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Nervous about hisdeclining ratings at his terrible radio show, mouthy maggot sack Rush Limbaugh will not lose the chance to squeeze a few dollars from the shrinking Social Security checks of the tea party patriots out there who will buy anything with an American flag and a fat white man on the label. So here is Real America's disgusting new Rush Limbaugh iced tea product, "Two If By Tea," a clever name that took the same -1.6 seconds of thought that Rush puts into all his words. For the last $23.76 you have in the world (and only that), Rush will send you a case of iced tea maimed with the image of his outsized ego. These bottles that he encourages you not to recycle will cost you actual money, unlike those government-issued lattes the socialists are drinking.


The product website is filled with rollover icons providing history lessons about the American Founding copy-pasted from Wikipedia pages about the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence. Wikipedia is for LIBRULS, however, so no one is required to read those. Tea Party rules require you to ask Sarah Palin to write any American history on your websites, in Tea Party language (Martian). Why is Rush talking about American history so much? Is that for sale also, on this website?

Rush also tells readers why he wants to sell the most literal tie-in product any greedy opportunist ever wasted two seconds dreaming up, and yet in typical fashion, the way in which he tells it is guaranteed to haunt everyone's nightmares:

On Rush and Kathryn’s wedding night, Kathryn said to him – “Rush, why don’t you put your mug on a tea beverage dressed up in colonial costume including a wig with a bow and a tricorn hat, riding a frightened-horse, holding a bottle of tea with an American flag on it?”  As she was pouring over historical poems and references in her galloping mind, Kathryn said, “We should call it Two If By Tea™!”  Rush said, “Ok!”

This is what Tea Party Americans like Rush discuss on their wedding nights, their cross-dressing fetish role-play fantasies involving terrified animals and flag poles and capitalism. There is some part of Rush Limbaugh that thinks sharing these grammatically bombed-out sentences will entice his readers to buy a dark brown bottled liquid with a picture of his sex fantasy on the front of it, which is why he loves America so much. [TwoIfByTea.com]

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It's the night before the two-night Democratic primary debate extravaganza, and we're already tired. Turns out having 20 candidates spread across two nights when only six or eight of them matter is not the must-see TV we all thought it was going to be! But that's not to dissuade you from getting excited! We're excited! We're so excited! We're so ...

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SCARED!

In case you need a reminder, here is how it's going to go down:

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Lately he's been blowing smoke from another orifice.

After a cursory examination of the TWELVE filings in the case against California Congressman Duncan Hunter just in the past 24 hours, we can confidently declare that that guy is a fucking idiot. The prosecutors have him by every last one of his short and curlies -- which is what happens when you use your campaign credit card to pay for hundreds of thousands of dollars of ski trips, video games, tuition, and plane tickets for the family rabbit.

A rational human being would have pleaded down a year ago and given up his congressional seat, since he could cash out and make a lot more money as a lobbyist anyway. But not Duncan Hunter! He made the federal government chase him down and document every last carton of cigarettes, round of tequila, and Uber ride of shame home from his many girlfriends' houses in a 60-count indictment filed last August. And still this dumb sumbitch refused to admit he was caught, even after his lovely wife (and co-conspirator) Margaret Hunter flipped on him this month -- which is what happens when you use your campaign credit card to carry on multiple affairs and you piss off the US Attorneys enough that they put every 7 a.m. Uber ride in your indictment.

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