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Let's check in with Rudy Giuliani and see what sorts of small children and house pets he's frightening today.

From yesterday's edition of "Honey, I Shit The Couch," AKA "Fox & Friends":

Giuliani fires back at Hillary Clinton's remarks on Mueller probe www.youtube.com

How this ever got started in the first place is the next investigation. And Ms. Clinton better get a lawyer.

When he says "how this ever got started," he's talking about the investigation into Russian election interference, specifically the part about why the FBI started an investigation into whether Trump or his associates were coordinating with Russia's attempts to steal the election for Trump. (Which is stupid, because WE ALREADY KNOW HOW. George Papadopoulos was cavorting with unsavory characters overseas, got some intel from a guy who knew a ton of Russians close to the Kremlin who told him Russia had Hillary's emails and was going to use them to ratfuck the election, and proceeded to drunkenly spill that information all over an Australian diplomat, who notified his government, which notified our government, etc. BUT REPUBLICANS HAVE SUSPICIONS.)

When Giuliani says "Ms. Clinton better get a lawyer," that is a very stupid thing to say because she already has a lawyer. Jesus, she is Hillary Clinton, she carries the best lawyers in the country around in her purse. They are next to the hot sauce.

Anything else, Roodles?


There used to be a DOJ standing policy you cannot indict a Clinton no matter how much they obstruct justice, no matter how much evidence they destroy and how often they lie and no matter that they committed perjury.

Haha, Republicans have been mentally ill since the 1990s and they actually believe this stuff. This is why so many of us don't go home for the holidays anymore. WOMP WOMP.

If you hate yourself and have nothing pressing on your to-do list, Roodles said much more to the "Fox & Friends" morons, which you can watch in the clip above.

Giuliani, of course, has been making the rounds ever since the redacted and incomplete Mueller Report was released by Attorney General GopherMouth McCoverUp, declaring victory for Trump for all Fox News viewers who will definitely get around to reading it for themselves as soon as "Wheel Of Fortune" is over. The report shows conclusively (without Mueller actually making an official determination) that Donald Trump criminally obstructed justice approximately ONE-THOUSAND ELEVENTY times, in order to fuck with the lawful investigation into whether he or his campaign illegally conspired with Russia to steal the election. And though Mueller "did not establish" a specific criminal conspiracy he could indict, he found ONE-THOUSAND ELEVENTY gross and weird and likely compromising connections between Trump people and Russians, he found the Trump campaign had foreknowledge of the WikiLeaks email releases and planned campaign strategy around them, and he found that Paul Manafort the entire time was passing internal Trump polling to a Russian spy to give to a Russian oligarch, and we don't know exactly why because Manafort lied and because he concealed and destroyed evidence, HEY RUDY GIULIANI, WHAT WERE YOU SAYING ABOUT HILLARY CLINTON AGAIN?

Oh yeah, and he found that Russia engaged in a "sweeping and systematic" operation to help steal the election, for Donald Trump. Period, full-stop. So there's that.

Of course, Giuliani is on message with this, even if it's a particularly senile version of the message that sounds like the bleating of a goat with STDs. Just look at these screengrabs from Hannity last night:

Yeeeeeeeeeah.

Who could have ever imagined that Fox News and the GOP would try to distract from the truly grotesque conclusions of the Mueller Report by screaming BUT HILLARY! And it will only get worse now that she's penned an op-ed in the Washington Post on how America should respond to the Mueller Report.

Hey, Rudy, what did you think about Hillary's op-ed? Oh, you thought HILLARY'S URANIUM, a conspiracy theory that's been debunked by Fox News? Please refer to what we've been saying about goat STDs.

Like we said, they're all on message. Hillary paid for the DIRTY DODGY DOSSIER written by British spy Christopher Steele, and the FBI started a fake news deep state witch hunt investigation solely based on it, because Hillary Clinton is the shadow CEO of the FBI, it is just so obvious.

And, disturbingly, Natasha Bertrand reported last week that the forthcoming report from Michael Horowitz, the IG of the Justice Department, is likely to focus on the FBI's reliance on Steele and his dossier to, among other things, procure FISA warrants on Carter Page, and on Steele's reliability as a source in general. That's funny, because we didn't realize Horowitz was that much of a hack.

Did we say something is "disturbing"? How about this?

Even Bob Woodward, who should fucking know better but occasionally sounds like a common Rudy Giuliani these days, has said it's just disgraceful the way the CIA used the FAKE HILLARY DOSSIER to start the investigation, which ISN'T. WHAT. FUCKING. HAPPENED. BOB.

It's scary that this madness is seeping into the mainstream, even if it's only a little bit.

It's not that they don't know what really happened in 2016. The truth slips out occasionally, even on Fox News:

But cool, whatever. Hillary will get a lawyer, because LOCK HER UP, and out here in the real world, we'll just keep uncovering the truth about the shitmouthed criminal Russia helped install in the White House.

The next 12 months are going to be awesome.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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