Roy Moore Sues To Keep Little Thing Like 'Alabama Voters' From Stealing Election From Him

E Plebnista, Y'all!

Late Wednesday, the night before the scheduled certification of the vote in Alabama's special election for the US Senate, Roy Moore filed a complaint in a circuit court asking for an injunction to block the vote from being certified, and calling for a new election. The complaint asserts there was so much "systematic voter fraud" in the December 12 race that the real results are simply not known, although out here in reality-land it sure looks like Doug Jones beat Moore by 21,000 votes statewide.

Moore's lawyers say that if the election is certified today, poor Roy would “suffer irreparable harm” and be “denied his full right as a candidate to a fair election.” They did not, however, acknowledge that he is a triggered snowflake who needs a safe space. In a statement, Moore said, "This is not a Republican or Democrat issue as election integrity should matter to everyone," which you can reliably translate as "this is definitely a partisan issue because Alabama does not elect no Democrats."

Alabama's attorney general, John Merrill, a Republican who's no fan of making voting too easy, because that would be disrespectful to Martin Luther King, said he intends to go ahead with the meeting to certify the election outcome, lawsuit or no:

It is not going to delay certification and Doug Jones will be certified [Thursday] at 1 p.m. and he will be sworn in by Vice President Pence on the third of January.

Presumably, he also stage-whispered, Look Roy, we tried to suppress the black vote as much as we could, but it didn't work, now stop runnin' your fool mouth before we all get in trouble.

The complaint throws as much crap at the wall as the lawyers could come up with, hoping it will stick. The central argument relies on statistical analyses by several "voter fraud experts" who claim that Moore definitely should have gotten more votes, based on a comparison with straight-line Republican votes in the election. Clearly, it's UNPOSSIBLE that many Republicans could have decided they just couldn't bring themselves to hold their nose and vote for an alleged kid-botherer, even one endorsed by Trump! The experts also allege that voter turnout in some Jefferson County precincts was suspiciously high, which we'll assume was their way of saying that there were more black people showing up at the polls than there should have been, for some reason.

Some of the "fraud" assertions are downright laughable, like this insistence that some guy who didn't express himself very clearly had copped to vast out-of-state voting on live TV:

So Moore is complaining that Merrill investigated the guy and (presumably, since Merrill didn't announce he'd uncovered a vote-fraud ring) determined that he'd simply gotten his words mixed up. But wait, what about the fellowship? Why didn't Merrill investigate the fellowship, huh? And why didn't Merrill release the guy's name so he could be doxxed by all the crazies on Twitter?

But that's not all: Roy Moore would also like everyone to know that he never molested or even dated no little girls, and he's got the absolute proof right here: He passed a polygraph test, so there.

No, Moore's attorneys do not indicate what that has to do with voter fraud, but we'll just assume their goal isn't to really convince a judge, but to make as much noise about how poor Roy was cheated and hope people will care.

Hell, another of their "exhibits" is a Breitbart article claiming Alabama voters were widely intimidated by YouTube ads run by an outfit that received funding from a Democratic-related super PAC. The ads made the inaccurate claim that "your vote is public record" -- which is only half-true (your voting or not is definitely public; for whom you voted is obviously not). But YouTube pulled the ads after Merrill complained -- "belatedly," according to the complaint. There's also a not terribly convincing affidavit from one (1) poll worker who said she saw lots of out-of-state drivers' licenses being accepted as voter ID, and she complained to other poll workers, but they blew her off. Somehow, the Moore campaign's lawyers couldn't scare up any more poll workers to back that up.

Yr Wonkette Is Not A Lawyer, but this complaint looks incredibly unpersuasive to us. Roy Moore couldn't have lost, because he should have gotten more votes, according to numbers we pulled out of our asses. Also, polygraph tests, and we heard maybe the Democrats were busing in blacks from other states to vote, you just know they'd do that. At least now we know what Moore was doing with whatever money he raised for his "electoral integrity fund."

Roy Moore Complaint by KentFaulk on Scribd

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[NYT / Politico / Roy Moore Complaint via]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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