Conspiracy theories

MyPillow Guy Would Like To Invite You To A Frank Fest. No, Not Like That, You Perverts!

Definitely the hottest event of the summer.

ARE YOU GUYS READY FOR THE HOTTEST FUCKING PARTY SINCE THE MYPILLOW GUY FUCKED HIS WAY THROUGH SOUTH DAKOTA'S FAMED CORN PALACE?

Because that happened. Except for the Mike Lindell fucking part, we apologize for even suggesting Mike Lindell fucks. But it was a party. Joe Piscopo told "I'm not racist, just kidding maybe I'm a racist" jokes. The corn-o-palooza was attended by around 1,500 of the hottest Big Lie lovers around, people who are just pretty sure Donald Trump is still president, and will ride back into the Oval Office like the Son of Man, coming on the clouds. (The event space capacity was over 3,000 and Lindell claimed 30,000 were going to show up.)

Watch out, Mr. Alphabet, Mr. Google, Suckabuck and Dorky!

And all those guys need to really watch out because, again, it is time for the THE HOTTEST FUCKING PARTY SINCE THE ... yeah, you get the idea. And Mike Lindell's social media website, FrankSpeech, which DOES TOO WORK, is going to help make it happen!

It is called "Maga Frank!" Because sure why not?

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Culture Wars

One Million Moms Scared Kids Are Gonna Buy Sex Dolls For Father's Day On Etsy

Oh Etsy you're so sexy.

The One Million Moms living inside singular mother Monica Cole are mad about a thing. Again. The last we heard from them they were really upset about trans kids washing their hair with shampoo, which they seemed to believe is a thing for cis people only. Now they are mad at Etsy.

Yeah. You'd think they would have gone after that LGBTQ+ pride Lego set that all the conservatives have been crying about for the last month, but no. That is too obvious. They're going after Etsy. For being too sexy. And for selling things that they do not consider to be "family friendly." Because for some reason, they think Etsy has an obligation to be "family friendly."

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Legal

And How Is Rep. Matt Gaetz's Friday Going?

His alleged pimp/buddy/wingman sure loves to sing.

On Monday, Rep. Matt Gaetz's wingman/pimp daddy Joel Greenberg will plead guilty to six federal charges including sex trafficking a minor, identity theft, stalking, wire fraud, and conspiracy to bribe a public official. The plea deal obliges Greenberg to spill all the dirty details on the nasty illegal shit he and his buddies got up to — and the FBI will not be Venmo-ing him money for "ice cream" or "tuition" either.

As Greenberg's lawyer Fritz Scheller said a month ago, "I am sure Matt Gaetz is not feeling very comfortable today."

The plea describes Greenberg's "commercial sex act" habit, for which he shelled out $70,000 in less than three years. He admits to having sex with the 17-year-old girl at the center of the trafficking allegations at least seven times before she reached majority and paying her extra to take Ecstasy with him. Which is lawtalk for child rape and distribution of narcotics to a minor.

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Trump

Did Trumps Bone Secret Service In More Ways Than One?

We are just asking!

The Washington Post's Carol Leonnig is a real reporter, one of the best. So we'd like to be clear that this is not the gossip pages.

This is a real reporter reporting in a real book that apppppppppppparently certain members of the Trump family may have spent their time under Secret Service protection — WHICH YOU'RE STILL PAYING FOR, OR HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN? — enjoying some of the Secret Service's other secret services if you know what we mean and we think you do, allegedly.

Was it this Trump? Did this Trump invite the Secret Service back to his boudoir for a piece of his romance?

Was it this Trump?

Sorry, that's too gross. It wasn't the older Trump boys, and we are sorry we just made you think about them doing coituses, that is disgusting.

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