Rumsfeld Presser Live Blogging

In which the Defense Department refuses to apologize for Marines who love to shoot people.

2:31 "Perhaps there's something going on behind that curtain that we don't know about," says CNN, as they cut for the 510th time to empty pressroom. Bow chicka mow mow.... I got your chief joint right here!

2:32 Rumsfeld is looking breathless and kind of pissy. His suit's all baggy in the shoulders.

2:33 Dude. Is Rummy a chainsmoker? What gives? Talking points: Liberation. Hopeful for future. A "tipping" of support. Someone call Malcolm Gladwell!

2:34 We still don't know why he's talking really. He's gasping. If he called me on the phone, I'd think he was touching himself. Weird. Maybe Rummy doesn't have healthcare either.

2:35. Ah. It's the "lowering expectations" presser. Iraq and Afghanistan: "These will *one day* be seen as historic victories." And really, you should be happy we're not all dead right now.

Addresses parents and family of dead soldiers. Really it was worth it. PS, sorry about the autopen. Next time he'll send a telegram.

He hands it over to General Pace, Joint Chiefs Vice-Chair, who is fairly snacky. He has so many shiny things on his jacket, he looks like Adam Ant. Short version of Pace's speech: "Thanks for your [blood] sacrifice." I am Quetzelcoatl!

2:39 Q&A! Fun! Apparently, Iraqi security forces don't come out of a pipeline. They're not sea monkies. Yes, General Mattis said "it's fun to shoot some people." Pace: I wasn't there, so I can't address it. Huh? Also, he's a good soldier. He kills real good. May we offer some advice to the Defense Department? Just say "Yes, he shouldn't have said that." THE END.

2:43 "Anyone who raised their hand got shot" for 35 years in Iraq. Also? They weren't allowed to show and talk about their feeeeelings.

Ooh, Rummy has visual aids. 136,000 iraqi security forces. formed "rings" around 5000 polling places. And now everyone wants to be in the security forces! We all want guns! It's just like South Central.

2:49 Ooh, my tacos are here! Rumsfeld whips out chart: We started at 0... and then it goes up from there! And if I turn it upside down, it goes the other way!

2:50 Hilarious: the Germans think Rummie's a war criminal.

2:51 The hunt for al-Zarqawi. "Just like we did Saddam Hussein," says Pace. Strangely Pace doesn't know when he'll be captured. And here I thought it was all planned in advance.

2:55 Keeps distinguishing between "us" and "the coalition." Cute!

2:57 FACTS ARE FACTS! I SPENT AN HOUR GOING OVER THESE FIGURES, says Rummy. Uh.. okay! Sheesh, dude.

3:00 Rummy packs up his manpurse and goes off to a stress relief class, we hope. Or Nicotine Anonymous. Something. A spa maybe?


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