UPDATE: Fucking NBC fucked up. Michael Cohen's phones did not get "wire tapps," they got "pen registers," which are easier to get than "wire tapps." The rest of this post, about how Rudy Giuliani is a fucking moron, still applies.

Once upon a time Rudy Giuliani was a good lawyer, but then he joined Donald Trump's legal team and everybody in the world realized the "good lawyer" thing was a juvenile fairy tale meant to entertain children and people named Rudy Giuliani, THE END.

So, the fallout continues from Giuliani's NIGHT OF HANNITY HORRORS and the subsequent news that the FBI put "wire tapps" "PEN REGISTERS!" in Michael Cohen's bottom, like he's a common criminal, which he obviously is. All actual legal experts know that if a judge approved these "wire tapps," then DOJ/FBI had to prove they had significant evidence of major ongoing crimes, and that they had little chance of acquiring the evidence they needed through less intrusive means. (Long-ass Renato Mariotti thread RIGHT HERE, Y'ALL.) Stupid-ass fuckers like Alan Dershowitz, on the other hand, are on the TV saying everything is OUTTA HAND and that the feds obviously are just getting "wire tapps" for no reason now! To which actual lawyer Joyce Vance responded:

But let's not get distracted by how Alan Dershowitz's head bought foreclosed real estate inside his butt years ago, and instead focus on the shit coming out of Giuliani's shitmouth right now!

Rudolph The Shit-Nosed Baldhead gave a SEX-CLUSIVE interview to The Hill, where he dropped these gems on us about the Cohen wiretapping:

“I am waiting for the Attorney General to step in, in his role as defender of justice, and put these people under investigation,” Giuliani said, reacting to an NBC News report that phones belonging to Cohen, President Trump’s longtime personal attorney, had been tapped by investigators.

HENGGGGGH? Did we not just say things like this go through BIGLY scrutiny, and that if it was approved, there was a damn good reason? Besides, Attorney General Elfin Magic hasn't really said whether or not he's actually recused from the Michael Cohen thing in the Southern District of New York (SDNY), so he might have been dialed in on this. (Though the fucker SHOULD be recused, according to the rules of HIS OWN RECUSAL.)

Regardless, love to see the president's lead lawyer encouraging obstruction of justice for the umpteenth time in the past 24 hours. It's just super!

But that's good, Rudy, you just take that chicken back to the Oval and take turns fucking it with your buddy Trump.

When [he talks to Trump], Giuliani predicted, “He is going to say to me, ‘Isn’t there an attorney-client privilege?’ And I am going to tell him, ‘No, the Department of Justice seems to want to trample all over the Constitution of the United States.’ ”

Rudy Giuliani is going to tell Trump that because APPARENTLY Rudy Giuliani has no clue that attorney-client privilege doesn't ACTUALLY apply just because one of the criminal co-conspirators in a criminal conspiracy happens to have graduated from Cooley Law School, which is the opposite of America's Best Law School. Giuliani HIS OWN SELF said on Hannity -- just last night!! -- that Cohen hasn't been doing any real "legal work" for Trump.

So try again, you dumb shit-sniffle!

Giuliani added sarcastically, “And they don’t even notify us? I mean, he’s only the president of the United States.”

You know how the FBI is, when it's about to do a wiretap (OR EVEN A PEN REGISTER!): "Hey y'all, we're gonna do this wiretap at 9:00 AM sharp, so make sure to sext all your friends about it before that, because that is just longstanding DOJ policy! Oh yeah, and call the president! He loves to hear about WIRE TAPPS!"

For Christ's sake.

OK, we're about at our wit's end with Rudy Giuliani's trifling shit, so let's just have an open thread and tell the rest of this day to fuck off. You ready? GO!

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[The Hill]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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