SH*TSHOW COMETH! Your Double-Header Democratic Debate Sex-travaganza Preview!
It's the night before the two-night Democratic primary debate extravaganza, and we're already tired. Turns out having 20 candidates spread across two nights when only six or eight of them matter is not the must-see TV we all thought it was going to be! But that's not to dissuade you from getting excited! We're excited! We're so excited! We're so ...
In case you need a reminder, here is how it's going to go down:
WHO IS IT?
On the day that is tomorrow, called Wednesday, Elizabeth Warren will be chairing what sadly looks, due to the luck of the draw, like the kids' table debate. Her deputy in charge of class for when she has to go to the teachers' lounge and shotgun a hundred beers will be Beto O'Rourke, because he is the only other candidate on stage tomorrow night who has had anything resembling "polling at four percent or higher for any discernible stretch of time." Also in that group will be Amy Klobuchar, Cory Booker, Tulsi Gabbard, Julián Castro, Jay Inslee, Tim Ryan, and we forget. Oh yeah, Bill de Blasio and John Delaney. Whee!
On the day that is almost Friday, but is not Friday yet, called Thursday, it will be all the other important people. Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, Kamala Harris, Pete Buttigieg, all together and yelling at each other or being nice to each other, we don't know. Also on Thursday are Michael Bennet, John Hickenlooper, Eric Swalwell and we forget. Oh yeah, it is Marianne Williamson and Andrew Yang, because apparently they had two free tickets to give away and those guys were the 9th caller into the radio station.
WHEN IS IT?
Both events begin at 9 PM Eastern Time and will be aired on MSNBC, NBC and Telemundo, and will be live-streaming on "internet." The moderators are Savannah Guthrie, Lester Holt, Chuck Todd, Rachel Maddow and José Diaz-Balart, but Maddow is only during the second hour on both nights, whereas Chuck Todd is during the first hour. So if you want intelligent questions, let's just say you have time to go out to dinner before you go home to watch the debates. If you like real dumb shit, though, that first hour is gonna be your JAM.
WHAT IS IT?
It is all those fools doing a "debate," where they are only allowed to answer for 60 seconds, with 30 seconds for follow-up questions. They better have their zingers ready!
NPR has a thingie with more substantive things to look for, like "Is Joe Biden gonna suck?" and "Is Bernie Sanders gonna be GRRR ARGH the whole time?"
WHAT IF I DON'T WANNA?
Not that we are suggesting you need to know this, but just in case, the schedule for HGTV on those two nights is as follows:
9:00 PM: "Property Brothers, Forever Home." This is the newest incarnation of the "Property Brothers" series, where the two gentlemen who are identical twins do nice things to people's houses and make them say "shut the front door!" when they see their new shiplap and quartz countertops. In the new series, they specifically focus on taking people's already existing houses and turning them into their "forever homes," as the title implies.
10:00 PM: "House Hunters." You know the drill, it is totally fake, sometimes the houses they are looking at are not even houses they considered buying, WHO CARES. Tomorrow night's episode will be about some people from DC who really want a fucking beach house in South Carolina.
10:30 PM: "House Hunters International." This show, as you are probably aware, is THE BUSINESS. Tomorrow night's episode is about a Navy dude and his family moving to Rota, Spain, which is on the southern Atlantic coast, near Gibraltar!
9:00 PM: "Christina On The Coast." OK honestly, have not watched this show yet, because the promos drive us up the fucking wall, but it is the new show from Christina Anstead, who was previously known as Christina El Moussa, who did the Flippity Floppity show with Tarek El Moussa, who was previously known as her husband. But then they got divorced and she married a guy named "Ant" and this is her new show and the promos are obnoxious.
9:30 PM: "Unspouse My House." THIS IS THE CUTEST SHOW. The host, Orlando Soria, is just adorable and flaming gay, which is only appropriate for a show that helps people move on from divorces and break-ups. It is especially cute when he is redoing a house for a completely oafish straight dude. Here is a selection from Soria's Instagram:
Good television, will watch!
10:00 PM: "House Hunters." Some shit in Palm Springs, we don't know. You might want to flip over to the debate at this point to see if Joe Biden and Bernie are fighting.
10:30 PM: "House Hunters International." It is Nashville people! Moving to Costa Rica!
As for other TV recommendations, Wonkette would note that the quarterfinals of the Women's World Cup start on Thursday, so if you TIVO-ed the afternoon sporting match, you could watch it on Thursday night.
WILL WONKETTE BE LIVEBLOGGING?
For sure you betcha, already got our bells on!
But will we be liveblogging the Democratic debates? Or will we be live-blogging HGTV?
That is the mystery, so we guess you better show up and find out.
All righty, have an OPEN THREAD, because it is time for that.
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