Senate Subcommittee on Cuteness of Dogs Holds Hearing
Senator Robert Byrd has a dog. Her name is Trouble, but you can call her Baby. Apparently she's writing his Senate statements these days.
But best-in-show honors went to Byrd, who, in a statement notable for its breadth, explained why his eyes had been closed ("I have what is called dry eyes") and why he has tremors in his hand ("I'm not scared or anything"), noted his friendship with the late Chicago mayor Richard Daley, mentioned his 49 years in the Senate, called himself "Popeye the Sailor Man," and demanded the witnesses be sworn in, even though the hearing had been going on for nearly an hour.
It's unfair, of course, to hold the crazy old man up to ridicule when people who ostensibly still have all their mental faculties were just as inane.
"I have found Kibbles 'n Bits in my Cat Chow occasionally," said veterinary witness Claudia Kirk.
"Someone once said old age means realizing you won't own all the dogs you wanted to," posited Durbin.
As Harry Truman once said, if you want a column that writes itself, hold a Senate hearing about dogs.