Sex

Let Roger Stone Show You His Nixon Tattoo And Tell Ya ALL ABOUT DC Cokeboner Orgies

STONERBONERAMA!®

Skeevy old asshole Roger Stone has been quietly observing the fuss over Rep. Madison Cawthorn's very truthful not-a-fib (OK, probably a fib) stories about getting invited to Washington DC Political Cocaine Sex Orgies, and, as a libertine libertarian, felt the need to defend poor Rep. Cawthorn from all the mean comments people have made about how he had to have made up his tale of being invited to sex orgies. You see, Stone told the Washington Examiner as if anyone wanted to hear Roger Stone talk about sex orgies again, Washington DC is a regular sexpit of sexy sex orgies!

Despite House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy's pooh-pooing of Cawthorn's orgy story (McCarthy really shouldn't kink-shame like that), Stone pointed out that Cawthorn himself hasn't publicly disavowed his earlier claims, and by golly, says Stone, Cawthorn is undoubtedly speaking the truth!

“All we have is McCarthy's version of the conversation, and nothing Kevin McCarthy says can be believed. Why would we believe him? I mean, let Cawthorn speak for himself — not Kevin McCarthy or Steve Scalise,” Stone said in an interview, adding that he witnessed similar conduct to what Cawthorn alleged during his time in Washington.

Remember, this is Roger Stone, who's proud of everything he's done to promote his own image as a naughty eminence greasy of Republican politics. Roger Stone assailing the credibility of Kevin McCarthy is one of those whatchacallits, like in that movie about false memories of aiding Nicaraguan freedom fighters, ContraCeption.

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Congress

Madison Cawthorn Says He Fibbed About Getting Invited To All The Cool Republican Boner Orgies

Likely story.

If you've never spent any time in the (mostly white) evangelical church, you might not be familiar with what happens when somebody gets up to deliver their "testimony." In fact, if you just grew up in some kind of normal Christian church, you might not be aware that you have a "testimony"! Oh, but you do. Your "testimony," if you are an evangelical Christian, is your story of amazing grace, how sweet the sound, and how it saved a wretch like you. In other words, how you came to accept Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior.

And listen, all testimonies are valid, but not all evangelical Christians really want to hear all valid testimonies. Some of them are a real snooze.

Evangelicals get off on a hot testimony, though. They want to hear about all the car chases and drugs and action sequences and sucking and fucking the person used to do before they met Jesus. The more graphic, the better. Because how powerful is Jesus, y'all! That saved wretch like that guy over there, who did all the sucking and the fucking! Now he doesn't do that anymore! He's right here at Redemption Evangelical Bible Church, drinking fair trade coffee from the evangelical redemption fair trade coffee shop and he's telling us his testimony about how Jesus saved him from all the anals!

Our God is an awesome God, indeed.

Likewise, evangelicals like to hear the stories of the temptations the faithful successfully resist. And again, the hotter the better. "I was tempted to watch a movie with boobies in it but I didn't" just doesn't have the pizzazz of "I am consistently invited to coke orgies but I don't go." The important element of the story here is imagined coke orgies.

Which brings us to Madison Cawthorn.

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National Politics

Everybody Like 'OMG Madison Cawthorn, Stop Talking About The Very Real GOP Sex Orgies We Invite You To!'

True stories. OR NOT?

Yesterday there was news in the world of GOP Rep. Madison Cawthorn, the kind of news that is real and true and probably a good story for a Sunday school lesson about how Madison is a saint on earth who is an expert on turning his devil penis erections upside down.

Cawthorn was telling some wingnut podcast about the temptations young men like him face when they go to the literal Sodom and Gomorrah that is Washington DC. He was talking about all these politicians he's always looked up to, so we guess he means Republicans. And he said, "Then all of the sudden you get invited to, ‘Well hey, we’re going to have kind of a sexual get-together at one of our homes, you should come.’”

That's right! They say "well hey," like they were talking about important legislation just before that, and then transitioned into the obvious sex request. "We're going to have kind of a sexual get-together at one of our homes." Who among us doesn't remember the first time we were invited to "kind of a sexual get-together at one of our homes" by a colleague at work?

And that's when young Madison realized he was getting invited to orgies! Sex orgies! By his new Republican friends in Washington! Also some of them did cocaine right in front of him! At the sex orgies!

Well, wouldn't you know it, but House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy is pretty mad about Madison Cawthorn saying this. Yes, this is the thing McCarthy is mad about. He did also say Cawthorn was "wrong" for saying Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy is a "thug." So those are the two things McCarthy is mad about. Not all the other things.

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Congress

Madison Cawthorn Allegedly Overwhelmed By Washington Cocaine And Orgy Invites

Is he though?

In a recent interview with something called the "Warrior Poet Society" podcast, GOP Rep. Madison Cawthorn shared some of his thoughts and experiences on his first year in office. These experiences included, he claims, seeing people he'd previously admired doing key bumps of cocaine and inviting him to orgies.

When asked by host John Lovell if it it made him think "House Of Cards" was particularly fictitious or "more like a documentary," Cawthorn responded by quoting "someone who was president in the 1990s" as having said, “The only thing that isn't accurate about that show is that you could never get a piece of legislation about education passed that quickly."

That president, by the way, was Bill Clinton. Weird how he didn't mention that.

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