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Rick Santorum: Colorado Forcibly Re-Educating Anti-Gay Cake Bakers With TPS Reports

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Do you ever wonder if Rick Santorum worries that prettier, younger, even more homophobic sweet thangs are taking his place? Maybe each day he looks in the mirror, worries about the grey at his temples, puts on a new sweater vest, purses his lips, tells himself he's still got it, and goes out to grapple with a new day, hoping that if he gets more and more outrageous, people will still look at him like they once did. That's really the only explanation we can come up with for his whole "Colorado is FEMA-camping the anti-gay florists" thing he's got going on this week.


It's been a particularly tough year for old Rick since his beloved Pennsylvania embraced Satan and went all gay. And worse still, the judge that struck down the gay marriage ban was a judge that Santorum had supported, which is such a moral failing that Rick Santorum is probably actually already gay now. This is probably why Rick Santorum has basically gone Full Metal Santorum about basically the only goddamn baker in America that didn't want to bake a cake for the homosexxicans.

“You now see situations with bakers and florists and photographers who are being forced to provide services for same-sex weddings or get fined, lose their business,” Santorum said during the appearance on the American Family Association’s “Focal Point” radio program on Monday. “In the case of Colorado, there was a Colorado case recently where someone had to go to a re-education camp if you will."

Oh, we will, Rick, we will, because we actually don't believe you that there is anything even remotely close to a gay re-education camp, because if there was we would be working at that fucker already. So what's actually happening in Colorado, pray tell?

The Colorado Civil Rights Commission ruled in May that Christian baker Jack Phillips' refusal in 2012 to make a wedding cake for a same-sex couple on religious grounds violated the state's anti-discrimination laws.

The panel also ordered Phillips to submit quarterly reports for two years, outlining how he implemented new business policies, including anti-discrimination training for the staff.

Quarterly reports! Anti-discrimination training! That is exactly the same as if you sent poor greatest American freedom fighter cake-baking hero Jack Phillips to Auschwitz or Mao-era China or wherever it is that North Korea sends people now. How can he resist the crushing power of a state that can make him SUBMIT QUARTERLY REPORTS???

Thank god we have Rick Santorum to defend the startlingly heterosexual cake bakers of America. You're still a star, Rick. A big bright shining homophobic drama queen star.

[HuffPo]

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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