Throw something on the grill and enjoy!
Memorial Day honors military personnel who have died in the service to the United States. It's not a time when you'd dare take a knee during the National Anthem or kiss up to the troops just days after blocking an investigation into a domestic attack on the Capitol. But Republicans are gonna do the last one anyway because they all had their shame removed on an outpatient basis.
House Rep. Conor Lamb from Pennsylvania preemptively suggested that the GOP sedition caucus go stuff it.
Monday is Memorial Day. As a veteran, I’d like to ask that these 35 Senators just stay home. No more BS speeches… https://t.co/glBFzHrR5f— Conor Lamb (@Conor Lamb) 1622221746.0
Monday is Memorial Day. As a veteran, I'd like to ask that these 35 Senators just stay home. No more BS speeches about those who gave their lives.
The mother of a veteran who gave his life just begged for your vote, & you turned your back on her & all of us.
More than a year has passed since the start of the pandemic, and this Memorial Day, we can leave the house and share the same air as other sensibly vaccinated people. But we shouldn't forget the almost 600,000 people who've died from COVID-19. They weren't in uniform, but they were drafted into this invisible war so Americans could remain free from science, mask mandates, and the most basic societal obligations to others.
During a speech in March in recognition of the pandemic's first anniversary (traditionally commemorated with paper), President Joe Biden suggested that if we all do our part together, as a nation, we might be able to safely gather outside with our loved ones and even our family members for a Fourth of July cookout or barbecue. National Review editor Rick Lowry couldn't resist gloating over how Uncle Joe had failed the country by delivering on his promise a month early. Maybe Lowry is the one who's old and confused.
Vaccination rates are up and new COVID-19 cases are down, despite the best efforts of rightwing conspiracy theorists who host Fox News programs or serve in Congress, so last week, Rochelle Walensky, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, gave the thumb's up for a more laidback Memorial Day.
"If you're vaccinated, go enjoy your Memorial Day weekend. Certainly you — we've all been longing for some time away, some time to do the things we love with the people we love," Walensky said at an event with the U.S. Chamber of Commerce on Thursday.
"And if you're not vaccinated, give yourself a gift this holiday weekend and get vaccinated so you can protect yourself, your family and your entire community."
Walensky sounds pretty excited about the holiday. You just know she's going to show up at the cookout with the good pasta salad, like this one my girl Alison Roman makes.
That's right. She put capers in that motherfucker. I love Alison Roman.
There's gotta be some bad news, Republicans are likely wondering. Well, gas prices are the highest they've been since 2014, and while that's likely a result of increased demand because we can travel again, Republicans are already declaring this the Summer of Jimmy Carter. They're desperate for every Democratic president to wind up like Carter, a respected humanitarian who doesn't incite attacks on the US Capitol. Gas prices could rise as as high as $3.25 per gallon during the summer, which is still better than they were in 2012 when my wife and I took our big cross-country road trip.
Tom Kloza, global head of energy analysis at the Oil Price Information Service, anticipates that gas prices will hover around $3 per gallon until the Fourth of July. In the mean time, if filling up the tank is too expensive, you can always stay home and binge watch movies. Good Housekeeping has a list of the 25 Best Memorial Day movies to watch over the holiday. They include Apocalypse Now, some garbage from John Wayne, and Top Gun. I suppose we all mourned when Goose died.
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Here is your presumably 10th rendition of Mi Mamacita Communista, or Things My Mother Taught Me, which I first wrote for May Day 2008, shortly before the country found its mind and elected the smart nice Black guy, and started serializing I guess in 2012, when I bought this joint. Some different things have happened since then! I no longer think Stalin was hilarious, and it turns out Daniel Ortega is not that awesome of a Nicaraguan president, so that's upsetting. But after last year's rendition featured "global pandemic" and "President Trump," well, once again the country has found its mind. It only ever takes absolute world-on-fire catastrophe to set a slim majority straight.
And the things, they are getting better. A weekend — 17 weekends? — ago, I went to Detroit for my little brother's college graduation from U of M. At some point, my hard Berner brother looked at me, and with a Tucker Carlson golden retriever face, asked, unprompted: "Becca: Joe Biden .... GOOD????"
So far, God willing and the creek don't rise.
Love your mother — and your brother.
And so today is May Day! We can have — or heave! — a cocktail for the working man. We can put on Our Marching Zapatos of Ocupado Justice! We can do lots and loads of things! But me, I'm missing mi mamacita communista. She didn't die or anything, she just retired and moved back to Oklahoma, where they still (unaccountably) haven't burned her for a witch.
These are things my mother taught me.
* The dog can drink out of the pool.
* It's best if the babies are naked.
* Protesting is fun! Marching is better!
* It is our patriotic duty to cuss loud and creatively. Lenny Bruce wants us to stick it to the squares. For America. And the children.
* Good names for America's pets and children include Rosie, Emma, Fidel and Diego, and any of her children who don't comply will have their kids' and pets' names changed unilaterally. Rodents should be named after baked goods.
* The best name for getting arrested under while demonstrating is Emma Goldman.
* Good places to get arrested are the Nevada Test Site, Diablo Canyon, and the mean streets of Thousand Oaks, California, during Gulf War 1.
* Bad places to get arrested are on warrants for failure to appear.
* All the words to "Union Maid."
* Contra Barbara Ehrenreich, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a lady to clean your house. You just have to pay her three times the going rate, and you may not use the sort of slave agency that can afford to advertise in the Yellow Pages. You must find a lady via reference or supermarket bulletin board.
* C-Span is a joy and a privilege.
*Do not stand around doing nothing if someone else is working. This applies equally to camp-outs and the lady cleaning your house.
* High levels of wealth may be forgiven if they are spent on cliffside or canyon Modernist homes.
* How to make freeway offramp banners out of bed sheets and shelf liners.
* How to choose a losing candidate.
* The names of a high proportion of local flowers and trees.
* The "Hail Mary."
* The "Our Father."
* Liberation Theology.
* All 15 stanzas of "The Cremation of Sam McGee."
* There's no need to hold a grudge for more than a couple of hours, unless your friend is 100 percent right and you are 100 percent wrong, in which case you may stay angry for the next 15 years.
* Blame America first!
* Un pueblo unido … can never be divided!
* I should not wear whore shoes. (She finally gave up on that.)
* Good places to pick fights are at parties and in line at the grocery store.
* There is never an inappropriate time to talk politics.
* DO NOT fail to appear.
* Fun fact! Ronald Wilson Reagan = 666
* George H.W. Bush: Not much better!
* Also, April Glaspie totally told Saddam we didn't care if he went into Kuwait.
* Seriously, that whole war was based on LIES.
* You know, as opposed to this last one.
* I would regret my Nader vote like she regretted hers for Eldridge Cleaver.
* Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good.
* No, really, I am not allowed to vote for Ralph Nader.
* WHAT DID SHE TELL ME!
* Read "Catch-22." A good place to do this is on the sand at Hermosa Beach in 1966.
* Read "Let's Eat Right to Keep Fit."
* Read Mother Jones and the Utne Reader.
* Read "A Prayer For Owen Meany."
* Read Evelyn Waugh and the sainted Miss Ivins.
* Erma Bombeck was funny too. No, really, she was!
* Read Eda LeShan, and take her childrearing tips to heart. Forgive yourself if you snap and smack your kid, but it's a lot better to do it because you're out of control than if it's in-control and premeditated. Also, kiss your husband or wife before your kids when you get home from work, because the best thing you could possibly give your kids is parents who are happy and in love.
* Read e.e. cummings, Bukowski, and Thompson. The best way to do this is out loud at the dinner table. Also, the scene in "Tracks" where someone takes a shit on Louise Erdrich's pillow.
* Reading trashy romance novels is giving me a skewed vision of life, and I will never marry and will always be sad.
* I should marry an ugly guy. He will love me.
* I should do my son's homework for him but make him watch. Eventually he will pick it up by osmosis.
* It is better to have a kid who cusses than a little prig who goes "ooooh I'm telling" when someone else does.
* If you don't take your kids to parties and restaurants and concerts and galleries and city council meetings, you are loosing an idiot on the world.
* That entails making them behave. Princes and princesses reflect badly. On YOU.
* A little violence never hurt anybody, so there's no reason not to take a three-year-old to see Lethal Weapon 4.
* Weed will save you from alcoholism.
* There will come a day when I no longer look cute on a barstool.
* How to make a martini.
* How to clean a kitchen.
* How to do all her phone-treeing for the Democratic Club meeting.
* How to use chopsticks.
* Water is life.
* My plants are screaming in anguish.
* If I don't water my plants, she is going to take them away, because I do not deserve to own plants.
* Also, my dog.
* And my son.
* Whom she will rename Fidel.
* Both of them.
* If people start with their overwrought bitching about STALIN! And 20 MILLION DEAD! don't bother to respond about the Butcher of Santiago making Chile safe for capitalism, and our complicity in the Disappeared, or about any of our other complicities (even Iraq). Just point and laugh.
* The Contras really shouldn't have raped those nuns.
* Roberto D'Aubuisson really shouldn't have assassinated Archbishop Romero and Che.
* Ronald Reagan really shouldn't have committed treason by sending George Bush pere to Paris before he was elected to promise the Iranians missiles should they be kind enough to keep our hostages just a little bit longer.
*No, Ollie North did not look "sexy" in his uniform, Jesus Christ.
* Viva Sandino!
* Viva Chavez!
* Viva Fidel!
* It's okay, I can love Jimmy Carter if I want.
* Too bad about Ronald Reagan's treason and all.
* How to pronounce "primer," as in a schoolbook: short i.
* How to pronounce "mauve": long o.
* There are UFOs in Topanga.
* Just because you are driving a crappy old Geo Metro does not mean you are friendless, as the crabby cop who kicks your 57-year-old schoolteacher ass will discover when the former head of Amnesty International and the legal director of the ACLU takes your case.
* The Southern California ACLU got its start in San Pedro, after Upton Sinclair got arrested for reading the First Amendment out loud on Liberty Hill.
* Serious people don't care if a boycott's "over" or "doesn't exist."
* Brown rice, not white.
* If you love Martin Luther King in 1961 Oklahoma, boys in your high school will threaten to "make you dead."
* Down with Whitey.
* And the Man.
* And most women too!
* When your kid has to write an essay on What the Flag Means to Him, and you are writing it for him just like she told you to, be sure to include The Right To Burn It.
* Why are you leaving out the best part?
* She knew you were going to leave out the best part.
* Love your mother.
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Sex jam of the summer right here.
Rightwing Project Veritas dildo lube boat idiot James O'Keefe has been going through a thing lately.
He got perma-banned from Twitter. (They had already perma-banned Project Veritas a couple months back.) He said it was because he EXPOSED CNN. Twitter said it was because of all the lying and fake accounts. He said he is going to SUE TWITTER for all the DEFAMES! Twitter shook in its boots. He's also suing CNN for something or another, we don't know.
Yesterday saw what we guess is the REAL opening salvo in O'Keefe's new war against Twitter and also the WORLD.
Project Veritas said Monday it will launch a legal arm aimed at fighting defamation by media outlets with the release of a music video featuring the dance moves of founder James O'Keefe.
Yep, that's how most prominent law firms start. Music video, dance moves, etc.
The guerrilla journalism outfit posted the announcement on YouTube with a video showing Mr. O'Keefe and a troupe of skilled dancers performing to an original song called "Oligarchy," calling it an "anthem for everyone who has ever been DEFAMED."
Skilled dancers, you say? We didn't know there'd be skilled dancers!
"Veritas launches PV LEGAL — will represent others who've been lied about and can't defend themselves," said the organization. "If you have been defamed, email: Pvlegal@projectveritas.com."
Plz send your defamation claim, and also a brief TikTok showing your latest rhythmic sexxx moves, and somebody will be in touch!
So yeah, you're going to want to see this video. It is ... well, if you've ever slid off your chair thinking about James O'Keefe wearing a t-shirt and sunglasses and dancing to a Prince knock-off, today's your lucky fucky day.
It's a parody of Prince's iconic song "Controversy," and it's not terrible, in that O'Keefe and his sexy music troupe didn't try to reinvent the wheel and add their own musical flourishes to what Prince already created, God rest his soul.
Here are some song lyrics, courtesy of the Washington Times, which is writing about this like it's serious:
"Twitter, CNN, Zuck is working with Dorsey," and "Do you print lies? Does Dean Baquet cry?" and "Some people want likes instead of being free."
Can't have a sexxx song without a Dean Baquet reference, that's what we always say.
Is it tacky to do this two weeks after the five-year anniversary of Prince's death? Yes, obviously, but nobody involved in any kind of music or pop culture, and nobody who has ever had hot sex to Prince's music, is likely to just stumble across it in the wild.
Wingnut conspiracy theorist blue-check weirdo Jack Posobiec announced the summer's hottest SEXXX JAM yesterday on Twitter:
James O’Keefe Presents: “OLIGARCHY” A music video for everyone who has been DEFAMED Veritas launches PV LEGAL --… https://t.co/TTigkiwJ2D— Jack Posobiec (@Jack Posobiec)1620061249.0
And almost immediately, TONS of accounts of people we assume are very real and very legal and very cool started tweeting the video, with the exact same verbiage Posobiec used. Seriously, it was immediate, and it's still happening up to this minute. Every time we have searched Twitter for "James O'Keefe" since the song of the summer debuted yesterday, this is what we've seen:
Hundreds of 'em, just like that.
By which we obviously mean that James O'Keefe's sexual sexxx single "Oligarchy" is SWEEPING THE NATION!
At press time, Twitter was still shaking in its boots, not only because of fear, but also because of the orgasmic musical stylings of James O'Keefe.
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If you happen to have some extra money right now, we would take it.
This is a self-care post.
Quick follow-up on a story we told you about last week, of the very mean and terrible letter GOP Rep. Adam Kinzinger's cousins sent him to let him know he is DISOWNED and BAD for turning his back on their one true lord and savior Donald Trump. It was handwritten, in a font called Extreme Grandma Cursive, and it revealed that God (the letter underlined things a whole lot) was VERY DISAPPOINTED in Kinzinger, because in denying Trump like a common Peter denying Christ, Kinzinger had "joined the 'devil's army' believing in abortion." (He is anti-abortion. It's one of the actual problems with him.)
So, so sad! the letter wailed. Kinzinger had not only lost the respect of God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, but also Tucker Carlson and Lou Dobbs and Greg Kelly and Laura Ingraham and Sean Hannity and Mark Levin and (now dead) Rush Limbaugh!
We headlined our story "Sorry about your family, Adam Kinzinger," not only because we received a similar letter one time from a family member, but also because we thought it was really exemplary of what's happening in lots of families these days. It didn't start with Donald Trump waddling down that escalator in 2015 and declaring war on America, but that was an inflection point. Some might argue it started with Fox News poisoning an entire generation of white conservatives' brains. Some might say it started even before that, with the onset of Rush Limbaugh (who is still dead), which generally coincided with when the batshit campaign to rebrand the Clintons as murderous fraud tyrants metastasized out of Arkansas and onto a national stage.
Anyway, Kinzinger went on CNN this morning, and said he's glad y'all got to read his cousins' letter, though he was not the one who leaked it. We figured he had, but he says actually the New York Times got it because one of his cousins sent it to "so many people out of so much anger" that eventually it just wound its way there. Oh, the perils of copy/pasting literally everyone on your Extreme Grandma Cursive screeds!
In the interview, Kinzinger gave some good advice, we think, to people who might be experiencing similar things in these heady times of seemingly sane people becoming brainwashed into the cults of Fox News, Trump, and now even more batshit stuff like QAnon.
Kinzinger says he's "glad" the angry letter from his family over Trump impeachment came out because "people need to… https://t.co/ACyoMU5VTl— TPM Livewire (@TPM Livewire)1614085588.0
KINZINGER: I'm glad the letter came out, because I think people need to see, if you haven't experienced that division in your family, this is the best example of it. So look, I hold nothing against them, I mean, maybe someday I'll have to look back and do some more forgiveness in my heart, but I don't feel it right now. I just have no desire to really reach out and repair it, that's up to them!
If you know what he's talking about, you know.
We don't agree with Kinzinger on much, obviously -- just look at his voting record -- but he was one of only 10 Republicans in the House to vote for Donald Trump's impeachment for literally inciting a domestic terrorist attack on America. That means something in these times, that he's one of 10 left in that caucus who can arguably be called patriots. And he's got some real garbage-ass family members whose worship of Trump clearly outweighs any love they ever had for him, even though he's a dirty Republican just like them.
So fuck 'em. It's on them.
That's good advice to follow, if you have real garbage-ass family members who act like that toward you.
This has been a self-care post, by Wonkette.
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