Senate Intel Committee Gonna Kick Devin Nunes's Traitor Ass Behind The Gym After Third Period

Hey look, new screenshot of Devin Nunes's stupid face!

It's a pretty good bet these days that any #dumbfucking story about Republicans engaging in #dumbfuckery regarding the Russia investigations will always find its way back to Little Devin Nunes, Donald Trump's most devoted boy servant. Hey, here's an example!

The Senate Intelligence Committee has concluded that Republicans on the House Intelligence Committee were behind the leak of private text messages between the Senate panel’s top Democrat and a Russian-connected lawyer, according to two congressional officials briefed on the matter.

Wait, what's all this about? Have some background! About 10 years ago, or the second week of February, Five Dollar Feminist wrote a dazzling tale about Fox News breathlessly reporting on leaked sexts between Democratic Senator Mark Warner, vice chair of the Senate Intelligence Committee, and Adam Waldman, a lobbyist who was trying to help broker a sit-down between senators on the committee and Chris Steele, who wrote the famous spy dossier, "50 Shades Of Russian Chicks Peeing On Donald Trump."

Seriously, Fox News was LOSING IT, led by fucking idiot "reporter" Ed Henry:

Wow, what a misleading headline! Yes, Adam Waldman, an American and a lobbyist, was representing Russian oligarch and Putin pal Oleg Deripaska (you know, the guy from whom Paul Manafort allegedly stole millions of Russia Bucks). Waldman also was repping Chris Steele and for some reason, he was acting as a pro bono representative for this other guy, fella by the name of Julian Assange. (Lobbyists! They have clients!)

As the leaked sexts revealed, Waldman was pro bono trying very diligently to arrange safe passage for Assange into American custody, because Waldman, a patriot, was worried about what Assange was going to do next in his eternal quest to fuck America for his masters in Russia. Senator Mark Warner, a patriot, was also very worried! (Strangely, Fox News, not a patriot, didn't report that detail.)

Adam Waldman was trying to do good! Julian Assange is a dangerous, stinky piece of shit, nine out of 10 people agree! Trump CIA Director Mike Pompeo agrees. Jeff Sessions agrees. (Fox News, Sean Hannity, and their intelligence asset Donald Trump, of course, disagree, because there is no "America" in them.)

The story reached its intended audience of one:


When this story came out, the Senate Intelligence Committee, in a bipartisan way, told Fox News to please fuck the hell off and stop hyping incomplete bullshit stories about the committee's work. GOP committee chairman Richard Burr said so. Marco Rubio said so. Senate Intel does, after all, pride itself on being the fucking adult in the room.

OK, flashback over and fast forward to today!

We originally thought the story was leaked to Fox News by Mr. Assange, because of how he had excitedly told a Sean Hannity Twitter Impersonator he had some "news about [Mark] Warner" during that brief period when the Deep State did the Spanish Inquisition to Hannity's Twitter account. Hannity and Assange are well-known for being in a loving, consensual relationship, and it was Fox News hyping this shit, after all. But no, it was simpler than that! It was just FUCKING DEVIN NUNES AGAIN, because it's always FUCKING DEVIN.

And the Senate Intelligence Committee was pissssssssed when it found out:

Senator Richard M. Burr of North Carolina, the committee’s Republican chairman, and Senator Mark Warner of Virginia, the top Democrat, were so perturbed by the leak that they demanded a rare meeting with Speaker Paul D. Ryan last month to inform him of their findings. They used the meeting with Mr. Ryan to raise broader concerns about the direction of the House Intelligence Committee under its chairman, Representative Devin Nunes of California, the officials said.

That's right, REPUBLICAN SENATOR Richard Burr marched his ass up to Paul Ryan and said, "Can you goddamn please do something about your little treason boy?" And Paul Ryan's reply, we shit you not, was that he is not the president of the House Intelligence Committee so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. It's not like he's speaker of the MF-ing HOUSE or anything!

In case you're confused how Devin Nunes got his grubby little dairy-cow-fondling (allegedly!) paws on the sexts between Waldman and Warner, NYT explains it went like this:

Waldman gives sexts to Senate Intel --> Devin Nunes is like "House Intel wants sexts also too!" -- > Senate Intel is like "OK I guess." --> A couple days later, they are on Fox News, because FUCKING DEVIN.

So, Senate Intel figured out it was Fucking Devin. Adam Waldman's lawyer figured out it was Fucking Devin. Does Fucking Devin confirm?

In a statement, a spokesman for Mr. Nunes, Jack Langer, did not dispute that the committee had leaked the messages, but called the premise of this article “absurd.”

“The New York Times, a prominent purveyor of leaks, is highlighting anonymous sources leaking information that accuses Republicans of leaking information,” he said. “I’m not sure if this coverage could possibly get more absurd.”

Oh get fucked and go to jail.

And that is the story of how Fucking Devin is being a Fucking Devin today.

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[New York Times]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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