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SCOTUS

DOJ <3 Discrimination Against Trans People

And let's also discriminate against all women while we're at it, because why not?

Trump's DOJ is at it again! In a brief filed Friday, the Department of Justice argues to the Supreme Court in Harris Funeral Homes vs. EEOC that trans people deserve to be discriminated against. It also throws in some arguments that would allow all kinds of discrimination against all women, because why not?

Somehow, the DOJ's brief managed to be even worse than I expected.

Their logic seems to rest on two main contentions. First is that a transgender woman is actually a man who can legally be forced to present as male in the workplace. Second is that transgender people, as a class, can legally be discriminated against. They also argue that the court ruling for the woman in this case, who was fired simply for being a transgender woman, "would transform Title VII into a blanket prohibition on all sex-specific workplace practices" -- and that, apparently, is a bad thing.

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popular

Draw Us A Pete Buttigieg, Win All The Prizes!

Wonkette needs your help, and it's not even money? That's fucking weird.

For months now, people have been asking us for Mayor Pete merch in the ol' Wonkette Flea Market and Garage Sale of Love. But, and this is a problem for "creative" people who work with their "brains," we can't fucking think of any. Is that not sad? Do you not weep millennial mayoral gay tears for us?

So let's do a contest. Win the contest and receive a whole suite of your design on a T-shirt of the appropriate size for you AND a loved one, a coffee cup, maybe a sticker if it would look good on stickers, a tote bag, fuck it, AN APRON. WE HAVE APRONS. To give you some time to futz with your photoshoopery, we will announce a winner at lunch on Friday. So YOU make a picture (not from something already copyrighted please, unless you love sending us money for lawyers) and post it in the comments for love from your comrades, or send it to rebecca at wonkette dot com if you are shy of comments because people are MEAN.

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Feminininism

The Week In Garbage Men: Isn't Lipstick Just Like Wearing A Boner On Your Face?

Ladies and gentlemen, Stefan Molyneux

Lipstick! It is a thing that many of us put on our faces. When we go out, when we go to work, and sometimes when we are at home by ourselves spending way too much time trying to do YouTube makeup tutorials and then getting tired and not going out after all. But do we really think about lipstick? No, I am not talking about just when one is schlepping around Sephora trying to find a red that is comparable to NARS' Cruella because for some (cruel) reason they are out of it on the very day you went to go get a new one. I am talking about the fact that it is like a boner for your face.

On Friday, far-right Canadian podcaster Stefan Molyneux (rhymes with douchecanoe) took to Twitter to complain about how very unfair it is that women can wear "female lipstick" to business meetings, and yet he, a man, cannot walk around with a giant fake boner all the time. What gives?

Gosh, I never thought of it that way before. Let's bring codpieces back into vogue, shall we? Surely, it is the only way to address this terrible injustice.

It should come as no surprise that Stefan Molyneux is in no way original and that lipstick, and it's relation to sexual arousal, has been a very sore point for MRAs and MGTOWs for many years now.

"If a young female waitress wears a low-cut top to show off her prests, short skirt and red lipstick to imitate sexually aroused labia; is she sexually harassing me?


TL:DR: All of the older men at my job are retiring and being replaced with women, and the women come to work wearing lipstick (like sluts!) and I don't like it!

That post also produced this gem of a comment, which I have chosen not to edit for clarity:

Because female don't work on the job itself, they work on the social environment they are in. To do stuff they simply ask one guy how to do it and then repeat the same step. I work as a computer scientist at my university, all women are like this, alway asking to other guys how to do stuffs. Those times a girl had to work by herself the script was bad because she forgot that garbage collector existed...

And then there's this one, in which a Man Going His Own Way listed all of the things "females" do to attract men — so that we can seduce them and then divorce them and then collect all of those sweet sweet alimony checks.

Everything females do it to attract men. Here's a list:

Fine stockings: to cover up blotches, spots and veins.
Shave legs: so clumps of leg hair don't show through or poke through the stockings.
Lipstick: to simulate the flood of blood to the lips during sex.
Blusher: to simulate the flush of blood to the cheers during flirting.
Eyeshadow and liner: to simulate bruising to insinuate velnerablikty and need for protection.
Long shiny hair: sign of good health
Stiletto heels: simulates the tension of leg muscles displeyed as if in human history a female would grab a branch and stand on toes to get her genitals in position for taller male.
Corsets: to simulate the narrow waist a male sees when taking a female from behind.

This is collected from my 30 yrs in fashion. Anyone have some to add?

Yes, not only do we wear lipstick to make it look like we are sexing you up RIGHT NOW, but we also wear eyeshadow so that you think our eyelids are bruised. So we look "velnerabilkt" and the men protect us. Obviously!

Also if you kiss a man's face while you have lipstick on, it is because you want to prove he is a beta:

I am, however, very unclear on what this has to do with space travel. Then again, it seems like these idiots can make just about anything about going to outer space. It really is too bad that we can't send them all there.

This is now your open thread! Enjoy!

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lawsplainer

Imagine If Your Stalker* Was Larry Klayman

We read all 185 pages of the DC bar's memo recommending an almost three-year suspension. It was gross.

Superlawyer Larry Klayman is in a jam. There he was, just trying to do the right thing in helping out a woman who said she'd been sexually harassed at work. Could he help it if it he fell so deeply in love with her that he couldn't concentrate on her actual case because he was too busy declaring his love for months on end, and flipping out at public events if she talked to other people, and chasing her into a hotel women's room when she jumped out of his car and fled into the hotel for safety? They call the women's room the "Klayman Room" now, he joked, because of all the remorse he did not have for a solid year of harassing his client who was already having a nervous breakdown about her previous sexual harassment case. Oh, and then he told the DC Bar committee that was investigating him that the lady must have made it all up because she thinks everyone wants her. What a crazy nutjob that lady must be! What a hysterical narcissist! Oh, there were letters, months and months of them, where he wrote down all his love for her and all his complaints about her lack of same? And he admitted his deep, otherworldly love for her in a deposition before his closing statement of "bitches be lying"? Well, nobody ever said Superlawyer Larry Klayman is good at "lawyer."

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Class War

Jane Mayer Thinks We Don't Feel Bad Enough For Al Franken

He did choose to quit, you know.

Jane Mayer, in this week's New Yorker, presents us with "The Case for Al Franken." Jesus, not this again. We can't write about Kirsten Gillibrand taking a bullet to save a busload of orphaned refugee nuns without the comments sections derailing into complaints about how the New York senator "Et tu, Brute-d" the former Minnesota senator to an early political grave. We wanted to just ignore the piece, but we saw this sexist tripe.

That tweet aged w- ... oh wait, Tribe has already deleted it.

Al Franken is still rich, white, alive, and generally beloved. Don't try to sell him to us as Willy Loman. Also, men really need to stop using terms like "opportunistic" or "slippery" to describe women -- even if those women have dared to criticize their favorites. Gillibrand doesn't have to answer for shit. She's not responsible for Franken's choices. After an exhaustive investigation, we've determined who is responsible, and it's Al Franken. Last month, Mayer found the "disgraced senator" wandering around his Minneapolis home in "jeans and stocking feet."

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Culture

Chill Out With Wonkette's Book Club And Le Guin's 'The Left Hand Of Darkness'

It's the 50th anniversary of a science fiction classic.

This weekend, fifty years ago, human beings landed on the Moon and left a plaque saying they'd "come in peace for all mankind." Also this weekend, the eastern United States is experiencing a heat wave of the sort that's likely to become more common in the unfolding climate disaster humanity has brought upon itself. And during the past week, the "president" of the USA explained that some Americans just plain don't belong here, and deserve to be expelled. Seems like as good a time as any to discuss Ursula K. Le Guin's visionary 1969 novel The Left Hand of Darkness, a story about climate and civilization on an inhospitable planet, gender politics, and for that matter, patriotism and exile.

Plus, the book is set on a planet in the midst of an ice age, so perhaps talking about it will help you stay cool.

For this week's Book Club, we'll be focusing on the first eleven chapters of Left Hand, so as a courtesy to folks who haven't read ahead, please try to avoid spoilers about the second half of the novel, mmkay? You're also more than welcome to join in even if you haven't read the book, or haven't read it recently, because if there's ever been a real-life book club meeting where everyone finished the book, we haven't seen it! And remember, there's still plenty of time to catch up for next week's discussion! You can buy the nifty 50th anniversary edition with a nice kickback to Yr Wonkette, or grab a used or library copy, or even dust off that cool old copy you read decades ago, like this Wonkette reader did:

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Featured

Alan Dershowitz Ain't Got No Panties On

EXCEPT FOR WHEN HE IS AT JEFFREY EPSTEIN'S HOUSE!

Good news for all the OB-GYNs of America, because Alan Dershowitz has just given you the week of nine months from now off work! How did he do that? It was simple. He just went on Fox News and talked about how good he is at sex, and how exemplary his sexual activities are, and as a result, nobody in America will be in the mood to have sex until approximately two Wednesdays from now, because they keep seeing Alan Dershowitz making coitus in their minds!

But what would make Alan Dershowitz lay his penis right out there on the massage table at Fox News for all to see, in order to show everybody the tree rings on his stump that signify only the most excellent, thoughtful and morally upright orgasmic encounters? Well, he's mad at David Boies, the lawyer for one of Jeffrey Epstein's victims. And maybe there are other Epstein-related reasons, but if there are, Wonkette for sure does not know them!

Whatever it is, Dershowitz felt the need to go on Fox News last night and issue a Fuck Challenge to David Boies, kind of a you show me mine, I'll show you yours-type thing, or however that goes:

DERSH: I've issued a challenge to him! Look, I've had sex with one woman since the day I met Jeffrey Epstein. I challenge David Boies to say under oath that he's only had sex with one woman during that period of time. He couldn't do it! So, he has an enormous amount of CHUTZPAH to attack me and to challenge my PERFECT, PERFECT SEX LIFE DURING THE RELEVANT PERIOD OF TIME.

ALAN DERSHOWITZ WAS TOO BUSY PARTICIPATING IN RESPLENDENT HETEROSEXUAL BREEDING RITUALS DURING THE PERIOD IN QUESTION, YOUR HONOR! ALAN DERSHOWITZ HAS ONLY HAD SEX WITH ONE WOMAN SINCE HE MET JEFFREY EPSTEIN, AND PLEASE DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THE LAWYER WORDS HE JUST USED OR ASK ANY SASSY SASSAFRAS QUESTIONS LIKE "OH SURE, ONE FULL GROWN WOMAN, TELL US ABOUT THE OTHERS," AS THAT IS NOT FAIR TO ALAN DERSHOWITZ! IF YOU SUGGEST SUCH A THING ABOUT ALAN DERSHOWITZ, HE'LL GO ON FOX NEWS AGAIN TONIGHT AND TELL YOU UNSOLICITED INFORMATION ABOUT THE FIRST TIME HE TRIED ANAL AND IT WAS MARVELOUS.

ALLEGEDLY.

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Healthcare

Trump Fails To Gag Planned Parenthood

Guess some people and women's health organizations can't be bribed!

This past February, the Trump administration instituted a gag rule banning any organization that receives Title X funds from having anything to do with performing abortions or counseling patients about abortion. This means that if you are one of the four million low-income people who receive reproductive health care through Title X funds, you cannot discuss the option of abortion with your own doctor. That is pretty messed up!

Planned Parenthood agrees. Now that a judge has allowed the rule to go into effect while it is being challenged by Planned Parenthood, the American Medical Association, and several other groups, Planned Parenthood says it will stop taking federal funding. Time to get our our checkbooks, America!

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Featured

Ben Shapiro Pretty Sure Black Lady James Bond Not The James Bond Ben Shapiro Likes To Fap To

If you wanted to be creeped out by Ben Shapiro this morning, you are so lucky!

Y'all hear there's gonna reportedly be a new 007 in town, and HER name is Lashana Lynch? That's right, not only is the new 007 going to be a lady, it is going to be a black lady. (She won't necessarily be specifically playing a character named "James Bond," according to the news. But she will definitely be 007.)

Ben Shapiro has feelings about that. Like, yeah, of course he does.

When it comes to the seduction of women!

When it comes to the seduction of women!

When it comes to the seduction of women!

Oh fiddlesticks, that is not the full clip we wanted you to see. It's just a looped video of Shapiro saying one little part of his whole speech over and over again: "When it comes to the seduction of women!" If you don't feel like watching the full video below, you can rest assured that the loop above is sufficient, especially the way young Shapiro's voice cracks and his balls drop (allegedly) when he says the word "comes."

So anyway, SEXXX TIPS WITH BEN SHAPIRO! Because he knows of sex! Especially as it pertains to the beloved James Bond series! SPOILER, but it seems a lady 007 has rendered our Ben unable to think with his Little Ben, which is how he prefers to view the James Bond movie films.

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News

Meet Robert. Robert Wants To Be Governor Of Mississippi. OH NO, EVERYBODY THINKS YOU'RE F*CKING ROBERT NOW!

Robert Foster can't be alone with lady reporters, because he might uncontrollably fuck them. That is what 'Christianity' means.

Stop us if you have heard this old yarn before!

There is a politician with weird Christian beliefs, and no, we don't mean he's weird because he's a Christian, we mean he's weird because he's got these fucked up stupidass beliefs, deserving of mockery and scorn, that say that women are, at heart, nothing more than sexual objects. Therefore he and his wife have a rule that says he's not allowed to be alone with any woman ever, even in work situations, because he might be forced to fuck her, by virtue of the fact that he is MAN. No seriously, this is what he believes! He says it's about preserving the so-called sanctity of his "Handmaid's Tale" marriage, and that he's only doing this because "people" will talk if they see him walking around the office by himself with a woman, or discussing a project at the water cooler, because everybody will look at them and immediately assume they are engaged in rollicking nightly bouts of #ForbiddenCoitus, and it will never even cross their minds that maybe they are coworkers. But you can tell that there is something much more gross at play, because WHAT THE FUCK ADULT WITH A MODICUM OF SELF-CONTROL NEEDS TO HAVE A "RULE" LIKE THIS? Upon hearing about the so-called couple's so-called rule, what people actually assume is that he has probably cheated on her with a lady, or possibly a gentleman, but shhhhh let's not talk about that.

No, we are not talking about Mike Pence (though of course, we are talking about Mike Pence).

Giphy

We are talking about Robert Foster, who would like to be the GOP governor of Mississippi. He's a state representative from the metropolis of "Hernando," which is a suburb of Memphis, which means yr Memphis Wonkette right here is going to be keeping our eye out for Mr. Foster walking around with hot dudes half his age, just so we can nod to ourselves and say, "He's respecting his wife right now." Or maybe we will point and loudly say to bystanders, "Those guys right there are a good example of two people who are NOT fuckin'!"

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Media/Entertainment

Mollie Hemingway Wants You To Know Christine Blasey Ford Was A Big Slutty Drunkerson

Terrible human being is terrible.

Mollie Hemingway appeared on Laura Ingraham's show yesterday and they had a "Horrible Human Being" contest. As usual on Ingraham's program, everyone was a winner! Hemingway, senior editor for The Federalist, is shilling her new book about Brett Kavanaugh's contentious confirmation to the Supreme Court. It's called "Justice on Trial" (no link) because conservatives like to depict the Federalist Society poster child as an innocent victim of a frenzied liberal mob, the conservative version of Tom Robinson.

The "villain" in their realty is Christine Blasey Ford, who accused Kavanaugh of attempted sexual assault. Her testimony was moving and credible. It was also completely ignored. Susan Collins gave a speech and everything. Why are conservatives such sore winners?

Last night, Hemingway revealed new "inside info" that blows the whole Kavanaugh case wide open. It doesn't matter that there is no Kavanaugh case anymore; he is a Supreme Court Justice, and Ford is still in hiding from right-wing nut jobs who want to kill her. Yeah, no one suffered more from all of this than Kavanaugh, who was at most mildly inconvenienced for a few weeks before receiving his dream job, for life.

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Sex

Teen Vogue: Wanking Is Magic

WANKETTE.

We find ourselves in the uncomfortable position of not really being able to mock an article at righty outlet The American Conservative. At least not much. Oh, sure, you'd think it would be ripe for ridicule, since it involves what sounds like some moralizing about witchcraft, masturbation, and Teen Vogue. The tweet promoting the piece sure sounds like it's going to be heavy on finger wagging and culture war:

Thing is? The Teen Vogue feature in question really is some industrial-strength woo on a par with "The Secret" or any other "law of attraction" New Age hokum. More surprisingly, the American Conservative critique, by Libby Emmons, is generally valid-ish, even thoughtful at moments, and almost free of panic about the crazy liberals trying to turn patriotic American girls into self-abusing witches. (Fortunately, other culture wars outlets like Newsbusters and "Rapture Forums" picked up the slack and accused Teen Vogue of exactly that.)

The Teen Vogue piece is part of a series on "Practical Magic" by someone calling herself "Lisa Stardust." She's an astrologer, and apparently unrelated to David Bowie, so don't look for a Spiders From Mars reunion tour. The column promises readers they can achieve big life changes through sex magic, because it is the 21st century and you may as well tell young folks they can have it all by polishing the pearl:

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Legal

Duncan Hunter Boned Lobbyists, Staffers, For AMERICA

Newt Gingrich applauds.

Last week, prosecutors in the case against Congressman Duncan Hunter (R-California), who's accused of illegally spending buttloads of campaign cash on personal expenses, documented that Hunter used his campaign's credit card to pay for affairs with five (5) women he wasn't exactly married to. The details of spending on hotels, late-night Uber rides, and other stuff -- enough for a pretty good weekend in Vegas -- were necessary, prosecutors said, to show the spending had no legitimate campaign purpose. The government further hinted there was even more "Additional Potentially Sensitive Conduct" that might be filed under seal, so as to prevent tainting the jury pool. You never want to mess with the jurors' taints.

In a court filing Friday, lawyers for Hunter argued the government had no business mentioning the extramarital nug-a-nug; after all, he was making the beast with two backs with several lobbyists, a congressional staffer, and an aide in his office and therefore the fadoodling-related expenses were legitimate campaign expenditures, because Duncan Hunter cares so much about The People's business that even his trysts count as politicking. Yes, they really are arguing these weren't illegal personal expenses because Hunter was hard at work.

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Feminininism

Incels Are Mad Because Air Force Briefing Got Their Precious Memes Wrong

Yes, that is the really important thing here.

On Monday morning, 22-year-old Army veteran Brian Isaack Clyde showed up, armed to the teeth, at the Earle Cabell Federal Building and Courthouse in Dallas and opened fire. No one was seriously injured, except for Clyde, who died being taken down by law enforcement.

In a development that should shock absolutely no one at this point, Clyde had recently been posting "incel memes" on Facebook, notably one delineating the differences between a "virgin shooting" and a "Chad rampage."


Classy, no?

In light of attacks like this, personnel at Joint Base Andrews, an Air Force base in Maryland, were recently given a briefing on the threat posed by incels. The briefing was made public when a slide (the featured image on this post) was posted in an Air Force Facebook group, and a spokesperson confirmed its authenticity to Task and Purpose.

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