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Hey Wonkers, happy Fourth of July weekend and shit! Do you need a nap? We sure do! Let's all snuggle dressed like burritos after we read this post, like Wonkette baby, pictured above. (Did you SEE Editrix's baby pictures post this morning? If you didn't, you should go look at it!)


So, it's almost time for us to count down the week's top stories, but first we need to ask you a very important question: GIVE US ALL YOUR MONEY, RIGHT NOW. Okay, fair enough, that was not a question. But will you give us money, BECAUSE AMERICA? "But Wonkette isn't America," you might be incorrectly thinking. But it's true, we are indeed America, and you should help us be America MORE, by  throwing us $5. Wonkette costs less than a value meal at Taco Bell, and we have fewer standards! Loving us is a BARGAIN.

Okay, now that's out of the way, here are your top ten posts of the week, as chosen by science. If you've already read them, read them again!

1. You guys, Sarah Palin's grifting empire appears to be in jeopardy. She's been canned from Fox News, there's a new baby grifter Palin in Bristol's oven, and things just aren't looking sunny. Oh well. Fuck them. (Also, stay tuned for this week's Fartknocker Report, which IS HAPPENING, just not during the weekend because we are On Holiday.)

2. Remember that wingnut Texas attorney general what had a big tantrum over gay marriage? He might get to go to jail forever, because HAHAHAHAHAH.

3. That GoFundMe shit is really getting out of hand when the Charleston shooter's sister gets one. It's now gone, but Jesus.

4. Pregnant Bristol Palin is really fucking pissed off at you right now.

5. These Girl Scouts in Washington state will get along JUST FINE without donations from transgender-hating bigots, thank you VERY much.

6. Texas and other wingnut states were very much aggrieved over the Supreme Court's gay marriage decision, so they all seceded from the nation. BYE Y'ALL!

7. Barack Obama had a terrible, horrible, badass, balls out rager of a week, and yr Wonkette liveblogged it!

8. Here's a fucked up story, about a lady in the process of a miscarriage not getting the treatment she needed from a Catholic hospital, because (duh) abortion.

9. Some wingnuts are certain that the White House's gay rainbow display was an open invitation for terrorists to murder America.

10. And finally, making its second appearance in the Top Ten, here is Wonkette's loving pregnancy announcement for Bristol Palin, abstinence warrior, who has never done sex with a man.

WHAT A WEEK!

Remember, we are also at your service on the Facebooks, the Twitters, and the Tumblrs! Wonkette is all the places, and all the places are Wonkette!

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Oh, and you should sign up for the Wonkette newsletter, so that you can get a secret gay love note from your Wonkette every day! (Mostly.)

OH, and did you know you can buy sexy Wonkette apparel in the Wonkette online swag emporium? Yes you can! There are t-shirts and coffee cups, the Bernie Sanders t-shirt right below this paragraph, and even PANTIES WITH TEETH. Editrix Rebecca would like to reassure everyone that, even though she has taken her maternity leave, she is still ready and willing to send you all of the things you decide to buy.

Again, your Wonkette loves you very much! If you missed your opportunity above, don’t even worry about doing hard stuff like scrolling up. You can just click THIS link and give us $5. Or you can give us more. We are not opposed to that!

Okay, now we are very tired and are going to go spend the rest of Sunday watching some ladies play soccer real good-like. See you Monday!

 

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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