CPAC's Hottest Sexxx Play This Year Not Shame Secret Grindr Hookups, Allegedly!

Just kidding, the sad closet case Grindr hookups at CPAC will probably still be hotter than this limp turd.

Fire up your bathing suit regions, CPAC, because for the first time ever, you are going to get a theatrical drama sexxx show!

That's right, one night only, get your tickets now, or get your tickets at the door, or drop some quarters in a guitar case to see if you can get the actors to do it again later at 10 the next morning in the parking lot, because Dean Cain and Kristy Swanson (Wingnut TV Superman and Original-Not-As-Good-As-The-TV-Version Buffy) will be bringing their surely Tony-worthy performance of Secret Boner Society In My Pants: The Musical! to the Broadway stage Off Broadway stage off the highway next to the rest stop stage CPAC stage on Friday, February 27!

OK maybe that is not the real title, but we wanted to say that one because ours is better. Actually it is called FBI Lovebirds: Undercover, and it is not a musical, but rather just a dramatic reading of the texts and congressional testimonies of former FBI officials Peter Strzok and Lisa Page, who are definitely absolutely Public Enemy No. 1 to the MAGA dipshit set, because of how they sent some texts while in the employ of the FBI that indicated they may not personally like Donald Trump very much. Also they were boning, extramaritally.

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Say Goodbye To Your Little Friends!

We are talking about birth control pills.

Fun news! (Not fun news.) The battle over birth control continues and Supreme Court is going to hear Hobby Lobby Redux this term.

On Friday, the Supreme Court granted cert in Pennsylvania v. Trump and Little Sisters of the Poor v. Pennsylvania, a pair of cases about whether employers can refuse to give their employees insurance with birth control coverage.

Yes, this again. Because the third time to the Supreme Court's the charm!

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This DOES Sound Like Matt Gaetz!

Did Matt Gaetz make up a sex game in the Florida lege where he and Squi and Tobin would get points for boning lobbyists, staff and married legislators? That would be on-brand!

When we were covering the confirmation of accused boofing sexual predator Brett Kavanaugh to a lifetime position on the Supreme Court, we realized one of the reasons we absolutely believed the women, part of why their stories were so absofuckinglutely believable, was because, as a person who also went to private schools, we know that guy.

Yes, this post is about GOP Rep. Matt Gaetz, but give us a second.

At the time, we wrote about our realization about which guy Brett Kavanaugh was, at his private high school and in college:

You see, we think we have figured out which drunk rich asshole white guy Brett Kavanaugh was in high school. He wasn't one of the guys who was "popular" in the sense of all the girls had crushes on him (and some of the guys too!) and wanted to go necking with him at Boner Cove even on school nights. That was Trevor and Rob and Johnny, and they were #dreamy and Johnny had a Camaro and your mom said Johnny was a total Eddie Haskell but even your mom acknowledged that Johnny was pretty cute.

Kavanaugh, we are guessing, was "popular" in that he was a partier and he spent a lot of time with his "bros," and they probably jacked off in a big circle in their parents' basements only sometimes. They had access to drugs and Natty Light, but secretly, deep down, they were incredibly jealous of Trevor and Rob and Johnny and Johnny's Camaro, because what makes those guys so great anyway? GRANTED, Trevor's ass is perfect and Rob's eyes can make any human melt and Johnny has that Camaro (and is hung like a wild horse), but NO FAIR, WHY THEY GET ALL THE GIRLS? Anyway, we are just saying Brett Kavanaugh's friend group was probably the type that knew where to buy GHB before anybody else at school even knew what that was.

We don't know if Matt Gaetz ever had a claim to even that sort of popularity in school, but it's possible. Like Kavanaugh, his head is misshapen, and his face gives off a certain whiff of desperation. Consider:

Another example of that guy? Donald Trump Jr., who allegedly used to drunkenly piss himself silly during college, to the point that he earned the nickname "Diaper Don."

Also the badly shaped head thing.

Anyway, the Matt Gaetz story we are about to tell you reminded us of Brett Kavanaugh, and also Donald Trump Jr., and not just because, like Kavanaugh and Junior, Gaetz has been known for being LI'L BIT DRINKY DRINKY in his time, in a particularly douchey and unfuckable way.

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Pornstached Missouri Republican Wants To Call The Cops On Abortions

Missouri has the third highest murder rate in the country.

"Hello? 911? I would like to report someone exercising their constitutional right to abortion? Yes, she's walking into the very last abortion clinic in the state right now. Yes, I suppose she could be going in for an STI screening or birth control or an ob-gyn appointment, but it could be an abortion, so I'd like you to check up on that and arrest her if need be!"

Abortion, for the time being, is still legal everywhere in the United States of America. But in states like Missouri, they're partying like Roe v. Wade has already been overturned. They're passing laws banning abortion after eight weeks, forcing patients to get medically unnecessary and invasive pelvic exams before having an abortion, and trying to shut down the state's last remaining abortion clinic by tracking the menstrual cycles of patients there.

And when the state legislature begins its 2020 session, they will have a fun new "fetal personhood" bill waiting for them.

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Y'all Other Judges Just Jealous You Don't Have A Pastor Boner Gee-tar Strummer Work Boyfriend Like This Lady Does


It's a typical story, a tale as old as time, a Hallmark movie that just hasn't been made yet.

Boy meets girl. Girl, likewise, meets boy.

Girl is a judge in the family court in Kentucky! Boy is a pastor, or at least he used to be one!

Girl and boy fall in love, or at least fall into the traditional boning position on a semi-regular basis, and it is such a Martha Stewart Good Thing that girl hires boy to work at courthouse, as "case specialist."

Boy plays gee-tar and sings songs, probably romance songs, probably Savage Garden or something, but maybe Jesus songs because former "pastor." Boy does this at courthouse, like, all the time, which leads girl's and boy's coworkers to be like "Ugh."

Sounds like they boned, at courthouse.

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I Don't Care What Anyone Says, Do Not Let Gwyneth Paltrow In Your Vagina

The Goop Lab premieres January 24 on Netflix.

Are you a someone with way too much money and a penchant for doing some extremely ill-advised things to your genitals? Well — I am about to make all of your dreams come true!

That may have come out wrong.

No matter! The actual important thing here is that Dr. Gwyneth Paltrow — a woman who has previously told other women to steam clean their vaginas and stick jade eggs up their vaginas and generally just built an entire lifestyle brand off of giving absolutely terrible vagina advice — has a new show on Netflix. In which she clearly plans to dispense even more terrible advice to people about their vaginas.

Here is the poster for that show, featuring a wee Gwyneth stomping around a giant vagina in bright yellow four-inch heels. The allusion is a tad obvious, but I'm into it.

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Michelle Williams Had An Abortion, Thank You For Coming To Her Golden Globes Ted Talk

And that pisses off all the right people.

Last night, during the Golden Globes, host Ricky Gervais implored those accepting awards to not get up and give political speeches, insinuating that, because they were actors, they were too stupid to have opinions about anything.

"So if you do win an award tonight, don't use it as a political platform to make a political speech. You're in no position to lecture the public about anything. You know nothing about the real world. Most of you spent less time in school than Greta Thunberg. So, if you win, come up, accept your little award, thank your agent and your God and fuck off. OK?"

(Funny how he doesn't feel that way when he, himself, is expounding on his thoughts on trans people having rights and being treated with respect. Wait no, what is the opposite of that?)

It should come as no surprise that many of those accepting their awards did not give a flying fuck about what Ricky Gervais found personally annoying or whether or not he thought they were smart enough to have opinions, and said what they were going to say anyway. And good for them.

Most poignantly, when actress Michelle Williams came up to accept her award for Best Actress in a Limited Series or TV Movie — for her performance as Gwen Verdon in FX's Fosse/Verdon — she gave a startlingly personal speech explaining that she would not be there right now accepting that award if she had not been able to have an abortion.

Michelle Williams: Best Actress, Lim. Series, TV Movie - Golden Globes

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Put On Your Pretend Shocked Face: Donald Trump (Allegedly) Creeped On A Fox News Lady

Fetch the smelling salts.

Back in the year of our lord 2009, a young lady named Carrie Prejean wanted to be Miss USA. During the pageant, the then-Miss California USA was asked by Perez Hilton whether or not same-sex marriage should be legal in all 50 states. She answered:

Well, I think it's great that Americans are able to choose one way or the other. We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage. And, you know what, in my country, in my family, I think that, I believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman, no offense to anybody out there. But that's how I was raised and I believe that it should be between a man and a woman.

As you may recall, of course, most Americans in 2009 were not, in fact, living "in a land where [they could] choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage." They didn't have that choice, on account of it being illegal in most states.

Prejean did not win Miss USA and, according to her and the conservative pundits at the time, this was because her "traditional beliefs" were held against her. Instead, she was the first-runner-up, a title she lost after partially nude photographs of her surfaced, along with the revelation of the existence of a sex tape. Ms. Prejean has maintained that she actually also lost that title on account of backlash against her traditional values.

One of the conservative pundits defending Prejean was Courtney Friel, a personal friend of the beauty queen as well as an occasional fill-in-host on Fox & Friends.

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2019 In Sex, Only Without The Depressing Stuff


Yr Wonkette, like Mike Huckabee, BRINGS THE SEX. Only unlike Huckabee, we bring the actual sex, or at least the sex that isn't all sad and depressing like all the harassment and the abortion restrictions, because it's the end of the year and we don't want to bum you out. So let's remember some of our favorite sexytimes stories of the year, shall we? We shall!

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Trump Administration To Make ACA Enrollees Pay $1 Billion In Order To Bill Abortion Separately

Great news for forced birthers with no idea how insurance works!

Starting in June, thanks to a new and incredibly stupid rule from the Trump administration, those who get their health care plans through the ACA will be getting two bills each month. One bill for their regular insurance, and another, separate bill just for "abortion coverage." This "abortion coverage" bill will amount to no less than $1 per enrollee and is mostly symbolic as insurance companies do not set aside a specific amount of money to be used on certain procedures.

Here is the rule itself, explained in an inordinately confusing way, from the Health and Human Services website:

CMS is finalizing that, beginning with an issuer's first billing cycle that starts on or after the date that is 6 months after publication of the final rule, QHP [Qualified Health Plan] issuers be required to: (1) send an entirely separate monthly bill to the policy holder for only the portion of premium attributable to coverage of certain abortion services, and (2) instruct the policy holder to pay the portion of their premium attributable to coverage of certain abortion services in a separate transaction from any payment the policy holder makes for the portion of their premium not attributable to such abortion coverage. QHP issuers sending paper bills will be permitted to send the separate paper bill in the same mailing as the separate bill for the rest of the enrollee's premium. QHP issuers sending bills electronically will be required to send the separate bill in a separate email or electronic communication. We are also finalizing that QHP issuers must instruct the policy holder to pay the separate bill in a separate transaction. However, if the policy holder fails to pay the separate bill in a separate transaction as instructed by the issuer, the issuer may not terminate the policy holder's coverage on this basis, provided the amount due is otherwise paid.

This whole thing -- they claim -- is meant to make the ACA compliant with the Hyde Amendment, a garbage law preventing federal funds from going towards abortion. Since some people get subsidies, no one can truly know whether the money covering their abortions comes from the money that they have personally paid towards their coverage or from the subsidies. This way, people who don't understand how insurance works can pretend that all of the money covering abortion comes directly from that $1 bill policy holders will get to pay -- separately -- every month.

In reality, it is meant to piss people off that they're having to pay for abortions if they don't need or believe in them -- and they have to do so inconveniently.

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Y'Ain't Ever Had Romance Until You've Met Barry, The Arby's Church DILF

It's like the Elf on a Shelf story, but different!

It's the Friday before Christmas, so why not how 'bout we get into the yuletide spirit with a tale as old as time, of romance and King's Hawaiian Roast Beef Sliders and the Arby's gift cards that bring allllllll the boys to the yard?

If you've been on "the internet" this week, you might be familiar with the general bones (LOL "bones") of this story.

There is a man, and he is named Barry Poyner, and he is a self-described "DILF." (If you don't know what that stands for, get offline and knit culottes for your cats, GRANDPA.)

Barry is also a church elder at the Kirksville Church of Christ in Kirksville, Missouri, which, as you might have guessed, is part of the Church of Christ. (Motto: Fags Are The Devil, And So Are Pianos!)

You know where this going. That's right, it's going through the drive-thru at the Arby's on the north side of Kirksville near the Home Depot, because hey, Barry the church DILF just met you (on Grindr), and this is crazy, but here is AN ARBY'S GIFT CARD, so please, male college student, order whatever you want, within reason!

In exchange for sex, obviously.

Barry has been charged with prostitution.

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Should Justin Amash Bring His Big Guns (Hot Arms) To The Senate's Impeachment Trial?


There is a good idea listed in the newspaper! And it is that some freshman House Democrats think that when the House sends the Senate its articles of impeachment against Donald J. Trump, one of the so-called "impeachment managers," i.e. the people from the House who go over to the Senate to present the case, should be formerly Republican Michigan Rep. Justin Amash, and also his hot arms.

The paper doesn't say "hot arms" are part of the Democrats' calculus, but it doesn't say they're not either.

As the Washington Post reports, it's about 30 House Democrats, some of them the moderate kind, some the liberal kind, who think this would be a great idea, and they're led by Rep. Dean Phillips. Amash may not be ideologically aligned with any of 'em, but when House Republicans yell about how this impeachment is just a partisan clownshow, they do seem to be forgetting about Amash, who until a few months ago was one of them.

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Supreme Court: If You Want An Abortion In Kentucky, You Have To Let A Doctor Sexually Assault You

That's pretty much all a transvaginal ultrasound is.

Yesterday, the Supreme Court of the United States of America ruled to let Kentucky's transvaginal ultrasound law stand. This means that anyone who wants an abortion in one of Kentucky's three remaining abortion clinics has to let a doctor shove a wand up their vaginas in order to show them an ultrasound of their fetus, in hopes that this will convince them not to have an abortion. This should be especially thrilling for recently traumatized rape victims.

Without any sort of dissent at all, the Court upheld the decision of the 6th US Circuit Court of Appeals, that the law did not violate the First Amendment rights of doctors, thereby allowing the law to go into effect:

Via CNN:

"As a First Amendment matter, there is nothing suspect with a State's requiring a doctor, before performing an abortion, to make truthful, non-misleading factual disclosures, relevant to informed consent, even if those disclosures relate to unborn life and have the effect of persuading the patient not to have an abortion," the appeals court held in its ruling.

Ok, but what about the rights of patients to say what sort of medical procedures they want performed on them? Shouldn't that be a consideration? I guess not!

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No, Gordon Sondland, You Cannot Have A F*cking Hug!

Gordon Sondland a pervert? Wow, it's always the ones you most suspect!

Gordon Sondland should have saved his money and stayed in Oregon. If that idiot had just kept it zipped up and not blown his million dollar wad all over Trump's inauguration (routed through shell companies, natch), then he wouldn't be at the center of this impeachment maelstrom. And we wouldn't be forced to talk about the time he hired a woman to be "my new hotel chick," then ambushed her without his pants inviting her to "have some fun" with Little Gordo. Allegedly.


Three women went on the record with ProPublica and Portland Monthly to describe EU Ambassador Sondland's sexual advances and subsequent career retaliation when those advances were rejected. Because for Gordon Sondland, there is always, always, always a quid pro quo.

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In Which The Men Going Their Own Way Go Their Own Way On Thanksgiving

Oh boy.

Hello from beautiful Warwick, Rhode Island (say nothing, anyone who has ever actually been to Warwick, Rhode Island)! I am here, in town, hanging with my family this year, and I consider myself super lucky to be doing so. Because sure, I love them a whole lot, but also because it means that in addition to Thanksgiving dinner I can also eat a shit ton of clam cakes and hot wieners and maybe a coffee cabinet and other things that probably sound completely insane to anyone not from here, but which I assure you are very delicious.

Of course, I am not a man going his own way — the misogynists who, according to themselves, are the luckiest fellas in all the land because instead of dating or marrying or even just hanging out with women like normal, they get to be free to complain about us on the internet all day, every day, including on Thanksgiving. Thrilling!


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