roger stone

PREDICTION: This week is going to be a fireworks shitshow. But maybe it won't! Wonkette is 100 percent certain that one of those two things is true, but we're leaning toward the former. While Donald Trump and his various Russian agents aren't actually on the ballot -- if you're not counting Devin Nunes or Dana Rohrabacher and a bunch of the rest of the GOP members of the House of Representatives -- there is a longstanding tradition that the FBI and DOJ don't do overt things during election season that could throw voters one way or another, unless it's about Hillary Clinton, in which case fuck it.

Special counsel Robert Mueller is a company man, though. He cares deeply about our institutions, and thus he is very By-The-Book and would like to avoid even the remotest appearance of having his foot on the scale. (Remember how quickly he fired Peter Strzok from his team last summer when the IG found out he was captioning all his peen sexts to his lady friend with "Trump sux"?) So we doubt there will be any major new indictments during election season proper. We could be wrong, but election season proper starts after Labor Day, which means if Mueller's got a fireworks show for us, it would have to be this week.

And Roger Stone seems to agree! Or at least he thinks his time in the barrel is nigh, for #FakeNews reasons, of course.

Stone sent this bugfuck fundraising email this weekend:

HE'S NEXT! They're not coming for him because he did crimes, though! It's because the "Deep State" wants to assassinate him again, for the 40th time this year! PLEASE SEND DOLLARS, because Roger Stone needs to be able to buy cigarettes and Twix bars in prison, and to do that, you need money in your commissary account.

He seems pretty sure Mueller's coming, though. Could it be in part because Robert Mueller is closing in on Stone's longtime aide Andrew Miller, whom Stone calls a "pugnacious bantam rooster," because duh, that is just a normal nickname? CNN reported this weekend that Miller was granted full immunity to testify for the special counsel's grand jury, after Miller tried and failed to get a judge to declare Robert Mueller's entire face unconstitutional, which led to Miller being held in contempt. However, CNN has changed its reporting like a common CNN, to simply state that Miller is still "resisting" the investigation. (He definitely still wants immunity, though.)

So that could be part of it. Mueller has been circling Stone's associates like a vulture lately, as he gets closer and closer to Stone's hollowed out, misshapen carcass. So maybe he is right that he is next! Maybe Robert Mueller will give America that, as a Labor Day Miracle!

But, also according to Roger Stone, it's possible that another misshapen carcass of unfortunate proportions could be indicted next, and that person's face looks like this:


In Michael Wolff's Fire and Fury, Steve Bannon was memorably quoted as saying Junior did unpatriotic treason, and that his face is going to get cracked on TV like a big egg. We thought that was weird, because we always figured it would be Junior's face cracking our TV screens and not the other way around, but hey whatever.

Longtime Republican operative and former Trump campaign adviser Roger Stone predicts special counsel Robert Mueller will indict Donald Trump Jr. on a "process crime."

"The special counsel is going to charge Donald Trump Jr. with lying to the FBI. Notice they're not charging him for having an illegal meeting with a Russian at Trump Tower because there's nothing illegal about that meeting," Stone told James Miller of The Political Insider.

According to Roger Stone, who got this information from his ass what he says is "excellent sourcing."

"[P]ut more precisely, the only thing illegal about that meeting was how the woman got in the country, how she got a visa from the Obama State Department, and why she was meeting with an official from Fusion GPS before and after the Trump Tower meeting."

Yeah, OK, we'll let Robert Mueller determine whether Junior's Day Of Russian Trump Tower Treason constitutes a metric fuckton of crimes. Sorry, we know Roger Stone is a legal expert and everything, but pretty much the only people who think CONSPIRACY WITH A HOSTILE FOREIGN POWER FOR THE STATED PURPOSE OF GETTING STOLEN DIRT ON YOUR POLITICAL OPPONENTS is totally fine are people like Stone and Rudy Giuliani and Alan Dershowitz and Donald Trump. These are not people with good brains.

Of course, it sure does sound pretty criminal, especially when you consider how literally everybody involved with the meeting has been lying about it since day one, and how Trump's tweets about it sure do sound like confessions!

To answer Stone's very stupid question, though, "the woman" (Natalia Veselnitskaya, the Russian lawyer offering Junior all the stolen treason dirt on Hillary Clinton) was meeting with Fusion GPS people (not the ones doing the Trump investigation) because she was fighting a Magnitsky Act lawsuit in court, and the American law firm working on the case had retained Fusion GPS to do oppo research. We know it's very confusing for people like Roger Stone, but sometimes private intelligence firms have more than one client at a time. They are like law firms and Denny's in that regard.

Anyway, we hate answering stupid questions for Roger Stone.

Point is, we might get some damn indictments this week, so send that up your prayer chain, OK?

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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