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He speaks the truth.


Hooray, that dumb holiday where we eat 300 pounds of food and say we're "thankful" for "things" is over, and now we can go back to doing hot, wet War On Christmassing to each other, like we liberals do. First we broke baby Jesus's heart by causing our minion corporation Starbucks to make a cup that's red, like that's even a Christmas color, PFFFFFFT.

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Then commie Pope Francis took some time out from dropping sick beats with Kanye and Dre to say, "You are a bunch of idiots with your Christmastime cheer, since all you do is murder everybody with war," and then he added, "PFFFFFT," also.

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And then we all put special Christmas donations into the sexy stockings of the Wonkette writers (Kaili, Evan and Dok, in case you have forgetted), because you can't do War On Christmas if you don't have WARBLOGGERS!

And your donations are coming just in time, because Ted Cruz and Dead Andrew Breitbart's Still Hairy Corpse are launching a counter assault, and oh no, we are liberals who are getting it sticked to us, everybody take cover OH SHIT!

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First up, we are about to be attacked by hordes of bewildered dumbass Ted Cruz supporters who just dropped 65 buckaroos to wear this ugly sweater that says "Merry Christmas" and has a picture of Ted Cruz on it. HAHA just kidding, it doesn't even say "Merry Christmas," it says "Don't Tread On Me":

 

Now, we would have THOUGHT a picture of the baby Jesus would have been more appropriate, but Cruz is baby Jesus's chosen candidate, so we guess it's fine. Anyway, wear that sweater and people will think your whole torso is mistletoe and will start kissing you on the penis or the lady-garden, or maybe they'll call the police because you forgot to wear pants. We don't know.

We also don't know how exactly this is sticking it to the liberal War On Christmas Fighters, but Right Wing Watch 'splains that's what Cruz says in his latest fundraising email:

Set an example for the "tolerant left," and while wearing your festive Cruz for President gear, or any gear for that matter, make sure to say Merry Christmas every chance you get!

OK. Anyway, so now all the human assrockets who love Ted Cruz have a warm, fuzzy sweater (that they probably can't afford), but what if they want something hot to drink? They're certainly not going to that gay liberal whorehouse Starbucks, that's for sure.

Well, as we said, Breitbart to the rescue, because look at THIS cup, you libtards!

Ooh, boy howdy, they are PROUD OF THEMSELVES for this one, because they are dumbfucks who actually think there's a War On Christmas:

Just in time for Cyber Monday, Breitbart News launched today its first-ever, limited edition Merry Christmas coffee tumbler. The bright red tumbler is emblazoned with a snowflake-encircled Breitbart ‘B’ donning a Santa hat with “Merry Christmas” printed in bold across its face. The cup’s back features tongue-in-cheek barista boxes denoting the strength of one’s brew, with “Honey Badger”—a Breitbart community mantra for being “in your face,” based on the viral Internet video—representing the strongest blend.

“Caution: This beverage contains common sense,” appears at the bottom.

Other "barista boxes" say "RINO Hunter," "#WAR," "Border Patrol" and "Double Espresso," because the designers were too uncreative to come up with another cutesy box. May we suggest "Kim Davis" or "Nobummer Is A Muslin"?

If you're a racist who loves to type your misspelled words in ALL CAPS, get one of these for your very own self, for just $9.95!

Or, better still, buy yourself Wonkette's War On Christmas gay apparel and coffee cups instead.

[Right Wing Watch / Dead Breitbart / TedCruz.org via JoeMyGod]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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