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Meet Robert. Robert Wants To Be Governor Of Mississippi. OH NO, EVERYBODY THINKS YOU'RE F*CKING ROBERT NOW!

Robert Foster can't be alone with lady reporters, because he might uncontrollably fuck them. That is what 'Christianity' means.

Stop us if you have heard this old yarn before!

There is a politician with weird Christian beliefs, and no, we don't mean he's weird because he's a Christian, we mean he's weird because he's got these fucked up stupidass beliefs, deserving of mockery and scorn, that say that women are, at heart, nothing more than sexual objects. Therefore he and his wife have a rule that says he's not allowed to be alone with any woman ever, even in work situations, because he might be forced to fuck her, by virtue of the fact that he is MAN. No seriously, this is what he believes! He says it's about preserving the so-called sanctity of his "Handmaid's Tale" marriage, and that he's only doing this because "people" will talk if they see him walking around the office by himself with a woman, or discussing a project at the water cooler, because everybody will look at them and immediately assume they are engaged in rollicking nightly bouts of #ForbiddenCoitus, and it will never even cross their minds that maybe they are coworkers. But you can tell that there is something much more gross at play, because WHAT THE FUCK ADULT WITH A MODICUM OF SELF-CONTROL NEEDS TO HAVE A "RULE" LIKE THIS? Upon hearing about the so-called couple's so-called rule, what people actually assume is that he has probably cheated on her with a lady, or possibly a gentleman, but shhhhh let's not talk about that.

No, we are not talking about Mike Pence (though of course, we are talking about Mike Pence).

Giphy

We are talking about Robert Foster, who would like to be the GOP governor of Mississippi. He's a state representative from the metropolis of "Hernando," which is a suburb of Memphis, which means yr Memphis Wonkette right here is going to be keeping our eye out for Mr. Foster walking around with hot dudes half his age, just so we can nod to ourselves and say, "He's respecting his wife right now." Or maybe we will point and loudly say to bystanders, "Those guys right there are a good example of two people who are NOT fuckin'!"

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Media/Entertainment

Mollie Hemingway Wants You To Know Christine Blasey Ford Was A Big Slutty Drunkerson

Terrible human being is terrible.

Mollie Hemingway appeared on Laura Ingraham's show yesterday and they had a "Horrible Human Being" contest. As usual on Ingraham's program, everyone was a winner! Hemingway, senior editor for The Federalist, is shilling her new book about Brett Kavanaugh's contentious confirmation to the Supreme Court. It's called "Justice on Trial" (no link) because conservatives like to depict the Federalist Society poster child as an innocent victim of a frenzied liberal mob, the conservative version of Tom Robinson.

The "villain" in their realty is Christine Blasey Ford, who accused Kavanaugh of attempted sexual assault. Her testimony was moving and credible. It was also completely ignored. Susan Collins gave a speech and everything. Why are conservatives such sore winners?

Last night, Hemingway revealed new "inside info" that blows the whole Kavanaugh case wide open. It doesn't matter that there is no Kavanaugh case anymore; he is a Supreme Court Justice, and Ford is still in hiding from right-wing nut jobs who want to kill her. Yeah, no one suffered more from all of this than Kavanaugh, who was at most mildly inconvenienced for a few weeks before receiving his dream job, for life.

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Sex

Teen Vogue: Wanking Is Magic

WANKETTE.

We find ourselves in the uncomfortable position of not really being able to mock an article at righty outlet The American Conservative. At least not much. Oh, sure, you'd think it would be ripe for ridicule, since it involves what sounds like some moralizing about witchcraft, masturbation, and Teen Vogue. The tweet promoting the piece sure sounds like it's going to be heavy on finger wagging and culture war:

Thing is? The Teen Vogue feature in question really is some industrial-strength woo on a par with "The Secret" or any other "law of attraction" New Age hokum. More surprisingly, the American Conservative critique, by Libby Emmons, is generally valid-ish, even thoughtful at moments, and almost free of panic about the crazy liberals trying to turn patriotic American girls into self-abusing witches. (Fortunately, other culture wars outlets like Newsbusters and "Rapture Forums" picked up the slack and accused Teen Vogue of exactly that.)

The Teen Vogue piece is part of a series on "Practical Magic" by someone calling herself "Lisa Stardust." She's an astrologer, and apparently unrelated to David Bowie, so don't look for a Spiders From Mars reunion tour. The column promises readers they can achieve big life changes through sex magic, because it is the 21st century and you may as well tell young folks they can have it all by polishing the pearl:

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Legal

Duncan Hunter Boned Lobbyists, Staffers, For AMERICA

Newt Gingrich applauds.

Last week, prosecutors in the case against Congressman Duncan Hunter (R-California), who's accused of illegally spending buttloads of campaign cash on personal expenses, documented that Hunter used his campaign's credit card to pay for affairs with five (5) women he wasn't exactly married to. The details of spending on hotels, late-night Uber rides, and other stuff -- enough for a pretty good weekend in Vegas -- were necessary, prosecutors said, to show the spending had no legitimate campaign purpose. The government further hinted there was even more "Additional Potentially Sensitive Conduct" that might be filed under seal, so as to prevent tainting the jury pool. You never want to mess with the jurors' taints.

In a court filing Friday, lawyers for Hunter argued the government had no business mentioning the extramarital nug-a-nug; after all, he was making the beast with two backs with several lobbyists, a congressional staffer, and an aide in his office and therefore the fadoodling-related expenses were legitimate campaign expenditures, because Duncan Hunter cares so much about The People's business that even his trysts count as politicking. Yes, they really are arguing these weren't illegal personal expenses because Hunter was hard at work.

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Feminininism

Incels Are Mad Because Air Force Briefing Got Their Precious Memes Wrong

Yes, that is the really important thing here.

On Monday morning, 22-year-old Army veteran Brian Isaack Clyde showed up, armed to the teeth, at the Earle Cabell Federal Building and Courthouse in Dallas and opened fire. No one was seriously injured, except for Clyde, who died being taken down by law enforcement.

In a development that should shock absolutely no one at this point, Clyde had recently been posting "incel memes" on Facebook, notably one delineating the differences between a "virgin shooting" and a "Chad rampage."


Classy, no?

In light of attacks like this, personnel at Joint Base Andrews, an Air Force base in Maryland, were recently given a briefing on the threat posed by incels. The briefing was made public when a slide (the featured image on this post) was posted in an Air Force Facebook group, and a spokesperson confirmed its authenticity to Task and Purpose.

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2019 state and local elections

You Can't Keep Virginia's Joe Morrissey Or Herpes Down

An old Wonkette 'favorite' flares up again.

Like that rash you get in the warmer, wetter months -- when you thought the cream your doctor gave you had taken care of, but still gives you an odd sense of satisfaction when you scratch it -- Joseph Dee Morrissey is back. A few years ago, Morrissey was a regular embarrassment to all Democrats, and especially to the Virginia House of Delegates, where he waved around an AK-47 on the floor, and sexed his underaged secretary.

Well get ready for a new outbreak. On Tuesday, Morrissey won the Democratic primary for the 16th district of the Virginia Senate, knocking off incumbent and establishment favorite Senator Rosalyn Dance by a 12-point margin. The SD16 is such a safe Democratic seat that the GOP didn't even bother to scare up a patsy to run there. In Virginia, there is a lot of pearl-clutching and shock about Morrissey's win, mostly from nice optimists who should not be surprised by the success of an amoral creep.

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popular

This Guy Is Why No One Believes Anti-Choicers When They Say It's Not About Controlling Women

So shocking. We can hardly believe it.

A Mississippi lawmaker was arrested this past weekend for punching his wife in the face, because he wanted to have sex with her, and she did not get undressed fast enough. Doug McLeod, a Mississippi state Representative since 2012, was reportedly also very drunk at the time.

McLeod's wife told police responding to her domestic violence call that he "just snapped." He punched her so hard that there was blood on their bed and floor. She ran to the room of another woman living with them and they locked themselves inside to call the police. It was at this point that Rep. McLeod started banging on the door and threatening to kill her dog.

McLeod was still drunk when the police arrived, holding a glass of liquor in his hand and "had slurred speech and walked slow in a zigzag pattern." They arrested him and charged him with misdemeanor domestic violence and then released him on a $1000 bond. Mississippi law, for the record, does not prohibit those with domestic violence misdemeanors from owning guns or ammunition, which I would imagine is not a very fun fact if you happen to be Doug McLeod's wife.

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Feminininism

From the Party That Brought You 'Legitimate Rape,' It's CONSENSUAL Rape!

It was only a matter of time.

Today, the Missouri House is discussing a bill meant to outlaw abortion after eight weeks, without exceptions for rape and incest. Because they're gross. During this hearing, state Rep. Barry Hovis got up and started talking about his experiences with rape victims as a police officer, and the ways in which this qualified him to be sure that eight weeks is more than enough time for a victim to get an abortion if they so choose.

In the course of this diatribe, Hovis used the term "consensual rape" to refer to ... we don't know what, actually.

Transcript via Heavy:


"Most of my rapes were not the gentlemen jumping out of the bushes that nobody had ever met. That was one or two times out of one hundred. Most of them were date rapes or consensual rapes, which were all terrible, but I sat in court — sat in court — when juries would struggle with those types of situations where it was a 'he-said she-said,' and they would find the person not guilty. Unfortunate, if it really happened, but I had no control over that, because it was a judge or a jury making those decisions. But we'll just say someone is sexually assaulted. They have eight weeks to make a decision."

Following this, Rep. Raychel Proudie, our new hero, got up and told his ass that there is no such thing as "consensual rape."

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Feminininism

An Open Letter To Those Who Are 'Concerned About Women Using Abortion As Birth Control'

Breathe a sigh of relief, very reasonable people!

Dear People Who Keep Saying, Over and Over Again, "I Just Don't Want Women Using Abortion as a Form of Birth Control,"

Abortion is in the news, everyone's talking about all the new anti-abortion bills being signed in various states, and you're looking for a thing to say that sets you apart from the "extremists" on both sides. You've settled on this. It's an oldie, but a goodie, and you believe it says to the world "I am a fair-minded person who is not a monster."

I know you consider yourselves very reasonable people with moderate opinions, the kind any reasonable person ought to agree with. In fact, you probably picked it up from someone you thought sounded very reasonable. You are probably constantly saying all kinds of other very reasonable things like "I'm socially liberal, but fiscally conservative" and "There are three sides to every story: What he said, what she said, and the truth somewhere in the middle," you're tired of "identity politics," and you wouldn't consider yourself a feminist because you don't "hate men." You think we should help people who are really poor, but your brother-in-law's third cousin has seen people at the grocery store who do not even look poor using EBT cards, and you just think most of them are probably abusing the system.

You probably also have a whole lot to say about how you are doing paleo or keto now. I would imagine. Or whatever the new diet of the moment is, I don't know, but at least you're not talking about gluten anymore. Either way, I am sure that your Instagram is very compelling.

That being said.

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Feminininism

Flames On The Sides Of Our Face: A Lunatic Abortion Law Round-Up Of MAD

There's too much. There's just too much.

Wow! There is a hell of a lot of ground to cover in the general reproductive rights arena and there is just not enough time or gin in the world for me to do individual posts on all of them. So what I'm gonna do is just a little listicle on a bunch of crap that's happening and some of the crap we've missed, because, again, THERE'S TOO GODDAMN MUCH. Okay? Okay.

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Culture Wars

Why Can't These 'Pro-Life' States Stop Killing Infants All the Time?

Weird how that happens.

Last night, Alabama Governor Kay Ivey, who is well past the age where an unwanted pregnancy might be a concern, signed a bill outlawing abortion entirely, except in the case of the "life of the mother." It is -- so far -- the most restrictive ban in the country, following several six-week abortion bans popping up in Georgia, Ohio, Kentucky and Mississippi.

While legislators in these states are very excited for the chance to see Roe v. Wade overturned—which it will be, why even pretend anymore—and to see abortion banned entirely, that does not seem to be what the majority of people in this country, even in their own states, want. In fact, there is not a single state where more than 20% of the population actually wants this.

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News

Was It Jerry Falwell Jr. In The Outhouse With The Pool Boy? DOES WONKETTE WIN THE GAME OF 'CLUE'?

We are just asking.

We would like to say right here at the outset that we do not care what kind of cuck bullshit Jerry Falwell Jr. and his wife get up to, if they do in fact get up to cuck bullshit, and we do not know that they do. We don't know if old Jerry is sticking it to the pool boy, or if the pool boy is sticking it to him, or to anyone else, or if they even have a pool boy. And we certainly would not like to know if Jerry Falwell (allegedly!) likes to have the pool boy do sexuals to his mother in the outhouse while they're both "drunk off [their] God-fearing asses on Campari." That would be GUH-ROSS, not just because Mrs. Falwell is dead, but also obviously because it is not Bible-approved, and regardless, YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

But because this is 2019, we do now know that back in 2015, Michael Cohen (who is on like day three of prison, hope he's making friends and not getting in any trouble!) claims, he helped Falwell deal with some RACY PICTURES he didn't want getting out, pictures described as "between husband and wife." Not long after that, Falwell endorsed Donald Trump.

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News

TN Speaker's Racist Sexist COS Now Unemployed POS

His boss needs to join him.

Tennessee House Speaker Glen Casada's chief of staff Cade Cothren resigned Monday night, and it wasn't just because he'd allegedly tried to frame a black student activist. It turns out Cothren has a repulsive history of sending racist and sexist text messages. He's also made gross advances toward former interns, lobbyists, and campaign staffers. He's a full deck of House of Cards.

The text messages are from 2014 to 2016. Cothren was the House Republicans' press secretary at the time, so in theory he should've known a better way to communicate with people. Cothren also seems to think three to five years ago is the distant past.

COTHREN: I'm just not the same guy that I was several years back. I was young and dumb and immature. There's no excuse for it at all, and I'm not trying to make excuses, but I can tell you that I have changed since then... While I'm not proud of who I was in the past, I am proud that, with God's grace and a strong support system, I've been able to achieve so much in the years since.

We normally believe that "existence precedes essence" but Cothren's actual existence is putrid and slimy. Texts show that Cothren requested oral sex and nude photos from interns like he was using a pervert's GrubHub. He told a lobbyist that he'd be up for sleeping with an older woman (charming). He also asked an intern about her underwear and orgasms. He could've just called a phone sex line, but he probably enjoyed exerting his dominance over women in the workplace. He's an asshole is all we're saying.

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Feminininism

Hero Judge Blocks Trump's Terrible Abortion Gag Rule... For Now.

It was previously set to go into effect May 3.

Back in February, the Trump administration announced that it would be making the global gag rule on abortion truly global by implementing it right here in the United States. The new rule will bar family planning centers that refer patients to abortion providers from receiving Title X funding. The $286 million will instead be given to "faith-based" groups like Obria that, uh, pretty much just provide pregnancy tests for people who apparently don't know you can get pregnancy tests at the dollar store, and tell people about the rhythm method and adoption, for people who are somehow unaware that those things exist as well.

It's bad. It's ... it's really, really bad. And it's set to go into effect on May 3.

But (PHEW) we may be granted a reprieve. Late on Tuesday night, after hearing arguments from Planned Parenthood, the American Medical Association, and a coalition representing 20 US states and the District of Columbia, US District Judge Michael J. McShane, an Obama appointee, announced that he would grant a preliminary injunction against the new rule. The judge also granted a preliminary injunction against another stupid new rule that would prohibit Title X family planning centers from being housed in the same place as abortion providers. He says he will issue a formal opinion soon.

Via The Oregonian:

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Culture Wars

Hey Aaron Schock, What'd You Find Down That Dude's Pants At Coachella?

DICK, I RECKON!

AIN'T THIS JUST ALWAYS THE WAY?

You're a young-ish gay bro with a smokin' hot body, and you've gone to Coachella with your young-ish gay bro friends with smokin-hot bodies (you are WeHo gays, because of course you are). Your shirts are off, you're glistening with sweat as you grind to the music, maaaaaaaybe there are some illegal drugs coursing through your veins and some poppers in your fanny pack for later, and before you know it somebody puts a picture of you on the internet with your tongue in some dude's mouth and your hands down his pants. Whatcha lookin' for in there, young-ish gay bro with the smokin' hot body? Buried treasure? Or maybe just D-I-K? (Not gonna lie, we have been in similar situations.)

Did we mention you are Aaron Schock, former anti-gay congressman from Peoria, Illinois, the quote-unquote "metrosexual" dude who resigned in disgrace in a corruption scandal and proceeded to be indicted in 2016 on 24 counts? (The one who you -- different "you," Editrix Rebecca "you," not the Aaron Schock "you" -- had thought was already out of the closet and didn't understand why this was a post, and you were like "why is this a post, Evan, dude isn't even in Congress anymore, so, he kissed a guy, big fuckin' whoop" and THEN you realized that oh, that bitch has been lying this whooooole time, and in fact was still "metrosexual" and "straight" and "a big fucking gaybasher" up until now:thirty? -- Ed.)

Well, far be it from us to say people shouldn't have second chances, or that there's anything wrong with throwin' hips with a gay bro of the same gender -- or several in the same weekend! -- but on the same day when the first legitimately openly gay presidential candidate is being mocked by protesters dressing up as him and BEATING JESUS CHRIST (because that's what gays do!) and screaming at him about Sodom and Gomorrah, we kind of give a shit.

Smile, Aaron Schock, you seem to be on candid camera!

OH RLY?

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