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Republicans Watching Dem Debate Think It Would've Been Better With Republicans

Elections

Lots of Republicans were watching last night's Democratic debate, and they weren't shy with their opinions. They're the type of people who attend someone else's wedding and criticize the vows. This isn't about you. Your party is the one that nominated and actively helped elect Donald Trump, our first serial rapist president. The GOP is a raging Dumpster fire but you want to fiddle with the playlist at our party.

Let's start with John McCain's daughter, Megs McCabe, because she thinks everything starts and ends with her.

Get over yourself, MeghanTwitter

Meghan McCain is right for once. The actual point of a Democratic primary is not to "reach out" to Republicans. She's like the straight white women who invade gay bars and turn them into Ann Taylor Lofts that serve alcohol. McCain claims to "hate Trump," but that's on a personal level. She doesn't get that worked up over his awful policies, even the child torturing ones. All 101 Democrats running have a bold platform that involves not raping people, which we think suitably reaches across the aisle.


Republicans have a habit of voting for actual Republicans, not Democrats who try to talk like Republicans. (Hillary Clinton kind of famously tried to attract non-insane Republicans too. It did not work out as she'd hoped.) Now imagine that the next Democratic president combined the bigotry of Louis Farrakhan with the overall unfitness of Flavor Flav. Would Republicans really interpret this as a sign that they have to moderate their own policies? "Gee, the Democrats elected someone unconscionable. Our only recourse now is to adopt everything they believe in. Free abortions for everyone!"

Uh, what?Twitter

Conservatives don't like our candidates very much and think we're wrong to like them. The exception for what we're sure are perfectly legitimate reasons is Joe Biden. Any criticism of Handsome Joe from the left is evidence of a "circular firing squad." We're just begging to re-elect Trump.

Twitter

Elizabeth Warren is "shouty and angry" is sexist garbage that garbage sexists try to rationalize by claiming they also criticize men who are legitimately "shouty and angry." But if you try to point out unconscious bias to people like Tom Nichols, you'll get dismissed as a member of the "Warren Cult." It is a great cult, by the way. We have coffee mugs.

Amy Klobuchar is consistently polling around 1 percent, so within the margin of error of "no chance in hell." She's safely the "I'd vote for a woman just not that woman" candidate. We're unsure how anyone could still think Pete Buttigieg is Mr. Calm and Steady after his recent performance in South Bend. Hillary Clinton was also "calm and steady" but that was often translated to "cold and calculating."

Republicans don't think we should be pissed off about concentration camps, Muslim bans, and draconian abortion laws. We disagree and we'll go with the candidate who actually excites us. It's not enough to replace Trump. We lived in a world before Trump: Republicans were still in it, and they were awful. Check the Wonkette archives.

Joe Scarborough wondered why Democrats didn't attack Trump or Biden last night. Biden wasn't even on stage, and whenever Democrats do criticize Biden, these same people insist that we're only helping Trump win. Pick a strategy! These guys normally mansplain to us that Democrats didn't have a platform in 2016 other than "Trump bad" (fact check: lie). Warren especially has provided a clear vision of what she'd do as president, and it wouldn't involve golfing with Mitch McConnell.

The Bulwark declared that the clear winners of last night's Democratic debate were Trump, Biden, and McConnell. This is the worst company Biden has kept and he used to hang with segregationists. Conservatives will denounce Democratic policies (yep, they still think we're coming after everyone's guns). Yet they insist Biden or some other Tim Ryan is the best option Democrats have to beat Trump and, we guess, not enact these awful policies?

[John] Delaney and Ryan were both impressive and common-sensical and exactly the type of liberals that the Democratic party needs to run if they want to dominate national politics for a generation and not just be a bunch of people totally owning the cons on Twitter with their sick dunks.

Imagine being impressed by Tim Ryan and not being Tim Ryan's mother. How is that even possible? Sure, let's give up and nominate Democrats who are just like all the Republicans who either lost to Trump in 2016 or have cowered before him like a common Lindsey Graham.

Trump was supposed to destroy the Republican Party not the Democratic Party. He might've trashed your house but that doesn't mean you can remodel ours to your liking. We're not running Nikki Haley in a pantsuit. We honestly used to win elections without your help. We can totally do it again.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.

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