'Because I Want It' Not A Winning Senate Race Message For Young Joe Kennedy

But Richie Neal, the House's worst Democrat after Dan Lipinski, wins too.

Sen. Ed Markey is justifiably proud of being the Senate sponsor of the Green New Deal, which he introduced last year along with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez in the House. And now Markey can say he's the first person to ever win a statewide election against a Kennedy in Massachusetts, although we're pretty sure he didn't really have that on his bucket list. Markey won yesterday's primary with about 55 percent of the vote to Kennedy's 45 percent, with a few townships not yet counted. Kennedy called Markey to concede last night, shortly before the AP called the race for Markey with about three quarters of the results in.

As Politico notes, it was a pretty weird race all around:

Kennedy, the scion of the state's best-known political family, was favored to win when he entered the race a year ago, and many suspected Markey might retire to avoid an embarrassing loss. But Kennedy became the underdog in the final weeks of the campaign. And unlike other primary battles, it's was Markey, the 74-year-old incumbent, who morphed into the favorite candidate of young liberals taking on the party establishment.

Kennedy immediately did the decent party unity thing, like a grownup:

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​Liberty U Hires Forensic Team To Shine 'CSI' Jizz Light On Jerry Falwell Jr.


OK fine, time for a quick update on Jerry Falwell Jr. and his amazing technicolor dreamcock, though we feel this story has really petered out (ha ha!) as far as our interest is concerned.

Now that he has resigned, Liberty University has announced that it's hired a forensic investigatin' firm to look at all big Jerry's underthings, by which we mean his entire career at Liberty. But hey, when NBC News reports that it's one of the world's foremost forensic investigation firms, and our mind goes directly to those "CSI" jizz lights, can you blame us? You cannot.

Saying that it is "committed to learning the consequences that have flowed from a lack of spiritual stewardship by our former president," the school has retained "one of the leading forensic firms in the world" to conduct an investigation "into all facets of Liberty University operations during Jerry Falwell, Jr.'s tenure as President, including but not limited to financial, real estate, and legal matters," the statement said.

WEAR GLOVES, Y'ALL. Wouldn't wanna, ahem, contaminate the samples.

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White House Doc Says Trump's Sexxx Body Bangin' As Ever (BLINK TWICE IF KNIFE TO HEAD, DUDE)

Fake news.

Oh golly, what a relief! After Donald Trump denied he had a bout of mini-strokes last year, after exactly zero people suggested he had a bout of mini strokes last year, we were worried that maybe Trump had just accidentally admitted he had a bout of mini-strokes last year.

But never fear! For the White House doctor says Trump is just fine, and White House docs in the Trump regime never lie.

"I can confirm that President Trump has not experienced nor been evaluated for a cerebrovascular accident (stroke), transient ischemic attack (mini stroke), or any acute cardiovascular emergencies, as have been incorrectly reported in the media," presidential physician Sean Conley said in a statement issued at Trump's direction.

"The President remains healthy and I have no concerns about his ability to maintain the rigorous schedule ahead of him," Conley said. "As stated in my last report, I expect him to remain fit to execute the duties of the Presidency."

LOL, OK, Sean. Donald Trump was the one who said "mini stroke," not the "media." Are you OK, Sean? Anybody holding a knife to your balls while you crafted that statement? We are just curious.

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Jesse Lee Peterson Found Out That People Have Oral Sex And He Is Not Okay

Don't worry, he's not married.

Last night, Politico reported that a former Liberty University student and bandmate of Jerry and Becki Falwell's son was alleging that Becki Falwell once climbed into bed with him, performed oral sex on him, and then proceeded to send him a bevy of creepy Facebook messages.

Also yesterday, by sheer coincidence (really!), fellow evangelical wingnut Jesse Lee Peterson held a discussion with three young men who all think sex is bad about how very surprised he was to discover that it's not just women who are "sluts" who give blow jobs, but normal women as well. Whoa, if true.

In a segment titled "Ladies, Your Mouth Was Not Made For THAT," Peterson went on a rant about the prevalence of oral sex that appeared to make even his little gang of male virgin friends uncomfortable. Though they quickly settled into patiently explaining to him that all women are evil slutty whores now as he stared back at them with childlike wonder.

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