Definitely the hottest event of the summer.
ARE YOU GUYS READY FOR THE HOTTEST FUCKING PARTY SINCE THE MYPILLOW GUY FUCKED HIS WAY THROUGH SOUTH DAKOTA'S FAMED CORN PALACE?
Because that happened. Except for the Mike Lindell fucking part, we apologize for even suggesting Mike Lindell fucks. But it was a party. Joe Piscopo told "I'm not racist, just kidding maybe I'm a racist" jokes. The corn-o-palooza was attended by around 1,500 of the hottest Big Lie lovers around, people who are just pretty sure Donald Trump is still president, and will ride back into the Oval Office like the Son of Man, coming on the clouds. (The event space capacity was over 3,000 and Lindell claimed 30,000 were going to show up.)
And all those guys need to really watch out because, again, it is time for the THE HOTTEST FUCKING PARTY SINCE THE ... yeah, you get the idea. And Mike Lindell's social media website, FrankSpeech, which DOES TOO WORK, is going to help make it happen!
It is called "Maga Frank!" Because sure why not?
Yes it's real. We know the poster doesn't look real because of how Charlie Kirk's face fits on his head. But it's real.
And yes, the name "Maga Frank" is stupid and shitty, but so is the name of Lindell's print-out-the-YouTubes site "Frank," which was originally to be called
Yelpr VOCL, except for then he found out "VOCL" was taken, because he had done so much research on his new business venture. Maybe he wanted to call it "FrankFest" at first but discovered that name is taken by a festival in Frankfort, Kentucky, and a heavy metal festival in Devon, UK, and also a metal club in the Dominican Republic.
Urban Dictionary says "FrankFest" is another way of saying "sausage party," and Mike Lindell does not throw sausage parties!
It says "for free tickets & info go to FrankSpeech.com" and we got some info. It is at the River's Edge Concert Park in Somerset, Wisconsin, on June 12, and it starts at 1 p.m. and ends at 5. You can get there at 9 in the morning, though, if you're worried there's going to be a line to get in. NO COOLERS, GRANDPA.
(Y'all, this place has a capacity of 25,000. This is going to be so sad. Ever heard the phrase "throwing hot dogs down a hallway"? This is going to be like rolling one package of hot dogs one at a time down the bleachers in a 25,000-seat amphitheater. "Maga Frank," indeed!)
As you can see from the poster, there are still a number of leading lights willing to bask in Mike Lindell's glory. Oh, the starfucking you'll do!
The event will star Lindell himself, so that's awesome. Additionally, there'll be a veritable "Where are they now?" of people who were influential enough for Wonkette to write about regularly as recently as a couple years ago. There is Diamond & Silk and there is Dinesh D'Souza and there is Trump-devoted former sheriff David Clarke and, you know, just lots of the best people.
Also there are a couple people you've never heard of. Like Brannon Howse, a conspiracy theory Jesus idiot who's only ever risen to the level of appearing on Wonkette once, as far as we can see, and it was because he interviewed a stupid shitbag idiot named Thomas McInerney, a retired Air Force general, who is just pretty sure this is what happened with the 2020 election:
FIVE DEAD AMERICANS, ALEX — special ops guys — perished in Germany recently, five American troops, because they were trying to seize an "election server" from a CIA facility in Frankfurt, Germany, a "server" that proves the election was stolen from Donald Trump, and so on and so forth, TRUST THE PLAN WWG1WGA!111!!1!1!1gHAZI1`11!1!
Yeah, that guy! But that's not the guy on the poster. The guy on the poster interviewed that guy.
And as you can see, it has Danielle D'Souza, who is ... [googles] ... Dinesh's daughter. Wow. We did not know Dinesh D'Souza had reproduced.
Also, as you can see, this has the full support of the Trump family, because of how none of their faces are on that poster. But hey you shut up, maybe some Trumps will come.
Did we mention the tickets are free and it would be terrible if all the kids on TikTok claimed them tonight? That would be just terrible.
Well that seems like a good place to end this post, as making fun of Mike Lindell for 800 straight words seems fair but 900 kind of feels cruel at this point.
Get your tickets, TikTok kids and K-Pop stans!
[h/t Aaron Rupar]
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Oh Etsy you're so sexy.
The One Million Moms living inside singular mother Monica Cole are mad about a thing. Again. The last we heard from them they were really upset about trans kids washing their hair with shampoo, which they seemed to believe is a thing for cis people only. Now they are mad at Etsy.
Yeah. You'd think they would have gone after that LGBTQ+ pride Lego set that all the conservatives have been crying about for the last month, but no. That is too obvious. They're going after Etsy. For being too sexy. And for selling things that they do not consider to be "family friendly." Because for some reason, they think Etsy has an obligation to be "family friendly."
The petition, which now has over 9,000 signatures (though not one million), reads:
Some consumers may be shocked to find out Etsy.com is no longer a family-friendly website. Etsy is selling graphic nude photos and sex toys including sex dolls. Etsy has become an adult themed store by including everything a fantasy store would sell. The site doesn't ask for age verification before viewing nude photos, and very few are pixelated or blurred for discretion. Our concern is that someone may stumble upon the images at any time, but especially in the coming weeks while searching for Father's Day gifts.
According to an online description, Etsy is supposed to be an e-commerce website that sells a wide variety of crafts, jewelry, and home décor, among other similar things, with a focus on handmade items.
Now it's a site that's also full of third-party pornography.
There are full nudity pictures, pinups, and posters of both heterosexual and homosexual partners engaging in sex. It is disgusting that Etsy has made this decision to become an online sex store rather than stick to its original policies of handcrafted and handmade items for sale from individual to individual.
We are confident many of our supporters would like to have this information before using the Etsy website, whether for purchasing or selling items for their families.
It is entirely possible to make a handcrafted dildo, Monica.
While I was able to find some of the things Cole described in her petition, as with most online marketplaces, I was only able to find them by searching for them specifically. Just as I was able to find many dildos and this giant nude portrait of Velma from Scooby-Doo on Amazon, which for some reason has zero customer reviews. So now my Etsy search history, which had been largely curated to mostly recommend nail art supplies and glamorous cape dresses from Bulgaria, is now all googoots and I'm going to have to spend the next week contemplating just what I would do if I went to someone's house and they had a giant nude portrait of Velma from Scooby-Doo hanging above their mantle.
But I digress.
One can also easily Google for these things. There are naked people and dildos all over the internet! Sex dolls, too. So, so many sex dolls. Not to mention the myriad documentaries about men who are in love with their sex dolls from the early 2010s, because that was a whole thing.
What exactly is it that Monica Cole imagines these hypothetical children would be searching for on Etsy, in terms of Father's Day presents, that would cause them to stumble upon a picture of a naked person or a dildo or some other sex toy? Is she concerned that they would be trying to buy a leather jacket for their father and just put "Leather Daddy" into the search bar? I don't know that children have that kind of money. That a search for ties could yield some BDSM-related results? Because that seems like a stretch. I did a search for golf balls and found absolutely zero testicles in the mix.
Perhaps Monica Cole and her "One Million Moms Who We Haven't Met Because They Are Models In Canada" friends might not be inclined to trust me, a woman who grew up in a house with a lovely picture of naked flapper ladies and is relatively sure she came out of it unscathed, but it seems like children looking for Father's Day presents are no more in danger of coming across a naked person or sex toy than they are on any other site on the internet. If parents fear that this is an issue, perhaps they should monitor their own children's internet use rather than going around telling Etsy they can't sell any crocheted dildo cozies or Mod Podged porn.
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His alleged pimp/buddy/wingman sure loves to sing.
On Monday, Rep. Matt Gaetz's wingman/pimp daddy Joel Greenberg will plead guilty to six federal charges including sex trafficking a minor, identity theft, stalking, wire fraud, and conspiracy to bribe a public official. The plea deal obliges Greenberg to spill all the dirty details on the nasty illegal shit he and his buddies got up to — and the FBI will not be Venmo-ing him money for "ice cream" or "tuition" either.
As Greenberg's lawyer Fritz Scheller said a month ago, "I am sure Matt Gaetz is not feeling very comfortable today."
The plea describes Greenberg's "commercial sex act" habit, for which he shelled out $70,000 in less than three years. He admits to having sex with the 17-year-old girl at the center of the trafficking allegations at least seven times before she reached majority and paying her extra to take Ecstasy with him. Which is lawtalk for child rape and distribution of narcotics to a minor.
The former Seminole County tax collector admits that "other men who Greenberg introduced the Minor to engaged in commercial sex acts with the Minor in Greenberg's presence when the Minor was under the age of 18 years old." Which squares with Greenberg's insanely ill-advised attempt to confess his way into a pardon via Roger Stone, in which he admitted that "On more than one occasion, [the Minor] was involved in sexual activities with several of the other girls, the congressman from Florida's First Congressional District and myself."
This walking crime spree used his position as Seminole County Tax Collector to generate fake IDs for himself and swipe used ones for his young "dates," the better to present themselves as old enough to rent a hotel room or drink in a bar. He also financed his cryptocurrency business using taxpayer money, which is apparently still a crime even if you give the money back later. Who knew!
And that's before we even get to the part about him stalking his election opponent and sending letters to his place of employment accusing him of having sex with a minor. (They should tack on an extra 18 months for murder of irony!)
No wonder this criminal mastermind has been asking other inmates for advice on PLEA DEAL, HOW DOES IT GO? according to Politico.
Suffice it to say, Joel Greenberg is a very bad man who is going to jail for a very long time, even with his cooperation agreement.
But let's leave this POS for the moment and turn to reporting from Politico on the federal investigation as it inches ever closer to Matt Gaetz. Apparently, the feds are spending quite a lot of quality time with young women who have spent some less quality time with the congressman, including a college student who dated the then-37-year-old Congressman back in 2018.
Two friends of Gaetz's ex-girlfriend, who is not the 17-year-old, say she is in talks to be a witness for the prosecution but she wants an immunity deal for possible obstruction. And another source familiar with the investigation previously told POLITICO that the alleged sex-trafficking victim was "100 percent" talking to prosecutors about Gaetz, but her level of cooperation or the information she gave is not clear.
The feds have been pursuing this woman for months, including seizing her phone in December, and they appear to have some serious leverage if reports are correct that she may have urged "the Minor" and other witnesses not to cooperate with federal investigators.
The woman grew increasingly concerned with the investigation because she may face obstruction charges after calling the alleged 17-year-old victim and her roommate, who were friends of hers from Central Florida, multiple sources said. The woman suspected that the 17-year-old and her roommate recorded her call perhaps because they were cooperating with the federal government, her friends said. That conversation could have exposed her to an obstruction of justice charge because she was opposed to talking to the feds, the friends said.
"She's worried about being hit with an obstruction charge, and she wants an immunity deal," one of the friends said.
Well, yeah, she very much should be worried. As should her old boyfriend and any other gross dude who engaged in "commercial sex acts" with Greenberg and his pals from SeekingArrangements.com. Because the feds aren't interesting in locking these women up for prostitution. Prosecutors need them to corroborate Greenberg's testimony, since that guy will make an absolutely shit witness — notwithstanding his habit of screenshotting incriminating messages and recording his sins for posterity.
"The first indictment of Joel Greenberg alleges that he falsely accused another man of sex with a minor for his own gain. That man was apparently innocent. So is Congressman Gaetz," blarbled Harlan Hill, the toddler in a trench coat Gaetz hired to do his crisis PR. Which is an excellent line of attack ... right up until the women start testifying about those orgies.
So let's all raise a warm glass of Maalox to House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, who just finished a week where he booted a high profile female congresswoman out of leadership, ignored another member of his caucus stalking her colleague, and watched multiple members pretend the January 6 Insurrection was just a fun tourist holiday. And next week's gonna be even better!
Couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of guys.
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We are just asking!
The Washington Post's Carol Leonnig is a real reporter, one of the best. So we'd like to be clear that this is not the gossip pages.
This is a real reporter reporting in a real book that apppppppppppparently certain members of the Trump family may have spent their time under Secret Service protection — WHICH YOU'RE STILL PAYING FOR, OR HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN? — enjoying some of the Secret Service's other secret services if you know what we mean and we think you do, allegedly.
Was it this Trump? Did this Trump invite the Secret Service back to his boudoir for a piece of his romance?
Was it this Trump?
Sorry, that's too gross. It wasn't the older Trump boys, and we are sorry we just made you think about them doing coituses, that is disgusting.
Was it THIS Trump?
LOL that .gif is so nasty.
OK, we'll stop fucking around and say it:
In [Leonnig's] new book, she writes that Secret Service agents reported that Vanessa Trump, the wife of the president's oldest son, Donald Trump Jr, "started dating one of the agents who had been assigned to her family". [...]
Leonnig reports that the agent concerned did not face disciplinary action as neither he nor the agency were official guardians of Vanessa Trump at that point.
Oh! Good for her! We remember when they got divorced and how happy we were for her. "Today is the first day of waking up next to anything but that face," we figured she thought on that first morning after it was all over. As Wonkette explained at the time, Page Six had been reporting that Trump Jr. and Vanessa were facing hard times because Idiot Boy was never home because he was always on a trip to shoot exotic animals in the face, and that when he was home, he had taken a turn for the yuck, on Twitter all the time with his head up the ass of all his father's conspiracy theories.
So at some point Vanessa Trump met a Secret Service agent and they had some fun. If Secret Service wasn't officially guarding her at the time, sounds like it was post-divorce. Score another victory for Vanessa Trump!
Leonnig also writes that Tiffany Trump, Donald Trump's daughter with his second wife, Marla Maples, broke up with a boyfriend and "began spending an unusual amount of time alone with a Secret Service agent on her detail".
Secret Service leaders, the book says, "became concerned at how close Tiffany appeared to be getting to the tall, dark and handsome agent".
Oh! Well OK! We'd like to know who was describing the agent as tall and dark and handsome. Was it the Secret Service leaders themselves? Were they mad at Tiffany because they wanted Hot Carl all to themselves?
According to Leonnig, Tiffany Trump and the agent involved said everything was on the up-and-up at the time, but eventually that guy got reassigned anyway. Her spokesperson issued a response to the Washington Post's queries about this new story, and that response is DENY.
Sorry this isn't as juicy as you all were sexpecting. But you really didn't think Donald Trump Jr. or Eric could score a Secret Service agent, did you? Kinda outta their league, we think.
The Guardian reports one final detail from Leonnig's book, about President Big Mac, and how nobody knows whether he knew what might be allegedly going on with either Vanessa or Tiffany and the Secret Service, but he sure did have some opinions about the Secret Service:
"I want these fat guys off my detail," Trump is reported to have said, possibly confusing office-based personnel with active agents. "How are they going to protect me and my family if they can't run down the street?"
Can't have a president as zippy and svelte as Donald Trump outrunning his own Secret Service ag- ...
The book, Zero Fail: The Rise and Fall of the Secret Service (Wonkette cut link!), actually sounds really interesting, which is unsurprising because Leonnig has been reporting on the Secret Service for years and years. Sounds like they still got some serious problems. If you'd like to read a serious report about the book that doesn't include any dick jokes about Donald Trump Jr.'s face, then A) what's wrong with you, and B) Ashley Parker of the Washington Post got that covered.
She includes the parts about Vanessa and Tiffany, though. That's what ERRRBODY'S talking about.
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If you happen to have some extra money right now, we would take it.