Rick Perry Thinks Donald Trump Is 'The Chosen One,' Since Everyone In The Bible Was Also A Jackass
On a very strange day this past August (though no stranger than most days the past few years), Donald Trump woke up and started tweeting out a quote from evangelical conspiracy theorist Wayne Allyn Root all about how he, Donald Trump, is beloved by Jewish people in Israel, who think of him as "the King of Israel" and "love him like he's the second coming of God." Or, you know, the first, on account of how they are Jewish. Continuing on, Root compared the good, Trump-loving Israelites to Jewish people in America, who he says "don't know him or like him" and thus "don't even know what they're doing or saying anymore."
Keeping with that theme, later in the day, Trump yelled "I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!" on camera, during a press conference about his trade war with China, as he is wont to do. A few days later, he walked it back, claiming that he did not mean that he was actually the messiah, and pretending that everyone was making fun of him for the press conference thing and not the whole "King of the Jews" thing.
But Rick Perry is not so sure. Maybe, he suggested in an interview teaser that aired on Fox & Friends on Sunday, perhaps, just perhaps, he truly is THE CHOSEN ONE.
Yes. The Chosen One.
Perry explained that he came to this conclusion after that whole messiah complex kerfuffle, realizing the fact that God is known to "use imperfect people" to do his bidding. A Chosen One, to stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness. So he made up a little "one-pager" for Trump, all about "those Old Testament Kings" like King David, Saul, and Solomon so he could see that they were also terrible human beings, just like him. Representation matters?
I have not ever read the Bible and have only been to Mass like four times in my whole life, so I cannot actually tell you if either of these guys were as horrible as Trump is or especially fond of grabbing women by the pussy without their consent, but it would not surprise me to hear that men in those days were super terrible. Heck, from what I have heard about God, he sounds like he might be a dick as well. I'm sorry, but I don't think that someone who not only drowned the entire planet to make a point but also went around turning people into salt for looking the wrong direction, and also told people to kill their kids as a practical joke, gets to tell me I can't have an abortion.
But if being "imperfect" is the sole criteria for being The Chosen One, rather than having super strength and recurring dreams about fighting vampires in one's past lives, then that casts a pretty wide net. That is most people. I would like to know what Trump brings to the Chosen One table other than just being really, really terrible. What's he doing that Charles Manson couldn't?
Following the clip, the Fox & Friends gang chatted about how sad it is that everyone is so mean to Trump over things like tweeting about how he is King of the Jews now, and that all of this cruelty "could discourage good people from running for office," because what he "has withstood is unlike what really any other mortal could understand." That is a fair point, and perhaps we should limit our harshness to the truly important issues, like what color suits he is wearing, his mustard preferences, and batshit conspiracy theories we came up with in the shower.
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Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. In addition to her work at Wonkette, she also has a biweekly column at Dame. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse