Satan’s Sister Laura Ingraham Pinkie Swears That COVID-19 Threat Is So Yesterday
If you're one of the 38 million newly unemployed, Laura Ingraham has good news for you: First, she's offering free overnight stays at her gingerbread vacation house, and even better the stock market is booming! She celebrated the rising markets during the Tuesday edition of her white power hour.
INGRAHAM: Today, the Dow jumped 500 points, almost closing above 25,000. Consumer confidence rising! Investors across the board are seeing light at the end of the tunnel.
That “light" is the entrance to the afterlife for more than 100,000 people who've died in three months. As she spoke, the chyron over the screen boasted “Markets Rise As Coronavirus Threat Declines." The COVID-19 threat hasn't “declined." That's a bare-assed lie.
Ingraham rattled off the names of states run by Republican governors — Texas, Georgia, South Carolina, Utah, Florida, Alabama, Mississippi — that had lifted COVID-19 restrictions. She applauded them for “getting back to normal," if by “normal," she means increased coronavirus infections and preventable deaths.
Ingraham: Those who bet against America www.youtube.com
INGRAHAM: And as for those blue-state governors who just won't accept “yes" for an answer? Well, don't believe for a second their fraudulent justifications that it's “all for your own safety." They always say that when they're taking away your constitutional rights!
This is apparently a generic, all-inclusive “they," as Democratic governors Gretchen Whitmer, Gavin Newsom, Andrew Cuomo, and Ralph Northam don't have much of a record denying citizens their rights. They're just listening to public health experts and their own constituents who don't support half-assed, unsafe reopenings of businesses and public spaces.
INGRAHAM: It's becoming more obvious by the day these power-hungry governors and radical mayors are endangering their states' futures and will eventually see their states left behind.
Yep, those liberal states are gonna be LEFT BEHIND! Why did they put their faith in science and technology? Now, as much as the Southerner in me would love to shout “neener neener!" in some Yankee state's face, if major states such as California, New York, and — I guess — Illinois collapse, isn't that also game over for most “red" states? Who would buy South Carolina's BMWs or whatever it is Alabama offers the nation?
Referencing a Washington Post article this weekend about a so-called “Great Assessment," Ingraham claimed that people are so “fed up with life in the Big Apple, they're relocating to places where they can actually have a decent standard of living." New Yorkers always talk about leaving New York but few escape. Only Woody Allen — a master of social distancing — will happily die there, never imagining a better life in a some secluded mountain town.
Ingraham contends that Democratic governors are going to run their states into the ground because of a liberal obsession with human life instead of human capital.
INGRAHAM: None of these lockdown liberals should get a penny more in bailout money so long as they continue this lockdown stuff. Because the longer they stay locked down and you have all these other onerous and unnecessary restrictions in place, the more difficult, the more expensive, and I'd say the more dangerous it becomes for their states — the longer any kind of recovery will be.
That's the current rightwing line. Controlling COVID-19's spread is actually more dangerous than spreading the virus freely over mimosas at brunch.
INGRAHAM: Given that we now know that the virus is a lot less deadly than originally thought
We know nothing of the sort. The death tolls are far beyond where the White House predicted just a month ago. Ingraham also doesn't comprehend or care that without social distancing and lockdowns, the country would look like the start of The Omega Man. At this point, Ingraham's own staff was trolling her because the images shown as she spoke were doctors and nurses in hazmat suits treating deathly ill people.
INGRAHAM: It's most dangerous to the confined elderly, there's no good reason to keep any part of the country completely closed.
COVID-19 is still a threat, you soulless hack.
Ingraham then busts out the QAnon conspiracy garbage.
INGRAHAM: Unless, that is, you don't want America to recover at least while Trump is president.
Almost 30,000 people have died in New York, 20,000 of those deaths were in New York City. The nation's death toll continues to rise, but Ingraham and other pit stains on humanity argue that Democratic governors are going too far closing hair salons and bowling alleys. She can't comprehend hard choices and personal sacrifice in the face of a shared struggle. No, it's all just an obscene leftist power grab. I'd feel sorry for her if she wasn't so repulsive.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).