• The culture industry absorbed the potentially-mentally-ill candidate Basil Marceaux into its oily cogs. Now that Basil is just another big wig, who will stand up against America’s #1 enemy, gold-fringed flags?
  • Dr. Rand Paul prescribed emergency circumcisions for all of Kentucky’s mountaintops.
  • The United Nations’ creeping tendrils wormed their way into Denver, Colorado, where Gubernatorial candidate Dan Maes EXPOSED the UN's secret mind-control device, the bicycle.
  • The most important Italian in the world after Super Mario had a massive hooker-threesome but no one noticed.
  • America's never-ending primary season continued in Michigan, Missouri, and Kansas.
  • Dr. Kevin Pezzi, a cancer mage and penis enchanter, disapperated from the Breitbart blog when his ill deeds were discovered in the entrails of a slaughtered heifer, via Google.
  • Ayn Rand’s Bang Bus dropped by your Wonkette's offices; they offered us a ride but in a terrible act of Socialism, they dropped us off without a dime after some very crude sex acts.
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