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Insert your SEX JOKES


William Jefferson Clinton, aka Bill, aka Big Dawg, aka The Clenis, aka the future first man-lady of America, was born on a day that was exactly 69 years ago from this day, Aug. 19, and according to a little-known codicil in the corporate charter of Yr Wonkette -- which we do not have, what are we, a frickin' Fortune 500 company? STFU and just go with it -- we are contractually, legally, and biblically obligated to makes some sexy sex jokes, about sex, for your sextainment.

Because 69 is not just a number, it is also a code word double entendre urban thesaurus slang street term for doing sex with your mouth hole to another person's sex part, while they are doing sex to your sex part, with their mouth hole, like you are forming a six and a nine, with your bodies, GET IT? GET IT!?! Jokes, bitches!

This is especially high-brow comedic material right here, the Bill Clinton turns SIXTY-NINE!!!! thing, because of how he is also quite infamous for this one time that he got fellatioed, on his penis, by a lady who was not his lawfully wedded partner in various crimegates. So you can see how making references to Bill Clinton and oral sexual relations, on his 69th birthday, is especially funny, LOL and LIRL and whatever the too-busy-to-write-it-out acronym for giggling so hard out loud in real life is.

Some of you like Bill Clinton because how he makes you swoon in your down-theres when he plays the saxophone, which is not a sex euphemism, it is a real thing that he does with his mouth, to a musical instrument. (That is also not a sex euphemism. OR IS IT?)

Some of you hate Bill Clinton because you are Maureen Dowd.

Some of you are like "I am somewhere in the middle of all that, sometimes I like him and sometimes not." And fuck you people for trying to be nuanced and complicated, don't you know you are only allowed to feel one feeling about a person?

Anyway, we would offer to do all the penis cunnilingus to the former president's man parts, since that is what you are supposed to do when he turns 69, apparently, but we already gave him a hummer -- with our words -- a few weeks ago, in gratitude for the apparent epic trolling he did for us, by fondling Donald Trump's YOOOGE classy balls in just the right way, oh yeah baby, riiiiiight there, to make him run for president.

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So instead, we'll just be in our bunk, watching this timeless classic of Bill Clinton speeching at the 2012 Democratic National Convention, when he made us forget all the reasons we sometimes do not like him, and instead made us remember why we are proud to be on the Blue Team, and also made us need to change our wet panties, if you know what we mean. (WE MEAN SEX STUFF.)

Happy birthday, Mr. President. Enjoy blowing out your candles.
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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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