah yes, she is being forced to be a white nationalist by liberals who are not nice enough to white dudes and too nice to minorities. Makes sense!

Here in America, we're never going to start going around "dissolving" groups of people, no matter how terrible they are -- that's not our bag and it shouldn't be. However! It's clear that these people and these groups are becoming more prominent and more powerful every day, and that they are inspiring their followers to do some pretty messed up shit. So we have an obligation to work twice as hard to diminish their influence, and to use our voices as much as possible to yell at law enforcement to do more to monitor extremists who are likely to turn violent or who are openly talking about turning violent online.

Oh, and it would also be pretty swell if GOP officials could, you know, not appoint them to the party as "associate delegates." At the very least.

[ABC News]

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Culture Wars

Batsh*t PA Rep Lady Won't Have Muslims Telling Her How To Pray To JESUS, JESUS, JESUS!

Meet Stephanie Borowicz. She seems nice.

Have you seen the OMG LOL WTF opening prayer at the Pennsylvania state House that's got everybody talking about what a crazy ass GOP state Rep. Stephanie Borowicz is? The one what happened the same day the legislative body swore in its first Muslim rep, Democrat Movita Johnson-Harrell, who had brought all her friends and family to celebrate the occasion with her, many of whom were also Muslims?

It was OH MY DEAR SWEET JESUS, but we don't mean that in a religious way, or in a nice way.

House Opening Prayer March 25, 2019

First off, we must note that these sorts of opening prayers are fucked up and weird and seem to fly in the face of that whole "separation of church and state" thing. (There's been a bit of controversy about this in Pennsylvania!)

We also must note that Rep. Borowicz herself responded to the controversy by saying, "That's how I pray every day," she is not sorry, and we believe her when she says all her prayers are that batshit.

And oh boy, do we mean batshit! Far be it from Wonkette to make fun of a person's personal praying style, haha just kidding, LET'S DO IT.

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Texas Being Just Like Jesus Again

First, they came for the cakes.

On Monday afternoon, the Texas legislature cleared Senate Bill 17, a bill that would allow licensed professionals such as doctors, lawyers, mental health professionals, social workers, and teachers to discriminate against LGBTQ+ individuals -- or anyone else whose mere existence they believe somehow violates their deeply held religious views -- without losing their occupational licenses. Just like Jesus did in that famous scene in the Bible where he told all the gay lepers to get lost.

The bill is Lt. Governor Dan Patrick's baby, and one of a number of bills he's pushing this year meant to legalize discrimination against LGBTQ citizens of Texas in the name of "religious freedom."

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Forced Birth Enthusiasts Claim Vaccines Are Immunizing Us All To Their Prayers

Well, it's just science.

I don't quite know how to tell you this, but a group of anti-abortion lunatics are currently urging people to stop immunizing their children on account of the fact that they believe that because some vaccines were made using cell lines from two aborted fetuses back in the 1960s, said vaccines are not only immunizing the world against disease, but against their prayers as well. They claim that were it not for these vaccines unfairly intervening with their plans, they would have overturned Roe v. Wade by now.

The group calls themselves Intercessors for America, and their whole deal is basically that they think prayers are literal magic and that if they pray super hard for leaders to do what they want, all of their wishes will come true. They send out a newsletter filled with extremely specific prayers for various politicians based on what they are doing that day and also have an "interactive prayer wall" on their site, which is actually just a Facebook comment section of some kind where a bunch of people are posting their prayers.

No, I did not press send. Though I was tempted.

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Kentucky Gov. Matt Bevin To Own Kids: 'A Pox Upon Thee!'

Like, literally. He made them get chickenpox, because he is A IDIOT.

Kentucky Gov. Matt Bevin explained on a radio talk show that he loves his kids so much he deliberately exposed them all to chickenpox, which has potentially deadly side effects. But hey, they lived, so he's the freakin' parent of the century. Bevin said that he'd taken all his kids to the home of a neighbor whose child had chickenpox so they'd all get the disease, instead of getting them vaccinated, and by golly, he's proud of his medically risky decision. And if his kids get shingles later in life, he may not be around to blame anymore, so it's all good!

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2020 presidential election

Pete Buttigieg On Morning Joe: Yes We Said Yes We Will Yes

Portrait of the mayor as a young man.

South Bend, Indiana, Mayor Pete Buttigieg went on the "Morning Joe" show this morning -- it's now prominently sponsored by America's Coffee Achievers -- and for nearly a half hour talked about Christian liberalism, fixing our stupid politics, war and peace, and why it's OK to be a youngling running for president. Danged if he didn't just impress the hell out of everyone with his easy command of facts and willingness to go beyond easy talking points. Let's discuss!

Here is the interview, in two parts, and it is actually kind of long and in depth! Is that even allowed on TV?

Pete Buttigieg: The Kind Of Person To Take WH Next Is What's Important | Morning Joe | MSNBC

Buttigieg, at Joe Scarborough's prompting, started off with a little Jesus talk of the sort we sure wish we heard more of from political types. Not a word about oppressed Christians being forced to make penis cakes for gays, but instead an emphasis on the ol' Catholic school notion of the "Imitation of Christ," although Buttigieg noted he's an Episcopalian now.

When God comes among us, you see service, you see humbling, you see foot-washing. Feet are gross. [...] And what could be more different than what we're being shown in Washington right now? Often with some people who view themselves as religious, on the right, cheering it on.

Pretty sure it's the children in cages thing. Gee, and Buttigieg didn't even mention Bible Scholars Jeff Sessions and Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who know Jesus approves of doing whatever we want to ILLEGALS, because it's THE LAW.

Buttigieg also said he really would like to hear a lot more from the "religious left," and somewhere on a bus some liberal nuns fist-bumped each other and exclaimed "Damn straight!" Faith, said Buttigieg, is about protecting the most vulnerable,

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Florida Man Gonna Save Kids From All That Porn In School Libraries

Florida teens wonder where exactly the porn is.

A pair of bills introduced in the Florida state legislature in February are aimed at cleaning all the dirty books from Florida schools, and at jailing any librarians or teachers who might allow a student to read filth like A Clockwork Orange or Toni Morrison's Beloved or The Bluest Eye. The bills, pushed by the rightwing Florida Citizens Alliance, would allow any Florida resident -- not just parents -- to challenge a book, and would make distribution of materials deemed "pornographic" or "harmful to minors" in schools a third-degree felony. No big -- that's only a five-year prison sentence and fine up to $5,000. Per bad book.

The sponsor of the Hose version of the bill, state Rep. Mike Hill, just knows the schools are full of porn.

The purpose of the bill is to remove pornography out of our public schools, which is existing there today. I've seen it firsthand [...] It is simply trying to protect our children.

The text of the bill, Florida HB 855, is pretty darn sweeping! The "harmful to minors" standard is defined thusly:

[Any] reproduction, imitation, characterization, description, exhibition, presentation, or representation, of whatever kind or form, depicting nudity, sexual conduct, or sexual excitement when it: (a) Predominantly appeals to a prurient, shameful, or morbid interest; (b) Is patently offensive with respect to what is suitable material or conduct for minors; and (c) Depicts an image or text that meets the definition of "deviate sexual intercourse."

But don't worry! Some depictions of sex or naughty bits would still be allowed in "materials used in a formal, scheduled sex education course." Which of course would require written permission (and possibly a character reference from a pastor). Also, we checked the relevant Florida statute to find out what in Florida constitutes "deviate sexual intercourse." It's truly wild stuff!

"Deviate sexual intercourse" means sexual conduct between persons not married to each other consisting of contact between the penis and the anus, the mouth and the penis, or the mouth and the vulva.
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