Rick Perry Suspiciously Not THAT Opposed to Peeing on Dead People


NEW YORK—Well there was an awards ceremony last night! And we spotted former Connecticut senator and Motion Picture Association of America chairman Chris Dodd in the audience, who was looking in especially high spirits—at least considering thathis beloved SOPA is dead, or sort of dead, or temporarily "put on a shelf" or whatever it is they say, since bills like this have a long-documented sort of zombie thing about them, seeing as: how many years has it been now that we've been hearing how we wouldn't download a cheeseburger? Which: you morons! Of course we wouldn't download a cheeseburger! Cheeseburgers don't come in mp3s!!

So did you know that a super kinky affinity for necrophilia and watersports was a prerequisite for a Republican presidential candidacy? We sure didn't! But we learned as much over the weekend from Governor Rick Perry, who, in choosing to criticize the administration's response to that video showing US Marines urinating on the bodies of dead Taliban soldiers instead of, you know, roundly rejecting such a vile act as he probably should have, exposed what we can only assume is a certain weakness on the Governor's part for giving golden showers to dead people.

Oh Huntsman, we hardly knew ye. Which... we mostly didn't, actually! Poor guy, he's probably going to end up being one of the most unmemorable also-rans history, right up there with Bruce Babbit. Or Carol Moseley Braun. Do enjoy yesterday's ironically timed endorsement from the State arguing that Huntsman could "bring us back together." Brings us together around Romney, apparently?

Now, we've been very critical of Stephen Colbert in recent days, but we're starting to come around after his appearance this weekend on "This Week." Our concern was that he'd just make a joke out of this stuff, but it looks to us like there's actually a fine line between being just a joke and being a really effective mockery. And he's certainly doing well at making a mockery of all this! So we're going to hold out hope that this gets people paying attention to real (i.e. serious, actionable) solutions like Bernie Sanders' constitutional amendment.

And in a similar move, though one which only accidentally makes a mockery of the political process, some clown is "running" for the "democratic nomination" so that he can't legally be denied the opportunity to ruin your Super Bowl party with a bunch of aborted fetus commercials.

Do you want to pity a rich person today? Sure you do! It's Monday, after all—who isn't just swelling with sympathy as they stare down another grueling work week? So here you go, here is a rich person you can feel bad for.

Take that, Mark Zuckerberg: according to one study, at least, it looks like pseudonymous commenters leave the most productive online comments.

So be warned: There is a debate tonight in Myrtle Beach. A debate involving Republicans. Republicans running for president! Which is crazy, right? Seems like we haven't seen any of those yet. The fun starts at 9pm on your local FOX affiliate. And tonight's chug word is "vulture."


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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

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[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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