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IT'S ALL FINE. Wonkagenda For Mon., March 11, 2019

Trump's bigass budget, the horse race for 2020, and Erik Prince miiiight have lied to congress. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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2016 Presidential Election

Who Among Us Hasn't Sold Hoohoo-Peener Pics Of Our Sister And Jeff Bezos To The National Enquirer For $250K?

With friends like these ...

If Jeff Bezos's wandering dick winds up taking out Trump, it will be the surprise ending we all deserve. We elected a tabloid president who likes to play footsie with murderous Saudi dictators. Trump's pals at the National Enquirer also like to rub up against the Saudis and their giant money bags. Enquirer publisher David Pecker seems to have bollixed his attempt to neutralize America's richest man, possibly in an attempt to suck up to Saudi prince Mohammed bin Salman and Donald Trump. And now Jeff Bezos is reportedly threatening to bring the whole sordid edifice crumbling down with a "90-page investigative report that will make the case that the Enquirer published the Bezos exposé to curry favor with Saudi investors." U-S-A! U-S-A!

Vanity Fair's Gabe Sherman has been talking to Lauren Sanchez's brother Michael since the story broke in January. When last we left the Trash Twins, Michael Sanchez had been confirmed as AMI's source for both the texts and the photos of his sister and her boyfriend Jeff Bezos. Although he was originally coy as to who might have leaked the texts, Sanchez had previously insisted to Sherman that he didn't send pictures of his sister's crotch to the National Enquirer.

"I'm not saying I didn't do something. [...] Until I go under oath, what I can tell you now is that ever since April 20, when I met Jeff, my only goal has been to protect Jeff and Lauren."
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News

INFINITE SCREAMMMMM! Wonkagenda For Fri., March 1, 2019

Jared calls his father-in-law, HHS says no kiddy fiddling in baby jails, and the shitshow at CPAC. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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News

Chinaman Not The Preferred Nomenclature, Trump. Wonkagenda For Tues., Feb. 26, 2019

Michael Cohen has 'EARTH SHATTERING' news, Trump trying to steal Uncle Sam's purse, and 9/11 first responders need our help. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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TO INFINITY! Wonkagenda For Wed., Feb. 20, 2019

Trump's NSC caught going nuclear, a space farce, and more Russian fuckery. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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News

Love Your Children Well. Wonkagenda For Thurs., Feb. 14, 2019

Manafort FUXXORED, snakey Republicans throw tantrums over guns, and Fox tries to hide an anti-Nazi documentary. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat, and happy Valentine's Day! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Journamalism

Trump's Billionaire Pal Tom Barrack Defends Saudis' Peculiar Institution: Journalist Murder

Sorry, westerners, you just wouldn't understand.

Trump's billionaire pal Tom Barrack has THOUGHTS on Saudi Arabia. After his star turn organizing the most expensive presidential inauguration ever PERIOD -- so expensive that there are now four pending criminal investigations to figure out how the hell they managed to spend $107 million -- Tom Barrack is here to tell you filthy colonialists to butt right out of the Kingdom, thankyouverymuch.

Not for nothing, but the killing of Jamal Khashoggi did not take place "in Saudi Arabia." In fact, the Saudi government lured the Washington Post reporter to its consulate in Istanbul, where a team of assassins Skyped in to let their bosses back home listen in while they murdered him and dismembered his body. Which is totally fine, see, because America has high rates of incarceration and gun violence. So, we're good, right?

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Media/Entertainment

Pecker Moved On Saudis Like A Bitch, But He Just Couldn't Get There

SAD!

How deep in the shit is the National Enquirer? Deep enough its parent company AMI explicitly asked the Justice Department whether they needed to register as lobbyists for Saudi Arabia under the Foreign Agents Registration Act. When Paul Manafort, Rick Gates, and Michael Flynn got busted for not copping to all their dirty work for Russia, Ukraine, Turkey and God only knows who else, Trump's buddy David Pecker had a major OH, SHIT moment. Because he'd just published a 97-page mash note to Saudi dictator Mohammed bin-Salman, and SDNY was already crawling all over him for the campaign finance scheme he cooked up with Trump's fixer Michael Cohen. The last thing he needed was to get charged with violating FARA. So he sent the DOJ a letter that said something like ...

Suppose a media company that mostly farts out stories of questionable veracity about celebrities being pregnant/cheating/descended from UFOs decides to publish a 97-page, full-color, ad-free love letter to the Saudi Crown Prince right as he's coming to America. We're, like, totally desperate for cash, and that guy MBS could front us $100 million without even blinking. So we printed up 200,000 copies of that nonsense and parked them at checkout counters, where we pretended that people were seriously going to fork over $13 to read about some dictator from NOT AMERICASTAN. Anyway, we solicited articles from one of MBS's trusted courtiers, and we let those guys review our puff masterpiece pre-publication. Which we lied about to journalists, LOL! But it's not like they ordered us to do any of those things in advance. We're not lobbyists, we're just whores. And is that so wrong?

OKAY, FINE we made all that up. But we read the redacted opinion letter the Wall Street Journal just dug up on the DOJ's website, and we're pretty sure we weren't that far off.

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News

Trump V. Beto: No Contest. Wonkagenda For Tues., Feb. 12, 2019

Trump takes on Beto, you're not getting a tax refund, and David Pecker's little Bonesaw. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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News

ANOTHER Government Shutdown!?! Wonkagenda For Mon., Feb. 11, 2019.

Trump demands WALL (again), everyone is still talking about Jeff Bezos's dick pics, and so much more. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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News

Trump's Nixon Moment. Wonkagenda For Wed., Feb. 6, 2019

Democrats refuse to stand for Trump's American carnage, Stacey Abrams is PERFECT, and Robert Mueller is following the rubles. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today!

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News

Pomp And Circumstance. Wonkagenda For Tues., Feb. 5, 2019

Law enforcement looks at the shady 'naug, Dr. Ronny Jackson is making his comeback, and DC gets ready for the SOTU. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today!

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News

Something's Coming. Wonkagenda For Fri., Feb. 01, 2019

Trump falls asleep in history class, Cory Booker announces his 2020 run, and net neutrality shenanigans. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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News

OK, MAYBE There Was Collusion.  Wonkagenda For Thurs., Jan. 17, 2019

ALLEGEDLY drunk Rudy Giuliani denies his denial, Michael Cohen ALLEGEDLY paid $50,000 to be an internet sex symbol, and Trump to re-start Star Wars. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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News

'I Served Them Massive Amounts Of Fast Food.' Wonkagenda For Tues., Jan. 15, 2019

Trump gorges himself on cheeseburgers and pizza as his shutdown enters Day 25. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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News

President Sh*tmouth. Wonkagenda For Tues., Jan. 8, 2019

Trump to make TV worse with prime time address, and the government shutdown gets worse. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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