Rob Ford Announces Reelection Campaign; Free Crack Rocks For All!
As a gift to comedy, performance artist/Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced Thursday night that he'srunning for another term.
"I’m running on my record and my record is second to none," Ford said at the Toronto Congress Centre. "I'm the most open hard-working mayor this city has ever had. I continue to pledge honesty and transparency."
God Bless You, Mr. Ford. You're no raasclat bumbaclot, man.
The astonishingly unselfconscious crack-smoking ne'er-do-even-close-to-well pledged to a crowd of supporters,
“I have experienced how none of us can go through our life without making mistakes ... I’ve learned humility, kindness of people and the spirit of second chances. I owe the people a great debt of gratitude.”
It is not known how many of the 2000 attendees were passionate Ford supporters, and how many were just there to see if he'd go off the rails again. Apparently, the latter constituency was left wanting, except for those who could be satisfied by chuckling knowingly at Ford's familiar routine of bravely battling on even though he is an innocent victim of unwarranted attacks:
"I won’t back down from the issues that matter to you. I won’t back down from protecting taxpayer dollars. I won’t back down from putting people's interests ahead of special interests.
“If you have my back when they start throwing mud … I promise you, Rob Ford will have your back for the next four years.”
Sadly, Mr. Ford did not see fit to share any swearing or Jamaican slang with the crowd, but we are more generous than that:
It is unknown whether Ford's body will be released by the consciousness of a time-travelling Scott Bakula before the election, or what exactly the mission is that he must complete before he "leaps" again.
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