Snake Oil & General Woo

Jim Bakker Claims Not Letting Him Sell Silver Poison Violates His Religious Freedom

If it's a sacrament, shouldn't it be free?

Back in March, Republican Missouri Attorney General Eric Schmitt sued televangelist Jim Bakker and Morningside Church Productions, Inc., for claiming on air that the colloidal silver products he was selling on his website could cure a variety of ailments, including COVID-19 and HIV. Now, Bakker is asking a judge to dismiss that lawsuit, saying that not allowing him to sell you poison is a violation of his First Amendment rights and his religious freedom. In fact, Bakker claims that any product he sells on his television show is "divinely inspired" and therefore protected.

(To be fair, Bakker did once claim that God sent him a message to let him know that "things are happening" and people should therefore buy a bunch of his Mexican Fiesta food buckets. Oh, to be a fly on the wall during the divine "Mexican Fiesta food buckets" convo.)

Bakker is being represented by former Democratic Missouri governor Jay Nixon, who claims Bakker is being persecuted for being a Christian, as is wont to happen in a country where 71 percent of the population identifies as Christian.

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Religion

Pastor Tony Spell Brags About Getting 200 Coronachecks From His Followers

This guy.

Pastor Tony Spell of the Life Death Tabernacle Church in Louisiana has been having quite the pandemic.

Currently, he is under house arrest for insisting upon continuing to hold church services despite the fact that social distancing rules prohibit him doing so, and for nearly running a guy over with a school bus. Somehow, despite wearing an ankle bracelet, this wily motherfucker keeps getting out every Sunday to host, he claims, over 800 congregants at his church, where there is a lot of yelling and unfortunate dancing. So far, at least one of these congregants has died of COVID-19 and the lawyer who is representing him in all of this also contracted the virus.

But gathering a bunch of people together in a room at a time when a contagious and deadly virus is going around is not the only thing he's been doing these days. He has also issued the #StimulusChallenge, in which he "challenged" the faithful to give their stimulus checks to him and other evangelical pastors instead of spending it on worldly items like food and rent.

And, apparently, it's working out quite well for him!

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coronavirus

Pastor Tony Spell Won't Let House Arrest Stop Him From Maybe Giving More People Coronavirus

One of his parishioners has already died of COVID-19. Who will be next?

Evangelical pastor Tony Spell has made a name for himself throughout the pandemic, largely by being a jackass. He insists on continuing to hold church services despite the fact that said church services led to the COVID-19 related death of one of his ushers, and he nearly backed over a protestor with a bus.

He's been so defiant that, after the almost killing a guy debacle, he was put on house arrest for refusing to stop holding services. But on Sunday, he headed back to his Louisiana church, ankle bracelet and everything, and posted it all on a Facebook livestream for the whole world to see.

According to Spell's lawyer, who also contracted COVID-19, Spell believes the reason he is being told to stay home is not because anyone wants to save any lives, but rather because no one wants him to preach the word of Jesus. After all, Louisiana is only the fourth most religious state in the country, and 84 percent of the population is Christian, so it would just make a whole lot of sense that this would be their big problem with him.

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Religion

'Messianic Rabbi': Send Us 10% Of Your Stimmy Check So Jesus Can Buy Himself Something Nice

Don't rob Jesus!

When last we heard from Messianic Rabbi Curt Landry (that's a fancy way of saying "Jews for Jesus"), he was explaining how people should listen to Donald Trump about the coronavirus and not Anthony Fauci or any other doctors, because Trump was anointed by God and doctors were not. The week before that, Landry warned his followers not to take any COVID-19 vaccines once they come out, as they are all "from the pit of hell" and will be used to create a database of people who will be willing to take the Mark of the Beast.

This week, Rabbi/Pastor/Whatever Landry is doling out financial advice, explaining that the best way for those who are struggling financially during this pandemic to get out from under is to continue giving 10 percent of whatever their income is to the church — and that if they don't do that, it's like they're robbing Jesus, who needs 10 percent of their coronavirus checks to go buy himself something nice.

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