Sexy Michael Cohen Stiffs Online Ratf*cker
Okay, before we get to the life and times of a crazy motherfucker by the name of Mike C. (straight outta Lawn Guyland), remember that we're talking about Donald Trump making a possible illegal campaign contribution for online ratfucking, all the way back in 2014. Because this story is hilarious, but don't lose sight of the fact that Cohen's inept poll rigging and hashtag manipulation look an awful lot like what the Russians wound up doing for Trump in 2016. NO COLLUSION, right Roods?
According to The Wall Street Journal, Michael Cohen paid an IT guy from Liberty University to rig two online polls in favor of then-candidate Trump. Cohen met John Gauger, Liberty's CIO, through Jerry Falwell Jr., who keeps popping up in Act II of I, Trumpius. Which is weird, no? Also, really the guy's name is GAUGER? Fire the writers! But we digress ...
For $50,000, Gauger's consulting company RedFinch was supposed to goose Trump's stats in a 2014 CNBC poll of America's top business leaders, and in a 2015 Drudge poll of Republican presidential candidates. Gauger appears to have done a pretty crappy job -- Trump never broke the top 100 business leaders and only picked up 5% of the Drudge sirens. Which may or may not be why Cohen stiffed him on the bill.
In his Trump Organization office, Mr. Cohen surprised the man, John Gauger, by giving him a blue Walmart bag containing between $12,000 and $13,000 in cash and, randomly, a boxing glove that Mr. Cohen said had been worn by a Brazilian mixed-martial arts fighter, Mr. Gauger said.
Cohen claims that he paid Gauger by check, and also, that he did it all for the glory of love. He does not, however, seem to be disputing the fact that he never coughed up the full $50,000.
But Donald Trump did cough up the cash eventually, reimbursing Cohen in 2017 for the whole $50,000 "paid largely out of Mr. Trump's personal account." Seems like the word "largely" is doing a lot of work here. Did he use Trump Org money to rig polls in preparation for a presidential run, or didn't he? Presumably SDNY knows, since they charged Michael Cohen with hiding the reimbursement for "tech services" rendered "during and in connection with the campaign" in those $35,000 "retainer payments" the Trump Org used to make him whole for the Stormy Daniels payoff.
But wait, there's more! You know that tingly feeling you get in your downtheres watching Michael Cohen's sexy SEZ WHO snarl? Maybe you should follow this Twitter account Gauger set up for him.
For all the "Women who love and support Michael Cohen. Strong, pit bull, sex symbol, no nonsense, business oriented, and ready to make a difference!" Follow now! Apropos of which, check out the single most uncomfortable tweet EVER on that platform.
OH, NO, BABY! WHAT IS YOU DOIN'?
Rudy Giuliani gave the Journal his signature ad hominem non-denial, "If one thing has been established, it's that Michael Cohen is completely untrustworthy." Which is FACTCHECK TRUE. And also refutes none of the story.
We look forward to seeing what's next for sexxxxy Michael Cohen. Perhaps a cinematic career awaits him after he emerges from Club Fed?
Mike C. Nastee, Hard and Disbarred.
Mickey Law, Pole Rigger.
Okay, we'll stop now.
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.