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Secret Service Hooker Investigator Canned, You Will Never Guess Why Just Kidding

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Remember when the Secret Servicecouldn't stop visiting prostitutes, and then some poor kid from the White House advance team couldn't stop visiting prostitutes, and it was obviously Obama's fault coverupbenghaziworsethanwatergate? Of course you do, that is all you read about on yr Wonkette. Well, the Department of Homeland Security investigated all those happy endings, and you will never guess what happened to the dude who was doing the investigation, just kidding, of course you will:


The investigator who led the Department of Homeland Security’s internal review of the Secret Service’s 2012 prostitution scandal quietly resigned in August after he was implicated in his own incident involving a prostitute, according to current and former department officials.

So, just another day, obviously, and anyone who would put a Miami guy in charge of a prostie investigation would probably put Scarface in charge of this giant pile of cocaine.

So what kind of guy is this David Nieland?

In 2013, according to department officials, Mr. Nieland accused the inspector general’s office of retaliating against him for making those allegations when it suspended him for two weeks without pay after he circulated photographs that he had taken of a female intern’s feet.

He seems gross!

But what were "those allegations," and did we skip over them to get to the intern feet? We did! We will get to that, still, but first this because it is hilarious:

When deputies in Florida stopped Mr. Nieland last May after seeing him leave the building they had under surveillance, he showed them a badge, officials said, and told them that he was part of an undercover human trafficking operation with agents from the Department of Homeland Security.

Mr. Nieland then reported to officials in the inspector general’s office that he had been stopped by the police because of a broken tailgate light. Those officials contacted the sheriff’s office, which told them he had said he was working on an investigation.

Oh, dude's just a total liar, got it. Tell us, NYT, was this the same guy who accused the Obama White House of "retaliating" against him for trying to expose their tawdry advance boy paying for some strange in Cartagena, where it is legal, when said young advance boy was not actually responsible for the president's safety so who fucking cares? And was he Jason Chaffetz's star witness?

In recent months, congressional Republicans have cited Mr. Nieland’s statement as evidence that the White House mishandled its investigation of the Cartagena incident. Representative Jason Chaffetz, Republican of Utah, said in an Oct. 3 letter to the White House that he was concerned that Secret Service agents who were caught with prostitutes were “used as scapegoats to cover up what is potentially a broader problem.”

“Recently, I have received information from credible sources that records also identified a White House staff person as checking in a female foreign national as an overnight guest during the same trip and that steps were taken by the administration to cover up or deflect their involvement in the initial incident,” he said.

Occam's Razor states that we must first ascribe the simplest answer to this big ol' web of accusations and counter accusations, and that simplest answer is obviously, "David Nieland exposed the Obama administration's feckless coverup of that 25-year-old kid getting it wet with a hooker where it was legal, so they forced David Nieland to circulate pictures of intern feet and then told him to go investigate a hooker in Broward County and then when sheriffs were like hey why are you visiting this hooker, sir, the White House denied they'd sent him there and then paid a hooker to say she banged him for money." Total frameup. Obvs. Obviously.

[NYT]

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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