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Can somebody please run over to the White House real fast and make sure Donald Trump isn't locking Sean Spicer in the basement in the dark 24 hours a day, except for when he's doing his off-camera briefings? Does Trump heave Spicer down into a dungeon and ignore him at all times, except to throw down a brick of cinnamon gum every couple of hours? Because that is the only explanation for what Spicer said during Monday's off-camera briefing, about Trump Junior's Russian Collusion Conspiracy Crime Meeting with the Russians:

During an off-camera briefing with reporters, Spicer claimed that “the president has made it clear through his tweet, and there was nothing as far as we know that would lead anyone to believe that there was anything except for a discussion about adoption,” referring to the original reason Trump Jr. gave for meeting with Russian lawyer Natalia Veselnitskaya.

Um.

So.

Did Sean Spicer read Fuckstump Junior's emails, the ones he TWEETED FROM HIS PERSONAL ACCOUNT, where he was all "I LOVE IT!" when presented with the idea of inviting some Russians into his private spaces, to share conspiracy dirt about Hillary Clinton?

Did Sean Spicer watch Fiddledick J. Trump II on Sean Hannity that night, where he admitted how disappointed he was that the foreign Russians promised him the sickest "oppo research" on Hillary, but he (allegedly) didn't get it?

Does Sean Spicer subscribe to Daddy Trump on Twitter?

Did Spicer not see Trump in Paris last week, when he said Junior is a very good little boy, and, similar to the tweet pasted above, he said everybody would have taken that Russian conspiracy crime meeting?

Was Sean Spicer dead last week, but has miraculously risen from the dead, like a common Son Of Man?

Did Spicer masturbate himself into a week-long coma and miss all the breaking news? If so, STOP THAT, SEAN SPICER, everything in moderation, bro!

Again, did he not see Junior's emails? BUT HIS EMAILS, SEAN SPICER, BUT HIS EMAILS, BUT HIS EMAILS, BUT HIS EMAILS!

Man, we'd LOL right in Sean Spicer's face if the Trump administration wasn't full of pussies who are scared to face the press and the American people on camera.

Or maybe it's the thing Steve Bannon said, and Spicer's not doing on-camera briefings due to how he's bigger than a common 400 pound New Jersey election hacker these days.

Whatever, here's an open thread, for you to talk to each other, or not talk to each other. Your choice.

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[Huffington Post]

 

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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