Skeevy old asshole Roger Stone has been quietly observing the fuss over Rep. Madison Cawthorn's very truthful not-a-fib (OK, probably a fib) stories about getting invited to Washington DC Political Cocaine Sex Orgies, and, as a libertine libertarian, felt the need to defend poor Rep. Cawthorn from all the mean comments people have made about how he had to have made up his tale of being invited to sex orgies. You see, Stone told the Washington Examiner as if anyone wanted to hear Roger Stone talk about sex orgies again, Washington DC is a regular sexpit of sexy sex orgies!
Despite House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy's pooh-pooing of Cawthorn's orgy story (McCarthy really shouldn't kink-shame like that), Stone pointed out that Cawthorn himself hasn't publicly disavowed his earlier claims, and by golly, says Stone, Cawthorn is undoubtedly speaking the truth!
“All we have is McCarthy's version of the conversation, and nothing Kevin McCarthy says can be believed. Why would we believe him? I mean, let Cawthorn speak for himself — not Kevin McCarthy or Steve Scalise,” Stone said in an interview, adding that he witnessed similar conduct to what Cawthorn alleged during his time in Washington.
Remember, this is Roger Stone, who's proud of everything he's done to promote his own image as a naughty eminence greasy of Republican politics. Roger Stone assailing the credibility of Kevin McCarthy is one of those whatchacallits, like in that movie about false memories of aiding Nicaraguan freedom fighters, ContraCeption.
Stone, you may wish to forget but we keep reminding you, got shitcanned from Bob Dole's 1996 campaign over sex swinger ads that Stone allegedly posted in an alleged sex swinger magazine for sex swingers. It's all part of his carefully curated myth as a Rather Louche Fellow, like that time he was photographed participating in semi-nude lickings with a semi-nude lady in a 2010 New York Pride Parade. But it's OK because he also said the parade was "disgusting," thus preserving his Republican family values credibility.
Also too, Stone is careful to remind anyone who asks about his wild years that he found new life in Jesus Christ, so whatever his past sins, he is now pure as a factory-sealed bottle of personal lubricant. He's willing to talk about, but not to relive, his glory hole days.
So if anyone knows about Sexual Perversity in Washington, it's Roger Stone, or so it's profitable for him to have you believe. Stone explained to the Washington Genital Wart Examiner that Cawthorn's comments were right on the money shot:
“As someone who lived in Washington, D.C., for 41 years, who was once part of the Washington elite system, everything Madison Cawthorn says is absolutely true," Stone said. "And I can see why Washington elites would now be scrambling to try to deny it because maybe the voters back home won't like what they're hearing.”
“Does anyone really believe that that doesn't happen? In Washington, in Hollywood, in New York, among elites? I mean, it is — it defies logic. I know for a fact these things happened when I lived there prior to — and this is important — prior to the reaffirmation of my belief in Jesus Christ. I saw these things up close. I'm a different person than I was when I lived in Washington. But I know firsthand that what Cawthorn says is true — it's true,” he added.
For all his purported intimate knowledge of these rampant Washington Orgies (one of the finalists for the new f'ball team name), Stone politely refrained from fingering any of the participants. Perhaps he's still under a ball gag order.
Stone expressed his complete certainty that Cawthorn was telling the truth, because Stone had spoken with the lad. Stone added that if McCarthy allows any kind of discipline against Cawthorn, like a really sexy spanking that Jesus will forgive if you only ask, McCarthy's the one who'd need a safe word.
“We communicated only once. He told me he was not backing down from his claims, as I reported that on social media, so I take him at his word. I would, first of all, recognize he works for the people back in North Carolina. He does not work for Kevin McCarthy,” he said.
“Kevin McCarthy has no sway over him — take away committee assignments," Stone continued, "but if they did so over this, all they'd be doing is underscoring the fact that these parties and drug abuse do happen, and they are desperate to cover it up.”
Stone also vowed to go straight to North Carolina to campaign against Sen. Thom Tillis, who responded to the controversy by endorsing one of Cawthorn's opponents in this year's primary. Oooh, how that Thom Tillis will rue the day he tangled with the Nixon-tattooed self-proclaimed master of dirty tricks!
“Now I have to go to North Carolina and campaign for Thom Tillis’s primary opponent because Donald Trump and Madison Cawthorn are more popular with the grassroots in North Carolina than Thom Tillis will ever be, never mind the other RINO there, Richard Burr. The elites are circling the wagons — the people who are attacking him are the elites. ... I predict that Republicans will take the House, but Kevin McCarthy will not be speaker,” he said.
Neither Stone nor the Examiner? I Barely Know 'Er! made any mention of the real dirty surprise here, which is that Tillis was reelected in 2020 and won't be up for reelection until 2026. That Roger Stone is such a master of political intimidation — but he clearly knows most Trumpers won't be bothered by little details like that. Maybe they'll even send Trump some money right now to help defeat Tillis.
And now we will finally let you stop thinking of Roger Stone and sex orgies, you are welcome.
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If you've never spent any time in the (mostly white) evangelical church, you might not be familiar with what happens when somebody gets up to deliver their "testimony." In fact, if you just grew up in some kind of normal Christian church, you might not be aware that you have a "testimony"! Oh, but you do. Your "testimony," if you are an evangelical Christian, is your story of amazing grace, how sweet the sound, and how it saved a wretch like you. In other words, how you came to accept Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior.
And listen, all testimonies are valid, but not all evangelical Christians really want to hear all valid testimonies. Some of them are a real snooze.
Evangelicals get off on a hot testimony, though. They want to hear about all the car chases and drugs and action sequences and sucking and fucking the person used to do before they met Jesus. The more graphic, the better. Because how powerful is Jesus, y'all! That saved wretch like that guy over there, who did all the sucking and the fucking! Now he doesn't do that anymore! He's right here at Redemption Evangelical Bible Church, drinking fair trade coffee from the evangelical redemption fair trade coffee shop and he's telling us his testimony about how Jesus saved him from all the anals!
Our God is an awesome God, indeed.
Likewise, evangelicals like to hear the stories of the temptations the faithful successfully resist. And again, the hotter the better. "I was tempted to watch a movie with boobies in it but I didn't" just doesn't have the pizzazz of "I am consistently invited to coke orgies but I don't go." The important element of the story here is imagined coke orgies.
Which brings us to Madison Cawthorn.
The congressman, having successfully pissed off every Republican in Washington, both the ones who go to coke orgies and the ones who don't — allegedly and allegedly! — had to have a little talk with House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy yesterday, and it did not go well. For one thing, he reportedly told McCarthy that all his stories about the hot hard GOP boner orgies and the "key bumps" of cocaine were "exaggerated" and/or "untrue."
Totally Untrue Stories: Madison Cawthorn Allegedly Overwhelmed By Washington Cocaine And Orgy Invites
And now you see why we told you the story of the testimonies. Madison Cawthorn, when he told that story, was on some wingnut podcast, speaking to his people, and we are guessing he just wanted to look cool, but also righteous. Which is how he came to tell us that he was invited to play peener games at Republican sex soirees, but that he didn't go to them. Got that? He gets invited, oh yeah, sexxxxxy evangelical temptation story, NSFW, fap fap fap. But he doesn't go! Because redeemed and sanctified by the Blood!
Note that we are not saying that no elected Republicans have ever participated in a casual coke orgy. We're just saying we doubted from the beginning that somebody invited Madison Cawthorn.
Sounds like Kevin McCarthy hates Madison as much as we do though:
NEWS: McCarthy says he told Madison Cawthorn during a meeting today that the freshman has lost his trust and he needs to take steps to turn his life around, or else there could be consequences. \n\nAlso says Cawthorn admitted his orgy & cocaine allegations were exaggerated/untrue.— Melanie Zanona (@Melanie Zanona) 1648665251
He's lost Kevin McCarthy's trust! He's gonna have to turn his life around! Out here telling everybody about coke orgies! Kevin McCarthy is not surprised, he is just disappointed.
According to Alayna Treene from Axios, McCarthy laid out "everything" he finds "unbecoming," which makes us wonder if they also had a talk about how naughty it is to take Vladimir Putin's side against Ukraine and call President Volodymyr Zelenskyy a "thug." Perhaps they discussed speeding and driving without a valid driver's license.
McCarthy reportedly said they might have to take more action against Cawthorn. Quite frankly, McCarthy sounds incredibly pissed, and is just suggesting young Madison maybe is not old enough to be a big boy who is in Congress.
Also, what the hell does Madison Cawthorn even think he saw?
McCarthy, asked if he wants to know the names of the individuals that Cawthorn suggested took part in the orgies and cocaine consumption, said Cawthorn told him: \n\nHe "thinks he saw maybe a staffer in a parking garage maybe 100 yards away and that he doesn't know what is."— Olivia Beavers (@Olivia Beavers) 1648665573
A staffer in a parking garage. Did the staffer say a curse word, Bible boy? Is that what made Cawthorn just naturally assume the staffer was en route to a coke orgy? Did Cawthorn think this was a Chick tract come to life?
So this all came about after, as we said, just about every Republican in Washington lost their shit at Cawthorn like RECEIPTS OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN, BUDDY. “I mean, he’s got a lot of members very upset," explained McCarthy. The House Freedom Caucus was mad. The GOP senators from North Carolina were just lightly suggesting that Cawthorn was a liar who was maybe not fit for office. Other random Republican congressmen were mad.
Democratic Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was like wait why aren't y'all mad about Matt Gaetz?
Not sure why Republicans are acting so shocked by Cawthorn\u2019s alleged revelations about their party.\n\nOne of their members is being investigated for sex trafficking a minor and they\u2019ve been pretty OK w/ that.\n\nThey issued more consequences to members who voted to impeach Trump.https://twitter.com/mkraju/status/1508944585036374016\u00a0\u2026— Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (@Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez) 1648653234
Huh. Maybe for some of them this is a "The first rule of Republican potluck boner orgy is that you don't talk about Republican potluck boner orgy" sort of thing. Perhaps.
How could we possibly know?
If it ever comes out that large numbers of elected Republicans are having potluck boner orgies, we bet Kevin McCarthy will give them a real talking-to.
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Everybody Like 'OMG Madison Cawthorn, Stop Talking About The Very Real GOP Sex Orgies We Invite You To!'
True stories. OR NOT?
Yesterday there was news in the world of GOP Rep. Madison Cawthorn, the kind of news that is real and true and probably a good story for a Sunday school lesson about how Madison is a saint on earth who is an expert on turning his devil penis erections upside down.
Cawthorn was telling some wingnut podcast about the temptations young men like him face when they go to the literal Sodom and Gomorrah that is Washington DC. He was talking about all these politicians he's always looked up to, so we guess he means Republicans. And he said, "Then all of the sudden you get invited to, ‘Well hey, we’re going to have kind of a sexual get-together at one of our homes, you should come.’”
That's right! They say "well hey," like they were talking about important legislation just before that, and then transitioned into the obvious sex request. "We're going to have kind of a sexual get-together at one of our homes." Who among us doesn't remember the first time we were invited to "kind of a sexual get-together at one of our homes" by a colleague at work?
And that's when young Madison realized he was getting invited to orgies! Sex orgies! By his new Republican friends in Washington! Also some of them did cocaine right in front of him! At the sex orgies!
Well, wouldn't you know it, but House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy is pretty mad about Madison Cawthorn saying this. Yes, this is the thing McCarthy is mad about. He did also say Cawthorn was "wrong" for saying Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy is a "thug." So those are the two things McCarthy is mad about. Not all the other things.
But see, reporters are bothering other Republican congressmen and saying "hey man you fuck?" and "oh hey lot of boning at your house tonight?" and ugh, goddammit, MADISON.
Rep. Steve Womack (R-Ark.) stood up in a House Republican Conference meeting on Tuesday to address the comment, according to a source in the room. Other members also expressed that they were upset at Cawthorn’s allegations.
They are all so pissed!
Was it because Madison was tattletale-ing about all the very real orgies Republicans are throwing, which Madison doesn't even come to and definitely never contributes a dish for the potluck afterward? Or was it because Madison was clearly trying to look simultaneously like a hot and sexy guy, BUT ALSO like a perpetually pure and virginal Christian, by saying he IS TOTALLY invited to orgies, but DEFINITELY DOES NOT go to them? We have a theory, spoiler it is the second thing.
Apparently some of Cawthorn's GOP colleagues have that same theory:
Some wondered if he made the comments consciously in a bid to portray himself above such acts.
Olivia Beavers from Politico had to report on all this, for her job.
Hear Rep. Steve Womack stood up, said he hardly ever stands to talk, he has to say something about this bc now he is getting Qs about which members partaking in orgies after Cawthorn suggested they are happening in DC along w/ the use of cocaine.\n\nTold Cawthorn not there this am.— Olivia Beavers (@Olivia Beavers) 1648563111
That's right, several of them stood up and said NO ORGY! NO ORGY! WE'VE NEVER BEEN TO ORGY, WE PROMISE!
Politico has more on how upset poor Steve Womack was:
Womack remarked that many lawmakers go to bed at 9 p.m. and still use fax machines and flip phones, stating that it was inappropriate to paint them with a broad brush, as Cawthorn did.
It's a well known fact that no orgies happen before 9 p.m., and the invitations most certainly don't come over fax. "COME TO MY AFTERNOON FUCKFEST" is not a typical Republican fax in DC, you guys. No Republican in DC history has ever uttered the words, "Nice flip phone, buddy! Wanna flip peens later?"
So all of this is just a situation, obviously.
Will Sommer from the Daily Beast notes an interesting aspect of all of this:
Cawthorn talking about congressional orgies is a massive signal, deliberately or not, to QAnon believers and their ilk. Imagine being one of the GOP congressmen whose constituents now think that their worst ideas about you have been confirmed.— Will Sommer (@Will Sommer) 1648569542
This has been a story about STOP TALKING ABOUT THE BONEFUCKING REPUBLICAN COKE ORGIES THAT AREN'T EVEN REAL, MADISON, and we don't even know what else to say about it, except that oh hey actually, it's not like Republicans have never had a history of orgies, we refer you to the firm ("firm") of Black, Manafort, Stone and Kelly, just as a f'r instance.
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Is he though?
In a recent interview with something called the "Warrior Poet Society" podcast, GOP Rep. Madison Cawthorn shared some of his thoughts and experiences on his first year in office. These experiences included, he claims, seeing people he'd previously admired doing key bumps of cocaine and inviting him to orgies.
When asked by host John Lovell if it it made him think "House Of Cards" was particularly fictitious or "more like a documentary," Cawthorn responded by quoting "someone who was president in the 1990s" as having said, “The only thing that isn't accurate about that show is that you could never get a piece of legislation about education passed that quickly."
That president, by the way, was Bill Clinton. Weird how he didn't mention that.
“The sexual perversion that goes on in Washington ... being kind of a young guy in Washington where the average age is probably 60 or 70, I look at all these people, a lot of them that I’ve looked up to through my life, I've always paid attention to politics,” Cawthorn said. “Then all of the sudden you get invited to, ‘Well hey, we’re going to have kind of a sexual get-together at one of our homes, you should come.’”
For what it's worth, that seems like a terrible and awkward way to invite someone to an orgy. "Kind of a sexual get-together?" Really?
“I’m like, 'What did you just ask me to come to?'” Cawthorn added. “And then you realize they are asking you to come to an orgy."
He then noted that some of the people who are "leading on the movement to try to remove addiction in our country, you watch 'em do a key bump of cocaine in front of you."
Cawthorn also told Lovell that working in Washington was the worst job, saying, "I never want to go to that close to the Mason-Dixon line."
It seems worth noting that the man complaining about all of this "sexual perversion" in DC has been accused of sexual harassment and/or assault, according to an extensive BuzzFeed News investigation, by a number of women who attended Patrick Henry College with him. It is also worth noting that Patrick Henry College is in Virginia, which is below the Mason-Dixon line. It's almost as if this is not an issue of geography.
Cawthorn's naivete really came through later in the interview, however, when he noted that Republicans had wanted to repeal Obamacare without saying what they wanted to replace it with. Of course they didn't, because the whole point was that they wanted to go back to the way things were before. The only plan the right has ever offered for healthcare that wasn't "Why change anything?" was mandates. It was Obamacare. If you go back to Ted Kennedy and Richard Nixon, Kennedy wanted single-payer and Nixon wanted mandates (for employers, and for those not eligible for insurance through their employers to be able to buy into Medicaid). In the 1990s, when the Clintons were pushing for single payer, conservative groups like the Heritage Foundation offered mandates as an "alternative." Then Barack Obama came around and said "Okay, fine, you like mandates? We'll do mandates! Isn't that great? After all these years, you win, we'll do it your way! Let's celebrate this lovely compromise together!" Naturally, the entire right flipped out and claimed to have never heard of this crazy "mandate" thing.
It says something that Cawthorn thinks that there was gonna be any alternative. Obamacare was just going to go away and we'd go back to the previous system where kids lost their parents' insurance as soon as they left school instead of at 26, and insurance companies could refuse to cover pre-existing conditions.
The grand irony with Cawthorn is that he truly does not seem to fully comprehend what it is Republicans are about, at all, for any reason. He's surprised that they're doing cocaine while being publicly anti-drug, without understanding that they never meant for those rules to apply to them in the first place. They were never supposed to. It was always just a convenient way of throwing poor people, particularly poor people of color, in prisons. We can assume that the people he admires who have (allegedly) invited him to these orgies are outspoken against LGBTQ+ people, sex education in schools, and insurance that covers birth control. Meanwhile, they probably love a good purity ball. Because he probably wouldn't admire those who didn't.
Cawthorn calls them RINOs, but they're not RINOs. Quite frankly, you don't get more Republican than that.
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