Senate Under Anthrax Attack Again! But The Anthrax Is Tea!
Ever since America's most recent 9/11, when an ex-derivatives traderranted on the cable news money channel about Obama's $75 billion plan to subsidize salvageable mortgages, certain Real Americans have developed this masturbatory obsession with tea bags and ladies' tea parties and also sucking each others' balls. They are doing this because of socialism, the cartoon movie The Watch Men, and the blacks -- Congress, essentially. And as part of this ball-sucking guerilla war they now appear to be issuing "threats" by mailing certain substances in suspicious envelopes to the Senate. They freak out mail room employees and security guards for a few seconds until they realize that the substance is just tea -- tea in the form of tea bags -- probably mixed up with a few pubic hairs, for show.
A Hill staffer forwarded Politico's Glenn Thrush (who is exempt from The Embargo because he has funny stuff sometimes) this e-mail from the Sergeant-at-Arms' office about the ball-sucking:
Suspicious Characteristics Mailing (Tea Bags)
The Senate Post Office has recently seen an influx of envelopes containing tea bags addressed to Senate offices. The envelopes have been irradiated, x-rayed, opened and tested by the Senate Post Office and have been cleared and deemed safe for delivery. However, it is possible some of the envelopes may have loose tea inside.
If you have any questions or concerns about this mailing, you may contact the United States Capitol Police Threats Assessment Section at 4-1495.
Ha ha now we will have to invade Iraq again, CURSES!
Hill staffers: please e-mail us (email@example.com) if you or your boss has received tea bags from the terrorists. What was it LIKE you know? And forward us all the latest security updates on the tea bags. This should go without saying. Use your private e-mail address too, obviously. Not that anyone would care if you sent us stories about your junk mail, but still.
"Suspicious" Tea Bags On The Hill [Glenn Thrush]