2016 Presidential Election

Who Among Us Hasn't Sold Hoohoo-Peener Pics Of Our Sister And Jeff Bezos To The National Enquirer For $250K?

With friends like these ...

If Jeff Bezos's wandering dick winds up taking out Trump, it will be the surprise ending we all deserve. We elected a tabloid president who likes to play footsie with murderous Saudi dictators. Trump's pals at the National Enquirer also like to rub up against the Saudis and their giant money bags. Enquirer publisher David Pecker seems to have bollixed his attempt to neutralize America's richest man, possibly in an attempt to suck up to Saudi prince Mohammed bin Salman and Donald Trump. And now Jeff Bezos is reportedly threatening to bring the whole sordid edifice crumbling down with a "90-page investigative report that will make the case that the Enquirer published the Bezos exposé to curry favor with Saudi investors." U-S-A! U-S-A!

Vanity Fair's Gabe Sherman has been talking to Lauren Sanchez's brother Michael since the story broke in January. When last we left the Trash Twins, Michael Sanchez had been confirmed as AMI's source for both the texts and the photos of his sister and her boyfriend Jeff Bezos. Although he was originally coy as to who might have leaked the texts, Sanchez had previously insisted to Sherman that he didn't send pictures of his sister's crotch to the National Enquirer.

"I'm not saying I didn't do something. [...] Until I go under oath, what I can tell you now is that ever since April 20, when I met Jeff, my only goal has been to protect Jeff and Lauren."
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sex crimes

R. Kelly Is A Bad Man Who Was Good At Singing... Now He's In Jail.

Jail is where he belongs.

If it can be said that "all good things must come to an end", then surely, so too can it be said that, "all bad things will eventually go fuck themselves." Or something. Things end all the time; there are deaths, cancellations, even shunnings; there are breakups, separations, divorces, and often people simply just choose to leave. But sometimes that choice is taken from people, sometimes that choice isn't even offered, because sometimes the Chicago Police Department arrests your ass on multiple sexual assault charges because Avenatti's busy ass got ahold of the sex tape you made with an underage girl victim. Because these days, the things you do on the "Down Low" get put on Front Street, then all of a sudden... life comes at you fast.

If you recall, Kelly recently threatened to sue Lifetime for producing the documentary Surviving R. Kelly, and unfortunately for him, his reaction to the film is likely what spurred the investigation into his sex cult, and led to his subsequent arrest. The self-ownage in this caper delivers a sweetly intoxicating and purely delightful schadenfreude, I must warn you now... When you watch the video of him being arrested, if you look at his face, you'll be absolutely fucking giddy from the sad clown look on his mug.

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Hot Mess

Jeff Bezos's Dick: A Cautionary Tale

Seriously, boys, think with the big head!

What the hell is the richest man in the world doing with this pack of Jerry Springer rejects? We're just a simple East Coast elitist, but we cannot fathom why a guy who can buy a Renoir with his lunch money would get mixed up with the Trash Twins in this tabloid shit. But we do appreciate the break from President Sundowner and the downfall of democracy, so double glove it, kids -- WE'RE GOIN' IN!

Since Jeff Bezos dropped his Medium post accusing the National Enquirer of trying to sextort him, possibly at the behest of Saudi Arabia, the Amazon CEO has been largely silent. His girlfriend Lauren Sanchez has also had the sense to keep her mouth shut. But her brother, Trump-loving "talent" agent Michael Sanchez -- call now to book such luminaries as Carter Page and Scottie Nell Hughes! -- will not shut the fuck up.

According to Sanchez, Bezos has two trusted advisers: international security expert Gavin de Becker and ... Michael Sanchez, talent agent to the dopes! Because OBVIOUSLY. While de Becker counseled his client to use discretion to protect himself, Sanchez advocated playing ball with The Enquirer.

"Lauren calls it a cockfight," Sanchez told Vanity Fair's Gabe Sherman:

Over the last year, he said, he served as an unofficial adviser to the couple as they discussed what would happen if their love affair leaked. "They were talking marriage," he told me. "The three of us had discussed before that, at some point, this was going to be a scandal. My advice was, let's get to the other side. Our analogy was always that they were landing a 747. I told them, 'You're both pilots and you've never landed a 747, but that's what we're trying to do here.'"

Jeff Bezos is ... Ted Striker? And Lauren Sanchez is ... Elaine? OH NO, THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO BLOW ROC!

Airplane 2 - She's gonna have to blow the computer. Guess what: the computer likes it!

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Leaking Naked Pics Of Your Own Sister And Blaming The Deep State. Baller Move, Bro!

Their parents must be so proud!

If you had Jeff Bezos's dick as the First Amendment hero of 2019, then order us a double of whatever you're having, because we did not see this one coming at all. Okay, here's where we stand as of Monday morning -- one of two batshit crazy things must be true:

  1. Either Jeff Bezos's girlfriend Lauren Sanchez conspired with her brother Michael to leak her own half naked selfies to the National Enquirer; or
  2. Michael Sanchez is the worst person in America not currently serving in the White House.

Last night, The Daily Beast confirmed that Michael Sanchez was, in fact, the source of texts and emails between his sister and Bezos leaked to The National Enquirer. You know, in case there was anyone left who hadn't worked that one out after the Enquirer's lawyer Elkan Abramowitz went on ABC's "This Week" and told George Stephanopoulos:

ABRAMOWITZ: What happened was the story was given to The National Enquirer by a reliable source who had been giving information for years prior to the story. It was a source that was well known to both Mr. Bezos and Miss Sanchez.

STEPHANOPOULOS: Was it Michael Sanchez?

ABRAMOWITZ: I can't discuss who the source was. Just -- it's confidential within AMI, so I'm not going to answer who the source was. It was somebody close to both Bezos and Miss Sanchez.
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ANOTHER Government Shutdown!?! Wonkagenda For Mon., Feb. 11, 2019.

Trump demands WALL (again), everyone is still talking about Jeff Bezos's dick pics, and so much more. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Grab A Big Peener Toilet For Jeff Bezos, Because Turns Out That Thing Is HOLYSHITHUGE

Oh, National Enquirer, did you want to play?

Keyser Söze is REAL, y'all! He's HERE! And he will burn this shit to the ground before he lets a couple of two-bit tabloid hacks blackmail his ass. You threaten to publish Jeff Bezos's dick pics? He will whip that sucker out and unroll it right across the table. And he'll put it on the internet, because FUCK YOU IS WHY.

In case you missed Bezos's little bombshell, our nation's second favorite mommyblogger penned a Medium post last night.

"Something unusual happened to me yesterday," he began. What had happened was those vampires at the National Enquirer's parent company, American Media Inc. (AMI), emailed him an explicit threat to publish semi-naked selfies of Bezos and his girlfriend Lauren Sanchez if the Washington Post didn't kill a story suggesting that the Enquirer's coverage of Bezos was politically motivated. Yes, the magazine that was just six months ago granted an immunity deal after admitting to participating in a criminal conspiracy to help Donald Trump's campaign, the same magazine that accused Ted Cruz's father of being part of the plot to assassinate JFK and flogged ten thousand lies about Hillary Clinton's health after Jerome Corsi and Roger Stone suggested that might be a good plan, the guys who spent decades killing stories that might be embarrassing to publisher David Pecker's pal Donald Trump -- those assholes are GRRRR SO MAD that anyone would suggest their editorial decisions are based on something other than the highest journalistic ethics? How very dare you!

We're not going to go back over the weird connection between Lauren Sanchez's Trump-loving brother Michael and wingnut demi-monde figures Roger Stone, Carter Page, and Scottie Nell Hughes. We already talked about those dipshits -- twice. But when The Daily Beast reported that Bezos's security chief, Gavin de Becker, strongly suspected Sanchez of leaking his sister's texts and that the Enquirer's publication was politically motivated, we weren't exactly FOR SHOCKED. Donald Trump certainly seems to have appreciated the favor.

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We're Not Even Going To Say What This Kansas Judge Did In The Headline, Because UGHHHHH

Sorry, don't mean to clickbait you, but UGHHHHH.

A disgusting, gross 67-year-old man from Leavenworth, Kansas, was convicted last year for soliciting sex from young girls through Facebook. Raymond Soden exchanged messages with a 13-year-old girl and offered her money for nude photos of herself and for physical sex acts. Soden was not confused and merely thought he was chatting up a kinky senior citizen online. He knew the girl was 13.

Soden should rightly spend the rest of his twisted life behind bars. He had two prior convictions, one for battery and the other for sexual battery. The prosecution argued for a somewhat-fitting 13 years in prison, in keeping with state guidelines. District Court Judge Michael Gibbens instead sentenced Soden to just five years and 10 months. Soden's current victims might be old enough to vote then.

Kansas state law required that Gibbens have "compelling" reasons for his softball sentence, and Gibbens's rationale is almost as sick as Soden is. He claims that Soden's victims were partly to blame for what happened. He wasn't even convinced they'd actually been harmed all that much.

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Hot Mess

Roger Stone Angrily Denies Hacking Jeff Bezos's Phone To Stunned Arby's Cashier

Why is this happening?

Why does every story in 2019 involve Roger Stone? He's like cilantro -- they put him in everything! Look, now he's a character in Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos's divorce saga!


Well, someone gave Bezos's personal texts with his girlfriend Lauren Sanchez to The National Enquirer. And Roger Stone, who is pals with Sanchez's brother Michael, says it sure as hell wasn't him. The Daily Beast reports:

Stone confirmed his association with Sanchez in text messages with The Daily Beast on Wednesday evening. "I do know Michael Sanchez—very good guy," he wrote. Stone proceeded to deny that he hacked Bezos' phone. When The Daily Beast pointed out that it had never suggested or asked if he had, Stone replied, "You are busted. You are not a journalist. No one believes anything you write."

We love how they always tell The Daily Beast and other reporters that they're BUSTED!, which is just a really cool thing to say here in 1994.

In case you missed the back story -- because reading about other people's marriages is gross and squicky, and really, who has the bandwidth right now? -- Jeff Bezos and his wife MacKenzie are getting divorced. He was having an affair with former Los Angeles newscaster Lauren Sanchez, and his embarrassingly sincere texts were leaked to The National Enquirer. Do you want to read one consenting adult tell another, "I want to tuck you in slowly?" We do not.

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Culture Wars

InfoWars Saw Goody Beto Busting Out Of His Sexxxy Devil Sheep Costume

Sometimes a man in a sheep onesie is just a man in a sheep onesie.

Did you guys see that funny video Mother Jones found of Beto O'Rourke dressed up in a smokin' tight onesie and a sheep mask doing "Blitzkrieg Bop" by the Ramones? It is a fun video!

Onesie-wearing Beto O'Rourke sings The Ramones in newly unearthed video

This was years after Beto was in a band called Foss and he looked like the hot guy on the left because he was the hot guy on the left:

As you can see, he had cut his luscious locks by the time the sheep thing happened. So instead he looked like this:

Side view 'cause we like you. Take as long as you need with the pictures.

Mother Jones explains the back story, which is that in 2003 and 2004, Beto was in this one band called The Sheeps, which was supposed to be a famous band from New Zealand, but the joke was that The Sheeps didn't exist -- it was just Beto and his friends! And they had to dress up like very sexxxy sheeps, so nobody would know The Sheeps were FAKE NEWS!

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Arizona GOP Lady Will Build The Wall ... WITH JIZZ!

This would be climactic.

Finally, a GoFundMe that might work! Or the opposite of that!

We present to you Arizona state Rep. Gail Griffin, who is a Republican, which should be obvious because this is a post about a politician trying to punish people for having SEXXXY URGES. She has this bill, HB 2444, which would regulate how Internet service providers are allowed to show boobies and peeners. (It is very specific about boobies and peeners, even saying that if a peener is "discernibly turgid," it's porn, even if it is underneath clothes. Also porn? All butts.) The whole idea is that everybody in Arizona would essentially have parental controls enabled by Gail Griffin, but if you can prove you are 18, and if you're willing to ask your Comcast to show you the porns, and if you swear on the Bible that you understand that by asking Comcast to show you the porns, that means Comcast will show you the porns, AND YOU COUGH UP 20 AMERICAN DOLLARS, then you can look at the porns.


Presumably millions of Arizonans would, in this totalitarian system, say fine, here is 20 bucks, which means Arizona would end up with a lot of 20 dollar bills in its thong. But Gail Griffin has a solution for that, and it is WALL. It's a perfect system! You pay to jizz, and Gail Griffin gets to use your jizz money for a racist border wall that Mexican drug cartels can tunnel right under. (Presumably the wall would not be built with any actual jizz. Get to work jizz-gineers!)

The money would be ejaculated into a new John McCain Human Trafficking And Child Exploitation Prevention Fund, which does not appear to have much to do with human trafficking or child exploitation prevention, but hell, fucker's dead, so he's not here to tell Gail Griffin she's being a weird asshole right now. The Fund would do lots of things besides WALL, but WALL is listed first, so we are going to assume this is mostly about WALL.

Now, look, you might mock Gail Griffin, but Wonkette dot com is a helper like Mr. Rogers, so let's check her math to see if erections and jizzes can really feasibly pay for the jizzy erection of WALL.

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How Sad! NRA Dudes Think There Is A World Where AOC Would Date Them.

There is not.

On Friday, Grant Stinchfield of NRAtv and literally nothing else, got all huffy about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and her completely reasonable economic plan to tax earnings over $10 million at 70%, just like we did before the 1980s, when everything went to shit. She wants to stick it to rich people, who are great! and also she probably wants to take Grant Stichfields guns away!

Joining him in his bullshit was Jesse Kelly, of noted bad takes factory The Federalist, whose main contribution to the conversation was that he thought AOC was pretty hot and suggested that he totally wanted her to manic pixie dream girl his ugly Republican ass.

As if.

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Tucker Carlson Wishes Women Would Stop Destroying America By Having Jobs

Will no one think of the men?

Women! We're always going on and on about how we'd like to get equal pay for equal work, how we want to be successful in our respective careers, how we want to be taken seriously. But do we ever consider how this might impact the menfolk? No, we do not, because that would be stupid.

But you know who has considered this? Tucker Carlson. In a recent segment on his show titled "MEN IN AMERICA," Carlson embraced his inner internet Men's Rights Activist and explained how now everyone is a drug addict or in jails because women not only had to go and have jobs, but have jobs that paid them money. More money, sometimes, than men were paid at their jobs. Can you imagine!

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YOU GET NOTHING! Wonkagenda For Thurs., Jan. 3, 2019

Trump's shutdown enters Day 13, and Nancy Pelosi comes out swinging. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Yeah, About Trump's Campaign Finance Noob Defense ...

Prolly shouldn't have spent 30 years bragging about buying all those politicians, TBH.

If cops want to charge you with DUI, they don't have to prove that you knew the legal blood alcohol limit -- they just introduce the breathalyzer results. If they want to charge you as a drug dealer, they don't have to prove that you knew how much marijuana transforms a simple possession charge into intent to distribute narcotics -- they just put your reefer on a scale. And if you are a non-citizen who accidentally votes, the state of Texas will send you to jail for eight years, without having to prove that you knowingly violated the statute. Because ignorance of the law is no defense.

Unless you're a rich asshole trying to buy a politician, in which case the rules are different for you. Please enjoy this fine Yale Law Journal article on the subject, or you can just take our word for it that a campaign finance conviction requires the prosecutor to prove that the defendant knew the law and willfully chose to violate it. So if you are charged with violating the Federal Elections Campaign Act, the Dumbass Defense is your best friend.

President Dumbass is currently embroiled in a campaign finance scandal over hush money payments to Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal, ladies who inexplicably chose to bump their bits against that orange excrescence and his misshapen mushroom member. It's a weird world! The president's "attorney" Rudy Giuliani is busily arglebargling nonsense to any reporter he can reach, as all the best lawyers do.

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Superlawyer Rudy Giuliani Is Ready To Confess. Again.

That's the sound of a thousand lawyers banging their heads on the wall.

Rudy Giuliani has A PLAN. Were you thinking that he just goes on television every Sunday and shouts whatever random incriminating shit pops into his bad brain at the time? Nope! If you compare the transcripts from his Fox and ABC hits from yeserday, you'll see that Rudy gave exactly the same interview, in the exact same order, twice -- once to George Stephanopoulos, and once to Chris Wallace. He's actually doing this on purpose!

Yeah, it's a really BAD PLAN. But, sure, fine, let's play along. Tell us, Rudy, what were the five talking points you were dispatched to barf out on national teevee on Sunday morning? Inquiring minds want to know!

1. Michael Cohen Tells Lies

Rudy Giuliani has news for you, America, and it is that Michael Cohen, the guy who just pleaded guilty to lying to Congress, is a bad lawyer who tells lies and tapes his clients, unlike Donald Trump, who is known for his sincerity and scrupulous honesty.

Here's the president's lawyer on Fox:

The president is telling the truth, yes. This man is lying.

Now, is that a big surprise to you that Michael Cohen is lying? The man got up in front of the judge and said I was a fiercely loyal to Donald Trump. Nonsense he was fiercely loyal to him, he taped him, lied to him, revealed the tape and did something a lawyer I've never heard ever did -- tape record his own client.

And here he is on ABC:

Well, the president said that's false. And [Cohen] said it was false under oath. He said it was false in his tape recorded conversation with Chris Cuomo. He said it was false on five other tape recorded conversations. He said on those tape recorded conversations that he did it on his own to start and then he brought it to the president and then the president reimbursed him.

Clear as a bell under oath, must have said it 10 times.

OK, now he says the opposite. You're going to tell me which is the truth? I think I know what the truth is. But unless you're god, this man you will never know what the truth is. He lies to fit the situation he's in.

See, Michael Cohen is a liar, so ipso facto res ipsa loquitur anything he taped is obviously UNTRUE. (It makes sense if you eat a pile of paint chips and take a huge bong rip first.) So that recording of Trump planning the payment to AMI for Karen McDougal's story just proves that he only discussed it once, and then immediately forgot about it.

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Everywhere Else News

What's Jared Kushner Doing All Up In Trump's Porn Star Pecker Payoffs? Funny You Should Ask!

Quick, read all the updates on this story before we get more dumb criminal updates!

"The people have got to know whether or not their president is a murderer. Well, I'm not a murderer. I've earned everything I've got and never once committed armed robbery." -- Donald Trump, tomorrow. PROBABLY.

We've now reached the stage of the Trump administration where the president's defenders are cold calling reporters to tell them to quit making such a big deal, because HELLO, THERE'S NO DEAD BODY. (Yet.)

"Nobody got killed, nobody got robbed… This was not a big crime," Giuliani told The Daily Beast on Wednesday. He added, sardonically, "I think in two weeks they'll start with parking tickets that haven't been paid."

This is also the stage where there is a new OMG, breaking! every ninety minutes. So let's type fast to run down the latest on Trump's backroom fuckery with The National Enquirer before this tabloid stuff metastasizes any further.

Last month, the Wall Street Journal reported that Trump met personally with David Pecker, CEO of the Enquirer's parent company American Media, Inc. (AMI) in August 2015. Would Donny's old pal David like to become an unofficial member of Team Trump? HE WOULD.

What can you do to help my campaign? he asked, according to people familiar with the meeting.

Mr. Pecker, chief executive of American Media Inc., offered to use his National Enquirer tabloid to buy the silence of women if they tried to publicize alleged sexual encounters with Mr. Trump.

Well, there goes Trump's defense that he was just racing to buy up those stories to protect poor, delicate Melania -- ten full years after rawdogging a pornstar while she was home recovering from childbirth. Would that be the same meeting described in AMI's corporate immunity deal published five minutes after Cohen got flayed in open court by SDNY prosecutors?

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