serious person

You might have seen this headline and thought, "My prayer chain worked, and the energy secretary has finally found romance!" But you would be incorrect. But it's springtime, so maybe there is hope for him to find true love! However, right now, Rick Perry, former Texas governor and alum of Texas A & M University, is very upset about how this one gay homosexual was elected student body president, as he believes the seat was stolen by The Russians because James Comey found his opponent's emails "in the name of diversity." WHOA IF TRUE!

So Perry did what all energy secretaries do when some homo at their old school gets them het up, and he wrote an op-ed in the Houston Chronicle. As Perry explains, at first he was pleased with the gay homosexual, and had no problem with him being the president of Perry's (former) student body:

When I first read that our student body had elected an openly gay man, Bobby Brooks, for president of the student body, I viewed it as a testament to the Aggie character. I was proud of our students because the election appeared to demonstrate a commitment to treating every student equally, judging on character rather than on personal characteristics.

But THEN he found out this other straight dude bro, Robert McIntosh, actually got more popular votes, LIKE 750 OF THEM, and he thinks it is unfair that McIntosh got more votes but did not win. Pfffffffft, all those 750 votes probably came from illegal Californian Mexicans anyway, but let's hear Perry out:

Brooks did not win the election. He finished second by more than 750 votes to one Mr. Robert McIntosh. However, McIntosh was disqualified by the SGA Election Commission and Judicial Court through a process that - at best - made a mockery of due process and transparency.

Rick Perry is in control of our nuclear weapons arsenal, and he's shaking his sassafras in the paper about a gay dude winning a student election.

Now, you might be thinking, "OK but it sounds like this adorable gaywad lost the popular vote like a common Donald Trump, so maybe Rick Perry has a point." You are so dumb. Let's let the Washington Post fill us in on some more details:

That student, Robert McIntosh, is the son of a prominent Republican fundraiser in Dallas who campaigned for Donald Trump during his presidential election.


McIntosh clinched the popular vote by 750 votes, but was disqualified by the student election commissioner after accusations of voter intimidation surfaced, reported the Battalion.

A&M’s judicial court — the university’s version of a student supreme court — overturned McIntosh’s disqualification, ruling there wasn’t sufficient evidence to prove he intimidated voters. But another charge, that he failed to disclose financial information for glow sticks briefly featured in a campaign video, was unanimously upheld, so his disqualified status did not change.


So McIntosh was accused of intimidating voters -- good God, Aggies, you are weird -- but that wasn't proven, but he DID get a glow stick ethics violation, which means INPEACH RIGHT NOW, BEFORE HE EVEN BECOMES PREZNIT OF SCHOOL. Hey, the rules are the rules, and no amount of pissy prancing from the energy secretary is going to change that.

But you see, Rick Perry knows that if it was the GAY guy who violated the Emoluments Clause with glow sticks, we wouldn't even be talking about this:

Every Aggie ought to ask themselves: How would they act and feel if the victim was different? What if McIntosh had been a minority student instead of a white male? What if Brooks had been the candidate disqualified? Would the administration and the student body have allowed the first gay student body president to be voided for using charity glow sticks? Would the student body have allowed a black student body president to be disqualified on anonymous charges of voter intimidation?


So, uh ... we don't even know what to say.

Congratulations on your big gay victory, Bobby Brooks! We hope you don't abuse your gay power so bad the energy secretary has to come right down there and give you a little love swat on your fanny!

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[Houston Chronicle / Washington Post]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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