Convicted Rapist Bill Cosby Still Thinks He's Better Than Eddie Murphy

Go away forever, you sick bastard.

Christmas arrived a few days early when Eddie Murphy returned after 35 years to host "Saturday Night Live" this weekend. They apparently let disgraced scuzzy rapist Bill Cosby watch in prison, because he had some notes. Cosby's spokesman, Andrew Wyatt, released a statement Sunday criticizing Murphy's monologue, which mocked the convicted rapist.

First, let's enjoy Murphy dunking on the pudding pop pervert.

Eddie Murphy Monologue - SNL

Murphy has 10 kids, one with a Spice Girl, and they're all real, not just multiple parts he's playing like in The Nutty Professor. He noted that 30 years ago, if someone had suggested he'd become a "boring stay-at-home, house dad" and Cosby would be in jail ... he'd have taken that bet. Then he gave us his famous Cosby impression with the head bobbing and the eye rolling. "Who's America's dad now?" he declared. And he's right. Murphy is the revered elder black statesman who has inspired a generation of comedians. It was especially moving to see him on the usually pretty-damn-white SNL stage with Tracy Morgan, Dave Chapelle, Chris Rock, and Keenan Thompson. (Murphy and former SNL star Maya Rudolph were also AMAZING together in the "Home for the Holidays" sketch.)

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sex crimes

Matt Bevin, Who Pardoned A Child Rapist, Has Thoughts On 'Hymen'

On the other hand, he really loves him some Trump.

On his way out of office earlier this month, former Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin pardoned or commuted sentences for 428 prisoners in the state. Among them were a raft of seriously violent crimers, including a murderer whose family happened to have been huge campaign donors to Bevin. He also pardoned a few people convicted of sexually assaulting children, mostly because he decided all on his own that the juries had gotten the decision wrong. In an interview with a talk radio station yesterday, Bevin explained he had no regrets over pardoning a guy convicted of repeatedly raping a 9-year-old girl, because in his expert medical opinion, there was no forensic evidence she'd been raped. Matt Bevin, we must emphasize, is not a doctor.

Just a quick warning: What Bevin said was horrifying, and of necessity, we need to discuss the details of rape in this story. You may decide a story on contaminated pork more tolerable this morning.

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sex crimes

Y'Ain't Ever Had Romance Until You've Met Barry, The Arby's Church DILF

It's like the Elf on a Shelf story, but different!

It's the Friday before Christmas, so why not how 'bout we get into the yuletide spirit with a tale as old as time, of romance and King's Hawaiian Roast Beef Sliders and the Arby's gift cards that bring allllllll the boys to the yard?

If you've been on "the internet" this week, you might be familiar with the general bones (LOL "bones") of this story.

There is a man, and he is named Barry Poyner, and he is a self-described "DILF." (If you don't know what that stands for, get offline and knit culottes for your cats, GRANDPA.)

Barry is also a church elder at the Kirksville Church of Christ in Kirksville, Missouri, which, as you might have guessed, is part of the Church of Christ. (Motto: Fags Are The Devil, And So Are Pianos!)

You know where this going. That's right, it's going through the drive-thru at the Arby's on the north side of Kirksville near the Home Depot, because hey, Barry the church DILF just met you (on Grindr), and this is crazy, but here is AN ARBY'S GIFT CARD, so please, male college student, order whatever you want, within reason!

In exchange for sex, obviously.

Barry has been charged with prostitution.

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fox news

Bombshell: Fox News Hit With Sexual Harassment Lawsuit Wait THAT Can't Be Right!

Britt McHenry subjected to gross texts from grosser former co-host, Tyrus.

Fox News is a cesspool of racism and sexual misconduct. Peddling bigotry is how the network affords to settle its many sexual harassment complaints. It's a business model based in the concept of a serpent eating its own tail. Just as the movie Bombshell arrives in theaters, Fox is hit with yet another harassment suit. This one is from Britt McHenry, host of the Fox Nation show "Un-PC," but we're not doing the whole "live by the sword, cut the dickens out of your finger with the sword." No one deserves to be sexual harassed, even if they willingly choose to work at the International House of Grossness that's Fox News.

McHenry accused her former co-host, Tyrus, of harassing her early this year. Tyrus's real name is George Murdoch, but he's not related to Fox bigwig Rupert Murdoch, which would be hilarious. Tyrus reportedly sent McHenry "unwanted and unsolicited text messages with lewd, sexual comments" (these are almost always unwanted and unsolicited). Fox's response was consistent with an organization that has ignored all sexual harassment legislation and HR policies from the past 30 years. The network gave Tyrus his own show, "Nuff Said," and McHenry the professional cold shoulder. That's retaliation, and it's illegal.

From The Hollywood Reporter:

McHenry says that Fox News responded to her complaints against Tyrus by "refusing to investigate some of her claims, shunning her, shutting her out of company events, and refusing to allow her on Fox News Channel shows. [...] When Ms. McHenry complained to Fox News Human Resources and management, Fox News asked what Ms. McHenry did to provoke her harasser."

McHenry filed a lawsuit against Fox News on Tuesday. In addition to Tyrus himself and an assortment of malignant Fox corporate growths, the suit names McHenry's Fox Nation boss, John Finley, executive producer Jennifer Rauchet, and human resources executive Monica Mekeel. They all suck. McHenry claims that when she reported Tyrus for the third time, Rauchet told her that she was "replaceable" and "Fox News never wanted her."

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sex crimes

Forgetful Trump Doesn't Even Remember His Good Friend Prince Andrew. Oh Forgetful Trump!

There are pictures!

Over the weekend, BBC Panorama aired an interview with Virginia Roberts Giuffre, a woman who has said for several years that she was sex trafficked by Jeffrey Epstein and his girlfriend/partner in sex crimes Ghislaine Maxwell — and, more specifically, that one of the men she was trafficked to was Prince Andrew, Duke of York. Giuffre says that she was first approached by Epstein when she, as a teenager, was working as a locker room attendant at Mar-a-lago, and that soon after, she was flown to London to be raped by Prince Andrew.

Prince Andrew, for his part, claims he never even met the girl, despite the fact that there is a photo of the two of them together.

Naturally, he claims the photo was "doctored."

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No, Gordon Sondland, You Cannot Have A F*cking Hug!

Gordon Sondland a pervert? Wow, it's always the ones you most suspect!

Gordon Sondland should have saved his money and stayed in Oregon. If that idiot had just kept it zipped up and not blown his million dollar wad all over Trump's inauguration (routed through shell companies, natch), then he wouldn't be at the center of this impeachment maelstrom. And we wouldn't be forced to talk about the time he hired a woman to be "my new hotel chick," then ambushed her without his pants inviting her to "have some fun" with Little Gordo. Allegedly.


Three women went on the record with ProPublica and Portland Monthly to describe EU Ambassador Sondland's sexual advances and subsequent career retaliation when those advances were rejected. Because for Gordon Sondland, there is always, always, always a quid pro quo.

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Texas To Hold Off On Executing Potentially Innocent Man

Rodney Reed argues that police have the evidence that could prove him innocent.

Rodney Reed has been on death row for two decades. The entire time, he has proclaimed his innocence. More than that, he has argued that police already have the evidence that could prove his innocence. And yet, he remains on death row and the evidence remains untested.

Yesterday, two very unusual things happened. First, the Texas Board of Pardons and Paroles unanimously recommended Texas Governor Greg Abbott stop the execution. And then, amazingly, the Texas Criminal Court of Appeals issued an indefinite stay of execution and sent Reed's case back down to the lower courts.

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E Jean Carroll Is Not F*cking Around

What makes this Trump-rape-denial-defamation suit different from all other Trump-rape-denial-defamation suits? LAWSPLAINER.

In June, writer E. Jean Carroll went public with her story of being raped by Donald Trump in a department store dressing room in the mid-1990s. Trump, being Trump, responded with personal attacks about Carroll's character and looks. Now, Carroll is suing Trump for defamation and WE ARE HERE FOR IT!

Trump's response to Carroll coming forward with her story was typical, disgusting, and unacceptable. He insulted her appearance, called her a liar, and attacked her credibility. And he very well may have also defamed her in the process.

Of course, this is far from the first time Trump has lied and defamed the reputation of a woman who accused him of sexual abuse. As the complaint notes:

These lies were familiar to Trump. He had used them before, when other women stated that he had grabbed, groped, or raped them.

In response to Carroll's suit, White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham basically asked to be added as a defendant herself, saying:

I guess since the book did not make any money she's trying to get paid another way. The story she used to try and sell her trash book never happened, period. Her version of events is not even feasible if you've ever tried on clothing in a dressing room of a crowded department store. The lawsuit is frivolous and the story is a fraud — just like the author.

Here are the facts

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sex crimes

Katie Hill Goes Down Fighting, And We're Not Crying, YOU ARE CRYING

She deserved better.

Katie Hill, who announced her resignation from Congress this week after her abusive estranged husband, Kenny Heslep, distributed revenge porn pictures of her to RedState and the Daily Mail, delivered her final speech on the floor today. Her last day will be Friday, and her last act in Congress, apart from this speech, was to vote with her colleagues in favor of the resolution on the next phase of the impeachment investigation into our future abusive ex-president.

If you have a box of Kleenex nearby, you may want to grab it:

WATCH: Rep. Katie Hill's full farewell speech on House floor

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George Papadopoulos Throws Douchey Hat In Ring For Katie Hill's Seat, Sure What The Hell

Don't let the joke candidate distract you from the GOP's attempt to flip back Katie Hill's seat.

Katie Hill has resigned from Congress after a calculated and vicious smear campaign. Republicans are hoping to reclaim her seat representing California's 25th congressional district, and (more or less) serious contenders have wasted no time launching campaigns. There's Mike Garcia, who was a vocal Hill critic, and Angela Underwood-Jacob, who breakdanced on Hill's political grave before it was even dug. Former Rep. Steve Knight, who Hill defeated last year, is considering running again. One man's revenge porn is another man's career opportunity.

Republicans denounced Hill for her "unethical" behavior, which involved a consensual sexual relationship with a former campaign staffer. So it's fitting that one of the Republican challengers for her now vacant seat is someone who's broken actual laws. Trump 2016 campaign adviser George Papadopoulos, who spent 14 whole days in prison for lying to the FBI, filed the paperwork yesterday to run for Congress in California's 25th.

Yes, this asshole:

If you look closely at the photo he retweeted from his wife, you'll see that he's wearing black loafers without socks, which is part of the official douchebag uniform.

Papadopoulos was arrested in 2017 for lying to the FBI about his contacts with mysterious perfessers promising Russian dirt on Hillary Clinton. Pap served a Felicity Huffman and some change in federal prison. Upon his release, he threatened to run for elected office.

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Everyone Should Be 'Downright Rude' To Harvey Weinstein, Always

Consider it a rule of life.

Since 2017, more than 80 women have accused film producer Harvey Weinstein of sexual harassment or assault, including 18 allegations of rape. Many other women -- who either complained about being assaulted or harassed by him, or who rejected his sexual advances -- have reported that he tried to destroy their careers, often quite successfully.

Weinstein is on tape admitting not only to groping former Miss Italy Ambra Gutierez but also saying that he makes a habit of groping women without their permission. He has paid out $44 million in a civil settlement to multiple women who have accused him of sexual misconduct. Over the last several decades, he has paid out at least eight other settlements to keep women quiet. He will be facing trial this January in Manhattan on five charges, "including two counts of predatory sexual assault, a criminal sexual act, rape in the first degree, and rape in the third degree."

So, when Weinstein had the gall to show up at, of all things, an event for young performers called "Actor's Hour" at a Manhattan bar called Downtime on Wednesday night, many of the young women in attendance were pretty pissed off, and understandably so. Three of the attendees, Amber Rollo, Kelly Bachman and Zoe Stuckless, bravely confronted him, and ended up getting booed by the men in the audience — who called them "cunts" and told them to "shut up" — or kicked out of the bar themselves.

Some people, it seems, can be canceled!

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Katie Hill Was In The Closet Making Babies And I Saw One Of The Babies And The Baby Looked At Me!

Damn millennials with their avocado toast and consensual sexual relationships!

Democrat Katie Hill is a freshman House member who flipped a California district that Republicans had held since 1993. Hill is a rising star, or rather she was. She's now the subject of a House ethics probe over a matter I don't think is anyone's business. Hill confirmed that she had an "inappropriate relationship" with a female campaign staffer. However, she's denied an affair with her legislative director, Graham Kelly, who is a current member of her office staff.

House rules forbid a "sexual relationship with any employee of the House who works under the supervision of the Member, Delegate, or Resident Commissioner." It's a new rule the House implemented last year in response to longstanding allegations of sexual misconduct, specifically involving Michigan Rep. John Conyers. But unlike Brutus, Conyers was not an honorable man. He was Dabney Coleman in 9 to 5, a gross letch who repeatedly made unwanted sexual advances to female staffers and reportedly retaliated against those who resisted.

Consensual sex is both natural and fun, but nonconsensual sex isn't a great pop song. I don't understand how we conflated the two. My personal opinion is that office romances are a bad idea but they're not inherently unethical or criminal. Yes, there are oppressive workplace environments where (mostly) women aren't empowered to say "no" to their supervisors. Brooke Nevils legitimately believed her career was at risk if she didn't continue a sexual relationship with former "Today" show host Matt Lauer, who she says raped her. Vanina Guerrero recently charged that Louis Lehot, co-managing partner at DLA Piper, assaulted her multiple times. He lied about the nature of their "relationship" and actively sabotaged her professionally. Mark Halperin and Louis C.K. masturbated in front of horrified women because that's something disgusting but powerful men like to do.

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South Carolina Super Psyched To Force Rape Victims To Have Their Rapist's Babies

The state's six-week abortion ban has no exceptions for rape and incest.

Rape, as we should all understand by now, is a crime of power. This week, South Carolina decided to give rapists a 2-for-1 deal on that power by stripping the rape and incest exceptions from an already-terrible bill banning abortions after six weeks. The move was decided by a Senate Committee that voted in favor of removing the exceptions 4-3, down party lines. But don't think they're entirely heartless — the bill will still allow abortions if they are to "save the life of the mother," meaning they won't actually condemn rape victims to die while having their rapist's baby. That's just about as generous and kind as the forced birth contingent gets these days.

Of course, the measure does still have to go through committee, but it will most likely glide right on through there as well, and Republican Governor Henry McMaster is reportedly eager to sign it.

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Matt Lauer MAYBE Even More Of Gross, Rapist Assh*le Than We Thought, MAYBE

Ronan Farrow's book details alleged sexual assault.

Matt Lauer was fired from the "Today" show in 2017 for what most believed was standard, gross sexual harassment. It wasn't an isolated incident or a misunderstanding but instead a pattern of perversion. NBC News chairman Andy Lack stated in a memo that the former morning anchor's "inappropriate sexual behavior" was a "clear violation of company standards." It turns out this was a tepid description of sexual assault, which violates more than just the "standards" of a network that aired "Abby." It's a goddamn crime.

Ronan Farrow's new book "Catch and Kill" features an interview with former NBC News employee Brooke Nevils. Her identity was kept private at the time, but it was her accusations that led to Lauer's swift dismissal. The full details weren't revealed until now and they're horrifying. Nevils claims that Lauer raped her in his hotel room during NBC's coverage of the 2014 Sochi Olympics.

Nevils used to work for former "Today" co-host Meredith Vieira, who Lauer also treated like crap. Lauer joined them while they were having drinks at a hotel bar. Nevils reportedly went back to Lauer's hotel room to retrieve her press credentials, which Lauer had taken from her as a "joke" (oh, that pervy prankster!). When he invited her back a second time, he got physically aggressive, kissing her and asking if she "liked anal sex." She turned him down multiple times, but he still forced himself on her sexually and you don't need a copy of Humanity for Dummies to understand that's rape.

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2020 democratic primary

How Responsible Is Kamala Harris For What Goes On At Husband's Firm On Scale Of Not At All To Hell, Naw?

Harris 'forced' to deal with more sexist media coverage.

Vanina Guerrero, a junior partner at DLA Piper, has accused one of the law firm's top deal makers of sexual assault. Guerrero charged in a complaint that Louis Lehot attacked her at least four times since she joined the firm in September 2018. Lehot is the co-managing partner at DLA Piper's branch in Palo Alto, California. He's also (allegedly) an asshole who Guerrero claims "regularly" told her "she was a successful lawyer only because men were attracted to her."

This case is gross and awful, but it's also larger news because Kamala Harris's husband, Douglas Emhoff, is a partner at DLA Piper. Of course, Emhoff isn't Lehot, not even if you rearrange the letters in his name. But people who've watched "Ally McBeal" or "Boston Legal" think big firms have just three partners who know each other and make all the decisions. DLA Piper has 1,246 partners and 3,702 total employees. Emhoff is also based in the Los Angeles, California, and DC offices. The press still treated us to the following headline:

NBC News

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Cops Behaving Badly

Border Patrol Not Bringing Their Best. Like This (Alleged) Rapist. Who Was Allowed To Retire After Arrest.

The Very Best People, part infinity.

The Border Patrol has always been full of assholes. We know we shouldn't generalize. Some, we suppose, may be good people. But just in the last few months, there was the Border Patrol guy who pleaded guilty to running down a migrant with his truck, and the agent accused of raping multiple women he'd met online. Not to mention the Border Patrol agent charged with murdering four women in Laredo in 2018 -- he preyed on women he figured wouldn't be missed because they were prostitutes. And that's on top of the regular human rights violations, but that's when they're on duty.

So good news for the Border Patrol: Its latest accused isn't a serial killer, at least. But Gus Zamora, the husband of one of the agency's top commanders, was indicted by a grand jury in July for raping a female agent, who had considered him a mentor and friend. As the New York Times notes in its story on the case, the Border Patrol has a lot of difficulty recruiting and retaining women, who make up only about 5 percent of its 20,000 agents. Can't imagine why.

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