Rick Perry: If Only Abortion Were Impossible, Maybe Joan Rivers Wouldn't Be Dead


INDICTED Gov. Rick Perry -- who still hasn't resigned, and yes, we are waiting -- isn't getting any smarter.

At a recent gathering of masochists who like the hurts-so-good feeling of listening to words trip and stumble out of the Texas governor's mouth like they're on painkillers at a Republican presidential primary debate, Rick did some word-stumblin' about the heinous abortion restrictions he signed into law in 2013. You know, those restrictions he emergency sessioned the legislature back to work for -- twice -- because enacting absurd and oppressive restrictions on abortion clinics, for the very obvious purpose of trying to shut them down, was an EMERGENCY!!!

The law is on hold for now, as it makes its way through the courts, but in the meantime, Perry's pretty sure it's a gosh darned good law that could save lives:

"Clearly, the will of the Texas Legislature -- which I agree with -- that it is a state's right to put particular types of considerations into place, to put rules and regulations into place, to make a clinic be as safe as a hospital," Perry said. "It was interesting that, when Joan Rivers, and the procedure that she had done where she died, that was a clinic. It's a curious thought that if they had had that type of regulations in place, whether or not that individual would be still alive."

In case you are suddenly confused, Joan Rivers was not having an abortion when she died. Nor was she in Texas, for that matter -- but let's not bother getting tripped up with geography or whether Texas law applies in New York, where Joan Rivers actually died, because we will be here all damned day long.

Perry's point, as far as we can possibly strain our minds to interpret it, is that all clinics are created equal, kind of like white men, so any time someone dies in or near or even aware of a clinic, it's probably because the abortion regulations were not strict enough. Ergo, if only New York had the same kind of abortion clinic regulations that Texas has -- or had, anyway, before some judicial activist decided to take a closer look at this moronic law -- Joan Rivers, who died of complications related to surgery on her throat, would still be ... actually, she'd still be dead, and Rick Perry would still be an idiot.

Perry is this close to not having to think about Texas anymore; in fact, for all of his claims that Texas is by far the superior state, he's even suggested he's considering moving to California, where, let's be perfectly clear, he is NOT welcome. But Greg Abbott, the state's attorney general and Perry's ideological twin, wants to be the next governor of Texas because he hasn't done quite enough damage to the state yet -- although he's already done plenty. He's carrying on the court fight to keep those abortion restrictions in place, and he's happy to do it, because he also thinks abortion is ewww and icky and does not want any woman to be able to make her own health care decisions when he can make those decisions so much better than any dumb broad, obviously.

Wendy Davis, however, isn't just any dumb broad. She's the super-bad badass state senator who stood up (for 13 hours!) to Rick Perry and Greg Abbott and all those men who kept telling her to sit down and shut up and stop talking about abortion because it isn't germane to conversations about abortion clinics. She's also a woman who understands what women's health actually is -- and also how abortions are different from throat surgery. The ability to make that kind of nuanced distinction is a nice skill in a governor, don't you think?

So it is time again to CLICK THIS LINK RIGHT HERE and give some money to help put Wendy Davis in the governor's seat. Because Texas deserves a governor who actually knows what she's talking about. And because Texas really doesn't need another Republican governor who supports laws that take away women's health care and then pretend -- or, dear god, actually believe -- those laws might have saved the life of a not-exactly-young celebrity with gastroenterological problems. And because ... because ... oops, we forgot the third thing.

Please give some money to Wendy Davis. She needs our help, and we need her.


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Oh hi! Michael Cohen is going to jail, because he is guilty! Just like Paul Manafort is guilty and GO THE FUCK TO JAIL! WHERE HE ALREADY WAS! (Read up on that here!) And all this news came out in the same hour, somehow, because we live in the dumbest fucking episode of "Law & Order" Dick Wolf ever threw on the cutting room floor, on account of how it was too stupid for words.

However, Cohen avoided a big nasty trial (or series of trials, like Manafort opted for) by just cold pleading guilty to a buncha fuckin' crimes, like a crimer who does a buncha fuckin' crimes all the time. And he implicated Donald Trump in a couple of them!

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HOLY FUCK this afternoon! Michael Cohen just finished a hearing in a New York courtroom where he said, "DURRRR I AM SO GUILTY," but this post is not about that. This post is about how Paul Manafort verdict has just come out! He has been found guilty on eight of the 18 charges he faced in the Eastern District of Virginia (EDVA). The jury is hopelessly deadlocked on the other 10, and so a mistrial will be declared on those and Paul Manafort may get to be retried on them, in addition to his next trial over conspiracies against the United States and witness tampering, which starts next month in Washington DC. Maybe the government will decide Manafort is going to die in jail anyway, and play hooky from retrying those other counts. They probably need a vacay, don't you think?

Trump really does hire the best people!

NBC News's Ken Dilanian broke the news that Manafort has been convicted on five counts of tax fraud, one count of failing to report a foreign bank account on an IRS form, and two charges of bank fraud. The short version of that is that he is guilty of EIGHT FEDERAL FELONIES (so far) and he is going to jail for EIGHT MILLION YEARS for each count. (OK, that is probably not completely accurate. But still, welcome to prison, Paul Manafort!)

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