Erick Erickson Leads Oppressed Christians Through The Valley Of The Shadow Of GAYS! OH F*CK! GAYS EVERYWHERE!
AND THEY'RE HAVING PARADES!
Glory hallelujah! Erick Erickson, who has not fucked any goats that we know of but who recently argued (for clickbait reasons) that Pete Buttigieg probably thinks Jesus does like bestiality, has written a column teaching "Christians" how to behave during Pride month, we guess because they needed a primer. And yes, we know Pride month is technically over, but that little scheduling conflict didn't seem to bother Erickson, who published it in his hometown Macon Telegraph on June 30, so why should it bother us?
It starts:
What are Christians to do during Pride?
Um ... cut the grass? Pay the bills? Or even ... go to Pride if they wanna?
Trump Nazi Gonna Decide Who's A Rabbi Now, OK Sure Whatever
Guy who calls himself 'Dr' can NOT believe the nerve of some people.
Sebastian Gorka, the former Trump administration whatever-he-did-there guy, got into a Twitter fight yesterday with some actual rabbis Thursday, proclaiming them Fake Jews because they said Jewish law doesn't forbid abortion. (It doesn't.) And if a Hungarian Nazi with a fake PhD doesn't know who's really a rabbi and who's not, well then who can you trust, really?
Marianne Williamson: America's GOOPiest Presidential Candidate!
A Wonksploration.
This week, whether we like it or not, we have been treated to the "Presidential Candidate Marianne Williamson Calls Vaccine Mandates 'Draconian' And Is Then Eventually Pushed To Say She Supports Vaccines During An Appearance On 'The View,'" news cycle. It was not a particularly compelling news cycle, given that there is pretty much no chance that Marianne Williams is going to be president and ridiculous people say ridiculous things about vaccines all the time.
Although my "this is gonna be some shit" senses tingled when I initially saw that Williamson, described as a "spiritual guru," had qualified for the first round of the Democratic primary debates, I did not fully delve in to what that actually meant until yesterday, when the combination of the vaccine nonsense and her answer to "What is your comfort food?" was that she didn't have any was so kooky that I decided I needed to know more. As I suspected, this shit was just the tip of the iceberg.
Outraged Christians Demand To Speak To Netflix's Manager About Amazon Prime's 'Good Omens'
Also, 'Good Omens' is excellent and you should definitely watch it.
Back in May, the long-awaited adaptation of Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman's Good Omens was finally released into the world ... and it was good. In fact, it was awesome and David Tennant should be in literally everything always. I liked it, critics liked it, and you will probably like it too, if you are a person with good taste in things.
But it isn't for everyone! Particularly the 20,000 angry Christians who signed a petition this week demanding that Netflix cancel the show, on account of how it insults God by giving God a lady voice and that it will make everyone think that "evil" is super great and awesome. The petition was created by an organization called the "Return to Order Campaign," which seeks to create an "organic Christian society" and fight "the abandonment of God and His law and the increasing public recognition of satanic acts, symbols and ideas."
New York Decides Religion Is Not A Good Enough Reason To Spread Measles
Gov. Andrew Cuomo signs bill eliminating religious exemptions for vaccines.
Once upon a time, in the year 2000, the CDC declared measles "eliminated" — thanks to vaccines. Of course, that was seven whole years before the the former co-host of MTV's Singled Out decided to start going around telling everyone that those same vaccines caused her kid's autism. Since then, we've had more than a few measles outbreaks, but this year has been the worst so far. In the United States this year, there have been over 1,000 confirmed cases, more than half of them in New York alone.
Many of these cases have been concentrated in Orthodox Jewish communities, where the issue is not so much "autism," but rather the belief that vaccines violate Jewish law in some capacity. This belief is disputed by the Rabbinical Council of America and the Orthodox Union, both of which strongly encourage parents to get their kids vaccinated. Of course, there are also a lot of people who only pretend to have "sincere religious objections" but in fact just believe in the ridiculous autism conspiracy theories.
In response to this outbreak, Gov. Andrew Cuomo signed a bill yesterday eliminating religious exemptions for vaccines.
Roy Moore's Lawyer Charged With DUI, Possession, & Representing Roy Moore
He seems nice.
Ambulance chaser Trent Garmon was arrested last night, but perhaps more troubling for him is that the news articles refer to him as "Roy Moore's lawyer." You'd hope he'd have at least one other client more impressive than a failed Senate candidate who was banned from the mall.
Gadsden, Alabama, police charged Garmon with driving under the influence of controlled substances, second-degree possession of marijuana, and drug paraphernalia. When our car was recovered a couple years ago after it was stolen outside our house, the "drug paraphernalia" found inside was a crack pipe. We are NOT saying that Garmon was smoking crack or in possession of a crack pipe. We're just sharing our own traumatic experience.
Garmon is a terrible lawyer we've mocked often for his comical incompetence. He tried to sue the Washington Post for defamation because it accurately reported that Roy Moore existed, which proved fatal to his campaign. When not defending creepy old men who want to bang 14-year-olds, he's also defending the rights of religious bigots to bully and harass school kids who practice the "homosexual lifestyle" (and even those who are just naturals at it).
GARMON: The intent of the homosexual agenda is to have a protected class specifically for that type of a lifestyle and to tell teachers and administrators in schools that no one can talk about their sexual orientation. It would be like saying that an alcoholic or a drug addict should be protected from anyone talking about their alcohol problem or their drug problem.
We are petty enough to appreciate that Garmon was busted for a DUI a week into Pride month. He obviously supports our right to discuss his apparent issues with controlled substances, so we'll continue.
Philippines President Cured Self Of Gay, Still Addicted To Murder, Dictatoring
Rodrigo Duterte says he's ex-gay? How about being an ex-president, maybe?
Murderous Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte is quite the wag! He's best known for his campaign of extrajudicial killings of people suspected of drug crimes -- estimates are around at least 12,000 killed since 2016, though one human rights group says it could be as high as 27,000. He loves to joke about how he could be another Hitler and that would be fine, if only he could kill millions of addicts and dealers. Duterte is also a big fan of rape jokes, especially if it's jokes about soldiers raping ISIS ladies -- again, just joking, only serious. So you can see why Donald Trump admires Duterte's "toughness."
Now Duterte has thoughts on The Gay, claiming that one time he used to be gay, but he "cured" himself by finding the right woman, as a man's man would. Or would not, if he really had been a man's man. We can only imagine how Trump will try to top that one. As it were.
A Few Thoughts On Pete Buttigieg's Dick Brother-In-Law Who Doesn't 'Agree' With Chasten's 'Gay Lifestyle'
MAD ABOUT A THING.
It's usually bad form to begin writing a piece by telling the reader why you're writing about something, or the feelings you have approaching that subject, or that thing your mom used to say about something related to that subject, because if that's what people wanted to read, they'd be reading your autobiography. We're going to do it anyway, though, because we read the Washington Post profile and interview of Chasten Buttigieg a few weeks back, about how he was rejected by his family, experienced homelessness, and now, at the ripe old age of 29, it's at least theoretically possible he could end up being America's first First Gentleman, and also America's first gay presidential spouse. And then, today, we read in the Washington Examiner that his older brother, Rhyan Glezman, a country church preacher in Michigan, is freely telling the media that he's feeling downright TRIGGERED by the Post's account of his family's reaction to Chasten coming out, because it makes them look like bigots, when in reality he loves Chasten. He just doesn't accept Chasten's "lifestyle" and thinks he's going to hell probably, but he loves him. (For the record, it sounds like Chasten's mom and dad have come around. Good for them!)
So, the personal part. This is not our family, and we have zero insight into the interpersonal relationships in the Glezman family, how they really get along, or what wounds might exist there. And honestly, we don't want to know, and wouldn't write about it, except that Chasten's 34-year-old brother Rhyan has inserted himself into this discussion by talking to the right-wing media. (Bad move, bro!) But we're adding our $.02 because we are a gay man, 10 years older than Chasten, who also experienced rejection from a religious family (or at least a family that likes others to think they are just so devout), and who's been on the receiving end of more "love" than we could ever stomach from people who "want the best for us," but simply "don't agree" with our "lifestyle." OH YEAH ALSO OH BY THE WAY they think we're going to hell and DID WE MENTION THE PART ABOUT how when it really counts, they'll cast their votes for people who would seek to hurt us in a New York fucking minute.
(Three guesses who voted for Donald Trump, and who told the Washington Examiner he wouldn't support Pete Buttigieg for president. No, GUESS!)
Point is, Chasten, if you read our expert analysis of your family and we get bits of it wrong, that's just because we're projecting our fucked up experience onto your fucked up experience. Hooray for therapists everywhere!
Arizona Man On Trial For Felonious Decency To Migrants
Scott Warren accused of reckless regard for human life in 2018 helping spree.
In Tucson, federal prosecutors are trying to prove that a humanitarian aid worker engaged in "conspiracy" and "harboring" two undocumented Central Americans who showed up at his group's desert aid station in January 2018. Scott Warren, of the nonprofit No More Deaths, gave the men food and water and, along with other volunteers, let them rest up for three days at the facility in Ajo, Arizona, known as "The Barn," so that apparently counts as a big-time criminal human-smuggling operation. Warren's federal trial began Wednesday in Tucson; he's charged with three felony counts: one for "conspiring to transport" the men, and two counts of "harboring" them. Also, the men didn't really need help, because they took selfies on their phones. Yes, the prosecution is really arguing that.
Warren's attorney, Gregory Kuykendall, said in his opening statement that the government has the burden of proving that Warren "intended to violate the law."
He told the jury that "if what you intend is simply to help someone," by providing water, food and shelter, then it is not a crime.
The lead federal prosecutor, Nathaniel Walters, insisted humanitarian motivations simply don't enter into it, because the feds plan to show Warren was deliberately "shielding" the migrants from the Border Patrol.
Kuykendall said Warren is no criminal, but rather is a "law-abiding, life-giving Good Samaritan" motivated by his desire to help people not die in the desert, regardless of their immigration status. The Arizona Daily Star notes Warren moved to Ajo in 2014 so he could work with No More Deaths to prevent people from dying, and that records from the Pima County Medical Examiner's office show over 3,000 people's remains have been recovered from the Southern Arizona desert since 2000.
Warren's actions followed guidelines set up by No More Deaths, Kuykendall said. On the day the men arrived at The Barn, Warren had been in contact with volunteers and with sheriff's deputies, helping with a search for a migrant. Warren left to go to the grocery store to get dinner ready for the volunteers, some of whom were new, and brief them on what to do if they found human remains in the desert.
If Women Are Even Half As Evil As Clarence Thomas Thinks We Are, We Shouldn't Be Having Babies In The First Place
Anyone who would have an abortion based on race or sex would be a pretty terrible parent, no?
On Tuesday, the Supreme Court issued a mixed decision on two abortion-related Indiana laws. The first was a law requiring that fetal remains from abortion be cremated or buried, and that was upheld by the court in a 7-2 decision. The second was a law banning the termination of a pregnancy on the basis of the fetus's race or sex, or because said fetus has a disability or disease of some kind. The court was unanimous in declining to even review a lower court overturning that portion of the law. Which is good, because that is ridiculous.
Still, Justice Clarence Thomas issued a 20-page concurring opinion noting that while he agreed with the decision not to review the law regarding prohibiting abortions for now, that "this law and other laws like it promote a State's compelling interest in preventing abortion from becoming a tool of modern-day eugenics."
Fox News Still Stupidest, The Worst: Awful New Abortion Laws Edition!
They all suck.
America is slouching further toward Gilead after a recent flood of forced-birth laws. Even televangelist and renowned hurricane slayer Pat Robertson is concerned. He's afraid Alabama's crazy new law goes "too far." Robertson doesn't give a crap about women, but it concerns him that a doctor who "commits abortion" could wind up in jail for 99 years. That's almost longer than you sit around in the waiting room before a physical appointment. He also (perhaps pessimistically) believes the case isn't the right one to challenge Roe v. Wade because it's so extreme it'll get slapped down by the Supreme Court. This will tragically doom women to the tyranny of bodily autonomy.
But while cranky old Pat is picking lemons, Fox News's usual gang of idiots -- that's a Mad Magazine reference, Pete -- are making lemonade. Tucker Carlson thinks we're focusing too much on women giving birth against their will. Why isn't anyone pointing out that they're also becoming parents against their will? Why, even an 11-year-old rape victim is eligible for the blue ribbon parenthood prize! Abortion supporters are apparently monsters who can't see the upside in anything.
Alabama Goes And Decides To Force Victims To Carry Their Rapist's Babies After All
Twenty-five white dudes decide this is in fact a great idea.
Remember yesterday, when we ran an article, an article that I wrote about how maybe some of Alabama's Republican male legislators were having second thoughts about forcing rape victims to carry their rapist's babies, and thought that maybe there ought to be some exceptions in their new law outlawing abortion?
HAHA, just kidding. While four white male Republican legislators, Del Marsh, Cam Ward, Andrew Jones, and Jim McClendon, voted for the amendment allowing exceptions, they were outnumbered by all the other white male Republicans who opposed the exceptions. Then, when it came time to pass the bill as is, all four joined their fellow white male Republicans in voting to pass it. No Democrats—and, perhaps more notably, no women—voted in favor of the bill. Two of the 27 Republicans in the senate abstained from voting.
So HB 314 passed 25-6. The bill, unlike the bills being passed in other states, outlaws all abortions, not just those after six weeks. The only exception is if it's a situation where the mother will definitely die from having the baby. While those who seek abortion will not be charged with a crime, a doctor performing an abortion could get up to 99 years in prison—more years than a rapist would get in most situations.
State Sen. Clyde Chambliss, one of the major proponents of this bill, was eager to demonstrate the depth of his knowledge of the female reproductive system during the hearing, explaining that abortion will still be legal for those who do not yet know they are pregnant.
F*ck Mike Pence And The Cross He Rode In On
Mike Pence told Liberty University grads what happens to kids who grow up to be gay-hatin' fascist crapsacks like Mike Pence.
Mike Pence spoke for the convocation at Liberty University this weekend, where a stunning 21,000 graduates are being released into the world with degrees that, while they might technically be valid, may not be worth the paper they're printed on in a lot of fields. And unto the 8,000 who attended the convocation he didst deliver a rousing message! Sure, it wasn't Oh, the Places You'll Go! but if you're a brainwashed snowflake-y gay-hatin' Bible beater, it landed well.
But it was more than that, though. Pence just wanted those kids to know that they are going to be persecuted to death for their beliefs, because there is nothing more whiny-ass than a white fundamentalist Christian who doesn't understand why the entire world hasn't conformed to what they believe is God's image.
'Prophetess' Running For Mayor Of Toledo Is Now Also A Wrestling Champion
Be still my heart.
Meet Opal Covey! Opal has been running for Mayor of Toledo, Ohio since 2012 and is a self-proclaimed prophetess with a flair for fashion and a dream to fill the city with amusement parks (and the potholes with asphalt). She claims that despite coming in last in all of these elections, she actually won them but all the votes were destroyed because "voter fraud" and that if the City of Toledo does not elect her, God will do a bunch of wrath to it.
And now she is a wrestling champion!
Yes, this Thursday, Opal made her wrestling debut on something called "Extreme Chaos Wrestling." But rather than spending the whole match doing wrestling stuff, Opal just ranted incoherently for seven minutes, until some guy named "Pain Train" showed up. Then some other guy hit Pain Train over the head with some kind of wooden stick, and Opal put her foot on his back and yelled triumphantly, the clear winner of this definitely real wrestling match.
Local "Politician" Opal Covey Takes on Local Indy wrestler. youtu.be
Equality Act Hit By Avalanche Of Brutally Stupid GOP Amendment Proposals
Godforbid they just let gay and trans people have some civil rights!
I was *this* close to titling this post "You Seriously Will Not Freakin' Believe The Stupid Shit Republicans Want To Add To The Equality Act" before realizing that I should not do that, on account of it being a very clickbait-sounding headline and we are above that here, but seriously... you will not freakin' believe this shit.
At least I didn't, and it's awfully hard to surprise me these days. Seriously, if I were on Family Feud, with an audience made up entirely of Congressional Republicans and the topic was "Our Terrible Ideas For Amendments To The Equality Act," I would fail miserably. I would go home with nothing.
I don't know, I guess I still have too much faith in people.
The Equality Act is supposed to be an amendment to the Civil Rights Act meant to prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity specifically. Theoretically, it should be as simple as that. But of course, not only do Republicans want to add a bunch of things in there meant to ensure that bigots can still discriminate against people based on their sexual orientation and gender identity, but they also want to throw in a bunch of shit in there about abortion and about prohibiting discrimination against people for their "political orientation." Because god forbid anyone judge anyone based on... the content of their character.
Was It Jerry Falwell Jr. In The Outhouse With The Pool Boy? DOES WONKETTE WIN THE GAME OF 'CLUE'?
We are just asking.
We would like to say right here at the outset that we do not care what kind of cuck bullshit Jerry Falwell Jr. and his wife get up to, if they do in fact get up to cuck bullshit, and we do not know that they do. We don't know if old Jerry is sticking it to the pool boy, or if the pool boy is sticking it to him, or to anyone else, or if they even have a pool boy. And we certainly would not like to know if Jerry Falwell (allegedly!) likes to have the pool boy do sexuals to his mother in the outhouse while they're both "drunk off [their] God-fearing asses on Campari." That would be GUH-ROSS, not just because Mrs. Falwell is dead, but also obviously because it is not Bible-approved, and regardless, YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH.
But because this is 2019, we do now know that back in 2015, Michael Cohen (who is on like day three of prison, hope he's making friends and not getting in any trouble!) claims, he helped Falwell deal with some RACY PICTURES he didn't want getting out, pictures described as "between husband and wife." Not long after that, Falwell endorsed Donald Trump.
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