OH JESUS CHRIST, GO FUCK YOURSELF, JOE MANCHIN.
YOU TOO, JEFF FLAKE.
Joe Manchin, can we talk? Haha just kidding, YOU'RE GOING TO SIT THERE AND GODDAMMIT YOU'RE GOING TO FUCKING LISTEN.
We sometimes defend your existence, even though you mostly suck all the time so much, but we like it when there are asses in seats that have D's next to their names, and we have especially wanted you to win your race for re-election, because, Christ, you are a West Virginia senator, and we are pretty lucky to have any national politician from there who is not literally Coal Baron Hitler. We also figure that when we take the Senate either on November 6 or at the very latest 2020, your presence as a number would be just fine, because you won't be making the rules, because literally every other Democrat in that body is your real dad.
And it looks like you are going to win your race! You're up in the polls so high that you can afford to do something a little bit risky once in a while! You know, let your hair down! Cut a rug! Stay up past midnight! DON'T VOTE FOR CLOTURE FOR LIKELY RAPISTS!
Capitol Overwhelmed By Massive Turnout Of Six Pro-Kavanaugh Marchers
There would have been more, but they were kidnapped by Antifa and illegal aliens probably.
Donald Trump has been impressed by all the millions of people turning out for his rallies, because they are all wildly excited about the nomination of Brett Kavanaugh. And also about the chance they might get to participate in the first ritual disembowelment of a journalist. (It's only a matter of time.) But when it comes to self-organizing, it appears the pro-Kavanaugh Right is still working on logistics, because whoever organized a rally to support the nomination only managed to get six people to show up, according to a thrilling account on Twitter by ABC News Capitol Hill reporter/producer Ben Siegel. Who knows, maybe there were more gathered somewhere else -- and as the Tea Party types always insisted when crowd size was less than intended, the people who support Kavanaugh all have jobs, you bums.
Still, what they lacked in numbers, they certainly also lacked in originality! As senators arrived, the stalwart six shouted "We want Kavanaugh!" Then, when Jeff Flake arrived, they shouted "Flake the Snake!" which is clever, because it rhymes. They could have just gone for "Jeff Flake is a Flake," but they went the extra mile.
Great, Now The Whiny Yelly Motherfucker's BEGGING
Brett Kavanaugh wouldn't have hurt you, baby, if you just wouldn't have made him so mad.
Brett Kavanaugh is fucking pathetic. Nobody likes Brett, everybody hates Brett, guess Brett should go eat a bag of dicks with his tiny weird little butthole mouth.
But there's somebody who supports Brett Kavanaugh for SCOTUS, and it is this guy named Brett Kavanaugh, who is BEGGING OMG PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let him get confirmed, because honest to God, he did not sexually assault all those women (at least that he remembers, and he's unwilling to answer honestly about his drinking in high school and college, and a million people from that time say he was a total asshole blackout drunk who treated women poorly, and the FBI wasn't allowed to ask questions about it either).
Kavanaugh is doing his begging on the editorial pages of the rightwing Wall Street Journal shitrag, because we guess that is how much privilege a fuckfaced white boy has that he thinks he can credibly be accused of sexual assault by multiple women and then have a full crybaby meltdown in the Senate Goddamned Judiciary Committee, but if he just begs hard enough in Rupert Murdoch's idiot paper, he'll still get every little thing he wants. Is he sorry for treating senators like shit and yelling loud conspiracy theories about Hillary Clinton that probably originated inside Rush Limbaugh's skin folds? Is he sorry for being so undignified and generally ass-y? Nah. Is he very apologetic for having the AUDACITY to ask Amy Klobuchar if she was a blackout drunk, in response to her very pertinent questions about his drinking? Nah.
Heidi Heitkamp Not Voting For Quaaludes McRapeVan, Because Fuck You Is Why
COURAGE! GET SOME!
Hooray for red state Democrat Heidi Heitkamp, who is facing one of the toughtest re-election fights of them all, and who has decided that regardless of what happens on November 6, she's voting her conscience on Brett Kavanaugh. And since she has a conscience, that means she is voting FUCK NO.
You hear that Joe Manchin? Senator Heitkamp is down in the polls, and she's voting no. You are up in the polls, by almost ten points, and you can totally afford to vote against likely sexual predators on the Supreme Court! Make like a Heidi Heitkamp and don't be a fucking dick, JOE.
Finally Some Good Immigration News!
Federal judge puts brakes on deporting 300,000 people -- and their 193,000 American kids.
In at least a temporary win for 300,000 immigrants legally allowed to be in the USA because of terrible conditions in their home countries, a federal judge in California has granted an injunction preventing the Trump administration from sending them back to countries that are still too fucked up to handle a huge influx of returnees. The decision temporarily blocks deportations of immigrants granted "Temporary Protected Status" (TPS) because of violence and natural disasters in Sudan, Haiti, Nicaragua and El Salvador. This decision won't end the Trump drive to Make America White Again, but it will at least prevent deportations until the case is finally settled by higher federal courts. Like maybe a SCOTUS with Brett "The Preznit can Do Anything and He Loves Me" Kavanaugh on it. Still, we'll take any nice time we can find, thanks!
GOP Senators Just Can't Quit Justice Kavanaugh
They refuse to cut bait on a real odd fish.
Things look grim for Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. We say this every day, I know, but Monday ended with revelations that Kavanaugh allegedly tried to tamper with witnesses and, worst of all, might have picked a fight with guy he drunkenly believed was the lead singer of UB40. Who knows what Tuesday might bring? We could learn Kavanaugh continued his vendetta against blue-eyed soul bands and got in a brawl with someone he thought was the lead vocalist from Simply Red.
But Republicans, like Rick Astley, are never gonna give up on Brett Kavanaugh. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell promises a vote this week on the judge, regardless of what the FBI uncovers. That's either because he knows the fix is in or the GOP has been successful in dismissing the charges against him as "youthful indiscretions," including the alleged perjury from just last week. Rich Lowry in the National Review (no, I won't link to it) implicitly casts Kavanaugh as Tom Robinson from "To Kill a Mockinbird," the innocent black man wrongly accused of rape by the "white trash" Mayella Ewell (that would be Christine Blasey Ford in Lowry's modern update). The left, I guess, is the "racist mob" that kills Robinson. This is the point where I remind everyone that neither Kavanaugh's liberty nor his property are at stake, just a prestigious job he really wants.
Don't Know How To Say This, But It *Looks Like* Brett Kavanaugh Lied Again
How much behind-the-scenes work has Brett Kavanaugh been doing to shut his alleged victim Debbie Ramirez up? We are just starting to find out!
You guys! Brett Kavanaugh said a fib! Can you believe such a thing?
Last week, Kavanaugh told Senate investigators that he had no discussions with anyone about the allegations against him from his former Yale classmate Debbie Ramirez. He testified under oath ON YOUR TELEVISION that he found out about the allegations from the article in the New Yorker. This seems to be ... not entirely true! In fact, it sounds to Wonkette like Brett Kavanaugh boofed his answer like a common Devil's Triangle!
Lo Unto Us A UB40 Bar Brawl Has Been Given!
Red Red Wine, Make Brett Kavanaugh Feel So Fine, Keep Brett Rocking ALL OVER YOUR FACE ARGGGGGGHHG!1Q@!!!!
Before we get going here, we just need to say that OF COURSE there was a UB40 bar brawl. This is 2018, and we're doubling down on putting the most patently unqualified whiny ass loser white boy in human history on the Supreme Court, so OF COURSE there is a UB40 bar brawl. Would you be satisfied with anything less? We think not.
Surprise! Brett Kavanaugh FBI 'Investigation' Kinda Bullshit, Thanks To GOP And Trump
THE FUCK YOU SAY.
Good morning Wonkets, we begin this new hellacious week with news that is very surprising and will make you want to go back to bed until Friday. You ready?
It would appear the new weeklong investigation into Brett Kavanaugh's alleged sex crimes is a bunch of ass-covering horseshit, due to the meddling of Donald Trump, White House counsel Don McGahn, and the GOP toadies in Congress. Thanks, Jeff Flake! You have opened the door for ... exactly what we would expect from the GOP!
Sorry, Republicans: We're Never NOT Going To Call Drunk-Ass O'Kavanaugh A Credibly Accused Sexual Predator
This is not over. And this is what's going to happen if you put Brett Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court.
Wonkers, we have to be honest with you about how we are feeling today, and it is that we are so angry and heartbroken we are shaking. (Also we are not as friendly as Dok, because GRRRRRRR.) We watched all morning as Senate Judiciary Republicans tried to ram through a vote for likely attempted rapist Brett Kavanaugh, decidedly without America's consent, before Jeff Flake pulled a Jeff Flake and changed his mind for the seventieth goddamn time and decided the vote should be suddenly delayed and that the FBI should investigate. (And good! That should happen, and it seems Senator Chris Coons deserves credit for convincing Flake to try to be a little bit less of a monster for five minutes.) Meanwhile, some Democratic senators, like Kamala Harris and Mazie Hirono, just fucking cold walked out of the meeting this morning, because fuck these old white men, let's go do some work. Other Democrats, like Sheldon Whitehouse and Amy Klobuchar and Cory Booker, stayed to speak, and they were obviously angry and heartbroken and shaking the same way we are right now.
Republicans like Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham and Chuck Grassley sat there with their trademark shit-eating smirks, pretending they care about Christine Blasey Ford, as if they believe one word she said in her historic testimony. Oh, they say they believe something happened to her. They just think she, a PhD BRAIN SCIENTIST, is so fucking stupid she's probably "mixed up" about who tried to rape her. In other words, they believe she's a woman who doesn't deserve to be taken seriously.
During yesterday's hearing, Rachel Mitchell, the special "female assistant" the GOP called in to prosecute Dr. Blasey's claims and make her feel bad, accidentally did some good work while questioning Brett Kavanaugh. She found a date on his calendar, July 1, when Kavanaugh wrote that he did this:
Doppelgänger 2: The Rapin' Boogaloo
But wait, there's MORE!
Don't sleep on Republicans, y'all! GOP fuckery and bad faith knows no bounds. Because even after Evan came back in to write you a 9:30 p.m. post on the new Judiciary Committee transcript where Brett Kavanaugh got to rebut all the obvious nutjobs and their bullshit hallucinations with a self-serving monologue on his own sacred virtue, the night wasn't over. Turns out Boaty McBoatface, the "boat guy" out of Rhode Island who theoretically beat up "Mark and Brett" after they took liberties with one of the local ladies, is ... OMG, NOT REAL. So obviously Dr. Ford, and Deborah Ramirez, and Julie Swetnick are also NOT REAL, and we should just vote to give living saint Brett Kavanaugh a lifetime appointment on the Supreme Court, right? Right?
Or Chuck Grassley and the rest of the lyinass bitches on the Judiciary Committee -- this means you, Orrin! -- can GTFOH with that noise.
But Chuck and Orrin did not GTFOH. Instead they beta-tested a brand new Doppelgänger Theory. What if the Real Rapist™ isn't saintly virgin Brett Kavanaugh or his drunken lout buddy "Squi," with whom he spent his entire summer, but is instead some random nutjob who called in out of the blue to confess his crimes to Chuck Grassley? Or maybe it's TWO NUTJOBS!
An American Hero And A Rapey McGrossFace Walk Into The Senate Judiciary Committee. Your Shitshow Hearing Liveblog!
HERE WE FUCKING GO!
GOOD MORNING! It's election day 2018 and today is the day we take our country back! Yes it's going to be a long day but after all our hard work, it's about to finally pay off because ...
Wait what? We are sorry, we are getting an emergency missive from the Wonkette secret chatcave that no, our dreams have not come true, and no, we have not recently awakened after accidentally sleeping for six weeks, and that actually we are liveblogging the Senate Judiciary Committee hearing where a "special counsel" named Rachel Mitchell will interrogate Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, the first woman who came forward to say that Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh sexually assaulted her. Mitchell was drafted as an "assistant" so that the eleven GrossDick McOlds on the GOP side of the committee don't look like slobbering trash when they accidentally ask Dr. Blasey to describe what she's wearing right now. (Because on top of being GrossDick McOlds, they forgot their spectacles this morning.)
After that, Brett Kavanaugh will tell everybody about how he updated his calendars in choir practices and he didn't even have a penis until he was 27, at which point it was stored in a safe until he met his beloved wife Ashley, and it is only brought out once a month for ceremony.
Sounds Like Brett Kavanaugh Loves Green Eggs And Ham, By Which We Mean He MIGHT Be A Serial Rapist
Take these new revelations with a salt lick, AT LEAST FOR NOW.
Are we having a hearing tomorrow? Because at this point we cannot possibly see how a hearing happens tomorrow, considering how the floodgates are open wide, and if Trump hasn't removed Brett Kavanaugh's name from SCOTUS consideration by midnight, we're pretty sure Ashley Kavanaugh's going to go ahead and remove his name from their marriage certificate.
Why do we say this? Oh just ALL THESE NEW ALLEGATIONS. What's that thing Lindsey Graham (R-Misogyny) said today about how he doesn't think Brett Kavanaugh is a serial rapist, because boys don't just gang rape a bunch of girls in high school and then become the president and also a client of the Let's Not Rape! Club as adults? (He may have phrased it li'l different.) And that thing Graham said about how Kavanaugh's not some kind of Bill Cosby, with 60 accusers or something?
When Graham said that, Kavanaugh was five percent of a Cosby, with three accusers. Now, by our back of the napkin math he is a little over eight percent of a Cosby, because we have a fourth and a fifth accuser! How many percents of a Cosby will he be by the 11 o'clock news? We don't know, but we do think that you need to make sure you know where your daughters are, like they say on the news, because HOLY SHIT HE'S STILL OUT THERE.
Now, we need to point something out at the very outset here, and it is that these are anonymous allegations, and they are being fed into the news cycle by the GOP-led Senate Judiciary Committee. Indeed, it seems like they have a (very dumb) game in mind:
YETI PUBES GRRR ARGH!
He is SO MAD at Michael Avenatti. Plus Lindsey Graham and Jeff Flake doing ... something.
Well! The affidavit from Michael Avenatti's client Julie Swetnick, which comes this close to outright accusing Brett Kavanaugh of gang raping her personally, and even closer to saying he participated in drugging and gang raping girls in high school -- and by "even closer," we mean her affidavit straight up says it -- is starting to ricochet around Washington, and apparently also in New York, where Donald Trump is fucking himself on the world stage for all the United Nations' amusement.
Trump's reaction? Let's just say his Yeti Pubes are BURNING IN RAGE and his weird little Nintendo mushroom weenus is ... well it's probably just flopping around his granny panties like it always is, but we bet if he were a younger man, it would be mad too.
Bill Cosby Will Rise From Dead, Give Brett Kavanaugh Jello Puddin' Pop
Begun the sex war has.
Bill Cosby, convicted in April on three felony counts of sexual assault against Andrea Constand in 2005, was sentenced to three to 10 years in prison yesterday in Pennsylvania. He was taken directly from the courthouse to jail, and will be transported to prison later this week. His attorneys had asked he be sentenced to house arrest while he prepares an appeal, because he's old and blind, but Judge Steven O'Neill denied the request, saying Cosby could still be a danger to the community, even at 81. Good call, given that about 60 women have alleged he assaulted them.
The entire story is horrible, and so thank heavens Cosby's publicist, Andrew Wyatt, managed to make a complete ass of himself to offset all the awfulness. It's not much, but we'll take it.
Twelve Rapey Men: A Preview Of Tomorrow's Brett Kavanaugh Shitshow!
Get it? Because there are 11 GOP men on the Senate Judiciary Committee, and there is one Brett Kavanaugh! 11+1 =12!!!!!
Greetings, America! Tomorrow, September 27, 2018, is going to be a SHITSHOW.
We don't know exactly how it's going to go down, because this is Trump's America, and plans are subject to grab themselves by the pussy or otherwise change, but right now, we are anticipating testimony in the Senate Judiciary Committee from Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, who says SCOTUS nominee Brett Kavanaugh tried to rape her when they were in high school, and also from Judge Maybe Rapey himself.
After that, because the 11 GOP dicks on the Judiciary Committee anticipate that nothing will ever stop them from protecting Kavanaugh, even if he turns out to be a full-blown rapist, committee chair Chuck Grassley has issued notice that they might just go ahead and try to vote Kavanaugh out of committee on Friday. And if that works out, maybe the Senate can vote on Tuesday, just like Mitch McConnell wants! And if that means they have to put a sexual predator on the Supreme Court, well, they did that with Clarence Thomas and also PSSSSSST there is one in the White House, so NO BIGGIE.
Everything's totally normal, in other words!
Here's what we know so far about how tomorrow will go down, assuming it goes down:
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