We guess it's better than Melania.
Ivanka Trump, whose greatest single accomplishment is standing upright, went on a tour of the Mideast where she stared poignantly at random objects. She also took time out of her never busy schedule to give a speech Sunday to women entrepreneurs and regional leaders in Dubai. She praised such countries as Saudi Arabia and United Arab Emirates for their "significant reforms" in advancing women's rights. For instance, Saudi Arabia recently allowed women to get their own passports and leave the country without a male relative's permission, so ... yay!
Trump gave the keynote address at the two-day Global Women's Forum. She was qualified to do this because she is the president's daughter and a woman — often both at the same time!
TRUMP: I am delighted to be attending the Global Women's Forum Dubai to advance women's economic empowerment around the world and highlight the progress of the Women's Global Development and Prosperity Initiative. This initiative has impacted over 12 million women in its first year, well on its way towards our goal of economically empowering 50 million women by 2025.
The Women's Global Development and Prosperity Initiative is Trump's pet project. It's supposed to do great things for women while her father's administration works to roll back abortion rights. Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham and Democratic Sen. Jeanne Shaheen have teamed up to have Trump's initiative written into law. The proposed legislation would establish an Office of Women's Empowerment at the State Department and ensure something survives the Trump administration beyond the flaming dumpster fire of our democracy.
Sorry to interrupt your impeachment, but HOLY SHIT!
Cheeky bastards! Saudi Arabia's Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman (MBS) seems to have personally sent malware to Jeff Bezos's phone after the Washington Post, which Bezos owns, hired Saudi critic Jamal Khashoggi as a columnist. The Saudi government then stole all Bezos's data. Then, after Khashoggi was murdered by MBS's assassins provoking outrage at the Post, the crown prince texted Bezos a photo which strongly resembled the woman he was having an affair with. So it looks like Bezos was exactly right when he accused the National Enquirer of conspiring with the Saudi government to blackmail him with details of the affair. And if, as it would not be crazy to speculate, Mohammed bin Salman used Israeli malware to hack not just Jeff Bezos but Jared Kushner as well, then he will be responsible for the murder of Jamal Khashoggi and irony itself.
Got all that? No? Okay, let's unpack.
This morning, the UN Office of the High Commissioner for Human Rights issued a report on the Saudi hack of Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos's phone. Agnes Callamard, UN Special Rapporteur on summary executions and extrajudicial killings, and David Kaye, UN Special Rapporteur on freedom of expression, described "the possible involvement of the Crown Prince in surveillance of Mr. Bezos, in an effort to influence, if not silence, The Washington Post's reporting on Saudi Arabia." Which sounds somewhat speculative, but their timeline is highly specific.
It's your Sunday show rundown!
Merry holidays to all of you, Wonkers, let us begin.
Over on CNN's "State of The Union," Jake Tapper began the morning with punchable ophthalmologist and Kentucky's second-most-loathsome senator, Rand Paul. Paul, via satellite from the site of the Bowling Green Massacre, decided to prove a former speechwriter for President Obama correct in his assessment of what this entire impeachment process would be like.
This entire impeachment process is just gonna be all of us knocking down the most offensively stupid arguments from… https://t.co/esHDIy90rJ— Jon Favreau (@Jon Favreau)1572823197.0
Rand Paul has decided his offensively stupid argument will be that Trump was "combating corruption" when he decided to extort Ukraine for an investigation that would hurt Joe Biden (and the Democratic Party). Tapper, for his part, pointed out the absurdity of this argument by taking Paul down Memory Lane.
TAPPER: But this is a president whose former personal attorney Michael Cohen, former campaign chairman Paul Manafort, former National Security Adviser Mike Flynn, former campaign adviser Roger Stone, former deputy campaign chair Rick Gates, former associate George Papadopoulos, all of them have been convicted of federal crimes. In addition, last year, Trump University settled a $25 million fraud lawsuit. Last month, President Trump admitted misusing his own charitable foundation's money, was ordered to pay $2 million. You really think President Trump is concerned about rooting out corruption?
I love that song! But did these facts deter Paul from making more idiotic arguments? Nope! He tried to trudge on with it to the point Tapper had to do everything in his power not to laugh in his face while pointing out his logic fallacies.
It's your Sunday Show Rundown.
Between Donald Trump giving Turkey the go-ahead to invade Northern Syria and Rudy Giuliani and his League of Extraordinary Dipshits, it's been a really long week marked by a total lack of integrity.
Let's begin with a returning guest to this column but in a different format: Kellyanne Conway, appearing with her trademark dishonesty on Maria Bartiromos' Fox News safe space, "Sunday Morning Futures." Conway attacked Joe Biden for his son's foreign business ties after Hunter Biden announced (belated!) plans to step down from the board of a Chinese private equity firm:
CONWAY: Yes, well, he should have done this quite a while ago. In fact, he probably shouldn't have been on the board to begin with. He hitched a ride on Air Force Two with the vice president of the United States, also his father at that time, came back with sweetheart deals, and I am really disappointed in so many members of the mainstream media stretching their necks to defend Hunter Biden, saying -- and we must say that there's no -- there's no wrongdoing here, nothing illegal. […] This is a part of how Donald Trump won in the first place, saying that we're going to get rid of these sweetheart deals, we're going to make sure that we clean up the -- the axis of power in a place like Washington, D.C., where someone like Hunter Biden can get a $50,000 a month retainer for a Ukrainian energy company when everybody knows that he doesn't have that skill set.
Conway also decided to preview the next set of attacks against Elizabeth Warren (and the Democratic Party) if Biden continues falling in the polls:
CONWAY: I do think it's funny that in a party that says "we're woke" and "we're going to be transformational," they're not backing the African-American woman, they're not backing the African-American man, they're not - - they're not backing the gay man, the mayor, you know? We're going to have people who are different as our -- they could do that. Those are Democratic primary voters, and they've got the -- the three white people at the top of the polls.
Now the level of dishonesty and lack of self-awareness form Conway is astonishing. From Ivanka's Chinese trademarks to Don Jr. and Eric gallivanting through foreign countries for deals to Jared Kushner's unqualified ass being in charge of Middle East peace to Trump himself having foreign leaders at his resorts (not to mention his towers in Turkey, which are causing some questions right now), Conway's charge of nepotism and the impropriety is laughable. The idea that the most discriminatory and least diverse administration would lecture Dems on diversity or race is mind-boggling. Take a look: