You will not believe this, but the man-children running for the GOP presidential nomination have been caught saying lies! Remember how a long time ago, when we were all little kids and the 2016 Republican slate promised they would support the Republican nominee, NO MATTER WHAT? And remember how there was a much more recent debate where Donald Trump and all the remaining candidates -- Ted Cruz, John Kasich and our dearly departed Little Marco -- all yammer-squawked about how Trump is THE WORST, but no big, they'll bend over and vote for him anyway?

Well it's a whole new world! At Tuesday night's CNN Festival Of Dildos Republican town hall, each candidate said to Anderson Cooper, in his own way, that those other guys can go fuck a stump, they're not voting for each other.

AND FOR WHY?! Well, for Donald Trump it's because Ted Cruz is unfair and the RNC is unfair and the rules about how the nomination is awarded are unfair. Of course, the answer came out in Trump's trademarked (like his Trump Steaks!) word vomit style:

COOPER: Do you continue to pledge whoever the Republican nominee is?

TRUMP: No. I don't anymore.

COOPER: You don't?

TRUMP: No, we'll see who it is.

COOPER: You won't promise to support the Republican nominee?

TRUMP: was essentially saying the same thing. Let me just tell you, he doesn't have to support me. I have tremendous support right now from the people. I'm way over two million votes more than him. I have many, many, more delegates than him. Like, many, many more delegates. As I said before, he was talking about his great victory the night Utah - well, I won Arizona. Many more delegates. Many, many more delegates.

I don't really want him to do something he's not comfortable with. Just like I can't imagine Jeb Bush - look, I beat these people badly. I beat Jeb Bush.

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH TREMENDOUS TERRIFIC YOOGE MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN. And again, he has been "treated very unfairly" by the RNC. He also reiterated that he thinks "you'd have a lot of very upset people" if the party stoled the nomination from him. Hey, maybe they would riot!

Trump reassured Lyin' Ted Cruz that he doesn't even want his support and said Cruz seemed very "tormented" when he was asked the same question.

Here's how Tormented Ted went back on his word, which is apparently not worth more than the Canadian toilet paper it's printed on:

I'm not in the habit of supporting someone who attacks my wife and attacks my family. I think that is going beyond the line. I think our wives, I think our kids should be off limits.  They don't belong in the attacks.

And, listen, I'm not an easy person to tick off, but when you go after my wife, when you go after my daughters, that does it.

He's still got his back up over Trump's attacks on the integrity of Mrs. Heidi Cruz, and also his retweeted suggestion that she's a total butterface. Of course, according to Trump's spokeslady Katrina Pierson, into whom Cruz may or may not have stuck his poutine-scented peenrocket, it's not even possible to attack Heidi Cruz, so we ain't know why he's so mad.

John Kasich is not personally involved in the pissy contest over whether Melania Trump is the hottest of all the boobyknocker ladies in the land, or is Heidi Cruz a fugly trollop, so he wasn't as bitchy about it:

I've been disturbed by some of the things that I've seen, and I have to think about what my word and endorsement would mean in a presidential campaign. [...]

You know, frankly, all of us shouldn't have even answered that question, but it was the first debate, and - you know? What the heck, sometimes you answer questions - you ought to just say I'm not answering it.

So reasoned, so moderate! We've all answered questions differently than we should have sometimes, no harm, no foul! We bet if Trump and Cruz started calling Karen Kasich a skanky ho on Twitter, Kasich would get moderately angry. (Not that we are suggesting anybody should do that, DO NOT CALL KAREN KASICH THE MEAN NAMES.)

So there you go. Three candidates. Three dickwhistling snotbags who promised to God and Jesus and Dead Ronald Reagan's rotting fannyhole that they would, for the good of the party, support whoever gets the nomination. PANTS ON FIRE AND A POX ON ALL YOUR HOUSES, not that we actually care.

[CNN Townhall Transcripts: Trump / Cruz / Kasich]


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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