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The House is about to recess until September, so the House Freedom Caucus's tawdriest whores, Mark Meadows and Jim Jordan (plus six of their stupidest friends), needed to drop one more deuce on the Russia investigation before vamoosing for their five-week, taxpayer-funded vacation. And drop one they did, proposing Articles of Impeachment for Rod Rosenstein, the Republican Deputy Attorney General, appointed by a Republican President, and serving under a Republican AG. And if you think that THAT'S moronic, wait 'til you see this POS shit document!

So what high crimes and misdemeanors did Rosenstein commit? Let's Derpsplore!


Article I: Failing to Recuse Himself from a NON-EXISTENT Investigation

The Moron Squad asked like fifty-eight times for a second special counsel to be appointed to investigate Hillary's Uranium Emails, and how James Comey was totally in the tank for Hillary, and how Poor Carter Page was Benghazi'd by the FISA Court. But then in March, Jeff Sessions sent them a letter telling them to get fucked. SAD!

You can't pull the wool over Jim Jordan's eyes though! Well, not unless you're a medical doctor molesting hundreds of boys on Jordan's watch.

Anyway! Jim Jordan knows the person to blame for Sessions's refusal is obviously Rod Rosenstein! And Rod himself approved the renewal applications for the TAPPS on poor, innocent Carter Page. So why doesn't Rod have to recuse himself from the ongoing investigation, HMMMMM???

As such, his conduct in authorizing the FISA surveillance at issue in the joint congressional investigation makes him a fact witness central to the ongoing investigation of potential FISA abuse. Deputy Attorney General Rosenstein's failure to recuse himself in light of this inherent conflict of interest and failure to recommend the appointment of a second Special Counsel constitute dereliction of duty.

Okay, technically there is no ongoing DOJ investigation to recuse from. But still!

Maybe Jim Jordan is suggesting that Rod Rosenstein should recuse himself from the congressional investigation ... which he's not part of, being a member of the Executive Branch???

Article II: The High Crime of SLOW REDACTING

How dare the Department of Justice take so long to wade through the hundreds of thousands of documents demanded by the House Dipshit Caucus? How dare they redact information on sources and methods used in the Russia investigation? OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!

WaPo reports that the Justice Department has already turned over 880,000 documents, refusing just one request.

A Justice Department official said Wednesday that only one committee request has been formally denied — a demand to see the unredacted Justice Department memo detailing which Trump associates are under investigation by Mueller and for which potential crimes. Officials declined that request because, they said, providing it could compromise ongoing investigations.

Hellloooo! Compromising ongoing investigations is kind of the point here, Rod!

Article III: More Stupid Shit About Redacting

The Department of Justice acknowledged the unnecessary redactions and agreed that some information should not have been redacted in an April 16, 2018 letter to Representatives Meadows and Jordan.

Wherefore, Rod Rosenstein, by such conduct, warrants impeachment and trial, and removal from office.


Article IV: Robert Mueller Is an ILLEGAL ALIEN!!!

In which, the GOP brain trust barfed out some nonsense words about how Robert Mueller is illegal because Congress hasn't been allowed to read an unredacted version of the appointment memo. They haven't seen it, but they know it says, "JAMES COMEY TAPPED DONALD TRUMP TO DEATH ON THE TARMAC TO HIDE HILLARY'S URANIUM EMAIL CRIMES."

Fun Fact: Judge Ellis already saw the unredacted memo in Paul Manafort's trial, and agreed that it's fine.

Also, there is NO COLLUSION, and if the government had said so, they would be lying.

Mr. Rosenstein's memo raises fundamental concerns related to the government's basis for alleging "collusion" between the Trump campaign and Russia, and whether these allegations resulted in potential crimes warranting investigation.

Which they didn't.

Article V: How Could Rod Rosenstein Let Loretta Lynch Murder Carter Page in 2016?

Yes, they are really trying to impeach him for stuff that happened during the Obama administration.

Under Mr. Rosenstein's supervision, Christopher Steele's political opposition research was neither vetted before it was used in October 2016 nor fully revealed to the FISC, given Director Comey's June 2017 testimony the dossier was "salacious and unverified."

And as for their claim that the DOJ somehow hid the fact that Christopher Steele was their source from the FISA Court, OH FUCK OFF!

And thus concludes our deep dive into this very serious, not at all idiotic document.


So, NOW WHAT???

Now ... nothing.

Okay, now these limpdick sumbitches go on Hannity to brag about an impeachment resolution that will never make it onto the House floor, much less go up for a vote. (A vote which they'd lose, and which would never even be considered in the Senate, BTW!)

Mark Meadows is shaking his ass, saying maybe he will force a floor vote today -- the last day of the session. But he's full of crap. He and Rasslin' Jim pulled this shit in December 2016, filing unpassable articles of impeachment against IRS Commissioner John Koskinen 10 minutes before the end of the Obama administration, only to have their own caucus bury it in the House Judiciary Committee and pretend it never happened.

This is a publicity stunt, designed to give Donald Trump a reason to fire Rod Rosenstein if he ever works up the nerve to do it. And now the Freedom Caucus will head home to present their brown noses to the donors and ask for MOAR MUNEEZ PLEEZ, since they really are that kind of girl.

THIRD VERSE, SAME AS THE FIRST.

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[NYT / WaPo / Articles of Impeachment]

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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