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New Brett Kavanaugh Sexual Assault Allegations? WHAT? No! Really? THE F*CK YOU SAY!

Everyone could have seen this coming, unless they were personally invested in not seeing it coming.

NO! Say it is not so!

You mean to tell us that after then-GOP-Senator Jeff Flake acceded to the need for at least the thinnest bullshit appearance of a bullshit FBI investigation into the allegations against Brett Kavanaugh, which did indeed result in an absolutely bullshit appearance of an FBI investigation, where Donald Trump and the GOP had their stranger danger fingers on the scale the entire time ... you mean there are more allegations against Supreme Court Justice Rape Van, even now, many months after the Senate barely confirmed him? WHAT?

Everyone could have seen this coming, unless they were personally invested in not seeing it coming.

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News

No, THIS Is A Bad Feminist

Hey, is Lisa Bloom smearing Harvey Weinstein's rape victims a 'zealous defense'? That's a tough one no it isn't.

So Lisa Bloom fucking sucks.

Lisa Bloom, lauded "feminist," "women's rights" attorney, and daughter of Gloria Allred, has spent most of her career representing women and crime victims. But for a little while, she decided to take a break from women who had been victimized to help one of the most prolific rapists of our time: Harvey Weinstein. And she helped Weinstein come up with a plan, not to defend himself in court, but to smear and bribe his victims.

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News

Congress To Hold Hearings On How Gross Trump's Yeti Pubes Really Are

Just no visual aids of the Mario Kart dick, please. The whole world is trying to eat lunch right now.

Were you one of those people who was like "GAAAAAH ROBERT MUELLER IS SOOOOO BOOOOORING, WHY DOESN'T HE DANCE MORE?" during the Mueller testimony? If so, first of all, Maggie Haberman, thanks for reading Wonkette, the donate button is below. Secondly, the Washington Post reports that the House Judiciary Committee's fall season of "To Impeach Or Not To Impeach" will feature more musical numbers and a little bit more PIZZAZZ-A-MATAZZ, because on top of everything else they're doing to get the grand jury information from the Mueller Report and get the courts to order former White House counsel Don McGahn (and by extension everybody else who ever worked in the White House) to comply with subpoenas, they're going to start shining a light on the campaign finance crimes committed by Donald Trump in paying off women he had affairs with, in order to help his own election.

That means Stormy Daniels. And Karen McDougal.

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News

Elizabeth Warren Has A New Deal For Native America

Pity the main response will be 'Hurr hurr, Pocahontas!'

Elizabeth Warren is doing her best to put together a comprehensive package of interlocking policies that could make the American economy and government fairer, more equitable, more kind, and just all around better. It's pretty damned impressive -- and on the whole, probably the most progressive set of policy reforms since the New Deal. For instance, take a look at her proposal for remaking policy concerning Native Americans and other indigenous Americans. It's frankly the most serious, comprehensive proposal we've ever seen for addressing the problems facing Tribal nations -- which is saying something in itself, since most candidates do well to even mention them as part of vague statements about minority groups in general. For most of American history, presidential involvement with Native people could be typified by that old photo of Calvin Coolidge stiffly wearing a suit and Lakota headdress.

The pity is, most coverage of Warren's detailed proposal will probably look like Politico's: the very briefest mention of its content with some solemn chin-stroking about whether it will be enough to overcome Warren's perceived weakness with Native Americans in the wake of her dumb DNA test, plus speculation on just how much mileage Donald Trump will get from the One Joke That Is Funnier Than Anything. The three Republicans who even read the proposal will complain Warren is merely promising Free Stuff to buy votes, which is only allowed when you're talking about oil and coal companies.

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Media/Entertainment

Mark Halperin Puts Penis To Paper For New Trump Book No Decent Person Should Buy

Mark Halperin: 'If I Did It.'

In a just world, the story of Mark Halperin — pervert and philosopher — would end with him getting bombed on Woolite under one of Manhattan's less fashionable bridges. Unfortunately, we're all trapped in the world where Donald Trump is president, so a legitimate publisher has signed a book deal with the hack pundit who rubbed his nasty-ass penis on women without their consent.

C'mon, Donna!Twitter

The above notice states definitively that "the height of the #MeToo movement" was in 2017. So we guess it's all over now. Men said so. Ladies, please put on your company-issued go-go boots and report to your dancing cages. It's not even two full years, y'all. Halperin wasn't away long enough to grow a solid beard of shame.

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News

Trump Is F*cking Gross, Episode #456,286,057

BRB bleaching our eyes.

It's the end of the week and everything is terrible, so how's about we send you into the weekend with some fresh hell from the president?

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sex crimes

Republicans Shocked SHOCKED At Steve King Saying That Part Out Loud

They don't know her!

Oh, NOW the GOP wants to get rid of Steve King? Not when he accused undocumented immigrants of being drug smugglers with "calves the size of cantaloupes"? Not when he referred to the torture of prisoners at Abu Ghraib as "hazing"? Not when he said Muslims shouldn't be allowed to work in meat-packing plants? Not when he suggested cutting food stamps "for people who have not worked in three generations"? Not when he suggested using electrified cattle fences to keep out migrants? Not when he said, "We can't restore our civilization with somebody else's babies"? Not when he referred to Mexican immigrants as "dirt"? Not when he spewed his poison about white genocide and the "great replacement" theory?

All that was merely distasteful, a shame, inappropriate, tut tut. But now that he's facing a rematch against J.D. Scholten, after barely eking out a three-point win in an R+11 district last year, now they want him gone?

There aren't enough jerk off gifs in the world for this bullshit.

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sex crimes

Steve King Wants To Thank Rape And Incest For The Wheel And Lightbulb

That guy doing a doubletake dot gif.

We know Republicans are generally opposed to abortion rights and overall bodily autonomy for women. But they don't always accuse Margaret Sanger of personally murdering black babies and promote false narratives about imaginary infanticide. Sometimes they discuss pregnancies resulting from rape and incest, and when that happens, they compete for "Worst Statement Ever Uttered By A Person."

The previous record holder on this subject was Rick Santorum. When he was running for president in 2012, he who cannot be Googled suggested that rape pregnancies were a Spencer's gift from God, and only ungrateful skanks would consider exchanging them.

SANTORUM: I've always, you know, I believe and I think the right approach is to accept this horribly created — in the sense of rape — but nevertheless a gift in a very broken way, the gift of human life, and accept what God has given to you.

You don't even get store credit from heaven. Carry your rapist's baby and wear this ugly sweater God also got you.

Now unrepentant white supremacist Steve King has outgrossed Santorum. That's the benefit of having no committee assignments. You can workshop your material. King spoke today at the Westside Conservative Club and defended his opposition to rape and incest exceptions in anti-abortion legislation he tried to pass.

KING: It's not the baby's fault for the sin of the father, or of the mother.

The pregnant rape victim hasn't committed a "sin" of any sort. King is "both sides"-ing rape here. This is the usual social conservative claptrap, absent any empathy or compassion -- at least for any currently living humans. King's no common Todd Akin. He believes that rape and incest can in fact lead to pregnancy. He just thinks this has somehow positively benefited human civilization.

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sex crimes

That Pervert Sumbitch Epstein Will Not Leave!

Even in death, he's still a menace.

Jeffrey Epstein may be dead, but that serial child rapist is going to dominate the news for a while longer. Rational people have largely knocked off the conspiracy theories about Trump putting out a hit on his former pal, but the wingers are still going strong. Luckily Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman, the dumbest fraudsters in all the land, are on the case, ready to prove that ninja assassin Hillary Clinton bodycounted Epstein while he was in the custody of Bill Barr's Justice Department. The Daily Beast reports:

"We're hardly alone in the belief, but we strongly feel that this was a murder," Burkman said in a press release.

Burkman and Wohl claim that they have a tip from a "girlfriend of a current prison employee" about the death of "the rich pedophile guy," although they stress that the supposed tip is still being vetted.

Which is hilarious, unless you are an FBI agent trying to investigate this tragic clusterfuck while Donald Trump inflames the conspiracy loons with his demented tweets. One current agent told Business Insider, "The Epstein case was hypercharged from the get-go.The last thing investigators need is the president of the United States fanning the flames with these bullshit theories that have no basis in reality." Lotsa luck!

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News

Cut That Epstein Conspiracy Sh*t Out Right Now!

You never go full Gateway Pundit!

Don't be like Kellyanne Conway, kids. You are so much better than that lying ghoul! If you find yourself in the comments section wondering if Bill Barr bumped off Jeffrey Epstein to protect Donald Trump, sit yourself down for a good talking to, and resolve to #BeBest. Because you're not some Q loon "connecting the dots" to prove a brain-meltingly stupid theory that bundles all the random bits together into some meta-narrative where it all makes so much sense. You're not a keyboard warrior from Wingnutistan blowing your load over at RedState. You're a rational adult, who understands that the simplest explanation -- that jail is hell, and Epstein took advantage of his overworked guards' inattention to escape it -- is usually the right one.

Giphy

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Conspiracy Theories

Clintons Murdered Jeffrey Epstein, But He Got Better

Just another perfectly normal day on the internet.

Accused child sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein has been placed on suicide watch in the federal jail where he's awaiting trial, after he was found "semi-conscious with marks on his neck" Wednesday night, according to WNBC-TV. Not surprisingly, that led the hashtag #ClintonBodyCount to explode on Twitter today, because what could be more obvious proof of the Clintons' malign influence than the "attempted suicide" of a guy who could spill the beans about Bill and Hillary's deep state sex slavery ring? Of course, Epstein survived, which sort of argues against the notion of the incident involving Hillary's elite death squads, but why let a minor detail like "no body" get in the way of another entry on the Body Count?

There's not a lot of detail about what happened with Epstein at Manhattan's Metropolitan Correctional Center (MCC). WNBC reports only that two sources said Epstein was found in "a fetal position" in his cell, and that he may have tried to hang himself. A third source said the injuries weren't serious, and speculated Epstein may have been trying to get transferred somewhere else. A fourth source said officials were investigating whether Epstein was assaulted by another inmate, a former cop who's been charged with murdering four people in connection with a cocaine distribution racket. The attorney for that inmate told NBC News the former cop never assaulted nobody, and that the leaked allegation was obvious retaliation by jail officials after his client complained about conditions at MCC.

Those are the facts so far, which all add up to only one conclusion for the Loonysphere: The Clintons are behind it all, because who else would be able to get an ex cop (from NEW YORK, where the Clintons run everything) to put the hit on Epstein?

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Class War

Jane Mayer Thinks We Don't Feel Bad Enough For Al Franken

He did choose to quit, you know.

Jane Mayer, in this week's New Yorker, presents us with "The Case for Al Franken." Jesus, not this again. We can't write about Kirsten Gillibrand taking a bullet to save a busload of orphaned refugee nuns without the comments sections derailing into complaints about how the New York senator "Et tu, Brute-d" the former Minnesota senator to an early political grave. We wanted to just ignore the piece, but we saw this sexist tripe.

That tweet aged w- ... oh wait, Tribe has already deleted it.

Al Franken is still rich, white, alive, and generally beloved. Don't try to sell him to us as Willy Loman. Also, men really need to stop using terms like "opportunistic" or "slippery" to describe women -- even if those women have dared to criticize their favorites. Gillibrand doesn't have to answer for shit. She's not responsible for Franken's choices. After an exhaustive investigation, we've determined who is responsible, and it's Al Franken. Last month, Mayer found the "disgraced senator" wandering around his Minneapolis home in "jeans and stocking feet."

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Featured

Alan Dershowitz Ain't Got No Panties On

EXCEPT FOR WHEN HE IS AT JEFFREY EPSTEIN'S HOUSE!

Good news for all the OB-GYNs of America, because Alan Dershowitz has just given you the week of nine months from now off work! How did he do that? It was simple. He just went on Fox News and talked about how good he is at sex, and how exemplary his sexual activities are, and as a result, nobody in America will be in the mood to have sex until approximately two Wednesdays from now, because they keep seeing Alan Dershowitz making coitus in their minds!

But what would make Alan Dershowitz lay his penis right out there on the massage table at Fox News for all to see, in order to show everybody the tree rings on his stump that signify only the most excellent, thoughtful and morally upright orgasmic encounters? Well, he's mad at David Boies, the lawyer for one of Jeffrey Epstein's victims. And maybe there are other Epstein-related reasons, but if there are, Wonkette for sure does not know them!

Whatever it is, Dershowitz felt the need to go on Fox News last night and issue a Fuck Challenge to David Boies, kind of a you show me mine, I'll show you yours-type thing, or however that goes:

DERSH: I've issued a challenge to him! Look, I've had sex with one woman since the day I met Jeffrey Epstein. I challenge David Boies to say under oath that he's only had sex with one woman during that period of time. He couldn't do it! So, he has an enormous amount of CHUTZPAH to attack me and to challenge my PERFECT, PERFECT SEX LIFE DURING THE RELEVANT PERIOD OF TIME.

ALAN DERSHOWITZ WAS TOO BUSY PARTICIPATING IN RESPLENDENT HETEROSEXUAL BREEDING RITUALS DURING THE PERIOD IN QUESTION, YOUR HONOR! ALAN DERSHOWITZ HAS ONLY HAD SEX WITH ONE WOMAN SINCE HE MET JEFFREY EPSTEIN, AND PLEASE DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THE LAWYER WORDS HE JUST USED OR ASK ANY SASSY SASSAFRAS QUESTIONS LIKE "OH SURE, ONE FULL GROWN WOMAN, TELL US ABOUT THE OTHERS," AS THAT IS NOT FAIR TO ALAN DERSHOWITZ! IF YOU SUGGEST SUCH A THING ABOUT ALAN DERSHOWITZ, HE'LL GO ON FOX NEWS AGAIN TONIGHT AND TELL YOU UNSOLICITED INFORMATION ABOUT THE FIRST TIME HE TRIED ANAL AND IT WAS MARVELOUS.

ALLEGEDLY.

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