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SC County GOP Launches Hawt Sexual Purity Witch Hunt Among Candidates

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The GOP is of course very famous for insisting that everyoneelse follow their medieval prescriptions regarding a private individual's usage of his or her genitalia, but the Laurens County Republican Party of South Carolina has decided to break with longstanding orthodoxy and be logical about it, by requiring that any Republican candidate for office there submit to passing a strict purity test in order to qualify for the ballot. The rules: You must certify that you have only ever had silent, awkward, straight missionary sex with the person you married to, only while married. Oh and also, that you never, ever look at porn, not even in disgust. The goal of this exciting test, according to the party committee that unanimously passed it, is to stop the epidemic of SECRET DEMOCRATS who have long been infiltrating the GOP and running as Republicans in order to destroy the brand, with their filth.


From the Clinton Chronicle:

"We have Democrats running as Republicans," [South Carolina Republican Party chairman Chad] Connelly said, "because it is the only way they can get elected. And then we wonder, why didn't they vote the way we thought they were going to vote. The pressure is on for them to say what they are."

Connelly said President Clinton in the '90s proved to Americans that "character doesn't matter."

"Now we are finding that character really does matter," the GOP chairman said.

"How do we vet a candidate? How do we know they are who they say they are? Do you recognize our core values?" Connelly said are all questions that Republican organizations throughout the nation are grappling. "We just heard (Republican) Gov. Charlie Crist (of Florida) say he might be voting for Obama."

Apparently, however, there are nothing but secret Democrats in Laurens County, South Carolina, since the committee was immediately forced to issue a clarification:

The Laurens County Republican Party reserves the right to vet its candidates and will encourage all candidates to uphold the principles of the party’s platform as well as petition candidates to sign a pledge to do so. However, no candidate will be denied access to the Republican Party primary ballot for refusing to sign the pledge.

Oh, okay. So it's still the Democrats' fault next time a Republican politician gets caught flogging a rentboy in his church basement. All good. [Clinton Chronicle via Corey Hutchins]

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Lace up your sneakers, Wonkers! Time to hit the streets. MoveOn, the ACLU, MomsRising and all your favorite dirty leftists are getting together for a yuuuuuuuuge march to show that WE ARE A NATION OF DECENT FUCKING HUMAN BEINGS WHO DON'T KIDNAP BABIES. And your Wonkette will be there!

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Rudy Giuliani, flapping his loose yap to Politico on Monday:

President Donald Trump's attorney Rudy Giuliani said on Monday that he was actually just bluffing last week when he called for Justice Department leaders to suspend special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation within 24 hours.

"I didn't think it would," Giuliani told POLITICO with a laugh when asked about the Mueller inquiry's still being very much an active investigation. "But I still think it should be." [...]

That's what I'm supposed to do," Giuliani explained on Monday. "What am I supposed to say? That they should investigate him forever? Sorry, I'm not a sucker."

Cool, that is just Rudy Giuliani admitting he's full of shit and words and more shit and more words (and also a noun, a verb and 9/11). We are guessing therefore that Giuliani, who is a lawyer, would legally advise us to continue assuming we should take his every oral ejaculation with a gi-normous grain of FULL OF SHIT.

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