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Conspiracy Theories

Clintons Murdered Jeffrey Epstein, But He Got Better

Just another perfectly normal day on the internet.

Accused child sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein has been placed on suicide watch in the federal jail where he's awaiting trial, after he was found "semi-conscious with marks on his neck" Wednesday night, according to WNBC-TV. Not surprisingly, that led the hashtag #ClintonBodyCount to explode on Twitter today, because what could be more obvious proof of the Clintons' malign influence than the "attempted suicide" of a guy who could spill the beans about Bill and Hillary's deep state sex slavery ring? Of course, Epstein survived, which sort of argues against the notion of the incident involving Hillary's elite death squads, but why let a minor detail like "no body" get in the way of another entry on the Body Count?

There's not a lot of detail about what happened with Epstein at Manhattan's Metropolitan Correctional Center (MCC). WNBC reports only that two sources said Epstein was found in "a fetal position" in his cell, and that he may have tried to hang himself. A third source said the injuries weren't serious, and speculated Epstein may have been trying to get transferred somewhere else. A fourth source said officials were investigating whether Epstein was assaulted by another inmate, a former cop who's been charged with murdering four people in connection with a cocaine distribution racket. The attorney for that inmate told NBC News the former cop never assaulted nobody, and that the leaked allegation was obvious retaliation by jail officials after his client complained about conditions at MCC.

Those are the facts so far, which all add up to only one conclusion for the Loonysphere: The Clintons are behind it all, because who else would be able to get an ex cop (from NEW YORK, where the Clintons run everything) to put the hit on Epstein?

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Class War

Jane Mayer Thinks We Don't Feel Bad Enough For Al Franken

He did choose to quit, you know.

Jane Mayer, in this week's New Yorker, presents us with "The Case for Al Franken." Jesus, not this again. We can't write about Kirsten Gillibrand taking a bullet to save a busload of orphaned refugee nuns without the comments sections derailing into complaints about how the New York senator "Et tu, Brute-d" the former Minnesota senator to an early political grave. We wanted to just ignore the piece, but we saw this sexist tripe.

That tweet aged w- ... oh wait, Tribe has already deleted it.

Al Franken is still rich, white, alive, and generally beloved. Don't try to sell him to us as Willy Loman. Also, men really need to stop using terms like "opportunistic" or "slippery" to describe women -- even if those women have dared to criticize their favorites. Gillibrand doesn't have to answer for shit. She's not responsible for Franken's choices. After an exhaustive investigation, we've determined who is responsible, and it's Al Franken. Last month, Mayer found the "disgraced senator" wandering around his Minneapolis home in "jeans and stocking feet."

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Featured

Alan Dershowitz Ain't Got No Panties On

EXCEPT FOR WHEN HE IS AT JEFFREY EPSTEIN'S HOUSE!

Good news for all the OB-GYNs of America, because Alan Dershowitz has just given you the week of nine months from now off work! How did he do that? It was simple. He just went on Fox News and talked about how good he is at sex, and how exemplary his sexual activities are, and as a result, nobody in America will be in the mood to have sex until approximately two Wednesdays from now, because they keep seeing Alan Dershowitz making coitus in their minds!

But what would make Alan Dershowitz lay his penis right out there on the massage table at Fox News for all to see, in order to show everybody the tree rings on his stump that signify only the most excellent, thoughtful and morally upright orgasmic encounters? Well, he's mad at David Boies, the lawyer for one of Jeffrey Epstein's victims. And maybe there are other Epstein-related reasons, but if there are, Wonkette for sure does not know them!

Whatever it is, Dershowitz felt the need to go on Fox News last night and issue a Fuck Challenge to David Boies, kind of a you show me mine, I'll show you yours-type thing, or however that goes:

DERSH: I've issued a challenge to him! Look, I've had sex with one woman since the day I met Jeffrey Epstein. I challenge David Boies to say under oath that he's only had sex with one woman during that period of time. He couldn't do it! So, he has an enormous amount of CHUTZPAH to attack me and to challenge my PERFECT, PERFECT SEX LIFE DURING THE RELEVANT PERIOD OF TIME.

ALAN DERSHOWITZ WAS TOO BUSY PARTICIPATING IN RESPLENDENT HETEROSEXUAL BREEDING RITUALS DURING THE PERIOD IN QUESTION, YOUR HONOR! ALAN DERSHOWITZ HAS ONLY HAD SEX WITH ONE WOMAN SINCE HE MET JEFFREY EPSTEIN, AND PLEASE DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THE LAWYER WORDS HE JUST USED OR ASK ANY SASSY SASSAFRAS QUESTIONS LIKE "OH SURE, ONE FULL GROWN WOMAN, TELL US ABOUT THE OTHERS," AS THAT IS NOT FAIR TO ALAN DERSHOWITZ! IF YOU SUGGEST SUCH A THING ABOUT ALAN DERSHOWITZ, HE'LL GO ON FOX NEWS AGAIN TONIGHT AND TELL YOU UNSOLICITED INFORMATION ABOUT THE FIRST TIME HE TRIED ANAL AND IT WAS MARVELOUS.

ALLEGEDLY.

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News

Yep, Michael Cohen Is A Criminal. Sounds Like His Boss And Hope Hicks Are Too!

All of these fuckers should be in prison.

We knew when Michael Cohen pleaded guilty that he had committed his campaign finance crimes (which we will refer to throughout this post as his "booby peener payoffs," because they relate to buying the silence of Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal in order to make their stories go away before the election) at the direction of "Individual-1," AKA Donald Trump. None of that has been a secret. The sitting president of the United States has been named as an unindicted co-crimer in a guilty plea for his former lawyer, who is currently LOCK HER UPPED.

We also got very strange news this week, that the Southern District of New York (SDNY) investigation into the Trump Organization's campaign finance lawbreaking was winding down and would soon be over, probably with no new indictments. And that was weird. It was especially weird because CNN reported that the investigation seemed to go quiet about five months ago, which just happened to be right when Attorney General McCoverUps himself, Bill Barr, was confirmed to his position. Was Barr doing Trump's bidding again and putting his thumb on a valid criminal investigation, in order to protect the president and his crime family?

That's certainly what Trump wanted. When Matthew "Meatball" Whitaker was acting attorney general, it's reported that Trump pressured him to control the SDNY investigation, and that Whitaker told his pals at Justice that SDNY needed "adult supervision." Ha ha! Meatball McPeenerToilet was the adult! And wouldn't you know it, but zing bang boom, the second Barr took the baton, that investigation did indeed go dark. And now it's over!

When we originally saw the warrants that led to Michael Cohen's big fun FBI raids, the parts about the "Illegal Campaign Contribution Scheme" were redacted, in order to protect the ongoing investigation. But now that investigation is over, or at least the part related to Michael Cohen's participation in the booby peener porn payoffs is! This week prosecutors asked Judge William H. Pauley to please keep some of the really good parts redacted, in order to protect "third-party privacy interests." (Of whom, please?) In response, the judge issued an order telling those prosecutors to FUCK OFF. Not only did Pauley tell them to fuck off, he said these documents "are a matter of national importance," and that "it is time that every American has an opportunity to scrutinize the Materials." (Emphasis ours.)

Judge Pauley ordered the warrant documents, including the parts about the "Illegal Campaign Contribution Scheme," to be released by 11:00 AM today, and they are out! They tell quite a story. (It's pages 36 to 57 of that link. Follow along if you'd like!) Cohen is certainly guilty, but from what we can tell, "Individual-1" is certainly also very guilty. Also, Hope Hicks, you have been BAD, by which we mean you have been GUILTY and it sure does LOOK LIKE you lied to Congress. Meanwhile, Michael Cohen is the only one sitting in prison for any of these crimes.

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News

Donald Trump And Jeffrey Epstein Are Two Wild And Crazy Guys!

In 1992, at least.

NBC News found a video Donald Trump isn't gonna like very much. While it's no "grab them by the pussy" smoking gun tape where the president admits to sexual assault, he sure doesn't seem to want us to think he likes that Jeffrey Epstein character very much. And yet, here he is, at a party in 1992 at Mar-a-Lago, cutting up with that exact guy! You know, the one going on trial because of all the kid rape and the child sex trafficking, who had the private island and the non-American passport, which he allegedly had to protect him from "hijackers"!

The video (click over to NBC News to watch the full clip) doesn't show anything particularly weird. Just two gross men ogling much younger women and talking about how hot they are, maybe grabbing a little ass instead of pussy:


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Post-Racial America

Alex Acosta, You Are GET THE F*CK OUT

BUH-BYE.

Let's say one nice thing about Labor Secretary Alex Acosta as he packs up his office to GTFO of DC. At least the guy spared his wife and kids the humiliation of watching him walk around with an arrow through his head for another two weeks -- although he could have done it before painting a target on his back at that press conference yesterday, inviting every reporter in America to dig in and factcheck a mountain of, ummm, mischaracterizations about his prosecution of Jeffrey Epstein when Acosta was US Attorney for the Southern District of Florida in 2008. But eventually, he read the writing on the wall. Knowing that his hinky plea deal with pedophile Jeffrey Epstein was going to sink him, Acosta jumped before he could be pushed. SLOW FUCKING CLAP.

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Class War

Is Jeffrey Epstein Even A Billionaire?

We should put Forbes on the case!

The New York Times makes a persuasive case that references to "Billionaire financier and alleged child molester" Jeffrey Epstein may need a second "alleged" before the word "billionaire." Sure, he's clearly got a pretty big fortune in real estate -- including that private island of his -- and federal prosecutors warned his "nearly infinite" wealth and his two private jets made him a flight risk. We can see how the jets would make them worry about flight, which is why they're the high-powered federal prosecutors.

As for the limitless wealth, it looks like there's much more evidence of Epstein's alleged sex crimes than his alleged billions, and gosh, who ever heard of some prominent sleazebag claiming to be much richer than he actually is? Talk about unprecedented!

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popular

Who Need To Come Forward? GIRLS!

Alex Acosta's Jeffrey Epstein press conference, for an audience of one.

If Alexander Acosta wanted to pull a Kavanaugh, he should have just shouted incoherently about beer at yesterday's press conference. Instead, the Labor secretary -- who a decade ago was the United States Attorney stroking secretive billionaire Jeffrey Epstein's hair while negotiating his plea for molesting what the FBI alleged were dozens of girls -- told a series of easily disprovable lies and then bizarrely blamed Epstein's victims for their own abuse. Cheers!

"The message is you need to come forward," Acosta burbled from the podium. "And as victims come forward, these cases can be brought and they can be brought by the federal government, they can be brought by state attorneys, and they will be brought."

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Congress

White House Officials See Epstein Child Rape Silver Lining: Sh*tcanning Rivals, Terrific!

Trigger warning for real.

This morning, on NBC's Today, another Epstein survivor came forward to tell her story. Jennifer Araoz describes being recruited outside her high school at the age of 14, weekly visits to Jeffrey Epstein's mansion for "massages," and finally being raped at the age of 15, after which she dropped out of her elite performing arts high school to avoid Epstein's Upper East Side neighborhood. If there was ever a story that required a trigger warning, this is it.

In 2001, Araoz was high school freshman from Queens whose father had died of AIDS and whose mother struggled to make ends meet. She was a pretty girl, without a lot of resources, in a neighborhood far from home. She was an easy target for the woman who chatted her up outside the school and began bringing her to meet with Epstein at his nearby mansion.

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Immigrants

Of Course There's Sexual Abuse In Trump's Concentration Camps. Did You Assume There Wasn't?

You knew these stories were coming. Now they're here.

In case anyone had any illusions that overcrowding and mistreatment of migrant kids in Border Patrol stations was purely a Texas thing, NBC News reported last night on terrible conditions -- including one accusation of sexual assault by a Border Patrol officer -- at the Border Patrol facility in Yuma, Arizona. The "significant incident reports" were filed by case managers with the US Department of Health and Human Services who interviewed children after they were transferred from Customs and Border Protection (CBP) for longer-term storage in HHS's also-overcrowded system of shelters.

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Culture Wars

Bill Barr Unrecusing From Investigation Into His Boss's Pedo Pal Epstein, So That's On Brand

Barr has a reputation to uphold, after all.

The corruption proceeds apace! Bill Barr took a break from burning down the Justice Department to fulfill the illegal Census promise Donald Trump made in a shit-tweet to unrecuse himself from the Jeffrey Epstein investigation. This will do wonders to tamp down rampant speculation that Epstein has dirt on every powerful pervert in Washington, including Trump and Bill Clinton!

During his confirmation hearing, Barr responded to a question from Nebraska Senator Ben Sasse about the Epstein case by suggesting he'd be obliged to recuse himself, saying, "Senator, I have to recuse myself from Kirkland & Ellis matters, I am told. And I think Kirkland & Ellis was maybe involved in that case, so I need to sort out exactly what my role can be. I will say that if I'm confirmed I'll make sure your questions are answered on this case."

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