Right Wing Extremism

Oh Fiddlesticks, Did Three Witches Give Charlie Kirk The Poops?

It could happen to you.

Recently we remarked that it's easy to forget there are grown adults who literally believe that at any given time, there are demons and angels in the sky doing swordfights over whether they can tempt you into masturbating while you're on the toilet. Literally believe this. They call it "spiritual warfare," and it's a thing you'll hear a lot in certain kinds of churches. The notion came up after the Grammys, when Sam Smith and Kim Petras went to their local Party City and said "Give us the sexy devil costumes, we have some conservative Christians to mess with."

That night, Charlie Kirk tweeted a video of their performance with the words "Definitely not a spiritual war." As if he was saying something self-evident, that obviously it definitely was a spiritual war, which meant the angels and the demons were in the sky doing Fight Club and trying to tempt sinners into touching each other's underwear parts. A bit later, he tweeted "The Devil. Brought to you by Pfizer..." Because, you see, it was the Devil (capital letters, that is his name), and it was brought to you by Pfizer (vaccines!111!1!!!).

Also on that Grammys night, weirdo plagiarist Benny Johnson from Newsmax tweeted, "Is there a demonic gathering Pfizer won't sponsor?" As if Pfizer was just on a streak of sponsoring demonic gatherings. Because the vaccines !111!1!!! are the demonic gathering.

A bit after that, Benny shit his pants about how Joe Biden was going to do "Satanism" at the State of the Union.

These are not grown-up belief systems, for grown-ups. But they are very spooky!

Now watch Charlie Kirk talk about how three witches (3) came up to him once, started saying stuff at him, and just after that he got very sick. Did three witches (3) give Charlie Kirk the poops? Or was it more of a head cold thingie? What did the real literal actual witches do Charlie?

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Post-Racial America

Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders Unveils Education Plan: Hike Teacher Pay, Wreck Public Schools

Win ... win?

Fresh off her incomprehensible culture wars rant about the State of the Union Tuesday night, Arkansas Gov. Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced a big new policy plan for education Wednesday, featuring a big increase in teachers' starting pay and a full-on voucher program that would radically shift taxpayer dollars from public education to private and charter schools, just like rightwing opponents have wanted for decades. But for the teachers left in the gutted public schools, the pay raise would probably help some.

Here are the basic elements of Sanders's plan to reform/dismantle schools:

  • A universal school voucher plan, phased in over three years, that would give parents public funds to use at private schools, charters, or even for homeschooling.
  • Repeal of a "Teacher Fair Dismissal Act" that offered very minimal job protections to teachers
  • Restrictions on how schools will be allowed to discuss race and gender
  • $50,000 minimum pay for teachers
  • Up to $10,000 in merit pay
  • Forgiveness of student loans for teachers who take jobs in "high need" areas
  • "Streamlined early childhood education programs," which we can't find any details on. Aerodynamic toddlers?
  • Sending 120 reading coaches to schools that need reading improvement
  • $500 in tutoring grants for K-3 students who don't meet literacy benchmarks
  • "Dual diploma" program in high schools, to encourage students who prefer entering the workforce after high school instead of college

There's actually some good stuff in that plan, as long as you ignore the toxic steaming shitwad at its core. No, we mean the voucher policy, not Sanders.

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Montana Republican's Bill Banning  'Scientific Theories' In Schools Every Bit As Dumb As It Sounds

Banning evolution seems so nostalgic!

A newly elected Republican member of Montana's state Senate has introduced a bill that would prohibit public schools from teaching scientific theories, because as anyone knows, a theory is just a wild guess at reality that nobody can actually prove is true, like the "Theory of Evolution" or the theory that Joe Biden is an unstoppable affability bot from Mars that can't stop smiling and saying "folks" until it completes its mission of installing socialism or at least good roads.

Both are equally valid, because theories aren't facts, according to the bill's sponsor, state Sen. Daniel Emrich, a good Christian fellow whose Twitter feed includes posts pushing election denial, accusing Hillary Clinton of supporting "exicuting human babies," and asking what crime babies ever committed to deserve a death sentence. He's very pro-life, as you can also see in a tweet mocking a teenaged girl's obituary because she was "fully vaccinated." The man knows science, clearly. Did we mention Emrich was homeschooled? It seems relevant somehow.

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Right Wing Extremism

Anti-Drag Laws Spreading Like Kudzu, So Here Are THIS WEEK'S Stories About Straight Christians Abusing Kids

We're going to need to do this more often.

And now back to your regularly scheduled War on Drag Queens.

Arkansas's state Senate has just overwhelmingly passed SB 43, a bill to ban drag shows by reclassifying them as "adult-oriented businesses" that therefore cannot be seen in public. The head of the ACLU in Arkansas is expressing concern that the language of this bill, as written, would make it so a trans person wouldn't be able to perform in any way — "karaoke, poetry reading, Church choir, school play, pride event" — without running afoul of the law.

The bill's sponsor, Republican state Senator Gary Stubblefield, says that is just a bunch of poppycock, as the bill requires a "drag performance" to be aimed at "the prurient interest." No, this would not ban Shakespeare, he says. At least one state senator who supported the bill said it probably would apply to gay pride parades, though. Now the bill goes to the state House, and then presumably to Sarah Huckabee Sanders's desk, so she can use the magical powers granted to her by the voters of Arkansas to take a giant shit on innocent trans people and drag queens.

Meanwhile in Pennsylvania, Doug Mastriano, most recently known for his utter failure to get Pennsylvania interested in electing a fucking wackjob like him as its governor, has announced he plans to intro a bill banning all drag shows in public places or on public property, which would effectively ban them at pride events. A memo from Mastriano uses the phrases "adult-oriented business" and "the prurient interest," just like the Arkansas bill. This shouldn't surprise you, as bigoted state laws are often written by outside hate groups and copy/pasted all over state legislatures.

Also, Republican state lawmakers aren't particularly well-known for having their own ideas or being experts at reading or writing.

But if Republican conservative Christians are going to continue to escalate their eliminationist Nazi-style campaigns against LGBTQ+ Americans, and if they're going to keep saying they're doing it to protect children, then we will never stop pointing out that kids are in far more danger of being sexually abused/assaulted around conservative Christian pastors and youth group leaders than they are at drag events or by drag queens or LGBTQ+ people in general.

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