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Sarah Palin: The Presidential TeeVee Candidate America Deserves

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  • Sarah Palin took a five minute break from her pre-scripted reality teevee existence to go on a different teevee show, so that she could tell Barbara Walters that it would be so easy for her to "defeat Barack Obama." And then Barbara Walters probably had to ask, "Really? In a presidential election? I'm not talking about teevee ratings, you fucking idiot." (Barbara Walters is old and doesn't realize how similar "teevee ratings" and "running for president" actually are.) Everybody is so surprised that Sarah Palin would consider quitting her Alaskan teevee show to run for president, because "quitting" is not a word Sarah Palin uses, on Twitter. Perhaps even more surprising is that Sarah Palin would abandon her simple, snowbilly lifestyle so that she could drag her family around the United States and smile and wave at mobs of flag-waving, scooter-powered vegetables. (Ha ha, if Sarah Palin actually believed that true happiness is "kayaking with feral Grizzly bears on a melting Alaskan ice glacier," she wouldn't have Hollywood camera people following her around, fawning over her and her dumb family.) Lisa Murkowski recently pointed out that Sarah Palin lacks "intellectual curiosity," which is exactly why Palin should be our next president: Americans know that their Time is long over. Now we just want to hide in our condos, and experience a National Reality Teevee Fantasy in which we are Exceptional and can robot-bomb whomever we wish. If it's good Television, it's good for America. Good morning! [The Caucus]
  • Barack Obama is awarding George H. W. Bush the Medal of Freedom, the end. [The Caucus]


  • Experts agree: Murkowski wins! Even Dipshit Magoo Fred Thompson says that Joe Miller should stop being such a stubborn whineocerous and just concede already. He won't, of course. [CNN]

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This weekend, hundreds of people are gathering in Denver, Colorado for the 2018 Flat Earth Conference -- two whole days of people with suspiciously Andy Warhol-like hair yelling "Where's the curve?!?" and talking about ice walls -- and we are missing out! Flat earthers are kind of the best of all conspiracy theorists, because aside from a few fascists and anti-Semites in the mix, they are mostly harmless cranks who just want to feel like they are way smarter than all of the scientists. As far as I know, believing in a Flat Earth, while stupid, has never hurt anyone -- which is honestly kind of refreshing these days!

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Every so often on this here internet, we get a hate read that is so perfect, that so aptly encapsulates a particular form of douchebaggery that we all must collectively gasp at it's awfulness and revel in the general repulsiveness of the arrogant human being so lacking in self-awareness that they actually thought it would be a good idea to write such a thing. Today, I bring you such a hate read -- Matthew Binder's A Glimpse Into the Ideological Monoculture of Literary New York.

And yes, it's actually worse than it sounds, if that is possible.

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