No, you idiot, the test gave it to you, isn't that what Donald Trump said?
Why yes, we have already told you about Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Dumbfuck di tutti Dumbfucks) testing positive for coronavirus. Since we posted that story, more stuff has developed, and not just in Gohmert's lungs, and it made the editrix so mad she made us do a followup. That's how mad she was!
JAKE, THANK YOU for letting our office know Louie tested positive for the Coronavirus. When you write your story, can you include the fact that Louie requires full staff to be in the office, including three interns, so that 'we could be an example to America on how to open up safely.' When probing the office, you might want to ask how often were people berated for wearing masks.
Well that's nice. Gotta have the office fully staffed, because we are now open, and very safely! So safely that we'll ignore basic infection control measures like wearing masks, because weren't you paying attention, we have reopened safely.
We should also note that when he learned he'd tested positive,
Gohmert didn't immediately isolate and self-quarantine, as health experts advise. He reportedly returned to his office, saying he wanted to inform his staffers of the test result in person rather than having them learn from news reports. Several staffers were already in the process of leaving by the time he arrived.
Gotta make sure you have that personal touch, though hopefully without any actual touching? We suppose we'll eventually find out whether he wore a mask — presumably, but this is Louie Gohmert.
The far bigger news, of course, is that Louie Gohmert, in keeping with his declared mission of always being the stupidest dumbshit in Congress, is jes' wondering if maybe it was wearing a mask that made him catch the Rona in the first place. In an interview with East Texas TV station KETK, Gohmert told anchor Cynthia McLaughlin he suspected that might have been the case. Jesus this idiot:
I can't help but wonder if by keeping a mask on and keeping it in place, that if I might have put some germs, some virus, some of the virus onto the mask and breathed it in. I don't know, but I got it, we'll see what happens from here, but the reports of my demise are very premature.
When McLaughlin asked what he thought about several East Texas counties where authorities have said they won't be enforcing the state's mask mandate, Gohmert chuckled and said,
I think ... this used to be what was called a free country, and people could do what they thought was appropriate, and if somebody feels strongly about everybody should wear a mask, then they shouldn't be around people that don't wear masks. But I do feel that once somebody has been found to have the coronavirus, that they should wear a mask, preferably not even be in public. [...] I think that's important.
Presumably, because people shouldn't be constrained by government rules, Gohmert then drove the wrong way up a one-way street and blew through a few red lights because he was in a hurry.
McLaughlin, in an object lesson of why people who haven't done a goddamned bit of research shouldn't be on TV, then asked if Gohmert thought people who aren't sick should wear masks for their own protection. Congratulations, you completely missed one of the most basic fact about this fucking pandemic: People can be infected and can make others sick without having any symptoms themselves. That is the whole point of mask mandates, you idiot local news dipshit. How the hell can McLaughlin have been working in a newsroom for more than 10 minutes — during a pandemic outbreak in Texas! — without having heard that? (Um, also, yes, it seems clear that people should also wear masks for their own protection, although the science isn't yet in on how much protection they provide — definitely some, possibly quite a bit!)
Gohmert then doubled down on what seems to be his growing conviction that wearing a mask made him sick: "I can't help but think that if I hadn't been wearing a mask so much in the last 10 days or so, I really wonder if I would have gotten it." He then speculated, repeating a favorite Donald Trump bit of nonsense, that he had accidentally gotten some virus on the mask while adjusting it and that's how he became infected.
Because just touching his hands all over his dumb yokel face without a mask would have been fine? He probably believes it's safer to not wear a seatbelt, so you can be thrown clear of a wreck.
But would he have been infected if he hadn't worn a mask so much? Why yes, he probably would have! After all these months, this fucking imbecile (who has the power to make laws) just never cared to understand the first thing about why masks matter, even when it was explained to him. A masked person can still be infected, especially if, like Gohmert, they hang out with a lot of people who aren't wearing masks. Hell, he doesn't let his own staff wear masks. There's a far greater chance that he may have been infected by a maskless staffer, a fellow member of the House, or for that matter a constituent (you just know he shakes hands, and that his fans don't wear masks), than from a stray bit of viral RNA that he wiped onto a mask.
There are plenty of vectors for the virus, and wearing a mask is not one of them you shithead, the end.
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Tucker Carlson FURIOUS You Canceled Dr. Immanuel Before She Could Explain: Does Demon Jizz Cause COVID-19?
We need to know more science, please.
We are pleased/filled with sorrow to tell you that there is more news in the scientific field of demonspermology, the foremost expert on which is Dr. Stella Immanuel of Houston. She also is just pretty sure hydroxychloroquine is a miracle drug to cure coronavirus — it is not — but does not mention whether hydroxychloroquine is effective against demon sperm, or whether or not demon sperm causes COVID-19. (If your weenus loses its sense of smell and taste, you might have a problem. A DEMON PROBLEM. We are just saying.)
Immanuel is really not one of those doctors who gives you all the information, is what we are saying.
After Immanuel and a cast of doctors almost as bugfuck as her gave their press conference on quack cures for coronavirus this week, their video went viral on Facebook, and if you know people who post memes about how Noah was also too a conspiracy theorist until it started raining, you saw it there. At least until Facebook started deleting the shit out of the video and any reference to it.
Maybe you saw when Donald Trump retweeted it, because he's that stupid, before Twitter deleted it.
All of this censorship has made Dr. Immanuel very mad. She calmly and medically explained this week that if Facebook does not put her videos back up, Jesus Christ himself will break into Facebook and take the whole site down.
Plus other things too, but mostly that.
The COVID-19 news is coming hot and heavy and deadly, so let's all put on our Plague Doctor masks and listen to the latest hot pop music craze, the one the kids call EDM, for Electronic Danse Macabre. Or maybe it's Charnel House Music; I can never tell the difference.
This really is the news this week. Really.
On Tuesday, Donald Trump did one of his coronavirus briefings what are so popular with the kids these days. After telling a Black reporter how much he looked like Michael Bloomberg, Trump called on CNN's Kaitlan Collins, but he didn't tell her she looked anything like Michael Bloomberg. She asked the man who is still president about his retweeting of a doctor who says they make medicine out of the DNA of aliens, who also just happens to really be into hydroxychloroquine ... oh let's just roll tape:
.@kaitlancollins: The woman you say is a 'great doctor' said masks don't work & doctors make medicine using DNA fro… https://t.co/9hX2IBO40u— Aaron Rupar (@Aaron Rupar)1595973538.0
Y'all get that? He was very impressed with Dr. Stella Immanuel, AKA Dr. Alien DNA, AKA Dr. Demon Jizz, but he's never heard of her, but she was with lots of other doctors, and she was tremendous, and she knows hydroxychloroquine is just a really good snake oil cure for the COVID. He did not have a chance to weigh in on whether he also believes people get ovarian cysts or endometriosis, or experience the inability to get an erection, on account of because a demon astral projected into their dreams and fucked the shitfire outta them.
Which is one of the scientific medical things she believes. Which is why we call her Dr. Demon Jizz now.
Oh well, no matter!
Some new reporting has come out on who the rest of those doctors within astral projecting distance of Dr. Demon Jizz were, because of how Trump was also very impressed with them. (He's very easily impressed, just like the stupidest people on your Facebook feed.)