Memorial Day 2020: Let The Summer Of COVID-19 Begin!

Stay inside, stay healthy, order takeout.

It's Memorial Day! Donald Trump has no doubt said or done something terrible, but let's just forget about him for one day like Melania probably does every night. If you've a brain in your head and a human soul in your possession, you have no plans worth sharing. You're aren't taking part in Zombie COVID-19 parades on Maryland boardwalks or other highly contagious, public spaces. You aren't soaking in coronavirus at Missouri's Lake of the Ozarks, which is a real place. You're at home and you're so bored your sanity's in question. That is true patriotism worthy of the holiday.

Later today, you might grill a hamburger or two in your backyard. Maybe invite some friends and family over on Zoom if they remember to bring the watermelon. Then you'll wonder why your dried-out bricks on stale, oversized buns don't look anywhere near as appetizing as what “burger scholar" George Motz serves up on YouTube.

A Burger Scholar Breaks Down Classic Regional Burger Styles | The Burger Show

OMG! I'm want to deep fry a burger Tennessee-style. This is what 2020 has done to me. On the other hand, I recently fucked up one of our stainless steel pots making french fries because I forgot we owned a dutch oven, so why don't we all just save ourselves the hassle and potential catastrophe and order takeout from a local restaurant that could use our help right now. This is the year to cater your cookout.

Memorial Day weekend is normally a big time for movies, usually blockbusters that are big, dumb, and expensive, which is truly the American way. Last year, everyone saw the live-action Alladdin yet no one thought to wish for a plague-free 2020. It was a tragic lack of foresight. But the Internet is streaming free goodies for stay-at-home viewing. Charge yourself $20 for the popcorn you made yourself and watch Gillian Anderson and Vanessa Kirby in the 2016 Young Vic production of A Streetcar Named Desire, one of my favorite plays because I'm secretly Tennessee Williams. It's available until May 28 and is worth a watch.

I should point out that neither Anderson nor Kirby are Southern (they rarely seem to cast Southern women as Blanche and Stella). Nor do they sound like they learned English in the same household. However, Kirby at least pronounces New Orleans “New Or-LONS" and not “New Or-LEENS" like Anderson does. This Southerner is willing to look the other way, though. We're in quarantine.

Official Young Vic's A Streetcar Named Desire w/ Gillian Anderson | Free National Theatre Live Play

Memorial Day weekend holds a special meaning for me personally because that's when my wife and I met in 2007. We all honor her sacrifice and service to her nation. Our actual anniversary is Halloween because of course it is, but we usually made a point of celebrating around Memorial Day, even going so far as to leave the house. This is the first year we've not done anything personally exciting, but we're content that we're helping keep people alive. That's something.

This year, we'll just fondly remember this bottle of wine we had during our trip to Paris in 2009. It's from 1985 and it's dusty!

Now go order some burgers and stay safe. This is now your open thread!

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HHS Secretary Alex Azar Is Very Bad At This

It's Your Sunday Rundown!

It's another week in our Mad-Max-starter-kit world, and it's time to check-in on this week's Sunday show stupidity -- mainly on CNN's "State Of The Union" with Jake Tapper and Health and Human Services (HHS) Secretary Alex Azar.

Jake Tapper to Alex Azar: Why was the US hit harder by coronavirus?

Tapper began by asking Azar about people returning to crowded places, and refusing to social distance or wear masks for "freedom," as fears of a surge of new cases rise. Azar answered this in a way that suggests he's setting the stage to blame the sick for their lot in regards to COVID-19:

AZAR: I think, in any individual instance, you're going to see people doing things that are irresponsible. That's part of the freedom that we have here in America. We can give guidance, as the surgeon general did. Part of this is going to be, if you're in crowded areas, and if you're in an area that has ongoing spread of community -- community spread of disease, there are steps you should take.

See, the problem with that answer is the same as the problem with anti-vaxxers: They are making personal health decisions that affect the community. If these conservative fuckheads wanted to spread COVID only between themselves to enjoy Golden Corral buffets again, no one would care. But the problem is, they have to interact with the rest of society and potentially spread this to people who have been responsible citizens. The "personal responsibility" crowd never wants to take responsibility for the consequences of their choices, but this time it could literally be the death of us all.

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Happy Graduation Day! Let's Watch Obama's Multiple Commencement Addresses Together!

The man's got a busy day today!

Happy Graduation Day!

Lots of people across the US are pretty bummed that they won't get to walk across a stage or see their kids or other loved ones walk across a stage to graduate from high school or college this year because of the pandemic. But there are some bright sides here. One being that no one who is not an owl looks good in those hats anyway, and the other being that many of them get are getting a very special commencement address today from none other than President Barack Obama himself.

Yeah, no one asked Trump.

President Obama is way into giving commencement addresses. There are like 40,000 videos of him giving commencement addresses on YouTube. He loves them so much that he is doing two of them today and then another one on June 6th. Most people, you know, they'd go "OK, I will just do one graduation speech for everyone in the whole country who is graduating this year and call it a day." But not Obama! Clearly, he's not worried about running out of material.

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Just What You Wanted For Mother's Day, Some White House Idiots Talking About Coronavirus!

It's your Sunday Shows Rundown!

I hope everyone had as lovely a Mother's Day one could safely have during a pandemic! While most were sending gifts, remotely video-calling our mothers or (in the case of a restaurant in Colorado) trying to reduce the chances of having to spring for flowers next year, the Sunday political shows still go on. So we begin with White House Economic Advisor and Bizarro World Nostradamus, Larry Kudlow.

Appearing on ABC's "This Week" with George Stephanopolous, Kudlow was asked a question about what precautions will the White House take now that three people INSIDE the White House tested positive for COVID-19.

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