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looks healthy to us


SAVE THE DATE, AMERICA, AND THAT DATE IS TODAY! We'll have all your very important ShitHoleGate news this morning too, do not worry, but we wanted to remind you Donald Trump is having to give up some very important ZZZZZZZ Executive Time today, so that a doctor at Walter Reed may examine his meat folds and his shithole and find out if his cheeseburger-filled body is still capable of presidenting, or if it's past its sell-by date. That's right, he's having a physical! And it better go well, because Trump, who is not at all insane, says the stock market will crash if the doctor's report says his body is disgusting.

We don't know why this is necessary, since Trump obviously has the most perfect body of all the bodies, as his "doctor" kept telling us during the campaign. Trump is the healthiest person ever to hold the Oval Office! Good thing we didn't elect Hillary Clinton, because as we also learned during the campaign, Hillary is liable to stub her toe and die at any time.

GQ has a list of questions Americans would like answers to about Trump's health, like for instance why does Trump's doctor always reassure people that Trump's up to date on his latest HIV tests? Does he bareback a lot with people what aren't his wife, and just wants us all to know everything's good with that?

Another question: Is the president fat?

Saved ya some time, Walter Reed!

The doctor, White House physician Ronny Jackson, will also check all the normal stuff like "does Trump have a heart" and "is his blood warm," and also they will make him pee in a cup. (BETTER HOPE AIN'T NO RUSSIAN CAMERAS IN THE PEE PEE ROOM, DONALD!) And, since a 71-year-old man definitely needs to get his prostate checked, poor Dr. Jackson will likely have to fool around in and around the president's very bad shithole.

They are unfortunately not examining his brain, because Trump says he has a very good brain and if Trump says he has a very good brain that means it's not necessary for the doctor to interview his brain, much like how if Trump says NO COLLUSION, then there's no reason for Robert Mueller to interview him. It's a shame since, ever since Michael Wolff's very mean book came out, the White House has been taking every opportunity to prove the president is not mentally ill and does not have dementia.

We all know how those outings have gone.

So we may NEVER KNOW whether the president's brain is functioning correctly. LOL just kidding, we just checked Trump's Twitter and we're pretty sure dude's lost his fuckin' marbles.

Have fun getting your shithole checked, Donald!

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Let's take a break from the awful terrible news for a moment and check in with Donald Trump Jr. and his unfortunate face. As you may remember, Junior and his wife Vanessa are getting divorced, probably because Vanessa Trump is tired of waking up from nightmares about being married to a guy with that face and immediately seeing him sleeping next to her in bed with that face just leaving imprints on their nice luxury pillows. And the divorce has apparently been getting DIRTY, because "somebody" has been leaking stories to the New York Post about how Vanessa Trump used to write love letters to her MS-13 boyfriend in jail and Vanessa Trump used to date 9/11 and Vanessa Trump doesn't need any Trump money because she is swimming in Marinara Buck$, and so on and so forth. Who is whispering these Vanessa Trump Secrets in the New York Post's ear? Definitely not Junior!

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House Republicans, apparently trying to remind America that they're capable of bad decisions on so many more issues than just immigration, have offered a bold new plan to balance the federal budget in just nine years, eschewing the usual 10-year timeline more typical of such rightwing wet dreams to prove they're serious this time. And what an exciting name the thing has: It's called "A Brighter American Future," and it offers such fresh new Republican ideas as massive cuts to Medicare, also privatizing Medicare, chopping Medicaid into little bits, and then stomping on the bits -- all assuming that they've, once again, repealed Obamacare.

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