How Are We All Doing? Are We OK?

Let's have a check-in!

Hi! Hello! How ya doing? How's tricks? You holding up ok?

We're in the middle of a pandemic right now, and we're all very worried about our physical health. As we should be! But it's also important to take care of our mental wellbeing — and for some of us, this is a really rough time in that way as well. A lot of people aren't used to working from home, and for those who are working from home, living alone and unable to really go anywhere, things can start feeling a little rough. A lot of people have been deemed "essential" and can't stay home and are freaking out about that.

On the bright side, as long as we do this right, we're not going to have to do it for that long. It's a few weeks. We can manage. We can read some books, we can do some puzzles, we can watch some Netflix and we can play some board games. We'll figure it out. We'll be good. But in the meantime, here are some things you can do to help things be easier on yourself and those you care about.

Get Therapized!

This is a tough time for everyone, but it's an especially tough time for anyone with any mental health issues, particularly those of us prone to anxiety and depression. Make sure to check in with yourself, that you're eating properly, sleeping properly, exercising, taking your meds, talking to other people and doing things that take your mind off of this crap.

If you have a therapist that will see you over telemedicine, great. If you don't, but you wanna talk to someone, check out Talkspace or another online counseling site. Talkspace costs $65-$99 a week, for not only video sessions but the ability to message your therapist whenever you've got an issue.

There are also a ton of mental health apps these days, for anxiety, depression, addiction, eating disorders, obsessive compulsive disorder, PTSD, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and more (and they don't all cost money). Some paid apps like Sanvello and Headspace have even released free coronavirus-specific material. Working from home with ADHD is tough (I should know, I've been doing it for years), so if you're having issues with that, there are a whole lot of productivity apps that can help. Although honestly, the main thing I do is run YouTube videos with this ADHD-assisting music in the background while I work. It's weirdly helpful and there are a ton of them.

Stay On The Wagon

This is also a difficult time for people in recovery — stress can be a trigger and obviously in-person meetings are a no go. However! There are tons and tons of online AA, NA, EverythingElseA groups that you can go to while sheltering-in-place.

Check In On Your People!

I have always found that taking care of other people makes me feel a lot better in general. Check in on some old friends, outside of social media. See how they're doing. Actually talk on the phone. I've gotten a few calls from old friends this week and it's been neat. Although, just a word of advice, if you're gonna video call someone, let them know first so that they have a chance to make sure their hair isn't insane.

Especially check in on people who you know might need to talk to someone, and might not have a lot of people around them making sure they're okay.

If you're craving social activity, consider holding a videochat party with some of your friends, or sign up for a social media site like Houseparty that will allow you to do that without having to officially personally invite anyone. Hey! Maybe even some of you Wonkers could get together and have a little party yourselves?

Just In Case

1 (800) 273-8255 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1 (800) 799-7233 National Domestic Violence Hotline
1 (800) 996-6228 Family Violence Helpline
1 (800) 784-2433 National Hopeline Network
1 (800) 366-8288 Self-Harm Hotline
1 (800) 230-7526 Planned Parenthood Hotline
1 (800) 222-1222 American Association of Poison Control Centers
1 (800) 622-2255 Alcoholism & Drug Dependency Hope Line
1 (800) 233-4357 National Crisis Line, Anorexia and Bulimia
1 (888) 843-4564 GLBT Hotline
1 (866) 488-7386 TREVOR Crisis Hotline
1 (800) 221-7044 AIDS Crisis Line
1 (800) 422-4453 The Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline
1 (877) 565-8860 The Trans Lifeline

Hope this is helpful! We love you and we want you to take care of yourselves. Tell us in the comments what you're doing to keep it together in these tough times. And if you're not keeping it together, let someone — let us — know.

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I Am Worried About My Mom

This one stays at the top a while, so NEW POSTS ARE BELOW.

We arrived home from Mexico late Thursday night, after an 18-hour panic attack through two international airports. (Denver International had bright shiny new posters, not even faded, warning against BIRD FLU and MERS. I wish I'd taken some pictures for you, but my hands were full of daughter.) I was in a low-grade panic, because I didn't want to bring coronavirus home to my 81-year-old dad. "Leave it," I told my daughter as she went to return the yellow teething ball the baby in front of us had dropped. "Leave it. Leave it. LEAVE IT!" I had seen so many comforting pictures of empty airports; neither of our airports was like that at all. I think everyone was trying to get home at once after Trump the night before started shutting down travel. But at least we got home before this ...

Thank you for the vacation, dear ones who pay my salary. It was wonderful, until the end.

Friday morning, my mom — this is my mother — got the results of her biopsy and news that her surgeon would be happy to take her breast off this coming Wednesday. She doesn't mind the breast. It will make it easier to shoot arrows, like an amazon. She lives alone, out in the country, on the 13 acres she bought to retire to after she got her then-57-year-old schoolteacher ass kicked by a proud member of the Manhattan Beach PD. She needs me to be with her. And I've just traveled internationally, and there are no tests.

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Italian Tenor Serenades Florence With Lovely Aria About Wanting To Marry A Very Murder-y Princess

Nessun Dorma is a wonderful aria from an incredibly weird opera. Let me tell you about it!

One of the ways Italians have been coping with being quarantined in their homes over the last week has been by singing to one another on their balconies and from their windows. Football songs, patriotic songs, pop songs, folk songs, etc. etc. It is both very lovely and not at all surprising.

Per esempio, here are some lovely people in Naples singing "Abbracciame" by pop singer Andrea Sannino.

Italy Lockdown: Here is Naples singing "Abbracciame" (Hug me) in Lockdown to fill less lonely

I am learning the lyrics just in case I need to start singing this from the condo my parents are renting in Naples, Florida, which I am sure our neighbors would appreciate.

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New 51st Way To Leave Your Lover Revealed! Tabs, Fri., March 13, 2020

Go step on a crack. It won’t make a difference these days.

It's Friday the 13th! We're all too scared to be superstitious. Go walk under a ladder as long as it's six feet away from another person.

The world is shutting down around us -- just in time for area schools to close for the next few few months. Washington Gov. Jay Inslee has asked school superintendents to provide free child care for students whose parents work in the medical field or are first responders. (The Seattle Times)

The Portland, Oregon, teachers union wants schools closed, as well, because it's impossible for educators to distance themselves from students. Unfortunately, for a lot of vulnerable kids, it's only a matter of when not if the schools close. (The Oregonian)

New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo ordered an end to all gatherings of more than 500 people. That closes down Broadway theaters and other performing arts venues, including Carnegie Hall, the New York Philharmonic, and the Metropolitan Opera. The Metropolitan Museum of Art is also closing on Friday. The hit on the tourist economy is significant. Times Square is going to look like the beginning of Vanilla Sky, which (SPOILER) was just a dream. This is a Donald Trump-fueled nightmare. (NPR)

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Joel Osteen Gonna Use Coronavirus To Bring More Souls To The Lord!

And by 'souls' to 'Lord,' we mean 'money' to 'own pocket.' ALLEGEDLY.

Update: Joel Osteen responded to the shaming and bad publicity, and has moved his church's services online. All other shit-talking in this post stands, obviously.

Joel Osteen, pastor of Houston's Lakewood Church megachurch, is a "prosperity gospel" grifter. The televangelist, whose Texas church was once known as the Compaq Center and home of the Houston Rockets NBA Team, has decided "the money show must go on," as they are keeping services going amid a global pandemic.

As reported by TMZ and confirmed by the Lakewood Church website, Osteen had his church open Wednesday night and plans on having the church continue for four more services Saturday and Sunday night. With a seating capacity for 16,800 churchgoers each service and a size of 606,000 square feet, that is a potential of 67,200 moneybags churchgoers being put at risk. With TV shows, concerts, parades, professional and college sports events going without audiences, postponed or cancelled for public health safety as instructed by the CDC & World Health Organization (WHO), it's especially egregious that Osteen would put his flock at risk like this.

But for the likely answer why Joel Osteen is ignoring health warnings and precautions to put his flock and the greater Houston area at risk, we merely have to travel to the wayback time of August 2017. You see, Hurricane Harvey was a Category 4 storm that hit Texas on August 25, 2017. Harvey caused $125 billion in damage, according to the National Hurricane Center. The intense winds and rain caused mass flooding and many in the Houston area had to evacuate to hurricane shelters or makeshift ones made by Good Samaritans like Jim "Mattress Mack" McIngvale, owner of Gallery Furniture, who invited the displaced to shelter in his stores. Many places of worship of all faiths at that time opened their doors to flood victims.

All except Joel Osteen's Lakewood Church, which received heavy criticism and brutal mockery for its decision to close its doors to evacuees, after pushing claims of church flooding that were quickly debunked.

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Maybe Roger Stone Just High On CHRIST, You Dicks

That is probably what it is.

Have you met Roger Stone's personal friend Jesus Christ? He already loves you, even if you don't know it. He wants to meet you. In fact, if you have some time later and don't mind Roger maybe threatening to kill your dog at some point in the conversation if you don't lie to Congress for him in order to protect Donald Trump, Roger might introduce you to his friend, who is Christ.

Stone explained his new convenient friendship saving faith in Jesus on the Axios HBO program, which exists:

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Come Not Watch The State Of The Union With Your Wonkette!

You. can. not. make me.

It has been a fucking week, it is only Tuesday, my eyeballs are about to fall out of my head and roll under the refrigerator, and I am WHINING ALL OVER THE TWITTER about POOR ME and I'M TIRED and THIS IS NEVER GOING TO END and I HAVEN'T STOPPED WORKING BEFORE 11:30 PM IN WEEKS and OH MY GOD THERE'S A DEBATE TO LIVEBLOG FRIDAY NIGHT TOO.

If you think I'm about to watch that choad and his State of the Choad, I have a secret and it is FUCK YOU.

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Screw Sports, Let's All Watch Some 'Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?' Sequels On YouTube!

It's free!

So! There is apparently some kind of sports thing on the television today, if you hadn't heard. I don't plan on watching it, on account of how I don't care. The downside to not caring about the Super Bowl, of course, is that it makes today a very boring day. Everyone you know is probably watching the Super Bowl today, and all of the bars that you might normally go to are also showing the Super Bowl today.


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Oh Yeah Sh*t's Getting Real

Looks like it's time for The Talk again!

I keep thinking about dominance, and not in the sex way :(

I keep thinking about it as it pertains to white men, identity politics, the Left, the primary. Some Bernie people did not cover themselves in glory when they demanded conservatives, centrists, squishy liberals, and real liberals "bend the knee" to them. Sure, it's a quote from a popular television program. But people do not like being dominated. (It was also the most boring part of that popular television program. The hot queen is fighting on three fronts, including zombies, but she's going to take time every episode to demand someone "bend the knee"? Get your priorities in order, hot queen!) Insisting on "my way ... OR DRAGONS" is not actually awesome.

I am a Warren person, after first being a Kamala person. A plurality of Wonkette writers are Warren people too. One is Maybe Bernie. A couple are Affirmatively Undecided until it's time to vote but possibly leaning toward a more centrist candidate. Nobody is a Bidener, that I know of -- late-breaking news, we do have a Bidener! -- unless and until he wins the nom, at which point we will jump on that bandwagon so hard we break our ankles. There are people on staff (me!) who would vote Bernie before Biden, and people who would not do that. Maybe you're harder Left than we are, or less. Maybe you're more hawkish, or less. There's an entire spectrum, just among the staff. We argue quite a bit in the chatcave! There's a far larger spectrum outside it.

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Alan Keyes Wants YOU To Drink Bleach (Do Not Do That, You Will Die!)

For real, do not drink magic bleach.

Hey! Remember Alan Keyes? The Black Republican guy who runs for President and isn't Herman Cain or Ben Carson? The gay-hating guy with the crazy eyes who used to work for Reagan? Who once moved to Chicago briefly in hopes of stealing Senator Barack Obama's seat (SPOILER: It did not work out)? Well he's back, and he's now in the dangerous snake oil game. I'd say "Surprise!," but it actually seems pretty apt.

As first reported by Kelly Weill of the Daily Beast, Keyes has been using his new platform on the internet TV station IAMtv (which probably isn't related to the I AM Activity cult, but who knows anymore!) to promote the use of "Miracle Mineral Solution" (MMS) as a cure for almost everything.

The other name for Miracle Mineral Solution, however, is chlorine dioxide, and it is primarily used to bleach things. As you may have guessed, it is not safe to drink and several people have died or gotten sick from trying to drink it.

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It's The Great Thanksgiving Drink-All-Day Of 2019!

Do it up right.

One year -- it was 2005, I remember because it was the Great Thanksgiving Drink-All-Day of 2005 -- my mom put me in charge of booze. Because I am brilliant and also fun, I went to the hangar-sized liquor store in Costa Mesa and bought tiny airplane bottles of every different premium gin so we could all do taste tests. Suparna liked the Hendrick's! I liked the Thompson's! (Which the internet tells me cannot ship to the United States? TRUMP WHAT HAVE YOU DONE NOW.) Everybody else liked other everything elses! The tiny bottles meant we sipped like hamsters, creating a perfect toasty buzz all day that never fell over into us falling over. I mention this because I have nothing else to start this post with.

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Sunday Bloody Mary Sunday

Easy breezy beautiful recipe hub!

Some time ago, on our way home to Montana from Mexico Winter Birthday Fun, we stopped over in Denver just in time for the ice blizzard, and they put us on the bad plane. Then they put us on the other bad plane. Then I made the executive decision we were taking a cab to the nicest hotel in Denver, whatever it might be. And it was.

The Oxford Hotel's attached restaurant, Urban Farmer, was extraordinary. More importantly, when we went back the next morning for the partly-comped breakfast, it had a Bloody Mary bar that stretched over probably eight feet of counter. I had never encountered such a thing! Candied ... bacon, you say? WHAT EVEN IS THAT? I am about to tell you. Having a Bloody Mary Bar brunch like the Urban Farmer did was my new #goals.

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Night Fever Night Fever You Know How To Do It

I just realized we didn't have a post ready to go for the hearing break!

What up suckers? After the site was down all morning just in time for Wonkette Christmas, I just realized we forgot to write anything for the break! So REAL QUICK here are some new t-shirts Shy made you!

Here is a link to your IMPEACHMENT FEVER t-shirts for men or ladies,

and here is a link to IMPEACHMENT FEVER t-shirts for men and ladies, WITHOUT TRUMP's gross face on them!

So buy those, and also use this as a place to jaw and natter and do what you'd do if this were an open thread!

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Oh look it is the alarm clock on our extremely fragile democracy and after three years of hitting the snooze button it is time to LEAP OUT OF BED and GET YOUR ASS TO ... well, the couch is a good first step. We can try "outside" after we've been sitting upright a while.

That's right the election is a year from yesterday, or that is what the internet has told me and I THINK that was today but who even knows, time is melted. That fucker broke time.

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If You Don’t Stop And Look Around, You Might Miss The Impeachment. Your Sunday Show Rundown!

When the best you've got defending you on the Sunday shows is Ron Johnson and Jim Jordan, your prospects are not looking good.

The long-awaited Trump impeachment is speeding up! Mark Zaid, one of the attorneys for the Ukrainium One whistleblower, has stated he is now representing " multiple whistleblowers. The announcement of a second whistleblower -- the second intel whistleblower, on top of the IRS whistleblower who already existed, and who is being described as "an intelligence official with first-hand knowledge" (NOT "hearsay," Lindsey Graham!) of some of the allegations outlined in the original complaint, threw a wrench on ALL the talking points of Trump's ardent defenders, to the point that nobody from the White House even showed up for the Sunday shows. But a couple of idiots from Congress did!

It was perhaps most difficult this week for GOP Senator Ron Johnson of Wisconsin. Appearing on NBC's "Meet The Press," OshKosh M'Gosh Johnson was asked about what he told the Wall Street Journal about how EU Ambassador Gordon Sondland told him Trump was doing quid pro quos with Ukraine and basically extorting the nation for electoral assistance in exchange, but don't worry, Donald Trump told him that's a damn lie and Donald Trump always tells the truth.

It did not go well for Johnson.

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Recipe Hub


This one's staying here a while to convince you to SEND MONEY FOR ME TO HIRE THE #BEBEST PEOPLE! Scroll down for more stories!

First some wonderful news! I have asked (and they have accepted) Robyn and SER (Stephen Robinson) to come to work full-time starting in January. Do I have the money (about an extra $6k a month for full-time plus 100 percent paid healthcare) to hire them yet? No. Will I? Yes. Because I know, in my crusty shriveled heart, that we can get another 1000 of you to sign up for a recurring donation because of how this is the place you always go first when big news breaks, and then again half an hour later, and then again half an hour after that, to see if we have SPLAINED IT YOU YET. (Give it another 10 minutes, we're pic'ing and tagging!) Also, that thing you're always telling me about "keeping [you] sane, 'for the most part.'" You say it a lot!

If you are not already, and you are at all able, we hope you will click the clickie, choose an amount, click "paypal" or "credit cards" and WHOOSH, you are OUR HERO!!!!

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Yesterday was Old Dad's 81st birthday, which means I MADE BALLS and Shy took HOT PIXXX and then we ATE THE BALLS. They were, as usual, pretty fuckin' good. They were also, as usual, a little bit of a pain in the ass. This is not a weeknight balls recipe. This is like twice a year for people you love and put balls on.

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