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2016 Presidential Election

Trump All Up In Stormy Daniels's ... Restraining Order. Yeah, Her Restraining Order.

For people who lie so often, how can they be so bad at it?

How can people who lie all the time be so, so bad at it? In the orgy of grift that is Trumpland, the entire cast of characters spews bullshit 24/7, and yet they remain lousy liars. It's like we're stranded for all eternity in America's living room listening to a toddler practicing Für Elise!

This morning, the Wall Street Journal uncovered a whole new pile of Trump lies about the Stormy Daniels payoff. Which is simultaneously HO HUM and WTF ARE YOU PEOPLE EVEN DOING? So let's count down the top five stupid lies, if only because Michael Cohen is unlikely to be the only person going to jail over this nonsense. And a very good morning to you, Barbara Underwood!

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Courts

Sounds Like Brett Kavanaugh Loves Green Eggs And Ham, By Which We Mean He MIGHT Be A Serial Rapist

Take these new revelations with a salt lick, AT LEAST FOR NOW.

Are we having a hearing tomorrow? Because at this point we cannot possibly see how a hearing happens tomorrow, considering how the floodgates are open wide, and if Trump hasn't removed Brett Kavanaugh's name from SCOTUS consideration by midnight, we're pretty sure Ashley Kavanaugh's going to go ahead and remove his name from their marriage certificate.

Why do we say this? Oh just ALL THESE NEW ALLEGATIONS. What's that thing Lindsey Graham (R-Misogyny) said today about how he doesn't think Brett Kavanaugh is a serial rapist, because boys don't just gang rape a bunch of girls in high school and then become the president and also a client of the Let's Not Rape! Club as adults? (He may have phrased it li'l different.) And that thing Graham said about how Kavanaugh's not some kind of Bill Cosby, with 60 accusers or something?

When Graham said that, Kavanaugh was five percent of a Cosby, with three accusers. Now, by our back of the napkin math he is a little over eight percent of a Cosby, because we have a fourth and a fifth accuser! How many percents of a Cosby will he be by the 11 o'clock news? We don't know, but we do think that you need to make sure you know where your daughters are, like they say on the news, because HOLY SHIT HE'S STILL OUT THERE.

Now, we need to point something out at the very outset here, and it is that these are anonymous allegations, and they are being fed into the news cycle by the GOP-led Senate Judiciary Committee. Indeed, it seems like they have a (very dumb) game in mind:

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White House

Did Married Trumper Jason Miller Poison Lover With Abortion Pill Smoothie?

Well that's horrifying!

Previously on Trumpers of Our Lives: Former Trump officials/part-time lovers AJ Delgado and Jason Miller have been in a fraught custody battle over the the child conceived during the affair the two had during the heady days of their time on the Trump transition team for at least a year now, and it's been quite the wild ride.

The latest drama to drop is a court filing from Delgado's team alleging that prior to their affair, Miller knocked up another woman, a dancer at an Orlando strip club where he often brought clients. As if that entire scenario on it's own were not enough, the document also alleges that, upon learning she was pregnant, Miller gave the dancer a smoothie with an abortion pill kicker.

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Culture

The Brett Kavanaugh Modeling Agency ... Errr, HR DEPARTMENT

ENOUGH OF THIS BULLSHIT!

Gather 'round, kids! Let's talk about how institutions like Yale Law School spin a protective cocoon around powerful men like Judge Kavanaugh, forming mutually beneficial relationships to reinforce everyone's power and prestige.

Meet Amy Chua, professor at Yale Law School and author of the bestseller Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, in which she repurposes her own childhood trauma and sells it to Americans as this ONE WEIRD TRICK to ensure that your kids play at Carnegie Hall and go to an Ivy League college.

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Culture Wars

Plucky Maine Library Decides Not To Censor Own 'Banned Books' Display

Meta-censorship crisis narrowly averted!

After a brief hubbub and a rather pitched fuck-tussle, the public library in Rumford, Maine (population 5,700 or so), voted not to give in to a request by three local pastors to please remove several books on LGBTQ subjects from its "Banned Books" display. The pastors had sent a letter to the library board fretting the display was "promoting homosexuality" and that the books were "not appropriate for a public area" of the library, where children might see them. Heavens, one of the books even had a cover depicting (in comics form) "two naked ladies on the cover." It is unknown from local media reports whether any livestock in the area became sterile or a baby was born with a caul as a result of the books being on display, although reliable sources indicate a black cat was seen standing on its hind legs, like unto a man.

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lawsplainer

Michael Avenatti Sees Your Raggedy Ass Coming, Michael Cohen

And he does not have time for your shit!

On second thought, Michael Cohen would like to fold, please. He's tapping out. Crying UNCLE. Invoking the slaughter rule. Sorry guys, he hears his Mom calling him home for dinner.

Except Your Boyfriend Michael Avenatti has Michael Cohen pinned down and wants to keep kicking him in the dick. Because two-bit bagmen should really, REALLY not pick fights with superstar litigators.

Last week, Michael Cohen and Donald Trump told a federal court in California that they were going to do Stormy Daniels a big favor and forget all about that Hush Money Agreement she signed 11 days before the 2016 presidential election. She's free to tell the world about that time she bumped uglies with Donald Trump and spanked him with his own cover photo. They'll even throw in a promise to withdraw from the Arbitration Agreement. Whatever.

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News

Maybe It's Bad For Everyone When Rapists Run The Country?

Les Moonves, he's a real fucking piece of shit.

You remember Designing Women. Your mom LOVED it! Or you LOVED it, if you are old, like most Wonkettes. Linda Bloodworth Thomason created a SMASH FUCKING HIT about MOUTHY FUCKING BROADS! And then Les Moonves came to CBS, took all the pictures of Mary and Rhoda off the walls, and never let a woman star again as anything but a corpse with playing cards in her cooch. Linda Bloodworth Thomason has Thoughts on that, and you will CLICK.

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Post-Racial America

Serena Williams Will Break Her Racket Off In Your Sexist Ass

Tennis's GOAT challenges sexist double standards.

Serena Williams is the baddest tennis player who ever tennised. She's also a black woman, so she's had to put up with a lot of crap. The French Open freaked out over the superhero-style black catsuit Williams wore not just for aesthetics but for health reasons. And Saturday at the US Open, Williams received multiple BS violations during the tournament final she lost to the also awesome Naomi Osaka.

The chair umpire, Carlos Ramos, gave Williams a coaching violation during the first set. It's arguable whether Williams even saw her longtime coach, Patrick Mouratoglou, motioning to her from the player's box. Williams told Ramos straight in the quotable line from the movie: "I don't cheat to win, I'd rather lose. I'm just letting you know." Williams took continued offense with the insult of her sportsmanship, and later demanded an apology from Ramos, calling him a "thief." Instead, Ramos gave Williams another game penalty for "verbal abuse," which put Osaka in the lead.

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News

Aretha Franklin's Funeral Upstaged By Male Idiocy

Men, please do better.

American icon Aretha Franklin's signature numbers are all powerful expressions of a woman's inherent value in a world that often fails to recognize her worth, so I suppose it's sadly fitting that Ms. Franklin's homegoing on Friday would prove a showcase for men showing their asses both during and after the service.

First up on the full moon display was Reverend Jasper Williams Jr. He delivered an appalling eulogy during which he boldly proclaimed that black lives don't matter. Kind of a twist given the circumstances.

Black lives will not matter. Black lives do not matter. Black lives should not matter, black lives must not matter until black people start respecting black lives and stop killing ourselves. Black lives can never matter."

Man, this is Aretha Franklin's funeral. There are black people here. You're not sending home Clarence Thomas. Williams's eulogy was so bad, he got heckled by Stevie Wonder.

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News

GOP Will Beat Beto O'Rourke By Showing Texas How Fuckable Beto Is

GOOD JOB, TEXAS GOP.

We are in disbelief that we have waited this long to do our journalism duty and write an entire post about how TRULY MADLY DEEPLY fuckable Texas Democratic Senate candidate Beto O'Rourke is. But we will rectify that right now! (Haha, we said "rectify.")

It's timely because the Texas GOP has decided a really good way to go after Beto O'Rourke would be to show pictures of Beto when he was young and sexxxy and beautiful, doing things that are either naughty or allegedly naughty. (Beto porn or it didn't happen, Texas GOP.) They are doing this because Beto won't do a debate this Friday night, because the campaigns are arguing about details, particularly related to how Ted Cruz's team thinks it gets to set the terms of all debates. Beto O'Rourke isn't scared of debating Ted Cruz -- in fact, one of the things he wants revised is the schedule of debates, all of which Cruz put on Friday nights, because what happens in Texas on Friday nights? Everybody's watching their own local version of "Friday Night Lights" and ain't fuckin' nobody watching a Senate debate. If Cruz wasn't shitting himself over Beto, he'd be more than happy to debate when people are actually watching, we imagine.

Here's a clever tweet from the Texas GOP, screengrabbed in case they delete it out of embarrassment:

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Trump

Ex-Doorman Now Free To Dish About Trump's Alleged 'Love Child.'

And about his contract with the National Enquirer!

Earlier this week, we learned all about how Michael Pecker, the Chairman and Chief Executive of the National Enquirer, conspired with Michael Cohen and the Trump campaign to purchase the rights to a number of stories about his adulterous tendencies that could have hypothetically damaged Trump's campaign. We were all so innocent then!

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News

We Need To Talk About Trump's Pecker Protector

PECKER PECKER PECKER PECKER PECKER PECKER PECKER!

OK here is a story about Trump's pecker protector, which was held by his friend David Pecker. Now that Trump's Pecker is cooperating with the authorities (his Pecker flipped) journalists are learning about the relationship between Trump and his Pecker, and turns out Trump's Pecker kept Trump's secrets in a pecker protector, and YOU DON'T HAVE THE KEY. Also, Trump's pecker protector was removed and/or destroyed, sometime after the election and before the inauguration.

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lawsplainer

Let's Talk CONSPIRACY: A Peckersplainer, About Trump's National Enquirer Buddy David Pecker!

Yeah, we said it!

It's time to start using the "C" word. It may be rude. It may be vulgar. People may give you the stink-eye or ask you to leave the Wendy's drive in. But this is a giant fucking conspiracy, and we need to call it what it is.

(And it's got nothing to do with Russia. Probably.)

Legally speaking, a conspiracy is an agreement between two or more people to intentionally commit an illegal act, plus some overt act toward furthering the agreement. Here, let the prosecutors from the Southern District of New York (SDNY) introduce you to the people involved in the conspiracy to violate campaign finance laws and saddle the country with a senile Oompa Loompa-in-Chief.

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News

Duncan Hunter, You Are GUILTY! GO THE FUCK TO JAIL (WITH MICHAEL COHEN AND PAUL MANAFORT)!

Slow news day, huh?

HO! LEE! SHIT! Just how bugfuck crazy is the Duncan and Margaret Hunter indictment? Well! We forgot all about Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen for two solid hours while reading it last night. In fact, we didn't even think about Donald Trump once! So strap in kids, it's time for a parable about unearned privilege and what happens when you pour copious amounts of alcohol on it. Wheee!

In 2009, Duncan Hunter Jr. (R-Urso Fucked) succeeded his father, Duncan Hunter Sr. (R-Proud Papa) in a safe Republican House seat in San Diego County. As a congressman, Hunter earned a salary of $174,000 per year -- not a lot when you're maintaining homes in DC and San Diego. Especially when you're really, REALLY bad with money.

Just how bad was he?

Throughout the relevant period, the HUNTERS spent substantially more than they earned. They overdrew their bank account more than 1,100 times in a seven-year period resulting in approximately $37,761 in "overdraft" and "insufficient funds" bank fees. Their credit cards were frequently charged to the credit limit, often with five-figure balances, resulting in approximately $24,600 in finance charges, interest, and other fees related to late, over the limit, and returned payment fees.

Oh.

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News

'10 Things I Want To Know About Bill Clinton's Penis': A Story By Brett Kavanaugh

How many licks does it take to get to the center of Bill Clinton's dick?

Did you hear the one about how, on top of everything else, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh is gross? No, we don't mean how he doesn't have a chin but does have three thousand foreheads. But that's a thing. And we don't mean how he just hates Roe v. Wade and Obergefell but loves Antonin Scalia's dissents, because to him, the Constitution is more dead than Antonin Scalia after a pillow accident. But that's a thing. And we aren't talking about how he has such a Daddy Issues view of presidential power that he doesn't even think presidents should be investigated. But this is related to that!

You see, he doesn't think presidents should be investigated anymore. He used to be totally DTF for a good presidential investigation, though, especially when he was working with Kenneth Starr on examining the rings on Bill Clinton's penis to see if he had sex with that lady, Monica Lewinsky.

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