Scott Walker has a busy first day in the office penciled in for January of 2017. First he’s going to rip up the multilateral deal on Iran’s nuclear program and bomb those Persian Muslin ragheads back to the Pleistocene Era. Then he’s going to repeal and replace Obamacare with this little plan he revealed on Tuesday. And also, Inaugural balls!

Ha ha, we kid, because Scott Walker, a man so dull he is literally a Styrofoam cup of wheat germ, is never going to be president. But let’s humor him and pretend to take his padded-out term paper seriously for a minute. What is Walker’s plan to save America from the scourge of more affordable health insurance being available to more of the country’s citizens? Besides wondering why those weak-kneed Republicans on Congress haven't even bothered trying to "put a bill on the president's desk to repeal ObamaCare."

It's not as if we need to read his plan, because it’s pretty much the same collection of talking points that the GOP has been farting out of its collective asshole since forever. Tort reform? Sure, everyone hates lawyers. High-risk pools for especially sick people? Always a winner for any patient who wants outrageously expensive insurance and the possibility of thousands and thousands of dollars in out-of-pocket costs. Empowering the states but also allowing insurance to be sold across state lines? Seems like those two might conflict with each other.

Oh, tax credits based on age, so that Jennifer Lawrence will qualify for the same credit as the twentysomething working the concession stand at a theater showing one of her movies in Boobsweat, Connecticut? What a great idea that totally makes all sorts of sense. And it’s different than the income-based tax credits in Obamacare, so congratulations on thinking outside the box, Scott Walker.

Vladimir Putin was all set to be terrified of Walker because of the way he faced down hordes of angry schoolteachers in Wisconsin, but now he’s probably just laughing.

We shouldn’t laugh, actually. Scott Walker just doesn’t want anyone else to suffer male-pattern baldness after bumping his head on a kitchen cabinet. Think of all the other middle-aged white men who can be spared such a tragedy if only America will allow this man to kill Obamacare.

[L.A. Times / The Hill]