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SarahPAC Handing Out Princely Sums To Everyone (Except Nikki Haley)

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Hey, you guys, SarahPAC, remember that thing? The institutional arm by which our gal Sarah was going to extend her influence across the face of the Republican Party? Well, it's sure made somesweet YouTubes, but what else has the PAC done with the, let's see, $916,000 it received in the mail, in wadded-up $10 bills, soaked with tears and rage-spittle? And why are Sarah and Nikki Haley only BFFs in non-monetary ways?


Here are the large amounts of cash that Sarah has handed out to her Chosen Candidates:

  • Joe Miller, who is running against Lisa Murkowski in the Republican primary for Alaska Senate: $5,000. (Remember when Sarah beat Lisa's terrible corrupt old dad in the Republican gubernatorial primary in 2006? Ha, that was the only good thing she's ever done.)
  • Terry Branstad, a boring ex-Iowa governor who wants to be governor of Iowa again: $5,000. WOW WHAT A WEIRD BORING ESTABLISHMENT PICK WHY WOULD SARAH WANT TO HAVE ANY INFLUENCE OVER THE GOVERNOR OF THIS STATE?
  • Carly Fiorina, who is insanely wealthy and would use $2,500 to wipe her ass: $2,500.
  • Sharron Angle, who probably just robbed Sarah at gunpoint: $2,500.
  • Nikki Haley: $0, but she got support on Sarah Palin's Facebook page, which is more valuable than the finest silk from the Orient.
  • "Consulting fees for grassroots and communication, media, national and foreign affairs, and coalitions consulting": $210,000.
  • "Additional spending went toward air travel, car rentals and lodging, postage and mailings, and cell phones."

Anyone who has experience setting up PACs, please contact your editors in regards to the creation of WonkettePAC post haste. We will endorse only the most hilarious candidates and will spend no more than 45 percent of your donations on "air travel" (private jets), "car rentals" (awesome muscle cars that we will drag race down New York Avenue), "lodging" (hotels in Vegas), and "cell phones" (pagers for our drug-dealing sideline). [AP]

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Donald Trump's presidency has made white nationalism fashionable again. It doesn't help matters that social networking giant Facebook has offered white nationalists a global platform for their hate. Back in May, Motherboard obtained internal documents that revealed how Facebook planned to handle white supremacist content on its site after Charlottesville. It was incredibly stupid.

See, Facebook wouldn't let you post praise of white supremacy as an ideology or identify yourself as a "proud" white supremacist. It would allow you to post praise of white nationalism as an ideology or identify yourself as a "proud" white nationalist. All those tech bros and all those hoodies in the same place and they still couldn't muster the collective brain power to understand that white supremacy and white nationalism are synonymous, by which I mean the exact same thing but with a slightly different arrangement of letters.

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Is Brett Kavanaugh's Evil Twin The Real Attempted Rapist? Maaaaaybe!

Another Pulitzer for Kathleen Parker pls!

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Over this past week, we have heard some fascinating excuses for Brett Kavanaugh having allegedly attempted to rape Dr. Christine Blasey Ford when he was in high school. Hey, he didn't rape us, said some ladies who knew him. It could have just been horseplay, said his spokesperson Carrie Severino! He wasn't even there, said Orrin Hatch! It totally doesn't matter anyway because he has done enough good in his lifetime that he should get to sexually assault like, one lady, said Dennis Prager! Maybe it was a false memory and she hallucinated the whole thing, said the Dilbert guy!

So many possible options. But something was missing. We didn't know it, but we felt it in our bones. And then, today, Pulitzer Prize-winning writer Kathleen Parker dropped it in the Washington Post. What if it wasn't Brett Kavanaugh, she tells us all, very seriously, but rather his evil twin. Or someone who just looked a whole lot like him. Perhaps even this "Bart O'Kavanaugh" we have been hearing so much about.

Let's hear her out!

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