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No, she is never ever ever leaving. Who would pay for her wigs? Sarah Palin had a busy weekend, going to Las Vegas to eye-fuc this dude, Congressional Medal of Honor winner Dakota Meyers, while holding a sign telling lefty troll Michael Moore to fuc himself right in the surveyor's marks. (His anus.)


Then she went to Iowa to do sexplay with all the wingnuts at "Congressman Steve King's Freedom Summit" and tickle their balls and yell Obummer eats dog jokes and not apologize for swearing like a soldier because Sarah Palin is classy as fuc. (But YOU are not being classy, I hear you mumbling -- it is sort of a Woody Allenish mumbleshriek -- because you are M. Joseph Sheppard, probably, and if you can't figure out the difference between a vulgar blogger -- us -- and the onetime vice presidential nominee of one of our two major parties, well, you are M. Joseph Sheppard, probably!)

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How did Sister Sarah address her telling a US American citizen (still! really!) to fuc himself? Let's go to the tape (CSpan's transcript of Palin's Iowa "address," spotted by Wonkette emeritrix Ana Marie Cox):

AT THIS PARTY, IT SEEMS THAT WE ARE ALWAYS GOING ROGUE, SOMETHING ALWAYS HAPPENS. WE’RE AT THE PRIORITY — WE ARE SIGNING BOOKS. IN THE BACK THIS YOUNG, VERY ENERGETIC, VERY BOLD YOUNG VETERAN HOLDS UP A SIGN, AND IT WAS A FOUR LETTER MESSAGE TO MICHAEL MOORE. I CALL HIM UP FRONT. HE IS HOLDING THE POSTER. I AM LOOKING AT IT. HE SHOWS IT TO ME. PICTURES STARTED SNAPPING. I’M GIVING THE POSTER THE OLD THUMBS UP. IT WAS MY THUMB, NOT ANY OTHER FINGER.

[LAUGHTER] THAT POSTER THOUGH, YOU HAVE HEARD THE TERM SWEAR LIKE A SAILOR. I THINK THIS GUY WAS A SOLDIER. SAME THING. SOMEONE SNAPS THAT PHOTO AND WE HAVE TAKEN A LOT OF HEAT OVER THE LAST TWO DAYS FOR BEING SING WITH IT. IT IS A MESSAGE HE DESERVES.

[APPLAUSE] I WAS THINKING — I WAS THINKING WE WILL TAKE THAT HEAT. THAT IS OK. WHAT THE POSTER SAID IS WHAT THE REST OF US ARE THINKING. WHAT REALLY CAME DOWN TO WAS OUR MESSAGE TO THOSE WHO DON’T UNDERSTAND AGAIN THE OPPORTUNITY THEY HAVE TO DO WHATEVER THE HECK THEY WANT TO DO EVEN IF THEY ARE JERKS. IT IS OUR VETERANS, ARE ARE ACTIVE SERVICE MEMBERS WHO ARE PROTECTING THEIR RIGHT TO BE JERKS. IF YOU LOVE FREEDOM YOU THINK OF VETERANS. I’M GLAD TO BE IN IOWA BECAUSE I’M AMONGST FRIENDS WHO UNDERSTAND THAT FOUNDATIONAL ASPECT OF AMERICA.

Okay, that wasn't even that dumb, just standard conservative boiler plate about how our freedom belongs to the troops until the day they decide to surveyor mark Michael Moore, got it. What were the very next words she said, per the Span? Well, they made A LOT of sense:

WE APPRECIATE OUR VETERANS. OK. ONE OTHER CONNECTION TO IOWA. SOMEONE ELSE WHO ELSE FROM THE STATE, SPEAKING OF BRISTOL, MAYBE YOU HAVE SEEN HER IN THE NEWS RECENTLY. PHOTOS OF HERBERT POSTED. THEY WERE CANDID PHOTOS OF HER, JUST NOTHING ON BUT LEATHER. BEAUTIFUL LEATHER.

To be fair, which we ALWAYS ARE, she probably did not say "Herbert," Cspan transcribers. But she probably DID say this: "Someone else who else from the state, speaking of Bristol." Lol, you are blazed out of your head. Also, we did not see pictures of Bristol in nothing but leather? Dudes, what is the tipline even FOR?

Speaking of Bristol, we're not plastic-surgery-shaming -- HER BODY HER CHOICE FEMINIST STUFF HERE -- but girl you are looking like Kim Kardashian!

STOP STEALING PEOPLE'S FACES.

Sarah Palin's speech to the Iowa Steve King Constitutional Conservative Wingding and Hotdog Eating Contest can be seen here. You could watch it, and note for us the craziest shit in the comments! Or you could not, it's cool, we don't blame you, we're not either.

[ImmoralMinority / Ana Marie Cox's blog / Patheos]

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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