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But on the plus side ...


Another mass shooting happened in America, because Wednesday, and while Donald Trump, like his fellow Republican presidential candidates, was at first reserved in his response -- "California shooting looks very bad," he tweeted, failing to offer the obligatory "thoughts and prayers" -- his thoughts evolved throughout the day, to the real focus of the horrific story: Team Trump.

While reports about the massacre have been chaotic, confusing, and just plain WRONG, we can report to you quite confidently that neither Trump nor anyone from his #team was involved in law enforcement's manhunt and ultimate shooting of the suspects.

By restless middle-of-the-night Trump tweeting o'clock, he had some new insights to share, from his adoring subliterate Twitter fans:

Far be it from us to question the veracity of @DLake66675's political analysis that there is any correlation with Trump's polling numbers and Americans being massacred, but if true, we'd modestly propose that's not something to be proud of. We also doubt it would bring comfort to the friends and families of victims -- of Wednesday's shooting, or last Friday's shooting, or the shooting before that, or the next shooting that is guaranteed to come. But at least some of his supporters believe Trump will protect them -- with his beautiful wall or the gun he claims to carry or maybe just his tough talk -- from the scary stuff.

Maybe it's Trump's promise to "bomb the shit out of ISIS" -- and take their oil! -- that makes his supporters feel safer. Or maybe it's his latest innovation in terrorist-fighting, unveiled Wednesday morning on Fox News, before the massacre in San Bernardino:

When you get these terrorists, you have to take out their families! They care about their lives, don’t kid yourselves. They say they don’t care about their lives. But you have to take out their families.

That's certainly one way to guarantee the families of terrorists (or, you know, brown people in general) do not become radicalized terrorists their own selves after Trump bombs the shit out of their loved ones: bomb the shit out of their grandma and toddlers too! While law enforcement is not declaring Wednesday's shooting a terrorist attack, perhaps we ought to wipe out the mother of one of the shooters, Syed Farook, since we have her address. Take out his brother-in-law too, just to be safe. Or maybe we should bomb families first, to send terrorists a message that they'd better not even think of doing any terrorism under President Trump's watch, mister, or another kid sister's gonna get it.

If you were wondering if Trump has called for the killing of the family members of Americans who carried out mass murders in America -- like white supremacist Charleston shooter Dylann Roof, for example, or Robert L. Dear, charged with killing three people at a Colorado Planned Parenthood -- well, we won't insult your intelligence by bothering to answer that rhetorical question.

We also won't waste our pixelated breaths asking if Trump seemingly crowing about how the murder of 14 people will at least give him a bump in the polls -- he's quite fond of bragging about his poll numbers, you know -- suggests Trump has no sense of decency, sir. We believe that question has long ago been asked and answered.

[Mediaite]

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Is there really a Blue Wave coming? Dunno! But hey, check out these polls!

(Yes, we know we got burned in 2016. And yes, we know polls this far out are no guarantee. What, you want another depressing story about baby jails? DIDN'T THINK SO. So come read these nice polls right now!)

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Let's take a break from the awful terrible news for a moment and check in with Donald Trump Jr. and his unfortunate face. As you may remember, Junior and his wife Vanessa are getting divorced, probably because Vanessa Trump is tired of waking up from nightmares about being married to a guy with that face and immediately seeing him sleeping next to her in bed with that face just leaving imprints on their nice luxury pillows. And the divorce has apparently been getting DIRTY, because "somebody" has been leaking stories to the New York Post about how Vanessa Trump used to write love letters to her MS-13 boyfriend in jail and Vanessa Trump used to date 9/11 and Vanessa Trump doesn't need any Trump money because she is swimming in Marinara Buck$, and so on and so forth. Who is whispering these Vanessa Trump Secrets in the New York Post's ear? Definitely not Junior!

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