Rick Perry Sorry For Being Idiot, Will Definitely Not Try Harder Next Time
Did you all watch Rick Perry's confirmation hearing? He had one! The dumb former Texas governor is, of course, Donald Trump's nominee for Energy secretary, and he made all kinds of hilarious news before his hearing even started, on account of a funny story in the New York Times about how he didn't even know what the Energy secretary does:
When President-elect Donald J. Trump offered Rick Perry the job of energy secretary five weeks ago, Mr. Perry gladly accepted, believing he was taking on a role as a global ambassador for the American oil and gas industry that he had long championed in his home state.
In the days after, Mr. Perry, the former Texas governor, discovered that he would be no such thing — that in fact, if confirmed by the Senate, he would become the steward of a vast national security complex he knew almost nothing about, caring for the most fearsome weapons on the planet, the United States’ nuclear arsenal.
LOL YOU DUMB IDIOT. But maybe he did know what the Energy secretary does, as one of his aides says now that his words were twisted and Perry wasn't that much of a dumb idiot. Oh well, shut up, New York Times, unless your original report was correct and Perry's people are just trying to make him look less like a dumb idiot.
In the hearing, Perry said he's sorry for forgetting that the Energy Department was one of the things he wanted to eliminate, because now he thinks it's OK:
“My past statements made over five years ago about abolishing the Department of Energy do not reflect my current thinking,” Perry said in his opening statement. “In fact, after being briefed on so many of the vital functions of the Department of Energy, I regret recommending its elimination.”
HE DIDN'T RECOMMEND THAT! At least not when he was trying to name things he would eliminate back in the day. Perry made LOLs by referencing that dumb gaffe, when Sen. Mazie Hirono of Hawaii asked him about Trump's plans to eliminate certain offices in the Energy Department, saying, "Well, senator, maybe they'll have the same experience I had and forget that they said that," just like Perry forgot he wanted to eliminate the Energy Department! LOL!
... Perry brought up the politically sensitive topic of climate change, saying he believes the climate is changing and “some of it” is caused by “man-made activity.” He added: “The question is how we address it in a thoughtful way that doesn’t compromise economic growth.”
Oh OK. Let's skip right to the part where Rick Perry made everybody giggle, by suggesting that he had allowed Sen. Al Franken to sex him in the butthole, which was very enjoyable:
FRANKEN: Thank you for coming into my office. Did you enjoy meeting me?
PERRY: I hope you're as fun on that dais as you were on that couch!
And all the senators, Democratic and Republican, laughed and agreed with Rick Perry that Al Franken's couch is indeed the funnest place ever, for coitus.
For a full recount of the hearing, which was kinda boring except for the funny parts, the WaPo has a nice recap. Perry will probably get confirmed, especially since asshole Democratic Sen. Joe Manchin of West Virginia was one of the folks who introduced him in the hearing. And maybe he knows now that the Energy Department deals with our U.S. American nuclear arsenal, and maybe he sorta kinda believes now that climate change is real, and maybe ...
We forget the third thing.
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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