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Run Really Fast and Win a Rifle At Georgia Race

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The local police department and a Presbyterian church in Pooler, Georgia, are never-forgetting September 11 this year by co-hosting thePooler 5K, a race and "Family Fun Mile Run" to benefit the Warriors in Transition unit of injured soldiers at the nearby Ft. Stewart army post. The runner with the fastest time wins a Daniel Defense M4 rifle -- which, according to the gun's official web page, is "built to redefine the benchmark in small arms performance" and offers "out of the box tactical supremacy." And it's made in the USA!


Click here to watch a short film in which Earnest McRifles, a very serious actor dressed in a Daniel Defense-branded polo shirt and sunglasses, shoots off his M4 and talks about its features in some sort of fancy firearm lingo-speak. There is also a scene in which a soldier wanders around with his M4 looking for The Enemy or whatever, which suggests that this model comes in handy whenever you're fending for yourself in some dangerous war zone area (the mall parking lot).

It's also a good gun to take to celebrations, apparently. "We need this for parties out here," a lady wrote on the race's Facebook page. She must be really mad at those people who only ever bring chips and salsa to potlucks.

The winner has to be at least 18 years old and pass all the feds' laws to actually git the gun. The top three winners in each age group get trophies, which is lame. But still not as lame as having to actually get up off your ass and burn calories for your gun in the first place. In other American towns, all you have to do to win a gun is shoot a target or donate some money or get a haircut. [Pooler 5K web page/Daniel Defense web page/Pooler 5K Facebook page]

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If there is one thing that decrepit "rocker" Ted Nugent hates, it is gun-free zones. Over the years, he has insisted that they are very dangerous and pretty much the number one cause of mass shootings. They caused Columbine and mean "more body bags" and "more crime" and even "workplace violence"! They are "killing fields"! THEY ARE ALL THE BAD THINGS!

You see where we're going with this right?

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Oh hey, Maria Butina the Russian spy lady, you are still in jail!

Butina, who was arrested Sunday for being a Russian spy who infiltrated the NRA in order to infiltrate the GOP for her motherland, is supposed to appear in court this afternoon, and in advance of that, prosecutors have filed a really fun motion listing all the reasons Butina should be required to STAY IN JAIL until her trial, at which point she will be found guilty as a common Paul Manafort and have to go to so much more jail. In short, it is because she is a major flight risk, but the document is a much better read than that, and it has boning. Shall we give it a look?

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