Donate
Featured

Sunday Bloody Mary Sunday

Easy breezy beautiful recipe hub!

Some time ago, on our way home to Montana from Mexico Winter Birthday Fun, we stopped over in Denver just in time for the ice blizzard, and they put us on the bad plane. Then they put us on the other bad plane. Then I made the executive decision we were taking a cab to the nicest hotel in Denver, whatever it might be. And it was.

The Oxford Hotel's attached restaurant, Urban Farmer, was extraordinary. More importantly, when we went back the next morning for the partly-comped breakfast, it had a Bloody Mary bar that stretched over probably eight feet of counter. I had never encountered such a thing! Candied ... bacon, you say? WHAT EVEN IS THAT? I am about to tell you. Having a Bloody Mary Bar brunch like the Urban Farmer did was my new #goals.

Keep reading...
Media/Entertainment

Night Fever Night Fever You Know How To Do It

I just realized we didn't have a post ready to go for the hearing break!

What up suckers? After the site was down all morning just in time for Wonkette Christmas, I just realized we forgot to write anything for the break! So REAL QUICK here are some new t-shirts Shy made you!

Here is a link to your IMPEACHMENT FEVER t-shirts for men or ladies,



and here is a link to IMPEACHMENT FEVER t-shirts for men and ladies, WITHOUT TRUMP's gross face on them!

So buy those, and also use this as a place to jaw and natter and do what you'd do if this were an open thread!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Self-care

GET UP IDIOTS IT'S TIME FOR A ELECTION

HEY! IT'S TIME! GET UP GET UP GET UP GET UP!

Oh look it is the alarm clock on our extremely fragile democracy and after three years of hitting the snooze button it is time to LEAP OUT OF BED and GET YOUR ASS TO ... well, the couch is a good first step. We can try "outside" after we've been sitting upright a while.

That's right the election is a year from yesterday, or that is what the internet has told me and I THINK that was today but who even knows, time is melted. That fucker broke time.

Keep reading...
Impeachment

If You Don’t Stop And Look Around, You Might Miss The Impeachment. Your Sunday Show Rundown!

When the best you've got defending you on the Sunday shows is Ron Johnson and Jim Jordan, your prospects are not looking good.

The long-awaited Trump impeachment is speeding up! Mark Zaid, one of the attorneys for the Ukrainium One whistleblower, has stated he is now representing " multiple whistleblowers. The announcement of a second whistleblower -- the second intel whistleblower, on top of the IRS whistleblower who already existed, and who is being described as "an intelligence official with first-hand knowledge" (NOT "hearsay," Lindsey Graham!) of some of the allegations outlined in the original complaint, threw a wrench on ALL the talking points of Trump's ardent defenders, to the point that nobody from the White House even showed up for the Sunday shows. But a couple of idiots from Congress did!

It was perhaps most difficult this week for GOP Senator Ron Johnson of Wisconsin. Appearing on NBC's "Meet The Press," OshKosh M'Gosh Johnson was asked about what he told the Wall Street Journal about how EU Ambassador Gordon Sondland told him Trump was doing quid pro quos with Ukraine and basically extorting the nation for electoral assistance in exchange, but don't worry, Donald Trump told him that's a damn lie and Donald Trump always tells the truth.

It did not go well for Johnson.

Keep reading...
Recipe Hub

BALL QUEEN.

This one's staying here a while to convince you to SEND MONEY FOR ME TO HIRE THE #BEBEST PEOPLE! Scroll down for more stories!

First some wonderful news! I have asked (and they have accepted) Robyn and SER (Stephen Robinson) to come to work full-time starting in January. Do I have the money (about an extra $6k a month for full-time plus 100 percent paid healthcare) to hire them yet? No. Will I? Yes. Because I know, in my crusty shriveled heart, that we can get another 1000 of you to sign up for a recurring donation because of how this is the place you always go first when big news breaks, and then again half an hour later, and then again half an hour after that, to see if we have SPLAINED IT YOU YET. (Give it another 10 minutes, we're pic'ing and tagging!) Also, that thing you're always telling me about "keeping [you] sane, 'for the most part.'" You say it a lot!

If you are not already, and you are at all able, we hope you will click the clickie, choose an amount, click "paypal" or "credit cards" and WHOOSH, you are OUR HERO!!!!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

NOW. I HAVE PROMISED YOU BALLS.

Yesterday was Old Dad's 81st birthday, which means I MADE BALLS and Shy took HOT PIXXX and then we ATE THE BALLS. They were, as usual, pretty fuckin' good. They were also, as usual, a little bit of a pain in the ass. This is not a weeknight balls recipe. This is like twice a year for people you love and put balls on.

Keep reading...
Culture Wars

Rudy Giuliani Took 'Blue' Anniversary of 9/11 A Little Too Literally

Here's a video that is bullshit!

September 11th, 2001 was a day that forever changed the course of history. It started a war we are still waging (Afghanistan), created new government departments (DHS, ICE), gave the government wide authorizations to violate privacy (Patriot Act), and created the security theater we all perform every time we want to go on a flight. (Because somehow a 16 ounce bottle of shampoo is bad, but two eight ounce bottles next to each other is cool. It's just science!) And as each year has passed, we've seen the anniversary of 9/11 cravenly used as a political tool, mostly by Republicans.

There is no better example of this than Trump's personal lawyer, former mayor of New York City and Nosferatu-looking fuckmouth: Rudy Giuliani.

Keep reading...
Everywhere Else News

The 2019 Puerto Rico Governor Hunger Games Have A Winner! (For Now)

Give it a day.

So Puerto Rico has now had three governors (the equivalent of the president in any other country) in a week. Take that, mainland United States Congress!!!

After the Puerto Rico Supreme Court found that Pedro Pierluisi was unconstitutionally sworn-in as governor and told to him vacate La Fortaleza (The Fortress, the name of the governor's mansion in Old San Juan), Wanda Vazquez Garced became the Governor of Puerto Rico. On his way out, Pierluisi released a taped statement that appeared to be filmed in front of a green screen:

Or on the set of Lex Luthor's library in Richard Donner's Superman.

Even had Otis doing sign language!

Keep reading...
Media/Entertainment

Get In Losers, We're Going To Canada

Wonkebago comin' at you, eh?

If you are like us, you have wondered MANY TIMES over the past 30 months what would be the inflection point, to borrow a phrase from Kamala Harris, at which it would be time to FLEEEEEEE. Mine is "when they seize my bank accounts." Not really any going back from there! Luckily, we have a Wonkebago. And Canuck friends? We have YOU!

We haven't felt the itch to run even once since we got our passports, after some State Department fuckery, in the US mail. (They weren't accepting Old Dad's "birth certificate," from "New Jersey," as a form of ID.) But since we've got 'em, and you've been asking, and it's almost time for a working vacation at Shy's family's cabin*, well get out your calendars and your recreational marijuana because Spokane, Seattle, and VANCOUVER CANADA, we are coming to see you ... temporarily. Consider it a dry run.

Keep reading...
News

Chris Wallace Sh*ts All Over Stephen Miller, So That's 'Sad'

It's the Sunday Show Rundown!

El Presidente Trumpito's syphilis-addled brain tweets from last week, when he told four congresswomen of color ("The Squad," Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ilhan Omar, Rashida Tlaib, and Ayanna Pressley) to "go back where you came from," sent Republicans on a weeklong Circe De SuRacists acrobatics to excuse it.

We went from Kellyanne Conway's impromptu Ancestry.com with journalists to racists at a Trump rally chanting "Send Her Back" which Trump basked in before trying to gaslight people into believing he opposed to it only to later follow it with "sorry not sorry" while doubling down. Normally, any sane person would let this die down so the media/news cycle could move on. But norms don't exist, President Fucksquib is not a sane person, and time is a flat circle we are doomed to repeat.

Living these 2 1/2 years really ages you...

Giphy

So early Sunday morning, while probably fast food constipated, Donnie decided to tweet:

So who better to speak about racism than Trump's own Wormtongue, Stephen Miller, on "Fox News Sunday" with Chris Wallace.

Keep reading...
Media/Entertainment

WONKERS, COME OUT TO PLAAAAY-AY!

Everybody come back! Was it something we said?

Of course it wasn't anything we said. We continue to be perfect. But you all have flown away, little birdies, I am guessing for the same reason you turned off the MSNBC: YOU ARE DEPRESSED AS SHIT, MUELLER DIDN'T SAVE US, BILL BARR COVERED UP THE THING (FOR NOW), AND TRUMP IS DECLARING FLAWLESS VICTORY and you have said "ENOUGH. I will turn the news back on next month, or the month after."

Trust me, mama fuckin' GETS IT. We don't want to watch the news either, jerks, but UGH it is our JOB. And after a weekend spent going to the hot spring and then going to the other hot spring when the first hot spring was like "we are fancy now, do you have a reservation that your butler called in?" while Old Dad babysat the Wonkette pre-schooler while we were off on a date to the hot spring and then the other hot spring and NOT watching the news, now we are back, and you know what? Oh MAN it is not over, no matter how many times Glenn Greenwald does his TRUMP INNOCENT peacock tail feather flamenco dance. That guy is weird. He's also

media0.giphy.com

Keep reading...
National Politics

A Sunday Rundown. In Wonkette. Being A Ghost Story Of Christmas

Hello Wonks! Welcome to the Sunday Rundown. With Christmas Eve upon us, I figured it's time for one last good ol' "Christmas Carol" style haunting for the wicked people of the political shows. Can't guarantee that they'll turn a new leaf and help people, but we certainly can make them fear the Christmases yet to come.

We begin with the chair of the House GOP conference and daughter of real life Grinch, Wyoming congressperson Liz Cheney. Appearing on CBS's "Face The Nation" with Margaret Brennan, the daughter with Dick Cheney's dark Sith powers and nepotism was asked about one of the many shortcomings of the Republican Party: Women.

Keep reading...
News

Wanna Feel Good This Morning?

Probably not, knowing you.

This is a terrific story, starting with the white suburban women doing Indivisible and moving on to the young people of color doing amazingly creative voter reg and engagement. It is worth your time for you to CLICK.

Black Voters Matter, a regional network engaging rural black communities in the South, instructs volunteers to knock on every door on the block, not just the ones on the walk list, and bring up local issues rather than stump for a particular candidate. When organizers learned that black parents in Pensacola, Fla., were angry about the lack of minority representation on local school boards, Black Voters Matter urged voters to the polls. Black turnout in the Democratic gubernatorial primary helped deliver the party's nomination to Andrew Gillum, who may become Florida's first black governor. "Once you can get them to turn out, they'll vote for Gillum," says Cliff Albright, co-founder of Black Voters Matter. "But the thing that got them to show up is those local issues."

Sometimes getting attention requires getting creative. Jolt organized a quinceañera at the Texas capitol building in Austin to protest a state immigration law, and has spent the past year hosting monthly parties featuring traditional Latin American food to register Latino students to vote. The goal is to reach people like 21-year-old Henry Aguirre, who was parked near the tacos at the Jolt party in Dallas. Aguirre didn't vote in the 2016 election. Now he's trying to atone for his apathy, registering more than 100 voters since Labor Day. "I feel like I wasn't completely living up to being an American," he says, "because I wasn't voting."

You can donate to Black Voters Matter here and Jolt here. Don't worry about the VoteGoat, Tom Steyer's picked up the tab for that one. And as always, you can click the handy donation widget RIGHT HERE to throw money at the world's greatest website, Wonkette.com. (We are probably just going to send it on to Black Voters Matter or Jolt, or maybe we will use it for nice wine, there is just no way to know.)

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Feminininism

Hey! Let's All Give Ourselves 12 Seconds To Not Think About Sexual Assault Today.

This week has been a lot to deal with.

How are you doing today? Are you drinking enough water? Have you gotten enough sleep? Are you able to step away from your computer or television screen, or at least look at something on your computer or television screen that is not Brett Kavanaugh related? Good! Do that! At least for a little bit.

Keep reading...
News

Wonkette Is Fake News Like Louise Mensch, According To World's Best Fucking Chart

Christ, is it already time for another Wonkette Manifesto?

Have you seen that chart posted above? The very good one? The one that gets posted on your Nana's Facebook all the time, that shows exactly how biased and factual websites are? Of course you've seen that chart! It is a fairly decent chart, with only 174 or so errors! If not, LOOKIT.

Well, bad news, Wonkette has recently been added to it and ... um ... we don't think they actually read Wonkette for long enough to understand what is going on here at this dick joke warblog/mommyblog about recipes and sex that talks about politics sometimes. Do you see where they put us? In that bullshit place to the left of The Intercept and just north of Louise Mensch when it comes to #ScienceFacts? The fuck, bro?

Keep reading...
Featured

A Gentle Reminder: Do You Want Wonkette TO DIE????

Don't answer that if you're gonna be a dick about it.

Hello my loves, it is that time of the month when we remind you that without us YOU WOULD BE DEAD OF CRYING. We know this because you tell us literally every day, "Wonkette, without you I would be dead of crying," when you send us money. BUT! That is only about one percent of you, our readers, who are putting their money where their cryholes are, and WE NEED MORE READERS TO PONY THE FUCK UP. Without money we can not pay our fulltime staff a living wage (and health insurance even!) to call the "president" ever-more-creative versions of "syphilitic," and we could not pay our ever-growing roster of awesome freelancers -- WHOM YOU LOVE -- to bring you news and opinion about all the horrible things in the world, but sort of funny sometimes so you don't kill yourself more than like once a day.

Last month you guys did great; we even had a thousand dollars left over -- which means for the year Wonkette is only down $16,000 -- and $40,000 lifetime -- but don't worry mama consolidated the company credit cards and they'll be paid off in only three years and now there's so much more credit card left to fill up again, so that's ... neat? Fuck it, it's how Trump would do, except for the part where we pay it off. Debt, everyone! It's magical!

We don't want to alarm you, but websites are falling down dead all over the place, because the digital ad industry is loathsome and corrupt. That's why we depend solely on YOU to fund us. Fuck those guys, breaking your browsers and not even paying for the privilege. Let's go from one percent of our readers funding us to 10 percent. Click the donation widget, choose an amount, make it "recurring" if you can, and then CLICK THE PART ON THE BOTTOM where you choose whether to do it via credit card or Paypal. (If you are my mom, you just learned this week that all your $2 tips for Evan NEVER WENT THROUGH because you didn't know to click the payment part. CLICK THE PAYMENT PART.) Hate the internet and want to send a paper check? You can do that at Wonkette, Box 361, Polson MT, 59860. We are working our way through our thank you notes; expect one (MAYBE) in 2019.

Be the change you want to see in Wonkette! Keep us in servers and writers and roadtrips to kiss you and buy you beer! THE BABY NEEDS MORE PEPA PIG TOYS (no she doesn't, but she does need "food"). Have you gone to get your wallet yet? How about now?

DO IT. PRESS THE BUTTON. PRESS IT AGAIN. SEND ALL THE MONEY. VIVA WONKETTE. YOU CAN DO IT. OH MY GOSH YOU JUST DID IT HOORAY!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Didn't that feel delicious? IT DID.

Top 3

I AM BEEKEEPER NOW! By Shypixel

gimme some o' that sweet sweet honey

Hey kids! What did you do this summer? This is the look I get when I'm not really listening, and just waiting for my turn to talk again. So, that is super cool, guess what I did! Yup, that's right, I became a beekeeper! Did you want to hear all about my bees, and their activities, their travails, and the super sweet and sticky goo they poop out? (Bee Fact #1 - Bees do not "poop" out honey, they puke it out of a special stomach called, uncreatively, a honey stomach.) You do, gre... what? Yes, actually, I am going to keep doing that, I don't fucking care if you don't like my Bee Facts. This is Wonkette, I can swear, and I don't have to care about what you think. Now, where was I, oh yeah, ...You do? Great! Let me tell you all about it, in exhaustive detail, replete with photographs and videos! Ladies and Gentlemen, and also you regular Wonkette readers, I give you...

The shyHive

Home on the Prairie

This is it. It ain't much to look at, just a couple of brood frames sitting up on an old Craftsman table saw stand. It lives in the far corner of our acre here at Wonkette World HQ. It sits up on a stand because we get skunks in our yard, and it has a rock on it because we sometimes get high speed winds off of Flathead Lake. But my bees seem to like it. It is their first permanent home.

Keep reading...
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc