Sean Hannity Warns America Of Killer Weed Threat
Purity Hero Sean Hannity took to the radio airwaves Tuesday to alert America to this profound insight:marijuana will kill you dead! As proof, Hannity offers a genuinely sad story from Colorado, about the 19-year-old who jumped off a 4th-floor balcony after eating a friend's marijuana cookie.
The autopsy listed marijuana intoxication as a significant contributing factor in the death of 19-year-old Levi Thamba Pongi, a native of the Republic of Congo, who fell from a balcony.
One of Hannity's guests tried to point out that "significant contributing factor" is different from "sole cause," but Hannity knew better: "In other words, he was stoned out of his mind!"
All this brilliance was prefaced by Hannity's worries about other victims of pot, like innocent children “getting into their parents’ pot-laced goodies -- because they have, I guess, pot candy and pot brownies and pot this and pot that.” And as that one guest (whose name doesn't appear on the Hannity website -- apparently there have been no guests in 2014) said, yes, it makes sense that if you're going to have legal pot, you don't just leave the stuff out where the kids can get into it: “Drugs are like alcohol and guns and they need to be put away in a safe place.” Oddly, we don't know of any stories where Hannity concluded that guns need to be banned after a kid got their hands on one with disastrous results.
Hannity's other guest, on the other hand, was much more sympathetic to his position, saying that she's "read about people dying already from smoking too much pot and then falling.” Even worse, Hannity intoned, "There was a case of a dog that OD’d from pot!" The pro-pot guest soberly agreed that "anybody who murders a dog should go to jail forever," and that, yes, if people irresponsibly leave their intoxicating adult stuff around where their kids get into it, they are bad parents and should be prosecuted for endangering their kids.
The recording cuts off just as the anti-pot guest starts warming up on her theory that marijuana legalization is just a ploy to distract us from the serious issues like "people losing their healthcare" and presumably, Benghazi.
Yr Wonkette has already reported on just how deadly weed candy can almost be, so we are sympathetic to people who have had bad experiences -- on the other hand, despite the fact that alcohol can actually poison people to death, and does, at plenty of frat parties, booze remains legal.
But the real lesson is obvious: Weed kills, and must be prohibited. Alcohol, on the other hand, should be enjoyed responsibly, and guns, needless to say, are in the Constitution for a very good reason: So you can protect yourself from roving bands of weed-crazed youths.
Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He never touches the stuff, himself.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.