RNC Schwag Bag Filled With Cheese

The RNC,like the DNC, issued a "schwag bag" made of marijuana to each of its esteemed media correspondent reporters during check-in here, in the self-styled "Twin Cities." The DNC and RNC bags are very similar, which somehow demonstrates everyone's leave favorite thing: bipartisanship.

From left to right, vaguely:

  • A "Go Green... for schools" plastic bag in which one may recycle a cell phone. "Help kids by recycling your cell phone." No. Children are all little sacks of shit and deserve no recycled cancer phones.
  • A single pack of elitist sweetener called "Truvia" pasted to a large chunk of 20-pound paper. Don't waste it all on one coffee!
  • The *best* part: a huge pack of Kraft macaroni & cheese made by well-dressed pachyderm slave boy concubines.
  • Post-It Notes, so we can kill ourselves by tiny papercuts when we have to attend that thing, what is it, oh right, the Republican National Convention.
  • An AT&T pin of an idiot elephant paddling on a canoe on some river. It seems this is what the elephants "do" in John McCain's Twin Cities.
  • A fake UPS shit truck filled with breath mints and a sack of dicks.
  • Two Nature Valley food bars, one flavored "rocky stone" and the other "Buffalo chip."
  • A water bottled for Terry McAuliffe to sneak his vodka in. Why is Terry McAuliffe getting so drunk at the Republican National Convention?
  • An umbrella that convention attendees will open as a group tomorrow, at 5 p.m. Then they will say in unison, "Today, We Are All Americans Getting Fucked Over By That German Hurricane, But At Least We Have Umbrellas Unlike Those Poor Blacks."
  • A luggage tag sponsored by oh who gives a rat's ass.
  • A frightening magazine called World Traveler that warns both New Orleans and the Twin Cities that several Republican scum suckers will come to level them with incompetency.
  • A FUN MAGAZINE about things to do in the Twin Cities. It features Letters From various politicians and convention workers. The Letter From Norm Coleman, for example, says, "While in the Twin Cities, go to all sorts of fun things that have been canceled because of a big rain storm in Mexico or Spain or whichever is the one in America."
  • A "GOParty Guide," which includes a "GOParty Card," which is only good in the seedy bath halls of Bangkok, or the Minneapolis-St. Paul Airport, if a certain GAY is around.
  • Oh sweet, a ton of coupons for the Mall of America. That's not funny at all, just really cool. Gonna go buy stuff.
  • AT&T calling card. We will use this to chop up or cocaine brick. Oh no that's just flour! LOOKS LIKE WE GOT RIPPED OFF, damn teenagers.
  • Plant seeds. Meh, plants aren't on the Internet, so we will just flush these down the toilet.
  • More AT&T tips. Goddamnit. We should just burn the motherfucker down, AT&T that is. BURN. THAT. SHIT. DOWN.

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