Let's check in with Rudy Giuliani and see what sorts of small children and house pets he's frightening today.

From yesterday's edition of "Honey, I Shit The Couch," AKA "Fox & Friends":

Giuliani fires back at Hillary Clinton's remarks on Mueller probe

How this ever got started in the first place is the next investigation. And Ms. Clinton better get a lawyer.

When he says "how this ever got started," he's talking about the investigation into Russian election interference, specifically the part about why the FBI started an investigation into whether Trump or his associates were coordinating with Russia's attempts to steal the election for Trump. (Which is stupid, because WE ALREADY KNOW HOW. George Papadopoulos was cavorting with unsavory characters overseas, got some intel from a guy who knew a ton of Russians close to the Kremlin who told him Russia had Hillary's emails and was going to use them to ratfuck the election, and proceeded to drunkenly spill that information all over an Australian diplomat, who notified his government, which notified our government, etc. BUT REPUBLICANS HAVE SUSPICIONS.)

When Giuliani says "Ms. Clinton better get a lawyer," that is a very stupid thing to say because she already has a lawyer. Jesus, she is Hillary Clinton, she carries the best lawyers in the country around in her purse. They are next to the hot sauce.

Anything else, Roodles?

There used to be a DOJ standing policy you cannot indict a Clinton no matter how much they obstruct justice, no matter how much evidence they destroy and how often they lie and no matter that they committed perjury.

Haha, Republicans have been mentally ill since the 1990s and they actually believe this stuff. This is why so many of us don't go home for the holidays anymore. WOMP WOMP.

If you hate yourself and have nothing pressing on your to-do list, Roodles said much more to the "Fox & Friends" morons, which you can watch in the clip above.

Giuliani, of course, has been making the rounds ever since the redacted and incomplete Mueller Report was released by Attorney General GopherMouth McCoverUp, declaring victory for Trump for all Fox News viewers who will definitely get around to reading it for themselves as soon as "Wheel Of Fortune" is over. The report shows conclusively (without Mueller actually making an official determination) that Donald Trump criminally obstructed justice approximately ONE-THOUSAND ELEVENTY times, in order to fuck with the lawful investigation into whether he or his campaign illegally conspired with Russia to steal the election. And though Mueller "did not establish" a specific criminal conspiracy he could indict, he found ONE-THOUSAND ELEVENTY gross and weird and likely compromising connections between Trump people and Russians, he found the Trump campaign had foreknowledge of the WikiLeaks email releases and planned campaign strategy around them, and he found that Paul Manafort the entire time was passing internal Trump polling to a Russian spy to give to a Russian oligarch, and we don't know exactly why because Manafort lied and because he concealed and destroyed evidence, HEY RUDY GIULIANI, WHAT WERE YOU SAYING ABOUT HILLARY CLINTON AGAIN?

Oh yeah, and he found that Russia engaged in a "sweeping and systematic" operation to help steal the election, for Donald Trump. Period, full-stop. So there's that.

Of course, Giuliani is on message with this, even if it's a particularly senile version of the message that sounds like the bleating of a goat with STDs. Just look at these screengrabs from Hannity last night:


Who could have ever imagined that Fox News and the GOP would try to distract from the truly grotesque conclusions of the Mueller Report by screaming BUT HILLARY! And it will only get worse now that she's penned an op-ed in the Washington Post on how America should respond to the Mueller Report.

Hey, Rudy, what did you think about Hillary's op-ed? Oh, you thought HILLARY'S URANIUM, a conspiracy theory that's been debunked by Fox News? Please refer to what we've been saying about goat STDs.

Like we said, they're all on message. Hillary paid for the DIRTY DODGY DOSSIER written by British spy Christopher Steele, and the FBI started a fake news deep state witch hunt investigation solely based on it, because Hillary Clinton is the shadow CEO of the FBI, it is just so obvious.

And, disturbingly, Natasha Bertrand reported last week that the forthcoming report from Michael Horowitz, the IG of the Justice Department, is likely to focus on the FBI's reliance on Steele and his dossier to, among other things, procure FISA warrants on Carter Page, and on Steele's reliability as a source in general. That's funny, because we didn't realize Horowitz was that much of a hack.

Did we say something is "disturbing"? How about this?

Even Bob Woodward, who should fucking know better but occasionally sounds like a common Rudy Giuliani these days, has said it's just disgraceful the way the CIA used the FAKE HILLARY DOSSIER to start the investigation, which ISN'T. WHAT. FUCKING. HAPPENED. BOB.

It's scary that this madness is seeping into the mainstream, even if it's only a little bit.

It's not that they don't know what really happened in 2016. The truth slips out occasionally, even on Fox News:

But cool, whatever. Hillary will get a lawyer, because LOCK HER UP, and out here in the real world, we'll just keep uncovering the truth about the shitmouthed criminal Russia helped install in the White House.

The next 12 months are going to be awesome.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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