Nervous about hisdeclining ratings at his terrible radio show, mouthy maggot sack Rush Limbaugh will not lose the chance to squeeze a few dollars from the shrinking Social Security checks of the tea party patriots out there who will buy anything with an American flag and a fat white man on the label. So here is Real America's disgusting new Rush Limbaugh iced tea product, "Two If By Tea," a clever name that took the same -1.6 seconds of thought that Rush puts into all his words. For the last $23.76 you have in the world (and only that), Rush will send you a case of iced tea maimed with the image of his outsized ego. These bottles that he encourages you not to recycle will cost you actual money, unlike those government-issued lattes the socialists are drinking.


The product website is filled with rollover icons providing history lessons about the American Founding copy-pasted from Wikipedia pages about the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence. Wikipedia is for LIBRULS, however, so no one is required to read those. Tea Party rules require you to ask Sarah Palin to write any American history on your websites, in Tea Party language (Martian). Why is Rush talking about American history so much? Is that for sale also, on this website?

Rush also tells readers why he wants to sell the most literal tie-in product any greedy opportunist ever wasted two seconds dreaming up, and yet in typical fashion, the way in which he tells it is guaranteed to haunt everyone's nightmares:

On Rush and Kathryn’s wedding night, Kathryn said to him – “Rush, why don’t you put your mug on a tea beverage dressed up in colonial costume including a wig with a bow and a tricorn hat, riding a frightened-horse, holding a bottle of tea with an American flag on it?”  As she was pouring over historical poems and references in her galloping mind, Kathryn said, “We should call it Two If By Tea™!”  Rush said, “Ok!”

This is what Tea Party Americans like Rush discuss on their wedding nights, their cross-dressing fetish role-play fantasies involving terrified animals and flag poles and capitalism. There is some part of Rush Limbaugh that thinks sharing these grammatically bombed-out sentences will entice his readers to buy a dark brown bottled liquid with a picture of his sex fantasy on the front of it, which is why he loves America so much. [TwoIfByTea.com]

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