Scott Walker Wants To Be President Without The Tricky Questions, Please And Thank You

Oooh, that Scott Walker, he is so tough. He will bust those stupid unions and slash those stupid pensions right in the nuts, and then he will do the same thing to ISIS. That is how tough he is. Exactly like Reagan Sir Ronald, Patron Saint of Big Swingin' Dicks. We are talkin' BAD MUTHAFUCKA tough, all you all.

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Except for sometimes. Like, if he is asked a question, one part of his brain wants to give the far-right answer (hi, The Base, nomination, please). But then another part of his brain -- the part that knows a governor of a blue state (what is up with that, Wisconsin, for real?) who wants to win the general needs to tone it down -- screams "No, Scottie, it's a trap!" So then another other part of his brain says, "The only winning move is not to play. How about a nice game of chess?" But then an even other another other part of his brain says, "LOL, like we know how to play chess, how about Play-Doh?"

This time, the question is about birthright citizenship, and how he, like all the other venereal diseases walking around in suits and calling themselves Republican presidential candidates, is against that, because they all hate America and the Constitution. How do we know Walker also wants to Wite-Out the part of the 14th Amendment that says if you are borned in America, you are A American? Because just the other day, Walker said so, when Donald Trump released his Terrific Make America Great And Fuckin' Classy Again! plan to do that, and also build a classy wall on Mexico's whatever-dime-is-in-Spanish, and Walker whined, "I totally thought of all of that first!"

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But now that The Media is like, "Whoa, really? Have you guys ever read the Constitution at all? Get a brain, morans," Walker's moran brain parts are fighting each other, so this time, when asked about birthright citizenship:

"I'm not taking a position on it one way or the other," the 2016 Republican presidential hopeful said. Only after securing America's borders, he explained, is it appropriate to address the issue of birthright citizenship.

But wait, Gov. Walker, you already took a position on it! Here, we will show you again, some more, exactly how you did that ALL OVER THE TV:

Asked by MSNBC if birthright citizenship should be ended, the Wisconsin governor replied: "Yeah, to me it's about enforcing the laws in this country. And I've been very clear, I think you enforce the laws, and I think it's important to send a message that we're going to enforce the laws, no matter how people come here we're going to enforce the laws."

Listen, little buddy, we know how running for president is hard, especially when you get trick gotcha questioned with stumpers like, "Do you really think that thing you just said you think, like, five minutes ago?" or "Do you believe in evolution?" The temptation to say "I'm going to punt on that one" is hard to resist.

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But, see, it don't work that way, mister, when you are running for president. You gotta answer the questions, especially the policy kind. Sure, you can try to get around it, but see, then people will think you are all talk and no walk, and a giant fraidy pussy, and also maybe a little bit of A Idiot.

Actually, there might not be a way for you to change hearts and minds on that one. Sorry, governor.

[CNBC / NBC News]


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